A place for the scary stuff

[lighter]

I didn't have the words for this last week.   I tried to talk to the T about it.  She didn't understand.
She still believes the police will save us with a phone call.  Very unlikely, btw.  My martial arts instructor made sure to dispel unrealistic expectations for law enforcement officers' ability to protect us.


My experience has been..... men with attachment issues are attracted to women exhibiting stoicism, inattention to them.... who are completely inaccessible and busy and uninterested in emotional interaction.... it must call to them like healing nectar for primal attachment wounds they spend their lives trying to work through in relationships.  And it's not just men... it's women too.   

A couple nights ago I glanced at the tv.  Playing in the background was Batman.  The Penguin's death scene popped up.  The one where Danny DeVito is wearing that horrific dirty long underwear costume.... he falls into the poison water and comes out with black gunk dripping out his nose and pie hole.....

THAT's how I was feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling about the contractor. 

That's how revolted and triggered I was.... it had my stress levels way up.

I THINK part of that stress was the response I get from people..... how clueless they are.  How ignorant they are about my right to protect and control my body, safety and what that looks like FOR ME, through my lens.   

But THAT was the moment where I knew knew knew I was the one with the information to keep myself safe.  I was the one with the right and obligation to protect myself.  No more conflict. No more frustration.  Only trust and acceptance.

Sitting here writing about this I realize.....
I don't see the Contractor as the Penguin.....
now.

He's just a broken, angry, violent little boy in a man's body....
fixated....
on me. 

That's still unpleasant, but it's not something I'm reacting to any longer.  I have calm around it.

Whew.... that feels so
much
better.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad you realised you have the information to keep yourself safe, Lighter.  I think part of the problem with being trained to be polite, understanding, empathetic and so on is that we often learn to ignore our instincts.  I'm trying very hard to listen to my instincts now, even though they often contradict what my brain is telling me.  My instinct has always been right, and that includes with people.  And yes, I do think opposites attract in a way, it's a weird thing how very incompetent people are often drawn to very competent ones (and vice versa).  I'm glad those feelings are abating now and hope they stay away xx

[lighter]

Of course, all the bookings for the cottage are canceling... one by one. 

The first official booking began tomorrow.

My niece decided to stay an extra week and has the AC repair guy servicing all units.  2 were leaking.  The one in the bunk room apparently still not fixed and filled the floor with water... everything under the bed.... hidden storage.... was soaked.  Repairman not sure what's going on.  He might not be able to save it.  He couldn't save the little beverage fridge after many attempts. Finally we cut off the cord and took it to the dump.  It was brand new.

Niece didn't like the dark spot on the kitchen ceiling..... said it stank like mildew, so they retreated with Boracare and I think will seal it with BIN product. I like the idea of a white ceiling in the kitchen.  I like the idea of a third coat of Boracare.   

Nono's youngest sibling... a brother, died yesterday of lung cancer,  which is what Nono had.  I'm relieved we won't be traveling to Canada for the service.  The traditional services aren't comforting to me.  I'm glad they're comforting to so many.

Lighter


 

 

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm glad you're trusting your instincts...  it's a good time to start. I bet they're spot on.  I notice my instincts have always been pretty good too.   

I don't see the contractor as being my opposite, except he's super needy and I have an aversion to people trampling into my space like that. 

It's sad he uses his competence to gain entry into people's homes, then tries to be part of their family... is how it looks.  For him, family is abusive and he's looking for people who tolerate him... maybe mesh with that style.  It's not me is all I have to say about it. 

His friends all talk about him like he's a fragile piece of glass.... remember his one co-worker drinking buddy who called him a "whiny tit?" 

He whines in the voice of a child....  which is sad, really.  I know he never had his needs met. 

Not my circus, not my clowns.

I can put that one down now.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, I'm so sorry about these feelings you're having.

May I ask for some clarity?

I tried to talk to the T about it.  She didn't understand.
She still believes the police will save us with a phone call.

I don't understand and am asking you (for as un-vague a description as you can do):

--Are you feeling specifically threatened by a contractor you've hired recently? Here, or the island?

--Apart from the psychological attraction stuff, what actual threats or threatening gestures have you received?

--Apart from speculating about the why, is there something concrete you need to do? A restraining order?

It sounds murky, vague and scary, but I don't understand what the facts are. What actual interactions have led to these dark tellings. I don't doubt you but the telling is confusing for me. I'm soooooo literal, forgive me for that.

I hope clarity will help and these dire scenarios you're hinting about won't materialize.

hugs
Hops

[CB123]

A couple of times while reading your posts, Lighter, I am confused about what is going on. Could you have lost a couple of posts? I know when you were posting about a boy living with you, I couldnt find the context, as in this one about the contractor.

But I am also unable to read for long periods of time so I may be missing something.

CB

[lighter]

The contractor is the same one from the island.  The restraining order expired.  He's not stable on his best day, so the virus scare won't help.  You know the story, Hops.

There was violent behavior, CB  He attacked his employee on one occasion.  He threatened me with a knife, which was what got him fired, escorted off the property then onto a plane. He texted for days......mostly threats to run me and my children out of our home... that kind of thing.  The texts stopped when he got back to the mainland and his more stable influences... a friend who employs him,  who he respects. 

I think the idea of his coming around is upsetting, but the more upsetting piece was the feeling I wasn't entitled to protect or fend off a disordered person I don't want contact with.  I'm crystal clear with that now.  I've processed it and I'm not worrying about it now. 

The boy goes to school with youngest dd... they're juniors.   His mother is immune-compromised and she didn't want to get the virus.  I already had a child going to school, so I agreed to take him for the duration...  I thought would be about a month.  I guess that might be a much longer period of time now.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Okay, making headway:

I think the idea of his coming around is upsetting,

Now I do recall the scary contractor (had forgotten he was working for you in the U.S. and also you had paid him to travel to the island and work for you there too...I think). What I'm utterly unclear on is why he is "coming around." But I think I'm beginning to put it together.

Do I understand this next with clarity?:

The boy goes to school with youngest dd.... His mother is immune-compromised and she didn't want to get the virus.  I already had a child going to school, so I agreed to take him....

Forgive me if I'm way off, but does this mean that despite threats-with-a-knife and his other scary behavior, you still have some form of an ongoing relationship with this man and his family? To the point that [he? his wife?] reached out to YOU to ask you to take in their son, which you agreed to do?

I'm not accusing. My brain is just Very Confused. I think it's Big Boundary Stuff.

I'm sorry you're still coping with this kind of vibe in your life, Light. I hope clarity comes in and helps you find out how to avoid allowing it. (Which I know you are not doing consciously.)

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

No, the boy has nothing to do with the contractor.

Contractor lives 30 minutes away.


Lighter


 

[Hopalong]

Okay, that helps.

So are there are two separate boundary things going on?

A scary contractor who keeps "coming around" yet had an expired restraining order to keep him away from you? (Is it possible to have a new one issued?) What does he do? Appear and knock on the door? Do you open the door and speak to him? Does he call? Email? What is happening? How exactly is he appearing in your life and what is your response when he does?

A temporarily-adopted boy whose mother you have a friend-relationship with, and out of kindness agreed to take in, but you regret doing so?

Got your back, Lighter. Just find things too murky to follow sometimes. Or perhaps I'm too thick to fill in the plot details. Very likely. Again, I'm pretty literal, so opaque references send me spinning.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

The contractor isn't bothering me, except in my own mind, when I was stressed and couldn't sleep... it was reptile brain fight or flight reactivity stuff.  Lack of control over things I can't possibly control. 

I can outrun contractor's chain smoking, hard drinking arse, worst case scenario. Maybe he'd see the humor in his huffing and puffing slow plodding IF he wasn't too angry an......I just can't control that. 

SO... I think through what I can... I have male neighbors who wouldn't be cool with me being chased into their yard or house by an out of breath madman AND the madman has plenty of control over himself when other men are watching him.  That's all I need to think about that.

::nod::.

Having the boy here impacts decisions I make daily.... like not volunteering at Manna.  The boy can't go home for at least 2 weeks after I have contact with the outside world IF his mother wants to see him or take him back home.  Then I feel guilty for considering exposing MY kiddos to the virus and there aren't any easy answers around that.  It's circular, but nothing to do with him or his being here.

No boundary transgressions. No regret.  Just a bit of tension over caring for him and my girls responsibly while doing what I can for the community.  I swear I'm going to come up with a face shield in and the garage that makes going out an easy decision.  I haven't started digging through art supplies for that purpose, but it's time. 
Lighter

[Hopalong]

I think I understand better, Lighter.
You continue to employ the contractor because on one level, he's not a threat with protective neighbors near, and you would for some reason like to still hire him. On another level, deeper...he triggers fear.

I got confused because in your free-association posts about him, as you are describing your feelings around him, you make him sound like a clear and present danger.

If he's no longer wielding knives at you and you feel for some reason it's now rational to continue to hire him, that's your choice and you don't need to defend it. The fact that I don't understand that isn't relevant, but I'll note it's a big change from the previous post where you were swirling in a dark fear even the T wasn't following.

On the other hand, if you're hiring him because you don't WANT to acknowledge fear (except to a therapist), then maybe that's a conflict within you...are you not allowed to completely discontinue a relationship that is toxic or scary? Or do you have to stick with it to prove something -- by continuing to expose yourself to crazy or to danger?

I don't think you do! Or I wouldn't wish that for you.

Maybe this is a window for you, maybe offering a chance to look in from the outside at yourself, and what you might be unnecessarily putting yourself through.

I say (not that I'm in charge) -- come on in, and lock him out!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops..  The contractor isn't in my life.   He hasn't been since I saw him at the courthouse regarding the TRO. 

Earlier this week I worked through general anxiety around things I can't control.   These things were projections into the future, and one of those things was an unstable response from the contractor who doesn't tolerate being alone and will likely struggle with fear around the coronavirus, like the rest of us.

Lighter
 

[Hopalong]

Got it. Finally. Sorry I'm so slow to catch on.
I plunged right into your writing and the tenses were present so it felt real and immediate...I just didn't follow that you were ruminating about a fear rather than describing a reality.

You write very evocatively! I was pulled into the idea of fear, and danger, and police, and implied violence ... and I didn't understand that it was free-association.

Something else just occurred to me. I think the experience of dread over the virus is stirring up some people's deeper fears in all directions. Including mine.

And it really is "the scary stuff."

With M, I unexpectedly brought up the subject of helping my D, which had, about a year ago, caused the most damaging struggle between us (I recounted all that here) that since, it's been sealed away. I very occasionally mention something about her very very briefly. He doesn't probe further and I never go further into it. (I"ll talk about that on my own thread at some point, as it's an endless can o' worms.) Endless worms.

Anyway, my point it just that I think the virus fear might be stirring into everyone's psyches, and bringing up our deepest fears. So I can imagine how the contractor would have been lurking in you, emotionally.

Whew. I hope he goes off to another swamp.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

These are scary times stirring up scary stuff... old stuff... future what if's.  You're right about that.

My T said it's a "collective" fear. 

I think many people are reaching out to FOO members they haven't been in contact with for a while.  I think you should do whatever feels right for you and not worry about what dd is thinking.  SOOOPHing... stay out of other people's heads in these moments is good to remember.  Keep our heads where are feet are... be grounded in the moment.

I find your suggestions to go out into nature very helpful.  I have the windows open... can hear the birds chirping... it often brings me back into the moment.  I saw a cardinal on the porch today...big and beautiful and it reminded me of you: )

I'm going to go pick weeds like a machine for a few hours... and think before discussing any of this with boy, dd17 and boy's mother. 

Stay safe,  Hops.

Lighter

Lighter