Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Farm Doin's - 2020

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Hopalong:
Well I'll defend lonely and needy any day of the week, honestly. I gave a lay sermon once called "Only the Lonely" about "needy" being a modern epithet. We DO need each other; we're supposed to. Lonely and needy are not shameful, they're human feelings in many human realities, and if you feel either from time to time that's just part of you being you. If those feelings got so huge they broke relationships, disabled you from functioning or meant you were no longer responsible, they'd be pathological. Sure doesn't sound like Amber to me.

Hell, you've been a recent widow on a mountain with a troubled, demanding adult child and her retinue and your only present friend was a married handyperson who's now a wounded logger. What would most humans feel in that situation? You deserve to feel whatever you feel and meet your natural need to be loved and cared for in whatever ways feel healthy and right to you. Ninety percent right.

It's the reciprocity that makes it beautiful. That you can express need or loneliness to him, and vice versa. Our culture sneers at vulnerability, which is the one thing that if shared two ways, forges something strong.

It's possible to heroize and romanticize someone from a distance. It's also possible to reach a near-breaking point about not having real time together to test and build on what is there. And exhausting.

In addition to everything else you have on your enormous plate on the mountain, you have a space beside you that you yearn to have filled. And you deserve companionship and love in the real. You also are stronger than you know and you can make decisions as you need to, about time tolerance, distance or any other part of it.

I'm so rooting for you. And B. In any combination that is healing and happy for you.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Having a pretty hard week, actually. The bathroom is almost done; it's functional at the moment but I still have painting to do. One wall is very dark (it's the exterior log wall; had water stains... so the dark camoflauged them really well. Opposite was all new pine siding, so I bought that tone down into a warm, oak. Floor tile is a warm gray; long plank-style which goes very well with the natural limestone in the shower.

I'm really going to need more storage in there and organization, but that'll come. I just haven't had a moment to think about it. For the time being, all I'm getting done doing is simply calming everyone down and trying to find ways to keep them occupied. We don't really feel all cooped up together here - not with several buildings to be doing things in - so not everyone is in one place together all the time.

Lots of good talks; supporting each other... some tensions and upsets, but that's to be expected. Sickness - of some sort (no one knows since people can't get tests) starting to hit people we're actually acquainted with or friends. Buck's oldest D in London has tested positive and she's hospitalized due having lupus. He is beside himself with worry; getting awake at 3 am to try to get her on the phone. My oldest, Amy, is sick - but can't get a test anywhere, despite being EMS for medical transport. Most of her patients are elderly/infirm so she was torn between going to work to get them to medical care... or staying home, taking care of herself and not infecting anyone with what she has. Mike's D Autumn, works ICU, ER & trauma... but has two school age kids at home. I need to check in with her and see how they're doing in all this.

People I haven't spoken with in years are popping up to chat, make jokes, and just generally commisserate over what we're all doing - and worrying about comes after this. My shop is still open; and we've had to print letters of "passage" for all the employees stating we're a critical infrastructure manufacturer. Without us working, repairs or expansions couldn't be made to energy companies that are keeping the lights & heat & tv/internet on for everyone.

So, lots of trying to support people having their reactions/emotions about this situation. Soon there will be plenty of work to do for everyone as we get into spring.

Today, I'm not going to do anything except try another variation on my ham/bean soup. Hol just got back from the store for some extras we've gone through. I see Steve found another dozen goose eggs - they're so big that's like having 2 dozen around. Then, I'm going into my sanctuary and hiding out till I doze off. Shouldn't have stayed up so late by myself... it's too easy to fall back into the grieving state right now.

There is a strong possibility that from henceforth, everything is going to change in this country and probably most places around the world too. The US simply can't afford to print that much money; it will devalue the currency to the point that a loaf of bread or can of soup will cost $10. After making myself face the real possibility that the shop (my source of income) would be shut down - and that the requirements of the shutdown would force employees to move on to other jobs... and put us out of business... (as other places shutdown that impacts our sales)...

I'm pulling out all my great depression knowledge that I gained from grandma and my step-dad... putting it to use, and teaching Hol.

Buck is doing what he can for me, from his distance - his infection isn't being treated at all, under the circumstances and that hospital has basically told him to go away. He has gotten his BP down - all by mind over matter and exercise - and right now, even with the lack of sleep - he looks good. Better probably than I do. LOL. But I know this is temporary and it's OK for me to have a day off... and just take care of me.

TOO many things I am not able to do anything about and I have to just let that go and do what I can do.

Twoapenny:
I'm sorry, Skep, it's really hard not knowing what's coming - it feels like you either have to do nothing to prepare or try to prepare for all eventualities.  Neither one is a good option, and I'm sorry you've got people you know coming down with symptoms.  You are right about having to let go of what you can't control but it's difficult to do.  I feel that we've done as much as we can (myself and son) and now we're just hunkering down waiting for it all to be over.  Which I hope will be sooner than later.  I hope you get a chance to rest and nap a bit and I'm glad Buck's looking good :) xx

Hopalong:
((((Amber)))))

I hope you'll pause to consider whether you really ARE or HAVE TO be the engine that drives everyone else's survival. You don't. You're just one engine. A mighty one but not the only one. Everyone has an opportunity to step up now, in their different ways.

I am so sorry to hear that your company may be under serious pressure. That's talking load on shoulders huge worry, I'm sure. I don't grasp the details but know you don't take it lightly. I hope there's a solution that keeps it open, even if limping along, in a way that saves jobs if that's possible. What a heavy heavy responsibility.

Given that, I hope you won't feel you're suddenly teaching everyone, personally responsible for passing along Depression-era wisdom anyone who wants to learn can find on the Internet, etc.

You are NOT alone and must take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry about B's daughter's risk, and your own D's risk, and more. Please keep us in the loop. It's all unfathomable, until it's not.

Huge hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Two days after I talked with her, my D is feeling better. Probably going back to work next week.

Still no word from Buck's D - he just called a little bit ago. It doesn't matter we only talk about normal married people stuff - what he's been doing today, what I'm making for dinner - it just helps to hear his voice. I did think to ask him about the Navy today. Turns out he's "qualified" for the training - so now it's only a matter of assembling the students (assuming they aren't sick) and getting it all scheduled.

This was a really good day for his BP. Staying way down in his normal range.

Buck's OTHER D, has a prom buddy (which is still postponed) that has recovered from Covid. She's still in isolation though; most of her symptoms have cleared. And she has her cellphone back now... LOL. Makes it easier for her to stay in contact with her all-important-at that age friends.

Hol's friend who thought she was ill, is now convinced it is her annual allergies making her miserable. I know I'm suffering through that with trees starting to bud out. An ER doc on another forum, says about 83% of the patients he sees with Covid symptoms are mild and they recover within a week, two weeks at the most. They aren't even testing people unless they meet 4 out of 5 criteria. Obviously, the numbers were seeing updated daily are only based on tests, so the virus is pretty widespread. A couple days ago, there were only 39 cases in my state; now there are 76.

We are limiting our exposure and staying at home as much as we can - but we DO still go out & about some. Week 2 so far.

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