Farm Doin's - 2020

[lighter]

Ya, thinking S has issues he's brought into his adult life.....from his past. 

You're right..... you wrote "it's important" and you didn't write "I need" in reference to S and Hol trusting you or your decisions, etc. I think  I was trying to validate that, but it went off the rails. 

S' stance sort of unhinges me, though I'm certain he's suffering and is aware something is OFF with the way he refuses to interact with others.  Hol wants to FIX it.  The more she tries, the harder he resists.  They're well matched to work on those issues.  I hope they can.   

It pinged very sad for me when you wrote S can't speak, bc he's afraid someone will get angry.  Paraphrasing.

Whether it's true or not, I picture a very angry parent, ruling him in his head, with S cowering and hiding behind his defenses, which come off as selfish and self contained.   

Something formed his aversion to conflict, long before you went off about the tools, IMO.

::counting down to B's arrival::..  Well..... hoping hard in your direction, anyway; )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, I've been trying to only lead by example. Hol & I can have loud, vehement disagreements - and be laughing with each other by the end of it. Anger by itself doesn't have to lead to permanent life conditions that are irreversible or unconquerable. I'm just trying to show him that intense emotional expression doesn't always lead to bad things. I don't create those situations - there's plenty of opportunity for him to watch while being "off stage" as it were.

But, I don't over invest in teaching what someone doesn't want to learn anymore. And since I'm not exactly believing his brand of "voicelessness" is trauma-based (since there have been no explanations at ALL to believe so; and as long as we've talked here on the board, I have seen the patterns, behaviors, that are more common in our collective traumas) - it rings highly unauthentic and even manipulative - to my ears. And sometimes when Hol is describing interactions with him, she sees that too.

So - yeah; I'm up the nosebleed section of the drama-opera house... making my critiques and judgements, while trying to remember that my perception and ideas can be totally wrong. Not my problem; not my monkeys. More delays with contractor, too. So they are between both places during a week right now. Hol is beyond being patient anymore; contractor has made mistakes we're only now finding out about; and I'm biding my time and keeping my boundaries high. I have found that iPad headphones are a great boundary marker... LOLOL.

Buck and I are due for another conversation about what's going on. Tomorrow he finds out if he's really taking D to college on the weekend. She just got hired for an on-campus job at one of the fast food kiosks, and is overjoyed. Most of what B & I need to do is talk about logistics and the medical stuff... and see what timing is going to be like. It looks like the kids might be between two houses for another month even. No one is happy about that.

[lighter]

Ye, Gods, Amber.

I can't imagine what another month will look like.

I guess like the last few months.

You have a lot of patience for this situation.

Tell B Hello.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Dear Amber,

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY was that post not in ALL-CAPS with a lot of BOLD and when you're feeling calm a little ITALIC with some Mutant Ninja Turtle Green in MOTION for freaking emphasis?

And we haven't even mentioned FONTS? Or Font SIZE?

Is there an I-can't-believe-I-have-to-wait-another-month font?

Really.
You are, after all, an artist.

An extremely durable and patient one.

huuuuuuugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOLOL.

Because no matter how embellished the inner voice is right now - it is literally out of my control. I can't make the correct lumber show up; weld up the railings to the right size (until the screened porch is built, neither can the welding company)... etc ad nauseum.

So, what's the point of yelling out loud about it? Doesn't help anything; doesn't make me feel better either. And it's for SURE that this too shall pass. So I have to do something OTHER than I want to do right now. I'm thinking about online "window shopping" for a new look in clothes that I can pull off, been playing with some new face creams from a company Hol has been using, Sephora (really, really like the Tatsua water cream; used for years by Geishas)... maybe buy some fingernail polish/remover that isn't so toxic and isn't gaudy as hell...saw a shade of lipstick I like that will go well with mutzki coloring... and might see if I can get an appt with at my salon for a shape up to the hair I'm growing out long again.

Yes, there ARE more "constructive, useful" mundane things I can do... but I'm in a strange mood today and so is Hol, and she's already changed her hair color this morning. I don't want to solve the world's problems, decode the mysteries of the universe or even my own overly-complex brain... and even though housecleaning would get my gears moving in the "doing" realm again...

I. DON'T. WANNA.

LOLOLOL. I wanna be 10 lbs lighter and my middle 10 inches trimmer (and stronger)... my skin to look smooth & plump and my hair to behave itself, instead of going all Albert Einstein on me.

I wanna wow B the next time he sees me; knock his socks off. Discombobulate his normal, big strong guy and everything's under control demeanor.... and make him stutter and drool. BOOTS, I need new BOOTS... just texted Hol the new plan for the day... she can be a great partner in crime on this kind of mission.

I think I'm ready to stop being invisible and shed my "widders weeds".

[lighter]

Wasn't there a bunk house under way....or..... on the list of things to do?

THAT would have been SO HELPFUL, IME.

To have a space that's NOT IN YOUR SPACE,  but IS on the farm.

For Hol, for S, for her friends, your friends, B's dds if they're there.

We used to use have access to the guest cottage on the island and it
was
so
nice
to
have
that separate building.... even though it's just steps away from the cottage.  It made all the difference with regard to headspace.  Not fancy, just..... away.  Any distance is a relief.

People could mozy into the kitchen, from the guest cottage, but I always knew they'd back.  We could meet on the beach, or plan an outing..... with their stuff IN THEIR SPACE and my chaos in my space.  And there was always chaos.  And sand.  And WORK with little children going on.  I didn't want to be judged all the time.....  and I was one of those moms who let her kids run around they way they wanted..... in sarong and nothing else?  OK.  Naked? OK.  And everyone dragging in sand all the time...... just, NO.

I'm not the energizer bunny, though I'm sure I looked like one, just trying to remain sane, keep everyone fed.... heck.... a bunk room WITH a kitchen.  YES.

I remember little apartments in barns that seemed rustic, but I was drawn to them every time, bc...... I like my own space.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

That idea got scratched off the list Lighter.
Partly I realized I didn't want that many people getting comfortable just hanging out here. Partly we NEED dedicated work spaces for different kinds of work.

The studio is the closest, facilities wise, to being separate temporary living space. I can sleep 10 in my house. Almost all of Hol's "guests" are experienced campers with their own gear. And she'll have a guest room and both her sofas are extra large & comfy.

The bunkhouse idea was when I was contemplating some living space for a semi-permanent group (without having a clear idea of what the purpose of that would be). I just got off on a tear with idea.

The internet is not playing nice with my idea of window shopping makeover ideas.  But instead I knocked a couple of to-do's off the post-it list for today.

[sKePTiKal]

Is it possible to have PMS symptoms, long after menopause?

The past couple days - absolutely NOTHING has gone right around here and both Hol & I are one spark away from melting down. Not with each other; just at "stuff".

Even went through the releasing all the crap I can't do anything about... and I'm still at that point where I'm a totally incensed bitch or going to break down in tears.

-Tech issues - last 3 weeks/month (couldn't even load any pages to window shop girly stuff yesterday)
-Contractor issues
-Buck is super busy managing things on his end; dealing with not breaking down in tears Sat; when he drops D off at college.... (I'm trying to help with that, but there is only so much to be done about feelings; they simply pass when they do)
-weather has turned gray & gloomy & wet; there have been some interesting mist effects to at least keep the scenery interesting but the trees are starting to turn and we HAVE to get things that are going to the hut, to the hut so I can finally function again & organize my spaces.

In. Out. In. Out. Patience; this too shall pass.

[Hopalong]

Tears
are
good.

Releasing
healing
designed for a reason

Detoxifying
letting go
expressing stress (instead of holding it in like I did for way too long thus setting myself up for stroke, arrythmia, etc)

No
more
fears
of
tears!

CRY. It doesn't mean failure, disaster, collapse, inadequacy, weakness.
It means: Ahhh, good. Got that out.

huuuuuuugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, no worries there Hops! I have a whole selection of Outlander clips that are guaranteed tear-jerkers. It doesn't matter HOW it's initiated, I find.

Also saw an Amazon Prime movie that wasn't quite what I anticipated from the description - revolved around a lesbian love affair - called Summerland, that was quite good overall. It was funny, sensitive, heartbreaking, but had a happy ending. I'm a sucker, I think for a genre of British movies/series that I don't know what to call it. Lots of descriptive visual "narrative" and telling of the story through dialogue/plot evolution. Anything that isn't just pandering to kneejerk emotional "buttons".

American film & tv simply don't have much on offer - and haven't since the 70s pretty much - of things like this. Life, love, human nature and gentle humor. One series Hol & I found on Netflix, I can recommend is positively HILARIOUS in the old sit-com style is the Kaminisky Method. Micheal Douglas plays an acting teacher in his 50s/60s... whose best friend is played by Alan Arkin (who is GENIUS in this series). Both of us laughed so hard we practically peed ourselves. Good fiction is my constantly faithful refuge and "go to"...

I think I'm starting to feel the falling apart of the conversational skills of people online. This is about the last place I frequent where we all talk TO each other, rather than AT each other - or just to hear ourselves talk. That's contributing to my crankiness. And then, I also think the full moon is too. Buck is busy and doesn't have as much time to spend with me, even in short snippets. But Hol's friend M just arrived... so that may be including me at some point today or this evening.

[Hopalong]

You got this, (((((Amber)))).

You're in Transition Time, and even when that leads to happy, it's a little destabilizing for anybody. It's normal to feel a little "off." And lonely. Change is happening in your life and you are catching a wave, trusting you'll float. I do.

B is busy, Hol is too, and you're feeling this poignant time of being Amber On Her Own. You are a person, not a project manager. All will be well.

Your independent spirit is an inspiration but you still deserve whatever self-comforting distracts and soothes during an unsettling time. (For me, oddly, it's great espionage series, like Berlin Station (in English) on EPIX and The Bureau on Sundance Now.) I've found it well worth the $6 or $7/month or the free trial periods on some of these streaming networks to catch some Really Good TV. I just stick a cancellation date on my calendar in case I don't want to continue.

As to perfecting your natural beauty to make B go speechless when he sees you? No staging necessary, girl. It'll be that one moment that just says, Hello again.

Take a break. Try just being safe and cozy and young at heart and soak up some stories. Outlander was that for me too. Just an amazing escape.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hol has offered to come up to the house at midnight and grab a glass of milk, eat a sleeve of Oreos, and leave the dishes in the sink. LOLOLOLOLOL. She is a good "neighbor". Comes up to hang out with me for a short time, a couple times a day. It's gonna start wearing on her, I think. But then, even when S is "hanging out" with her he isn't there. She's starting to notice things like that... and I have a feeling this weekend will see another studio "session" where she can "let it all hang out" & the eggshells be damned. I really am enjoying the peace & silence & lack of activity around me - unless I'm engaged in doing something. And I NEEDED this right now.

I let my head get in a space over B, where I started to feel as if he was eventually going to disappoint me massively; break my heart; leave me hanging... waiting.... waiting.... waiting... (and no, Hol's & Lighter's "red flag warnings" didn't generate that). It was him being busy and not staying in contact with me; me not being available when he was ready to chat and talking to forum friends instead... etc.

In a nutshell - I created an expectation from the barest of outlines of his "plan" that he would be here permanently within a month of dropping his D off at college. That's happening today. I let myself get into "patiently waiting mode" and trying to distract myself with whatever (and it's not working)... and progressively feeling more & more desolate, with only one antidote possible. I was bored, restless, ready to climb the walls, and starting to get ego-mad at the wild suspicions running through my head... feeling like an "also ran", not important, etc pity-party crap.

Amber makes dumb mistakes sometimes; especially when dealing with herself. But, since I don't beat myself up for 'em anymore... that frees up the space & creativity to solve the real issue. Which is that I was putting my life on hold, waiting for my brave & honorable knight on his white horse to show up and rescue me from myself & my mental suspicions... and make everything unicorns & rainbows again. (Twiggy - you silly goose - exactly HOW has that fairy tale crap worked out for you, all the OTHER TIMES? Sorry Charlie; that's not real life.)

I have always created my own obstacles and limitations and challenges ("you can't do what you're craving to do in the house until Hol is completely moved out"; just isn't rational or realistic, for instance). And putting myself in suspended animation - is NOT GOOD - waiting for B to work things out on his end. He and I have started to talk about this in little chunks at a time. I have things I WANT DONE and accomplished so I can store left over materials, put tools away, get organized... and ready for winter. Neither he or I completely control all the external things in his life, right now... so any "plan" is going to have unexpected hitches in it. Those are coming up re: the Hut, too. But she's got hot water now... and says she can see the moon rise above the ridge from the window over the bathtub. 

B is actually the one, that sparked the realization of what I was doing to myself when he said his D was accusing him of being clingy - the emotions of letting her go, the whole "empty nest" experience, has settled on him and he DOES feel things intensely, this I know. He just doesn't always express them easily. But he KNOWS what he's feeling; and doesn't seem inhibited sharing it with me - he just doesn't get into the gory details, the way Hol or I would.

I have made this very same mistake, over & over & over & over again. And if I don't see it in time, catch it like this, years will go by of getting into that habit (a la Mike's "neediness") and it turns into resentment and blame. I determined from the get-go, that A & B were going to do things differently. He would have things he would go off and do, on his own or with other people and so would I. It's just the character; flavor of mature people having relationships. Ooopsie. Some "romantic idealist" dropped the ball and reverted to little girl heart-dreams. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. There's nothing wrong with that per se; but it's not terribly functional in real life.

So this is a big milestone day for B & D; whatever I end up telling him about this headspace I've been in, and the agony I've put myself through needlessly - can WAIT. I truly am not so important in THAT PICTURE, that I can't wait my turn. They need this time together - and the further adjustments that I already KNOW come later - and he deserves time with his own feelings & experience of all this... without me being a busy-body or saying "but what about me???" I do believe, I'm more grown up than that - despite Twiggy's residual mutterings. I know what it's like to be in his shoes and have someone do all that to me, too.

And I just don't have a NEED or REQUIREMENT for my self, to choose to do that. I can sort this bilge out on my own, & be a lot more coherent and clear when we CAN talk and he's done his duty with his impeccable care and caring and his feelings have settled down some from that.

After all - I have "things to do" too... and time's a-wastin'. I don't need to always be all "up in my head" about this. It will happen as it happens... and he's still running HIS show and will be when he gets here. Time for Twiggy to learn "new rules" about how "things are supposed to be". FINITO.

Oh... and this morning... he posted in the forum and sent me a "vacation" idea - apparently it's possible to rent the smaller cabins on the Dutton Ranch - where Yellowstone is filmed. In Montana. It's called something else - Chief Joseph Ranch - in real life. He certainly knows the way to this girl's (Twiggy's) heart. LOLOL. They're already booked into next year... yes, they have horses!! No, I don't have boots... but my internet's functioning better and I've been window shopping. Looks like cowgirl stuff is the best selection of women's farm work clothes, going. (Duluth Trading is off my preferred list, since they stopped making my favorite shorts.)

[Hopalong]

BRAVO, Amber!
You fought through an internal backslide, saw it for exactly what it was, mapped your way out of the old grooves and you're climbing up a beautiful canyon on your own strong legs.

You're stopping the always-waiting, alwaysinthefuture state.

You're coming back into the present. You're refusing to become over dependent. Bravo!

Stop waiting, resume LIVING...in the present. B is the spice, the scent coming across...but no matter how often we watch Outlander it's really important to remember we ain't going through the stones. Time has its own rules and we don't get to rewrite them. Damn, tho.

Little question:

whatever I end up telling him about this headspace I've been in, and the agony I've put myself through needlessly

Maybe it'd be a gift to yourself to NOT tell him much about that. To process it on your own because you can (already have, really) and savor that recognition of your own maturity. Could be a gift to him too, maybe?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe Hops. Maybe I'll keep most of it to myself - and give him the gist - because it's something that even one or ten "success" moments in seeing it for what it is, will likely pop up again another time in another form, for another reason. So it's - like it or not - part of who I am, and what I'm dealing with, when dealing with myself. And better he knows I'm at war with myself in those moments, than him.

Fortunately, his own experiences lived, gives him some understanding of that.

I know in greater detail than I want, to my dismay, how things like that unsaid can later become "you always" things down the road in relationships. I'd kinda like to avoid that this time. 

[Hopalong]

Just "the gist" sounds wise to me.

Any news on B?

hugs
Hops