Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
Amber:
Two questions:
1. What color are you staining wood in the bathroom and...
2. If you don't know B's entire truth, what is your intuition telling you that truth might be? This is a rhetorical question, of course.
Lighter
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---the other thing that's crossed my mind (god forgive me) is that I still don't know the whole story
--- End quote ---
Forgive yourself, please, Amber. Given all the drama, darkness and heroic obstacles laced through B's exotic backstory, it would be irrational not to have any thread of doubt. Romance is what it is. And rationality is too. Don't feel guilty for having questions and needing evidence or looking before leaping too far. And for perhaps not entirely upending your life before you do feel that full confidence.
Love is the best. It's a healing purpose and a savior and sometimes a magician (or a trickster) and none of us manage it perfectly. But if love is also honest, true and transparent, it will not become enmeshment or obsession, and it will still be there after the examining and testing of passion is done. When love is mature, it winds up wise. And if it can't mature, but stays adolescent (we all start there...that's what lust and loneliness are about!), then WE get to wind up wise anyway.
(You can tell I never learned anything the easy way....)
I so hope it works out for you and B, but if it doesn't or can't, I know you'll be all right. Bloody but unbowed.
Hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
'morning...
Lighter, the pine is going to get a stain of red oak on top of it; that will darken it a notch and cut the yellow a little; but I've upgraded the lighting in there and the floor and shower are now lighter (haha) - as well we dropped the ceiling to the bottom of the exposed beams in the area over the shower and opposite on the vanity side. Those are already primed with Killz as is the drywall behind the where the vanity goes. Paint color is "Bit o' sugar" - a shade of white, that has the palest pinkish; warmish tones I could find in the swatches. This picks up some of the tones in the stone tile in the shower.
I'll figure out a way to get pics to y'all. Everything will make more sense if you can SEE it.
Hops, my dear, thank you.
I think what my worries all boil down to, is that once again - my belief & faith in how institutions work has been shattered again. This time it's healthcare and the military/gov at a deeper level, than I already knew it was messed up. Along with: there are likely perfectly legitimate reasons why he isn't going to share every blessed detail with me about himself.
Those would be intensely personal and emotional. Just like I have things that even NOW after all these years - are hard for me to say and talk about. And the fact is - knowing such things isn't required for me to trust him; I don't have any "right" either, to know those things -- unless they're offered. Anymore than Holly has any right to pry into my deeper feelings about anything I don't offer to talk about.
In fact, as I sit here writing this - it occurs to me that this "modern" "virtue" of oversharing everything contributes to all kinds of dysfunctional interpersonal expectations and interactions. The problem I see with this - is that emotions & feelings are constantly in flux - changing - so a truth told to one, on a Tuesday can absolutely be false by Saturday. EEEEEEK.... there would be no constants, no continuity, no predictability in relationships if people actually did practice that (or could with any duration). It would be like not having ANY higher brain function or control over behavior EVER - and IIRC - that's a serious PD.
Enmeshment, codependence, abuse... are all nurtured in that kind of environment. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll just stay out here on my mountain and be an anachronism and dinosaur.
My doubts about B showed up when I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. And concerned about things I was seeing about this virus situation. Oddly, Hol's concern too was even more upsetting than reassuring - as in, if she's noticing/worrying about it too... maybe I should be more scared & careful. I was just that tired.
One of the things I love about Buck, is that I can ask him a direct question and get a direct answer. No evasiveness; no judgement; no power-struggle game playing - not even making fun of me. His arrows strike true. So I asked him, if he wasn't talking to me - 'coz he was busy & more quiet that day than usual. I mentioned I felt that I just wasn't thinking "right"... and he told me that I should never think he wouldn't talk to me... and that I should try to sleep; he'd stand watch for me. (So, telling me to put away my hypervigilance and stand down and rest.) It worked; I dropped right off to sleep and slept 10 hours. I needed that protection to stop myself/my brain, and just rest...
He knows I don't need him, to do what I do and have done. He's told me he knows I am strong and believes in my abilities. He knows even strong women need a strong man to lean on and rely on in those times they just need to take care of themselves -- but aren't seeing it themselves coz they're too damn tired... he's needed me the same way, more than once and it doesn't diminish either one of us to admit that and to take care of each other, as needed. The rest of the time we're partners or playmates - like some self-perpetuating fun & creativity chemical reaction; and there is a great deal of intimacy in that.
I don't need to DO much FOR Buck. To take care of him. The man is self-sufficient, skilled, and highly intelligent. And way more civilized & nurturing than the stereotype of a grizzled,scarred old vet would lead one to believe. That's WAAAYYYYY out of my previous experience of men, in general. And go figure - he puts as much into "working on the relationship" as I do, too.
It just all seems way too good to be true. I'm not doing the starry-eyed, nothing can be difficult about this falling head over heels and not being practical thing. But it DOES come up periodically - and when it does - I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop instead of simply enjoying the feeling. Told him last night he makes me smile ear to ear - just coz of how happy he looked in a picture he sent me. He told me that brings him joy.
It doesn't get more direct than that and I'm SOOOOOO not used to this.
There is one youtube tarot reader I really like; she does "intuitive readings" - going deeper below the surface - and she does longer readings, even when they're just general - for one sun sign. This last one, the very last card was Blessings - count your blessings - gratitude. Maybe that will calm my nervousness and worry about how I can know if all this is really really really true, cross your heart & hope to die true. And whether this is what I really really feel for him, too - not just being lonely & needy.
Twoapenny:
Skep, I think Buck sounds like an absolute diamond. Yes, I agree with the not 'oversharing' thing. From what you've written on here, Buck seems to me to be a decent enough man that he would tell you anything he felt you needed to know. He just comes across as that sort of person - that he'd tell you if it might affect you. But other than that - I know I've got stuff from years ago that I wouldn't bring up with a prospective partner now. We all do things at times in our lives to survive - experiences we go through make us react in certain ways, and there are ways I coped when I was younger that I wouldn't use to cope now. People change, as you say, sometimes even in the space of a few days.
I can also only say that after fifteen years of dealing with the public sector here on behalf of my son I honestly feel that it's the most corrupt and malefic institution going. And it's very destabilising when you discover that systems you believe are in place for our benefit might not be. So I can understand very well how you must both be feeling with all this endless faffing about over his health. Terrible situation. I am keeping all things crossed for the two of you to spend time together eventually and just have a nice time, being together and enjoying each other. xx
lighter:
How are you doing, Amber?
Is your bathroom moving along?
Lighter
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