Siblings are trying to get me to let my NMother see my kids.

[help]

My father died 8 years ago and took with him a secret my whole family was not aware of.  My mother is a N.  He was our buffer and things have gotten progressively worse.  I am the youngest of five.  I have vivid memories of my NMother abusing my other siblings in various ways.  In January of this year my sister visited my NMother's psychiatrist and he told her my mother's condition.  She only told me about it.  We kept it from the other 3 siblings until recently.  I have read everything I can about her illness.  My sister treats her like she has cancer.  She still lies to her to keep the peace and my sister tries to manipulate the rest of us into having a relationship with my NMother.  A year ago, my 8 year old was staying with my NMother during Christmas break.  She went over to my sister's house and went off on her and my brother-in-law.  The fight eventually turned physical.  My husband & I were on our way home from my oldest son's basketball tournament.  A little voice in my head told me to give my daughter a call.  I finally found her at my sister's house during the altercation.  No one took my daughter out of the room.  She witnessed the entire raging fit and fists being thrown.  I talked her into going into another bedroom and locking the door.  It took my husband 5 1/2 hours to get to her.  At that point we decided she could no longer have any of our children spend time alone with her.  This June, my daughter confided in me that my NMother had pulled her hair really hard during the fight and she was scared of her.  My husband & I knew nothing of my mother's physical abuse to our daughter. I have been desparately trying to distance myself from my mother.  She calls the other siblings with lies that has them calling me trying to get us to work things out.  None of my siblings are willing to accept her illness.  They try to guilt me into seeing her.  My sister has begged me to let my kids stay with her again.  I am not willing to risk the mental health just to keep my mother happy.  No one seems to understand.  Recently, my brother and sister told me at a family wedding they felt my mother had lung cancer due to my dad's lengthy habit.  This was only a manipulation to get me back in her life.  I am at my wits end.  I've confided in each one of them that I am not willing to lie to keep the peace anymore.  That is not who I want to be and I will not allow my children to be damaged by her.  My oldest is 18 and he calls her all the time from college.  She gives him sob stories that I have no reason to mad at her.  She told him that my sister has confirmed that she has done nothing wrong.  Now he and my 16 year old are trying to get me to see her.  I need suggestions on how to deal with the guilt.  She is in poor health from time to time.  She is a brital diabetic, but I just can't give in to the pressure of my siblings.  My husband is behind me 100%, but I still feel guilty.  Please HELP!!!

[Anonymous]

Don't feel guilty about distancing yourself from her. What is your other choice? Continue to be abused and allow your family to be as well?  I think you did a very smart and healthy thing.

And refuse outright to get into discussion with anyone about seeing your mother. If they want to stew in their own drama with her stirring the pot at the center of it all then so be it, but make it crystal clear that discussing her with you is not welcome. If you want, explain why one last time, and if you feel you have explained enough then don't. If someone won't listen then hang up, leave the room or house you are at, or ask them to leave if at your home everytime they disrespect your wishes not to talk about it after you told them nicely.

If your mom is trying to manipulate your son/s and they are of age where you can't stop them from calling her you can at least suggest that they don't call.If they don't want to hear any of that then they are not to bring the matter of "her" up with you whatsoever.

If you ever find out, substantiated by a medical professional, that your mother is life and death ill then you can decide what to do then.It still doesn't mean you have to be back in her life though.You might just want to see her one last time, a few times or you might not at all.

Its sad in one way because these people are sick but you can't let them drag you down and destroy you. You have to look out for yourself and especially for your family.

I say-- congratulations to you. The best path is most often not the easiest.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a familiar stew. Unfortunately unhealthy and dysfunctional family dynamics have dominated my life for more than 30 years. My N-Dad died within the last 5 years and, oddly enough, relations with my sibs and Mom have become worse. It seems that they need a scapegoat and I'm it since Dad died.

If it's similar, don't allow your family to make you the scapegoat. Sounds like those who still want/allow contact with your Mom are willing to live with the proverbial 'elephant in the livingroom.'

You are your children's best advocate. They should not be subjected to abuse of any kind. You're wise and strong for protecting them (and yourself). Thank goodness you have a supportive husband.

[flower]

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help said:
"I am not willing to risk the mental health just to keep my mother happy."

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Hi help,
I can relate to your statement above.

Also the idea of a bunch of relatives pressuring someone who is trying to protect one's family is frightful.

I find it interesting that your mother gave her psychiatrist permission to share her diagnosis with your sister.

[help]

Thanks to all with your great advise.  I have decided to put together an email and send it to all my siblings at the same time voicing my stance on this situation.  Flower, my mother's psychiatrist did not have her permission to talk with my sister.  One other problem with this whole situation is that we don't even know if her psychiatrist has presented the diagnosis or if he has explained her illness.  My siblings want to keep things the way they are and my sister is afraid my mom will also recognize that the Dr. gave info out without permission, so she (sister) does not want to rock the boat.  My opinion is that I don't care.  It was the dr's mistake, not ours.

Thanks again for all your help and kind words.

Help