Farm Doin's - 2020

[lighter]

Well done, Amber.  You figured out how to post pics again, SO satisfying.  Thanks!

You gave pretty good descriptions as you worked and planned.  Things look familiar....can picture you and B snuggling  kitties in snowy weather. 

Things are coming together: )

 Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I think he poly'd the skull & horns Hops. He stripped & boiled the skull himself. 50% native american, ya know?   He and I actually connected through that kind knowledge initially - I learned so much of it as a child from my grandpa and our many family outings to remote, deep woods reservations. Culturally, we are just a natural fit - between the viking, pirate, old hippie, VN war and native backgrounds. His submarine life is all his, however. I tried going on the sub that was open to the public in Baltimore harbor... and didn't last 15 minutes. Claustrophobia.

Thanks for the house reviews! I have another guest room to set up; he's bringing his mom's bedroom furniture - ca. 1920s - so that'll become the updated "bunk room" - a double bed, and two twins. Us girls were talking about the easiest way to remodel the ship-like tiny bathrooms up there last weekend.

Technically, I guess my house is called "post & beam" - the exterior walls are 8" log, and while it's not a true "timber frame" (which I've drooled over for 40 years) this floor plan was one I was in love with through 2 out of my 3 "lives" (and ex's) in this current incarnation. The main living area is the middle floor (like a lot of beach architecture) - with 2 bedrooms up and a 3rd on the ground floor (which is my office now) - along with all the mechanical/utility space and a double garage. Both buildings - house & studio - have 360 decks - which for the sake of maintenance, I really want to shrink the sq footage.

Holly and I have enough ideas about what to do with houses... as it is... and now Buck has his ideas too. I really appreciate having a creative "partner in crime". Us girls can do a lot of stuff on our own... but throw in a guy with an engineering mindset and mechanical ability who lives to work... and well, I expect we'll be getting more stuff squared away around here. OH... I'm beginning to see his leadership qualities shine forth too. Definitely not drill sargent material... he's learned a lot about team building.

I know I'm mostly hitting the positives right now. There are a LOT of simple joys in life that, IMO, are an antidote to the things outside of our own control. I am thinking hard, and working through, this inspiration I've had about my concept of what relationships "require". Since it seems to be what B wants too - and he KNOWS what I mean when I talk about it - I'm pretty confident we'll figure it out organically. Hol and S are working through his (S) lack of openness too - and seem to be in a more cozy place with it right now. So in my corner of the world - things are pretty much as good as they can be. I can only really care about the things that are mine to take care of - the things I might be able to do something about. And I just am not going to let media or anyone else tell me that I must care about x, y, or z or I'm a bad person. Not true.

That kind of implied message - subtext - is the same thing used in the old "save this dog" or "you can feed this child (on another continent) for 50 cents a day" fundraising manipulation. It's emotional blackmail as far as I'm concerned. There are kids right here in my county that can use new shoes & a hot lunch. And the church ladies know all of them. The old saying "charity starts at home" is especially poignant for a lot of us here. Not just in our community - but our actual FOOs.

There is a term I'm hearing in the online Tarot community - Lightworker. It includes the reiki healers, etc. And it's kind of new ag-y and fuzzy & vague, but the name is apt. There are always the people who bring that kind of caring into their local sphere... and since we're all stuck at home anyway, seems like a great time to pursue knowing our neighbors and helping where we can. I think it might be good, when the gloom and futility of our current lockdown circumstances are getting to ya - to think on ways you could brighten someone else's day. Even anonymously. 

This is one of the characteristics that Amish/Mennonite culture can contribute to help heal some of the ills around us.

[Hopalong]

I love the way you boundary your self-esteem from external sources and draw purpose from the wells that make sense to you, Amber. Nobody's else's wells, your own.

I especially like this and thanks for the reminder:

There are a LOT of simple joys in life that, IMO, are an antidote to the things outside of our own control.

House, man, nature, work, art.

Doesn't get much better than that!
It's so nice to hear you happy.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It comes and goes, Hops. But I do feel genuinely happy more often.

[sKePTiKal]

Things are moving into "the holidays" mode around here again. And again, it's hard for me to juggle that (which I equate to fun, downtime) with all the work projects I have taking up residence in my head.

There was a chance that B might come up, and of course - my imagination built some lovely stories about that possibility. LOL. His D will be off for T'giving break before going back to school for finals. My brain knows that this is a huge life process for him; the end of an era - the closing of that chapter. It's important to him to meet his own standards about "how" that happens. For his own self-respect. So I'm not feeling much disappointment. In a way, it's a "sign" of how he'll treat me. Maybe. But I can respect his process and standards. How he's learning to let the D go and grow up.

Hol went up to the city for a couple days to help her friend - who was partnered with Hol's boss, who died last fall - empty the special effects van. It was good for her head to be somewhere else than here for a couple days - around the friends who have come here to visit. They both realized that this job was harder for Hol than Mel. Hol had spent a LOT of time working with boss in that van. But H was able to talk about that - almost cheerfully too - realizing the happiness amid all the work frustrations, personality issues, etc and get some closure - FINALLY - herself. Just the other day, she was talking about an experience and referred to the boss as if he was still here. (Mom didn't point it out; I figure she was aware of what words came out of her mouth.) Hol is going thru the process of reinventing her life without that job being the centerpiece of it. Another ending that is also a beginning.

The business numbers are stagnating. Our "cushion" of cash is running out with no positive signs available that sales will turn around in the near future. On that topic - avoidance and procrastination have been my friend. It's scary to think that my only source of income - now with dependents again - might go away. Scary thoughts tend to push me into extreme reactions and I SOMETIMES make bad decisions from that place. So, I'm taking my own sweet time, dealing with this in chunks.

Essentially, the business needs to be downsized relative to the drop in sales. Payroll has increased as a percentage of sales - because of the big drop in sales. We never worried about that when sales were good. Nothing lasts forever. And fortunately, all my "working poor" life lessons are still stuck in my head. And this trend started a few years ago - so it's not a surprise to me... and I had some idea of what we would/could do to downsize even back then. Is it mean of me to resent actually being faced with the situation? Maybe. So far, I'm just letting the feeling rest in the back of my mind and not letting it take hold. Too much to do and I don't want to be stuck in negativity. I'm trying to find a middle path through keeping the balance sheet solid and taking care of my people.

Maybe it's synchronicity; but my investment guy called yesterday. With him, since he was a friend, he gets the full picture... and I put him to work for me on a couple things too. That's why they make those fees, IMO. I just need information right now... and no, I'm not investing any more under the circumstances. I have other options for the cash. And I'm fully capable of managing that myself.

B and I are in a good place. We're cozy; all the angst of a new relationship seems to be passing; getting lighter; the doubts, uncertainty, questioning on trust/emotional issues. Still nothing we can't discuss... but we don't navel gaze or nitpick through things much. We seem to be agreed on relationship structure and don't spend too much time thinking about the future given all the variables that are up in the air about it right now. Keeps expectations more grounded and reality-based.

My head is overfull of too much to think about again. And so far, it's not out of control coz I'm just picking one or two things per day to accomplish - and finding some interesting distractions for a time-out from all that. But Hol is a pretty good cohort in crime for brainstorming, planning, logistics, and just generally living one day at a time... so we're having a meeting of the minds this morning before my shopping run.

[sKePTiKal]

Anyone else have the thought that sometimes we can become too attached to "looking at ourselves", "working on ourselves"... and it eventually becomes an escape? So that instead of DOING something different, or doing something ABOUT (changing) ourselves... we're just mesmerized and frozen in the self-care, self-analysis stage?

It's akin to just scrolling your feed on social media - in that it tricks the "monkey mind" into thinking it's "doing something" (and even assigning an importance to it)... when in reality, it's like playing solitaire - just passing time and hoping that something comes along that's different. No active participation; passively waiting for "life to happen".

Sure sometimes this does feed our sense of connection... but lately, I'm sensing it's more of a crutch for me. A diversion that I don't really need - but that I've convinced myself is important for my life.

:scratching my head: :stretching:

I dunno; maybe it's time I do less of this. Just Sunday morning rambling thoughts.

----------------------------------------------

I stumbled on an idea for a new kind of job, while having conversations re: Covid, the economy, my personal business side of things. I ran it past Hol, who is simply looking for a way to make money - that matters to other people. It is to become a combo babysitter/tutor while kids are at home in distance learning scenarios. I think she'd be good at that. And if it freed up parents to work... and keep their jobs... they could afford to pay her a decent weekly amount without breaking their budget. Kids would have some disciplinary oversight, and adult supervision/tech help/tutoring... and she would get to know a lot of the people around here and be of service. Not just taking & filling drive-thru orders. PLUS, she could take on as much or as little as she wanted... because we're talking the middle school cohort, where a lot of the kids are on staggered in-person schedules and they're almost at "latch key" maturity... but not quite.

Yes it means breaking isolation. But any job outside of at home would do that. Just sharing... because I know it fills a gap that exists in these new circumstances.

[Hopalong]

I like the Hol-job idea except for how scary it might be if she brought the virus home to you and/or B. Asymptomatic carriers and such in others' homes. You are in a tough dilemma right now with the business and I assume the mountain has carrying costs that aren't going away. Post-vaccine, though, things will get better.

With her film experience, I wish Hol could develop some online materials for education, if there's not a glut in the market. If she got certified as a teacher (much of which can happen online) it'd be awesome though not instant. When schools open again safely, maybe she could work as a substitute around the area? Ten years ago my D made $200/day doing that, which really surprised me. (No education degree required.)

Regarding the family company (and I'm thinking you'll have already thought of virtually every possibility, but wth)...is there any possibility that with a new administration supporting green jobs development and infrastructure, that the company could retool in some way (or part of it) to make greener thingamajigs? Of course that's probably very expensive too. Does it already do any government contracts? Women-or-minority-owned businesses are often eligible for contracts at the top of the list. (The last company I worked for became employee-owned, which was also an interesting process to go through.)

Rambling jumble and I really don't know enough about your business to fantasize, and you are grounded in the reality of it, whatever shape that is. I know it's hard.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Anyone else have the thought that sometimes we can become too attached to "looking at ourselves", "working on ourselves"... and it eventually becomes an escape? So that instead of DOING something different, or doing something ABOUT (changing) ourselves... we're just mesmerized and frozen in the self-care, self-analysis stage?

Skep, yes.  Absolutely.  For me it's been a bit like that thing when you decide you want to buy a certain kind of car - and then everywhere you go you see that make and model, even though you'd not really noticed them before.  Counseling helped me more than I can ever put into words, I think, as have many self help type things, and all of you guys on here, but I think it also made me notice very little thing a person does and made me hyper aware of my own dysfunction/triggers/aspects of my personality that I'm not keen on.  I had a thing in my head for a long time that I needed to become a perfectly functioning human but, of course, there's no such thing.  I'm finding accepting my own faults and just letting them be harder than accepting other people's, which is odd.  But yes, I think it is very possible to avoid action by over analysing and inadvertently paralysing ourselves in the process.

And yes to the child minding slightly older kids thing - I think a lot of families are struggling with those sorts of issues at the moment and paying someone else to sit with them for at least part of the day is probably cheaper than one parent having to give up work or cut their hours right down.  It sounds like a good plan xx

[Twoapenny]

Oh I meant to just quote the bit you said and I don't know how to change it now, hopefully it makes sense lol xx

[Hopalong]

I'm finding accepting my own faults and just letting them be harder than accepting other people's, which is odd.

Oh AMEN.
And again!

May be odd but it's the core of self-doubt, self-criticism, and when it's bad, even self-loathing.

So love for our real inner child, the kind friend voice in our heads first and foremost, alla that...needs to become the main show, not a guest appearance. Imo.

It's what I need, anyway. Even the smallest "wins" over the critical inner voice feel like sunlight breaking right through the ceiling.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

AHA!

That "inner critic" that motivates me to just get on with what I know I need to do... does come with a particular identifiable voice of my mom. Perhaps I need to swap that for my own "mom voice"; give the critic a voice-over makeover...

Might give that a try; see if it's possible; see if it changes effectiveness any.

Can't hurt.

[Hopalong]

Are you supposed to be "effective" on steroids???

You're already the most insanely hardworking and productive person I've known, in the real physical world anyway. (M is champion in the intellectual, books-and-articles world.)

Sheesh. Mebbe that voice can be just your KIND adult inner voice. Not bashing you about effectiveness and productivity exclusively...equally pleased with you when you laze and relax and create or ... well, cupcakes. (Available for productivity encouragement when needed, but not as her only lines in the play.)

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, at this point in my life the scales tip a lot more into the lazing, thinking, vegetating side of things than say 20 years ago. I get that's a natural thing - and I have fully enjoyed (and almost stagnated) - in that place. I've even guarded and defended that place, for awhile. Protective of the chance to, for once, do THAT to my heart's content. For me, I feel better - physically and emotionally - when I'm up and moving and not in my head so much. The things I want only come from some ONE putting in the efforts to "make it so".

Oh, it's lovely when someone offers to do it for me. But it also denies me that opportunity to keep active and push myself to do a little more... which is how I increase what I CAN do. I had to have that conversation with friend John when he was here. He was oh so helpful... but I am working on re-inventing how I get things done. Motivate myself. Do things my own old-ass self. It was wonderful to have some years just for contemplation; I really needed that time.

This is a different wavelength; different gear... and while I'll still take whatever time I need to look inward... I don't really NEED that much anymore. I'm restless to get my body moving and doing... that will put the final polish on the work I did sitting on the sofa, sleeping, throwing the clock, calendar and responsibility to others -- to the 4 winds.

[Hopalong]

What's nice is how well you both know and champion yourself, Amber. I really like your confidence in what works well and makes things better, and what doesn't.

I'm just going to work on being inspired. I personally have taken contemplation into what you referenced earlier, almost a paralysis of over-reflection.

I've learned to avoid action, the discomforts of moving after too much sedentary behavior (and the falls). I am just going to have to gut it out to get moving consistently again.

Small steps ARE okay, but I need to take some every day. And what you do with your life really is invigorating to read about. Thanks for sharing it. I know when I read about you relaxing I think it's important, as though I know you're overdoing...but I don't really have a reason to conclude that.

Long caregiving habits give me tendencies to look at others' massive productivity accounts with concern instead of celebration, which is dumb. You've been creating your own balance (and very successfully) for years.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops.

But I haven't done anything much different. Just stopped bullshitting myself - ie, pretending to be what I'm not and it's now much easier for me to navigate things in life - just being "me" without layers in between. I got out of my own way. Since it feels good to do this - maybe that's the reason it seems I have more confidence? It's not buried under the illusion of massive effort or work or elaborate theories (artist's statements, oh my) of how/why I do things.

Kinda going minimalist and simple with my interface with the world right now. (Will it last? Stay tuned next week! LOLOLOL)

Sigh. 5 years ago, I didn't know that on this date, in the morning, that Mike would be gone by 5 pm. I knew it was inevitable; we were all simply waiting. Thanksgiving was the 25th that year. I remember - but there aren't any big feelings around it anymore. I've done a LOT of processing in 5 yrs, about our relationship... the good, bad & ugly. There isn't any big "hole" that needs filled in my life; I just let it heal and became whole again.

So, when Hol needed a place to land and put herself back together again - I had me to give, again. This time, she was able to give back - actively. The work we've done together - by ourselves and collaboratively - has helped each other be stronger and clearer than either of us were before. Mz. Talk Everything To Death, Hol.... kinda taught me how to "use my words" to talk about feelings better. LOL. I've been teaching her that she's big enough to contain even her most intense emotions... and let them sort out before taking action to relieve the volcano.

THEN, a year or so later, the occasional phone calls w/Buck turned into an active problem-solving situation - the work my vehicles needed. I just asked him recently how he decided to come all that way, just to get me out of a mechanical meltdown. It's over 500 miles. He was in-between surgeries, dealing with infection... watching his business get torn apart by ne'er-do-well partner. He didn't need a flailing woman putting out an SOS for the cavalry (w/tools & experience).

He said he felt something from his distance; wasn't sure what it was. And that decided him to make the trip - to find out what it was. LOLOL. Yeah, he found out all right. It's been decades & decades since I was that "forward". It kinda came outta nowhere for me, too. We were, at the time, friends. Had a history of talking to each other about our lives, back & forth... and the things we were interested in.

Watching him work, cooking for him while he worked... it felt like we were having an emotional level conversation; back & forth exchange emotionally. He was down the hill at the studio garage... but there was still an exchange. I know I've been talking about fantasy a lot lately; I've spent the days since June 14, 2019 trying to figure out WHAT this was... because I wasn't imagining it; it was happening when I sat next to or opposite him, talking too. It still happens.

With cell service getting unreliable here... I've seen texts stack up before they come in from him. And there are up to hour delays now delivering messages. But we still have this weird communication connection. We know when each other is asleep... or preoccupied over something; he knows when Hol & I are in deep discussion; and we know when we're missing each other -- without the words going back & forth.

Because I had no trust that this wasn't just my imagination or fantasy, I didn't just jump at first. It was pretty obvious to everyone that I was keeping a good bit of me, "in reserve". Not letting him in and not sharing that; not at that point. But over time, that connection convinced me to tentatively trust that he wasn't playing me... and the next visit a year later, whatever that connection is was even stronger.

Strong enough not to be devastated or immoblized by yet more physical distance and "waiting"... while he finishes tying up the loose ends of his life there. I have things to do, too. I think this is the most amazing thing; this connection that doesn't diminish even when we can't be together for months or a year. The total independence that's possible for each of us; without even tarnishing the commitment & connection. It's a marvel to me because I've not ever experienced - or even read fictional descriptions - of such a possibliity. Maybe Outlander is that, a little.

I am romanticizing and idealizing a bit much over this I guess. Oddly, on this day of all days too. But I don't feel disloyal to Mike; it was what it was; what we were to each other and I don't have any regrets or guilt anymore about it. People die. And we remember them -- but we are still free to share love with others, IMO. If it sparks again. I was OK if it didn't; and I'm simply awed that it did and in such a distinctly all at once way. That first 12 hours with Buck - I was able to see who he is; I "knew" him... (even though Hol says/believes this is not possible) and it was like finally being "home" again. It's a special weird thing; and he felt it too.

I think we tend to recognize others of our "tribe" -- and that is way more and way different than just having genetics or this-life experiences in common. I know I've met many over the years. People I haven't seen in years... yet could sit down with them today and it would be as if we'd gotten together the day before. People in our "Korass" to borrow yet another Vonnegut term.