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My Stepdaughter the Narcissist

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seastorm:
Hi Bean,

after reading your post what stood out for me was the part about your  step daughter nearly having her children removed and about her drinking problem. People who are deep into addiction act as you describe and create big chaos in their families. It looks like narcissism but it is more like arrested development. For instance, demanding that your husband choose between her and you  rings like the tantrum of a four year old. To protect yourself from getting sucked into the bottomless chaos of an alcoholic, the only place I know of to go to is AlAnon.  I dead give away to someone who is into addiction is that they blame, blame, blame.  For all I know, the daughter is a Narcissist but at least with addiction she has a chance at recovery. Both  require you to distance yourself and learn everything you can from the experts.

PS  Don't take it personally. Seriously,

Hopalong:
Hi again Bean,
This might not be straight on topic but thought this doc's videos on Narcissism might be of interest to you.

The particular video I watched this morning startled me, with how I related to the second category: Isolated Child. It's just one example, because he has posted many. He seems kind, rational and reliable to me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPAZTF2mja8

Hugs
Hops

bean2:
Hops,
I really wish you were my friend in 3-D real life.  Sometimes, I forget how much you have helped me.  Ever word you have ever spent time to write me, resonated.  I know this, because 10 years later, I remember you helped me.  This truly feels like reconnecting with an old friend. Please do not feel bad or like you fell short. because you didn't.  btw, congrats on your new beau :) 

sigh

lighter, I also remember you, you are kind of unforgetable

seastorm, I think you were like the original poster?  :)

Twoapenny, yup, remember you too, like a rock, quiet but calm

sKeptiKal, I do also remember your kind [quirky] words and consistency - that is a compliment, personally i love quirkiness
 
I am coming back to this board after almost 10 years years of being away. 


everything resonates, and I love this attention...but, I think seastorm is right

I am a co-dependent to someone who has a serious addiction.  This is the elephant in the room right?   I am referring to my Non-N stepdaughter, the flying moneky to the N stepdaughter I am talking about in this thread


I do have a therapist.  thank u for asking.  still trying to overcome the shock of it and I promise to reply to each and every tidbit.  right now, I think I'm just venting.  repeat if you have to, so I hear you

bean

I am so sad.

bean2:
Hops,
I watched the video, and understand the isolation an N mother creates.  To some extent, I experienced all of this growing up

competition
secrecy
constantly being told about my N mother's sexual abuse by her father (I didn't know how to process this)
nothing positive to say (we weren't allowed to tell outsiders about the dysfunction)
no reason or logic!!
my mother was a master of finding someone to blame, BUT, I did know who was telling the truth (I was the hero child, the only one to see the facade and rebel)
envy and creating a shiny facade
could only show happiness if it makes the mother happy
daughter has no where to go with happiness (so I learned to not show happiness)
violence, rejection, no provocation required (hitting with hand for no reason, throwing water or objects at a child to keep them off guard, gave me a black eye)
everyone was afraid of my mother
Have to keep my mother in "a good mood" she constantly screamed at us we were brats
no basic safety, no protection


Don't know if much has changed.  I lowered my expectations a lot, I know that.  Also, I cut my N mom offf for 7 years, and reconciled with her only about 7 years ago.  She hardly messes with me at all now.  Then again, my mom is 74 years old.

Do you think I'm being re-traumatized?   I do really feel bad for the kids of my N stepdaughter.  I gotta resist the urge to jump in and "save" them.  They are 3 mos old and 2 yrs old.  I do wonder if she beats them.  seriously

bean

Hopalong:
I don't know if you are being re-traumatized, Bean, but it sure sounds as though recent things are setting up a nasty whirlpool for you.

Where is your H in all this? Seems like all the advice/articles I read about this toxic kind of stuff say that it's the direct relative, particularly a husband or son, who needs to deal directly with their own toxic relative. Not the relative by marriage (wife/stepmother). They need to be defending or advocating for their own children or coparenting relationship with an ex or ex's child, not letting the "new" woman step in and take on that task as her own. Those boundaries protect you and them (all the advice folks say).

That's kind of abstract but might help you move back a step from focusing your own fix-it fantasies on your SD. It's "stay in your lane" advice but I've read it over and over again.

If you're not seeing the kids you don't have direct evidence of them being beaten, right? As you describe her I doubt they're having a happy time, but again, seems any intervention or improvement needs to start with your husband/her father rather than you?

Sounds to me (and the advice columnists I'm aping here) as though the healthy step would be counseling for yourself and possibly couples counseling so you can have support asking your H to face facts about his family situation. If he won't, then you have other options. If he will, your job would be just to support everyone in buildng the healthiest system possible and try not to stir the pot or add tension.

I'm really sorry you are seeing him hurt and imagining them hurt too. It's got to be very triggering and hard not to vibrate to. Quite hellish. YOU TOO deserve some support from an objective distance.

Counseling, I think. A safe place to vent and get the situation into cope-able shape in your mind.

Hang in,
Hops

PS I'd missed your other post where you mentioned having a therapist. I'm glad you do, and sorry you're feeling so sad. What matters most of all, imn-ho, is what YOU think. Sometimes venting stuff helps clarify it, often does for me. Other times, depending on what I'm doing upstairs in my head, I find myself circling the drain (which I did for years I think). Wish you much luck in finding your balance again.

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