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A place for the scary stuff

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Hopalong:
I think I understand better, Lighter.
You continue to employ the contractor because on one level, he's not a threat with protective neighbors near, and you would for some reason like to still hire him. On another level, deeper...he triggers fear.

I got confused because in your free-association posts about him, as you are describing your feelings around him, you make him sound like a clear and present danger.

If he's no longer wielding knives at you and you feel for some reason it's now rational to continue to hire him, that's your choice and you don't need to defend it. The fact that I don't understand that isn't relevant, but I'll note it's a big change from the previous post where you were swirling in a dark fear even the T wasn't following.

On the other hand, if you're hiring him because you don't WANT to acknowledge fear (except to a therapist), then maybe that's a conflict within you...are you not allowed to completely discontinue a relationship that is toxic or scary? Or do you have to stick with it to prove something -- by continuing to expose yourself to crazy or to danger?

I don't think you do! Or I wouldn't wish that for you.

Maybe this is a window for you, maybe offering a chance to look in from the outside at yourself, and what you might be unnecessarily putting yourself through.

I say (not that I'm in charge) -- come on in, and lock him out!

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Hops..  The contractor isn't in my life.   He hasn't been since I saw him at the courthouse regarding the TRO. 

Earlier this week I worked through general anxiety around things I can't control.   These things were projections into the future, and one of those things was an unstable response from the contractor who doesn't tolerate being alone and will likely struggle with fear around the coronavirus, like the rest of us.

Lighter
 

Hopalong:
Got it. Finally. Sorry I'm so slow to catch on.
I plunged right into your writing and the tenses were present so it felt real and immediate...I just didn't follow that you were ruminating about a fear rather than describing a reality.

You write very evocatively! I was pulled into the idea of fear, and danger, and police, and implied violence ... and I didn't understand that it was free-association.

Something else just occurred to me. I think the experience of dread over the virus is stirring up some people's deeper fears in all directions. Including mine.

And it really is "the scary stuff."

With M, I unexpectedly brought up the subject of helping my D, which had, about a year ago, caused the most damaging struggle between us (I recounted all that here) that since, it's been sealed away. I very occasionally mention something about her very very briefly. He doesn't probe further and I never go further into it. (I"ll talk about that on my own thread at some point, as it's an endless can o' worms.) Endless worms.

Anyway, my point it just that I think the virus fear might be stirring into everyone's psyches, and bringing up our deepest fears. So I can imagine how the contractor would have been lurking in you, emotionally.

Whew. I hope he goes off to another swamp.

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

These are scary times stirring up scary stuff... old stuff... future what if's.  You're right about that.

My T said it's a "collective" fear. 

I think many people are reaching out to FOO members they haven't been in contact with for a while.  I think you should do whatever feels right for you and not worry about what dd is thinking.  SOOOPHing... stay out of other people's heads in these moments is good to remember.  Keep our heads where are feet are... be grounded in the moment.

I find your suggestions to go out into nature very helpful.  I have the windows open... can hear the birds chirping... it often brings me back into the moment.  I saw a cardinal on the porch today...big and beautiful and it reminded me of you: )

I'm going to go pick weeds like a machine for a few hours... and think before discussing any of this with boy, dd17 and boy's mother. 

Stay safe,  Hops.

Lighter

Lighter

lighter:
Florida is closed.  No boat ramps open.  We're not going to the island.

I think it's bc people are partying and being unsafe.

Lighter

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