Me too, Tupp. SOOO grateful.
I'm so very sorry you're feeling that abandonment, I do get it. Ouch.
I think for me it goes waaaay back, when things are not reciprocal.
It's very hard not to ask myself questions that probably stem from early on being unpopular. I am genuinely loved by a few friends now. But I still have early-imprint feelings echoing from when I felt more alone than words can describe.
My only fix for it now is to fear less, detach more, and spread around my sense of connection. The deep connections I have with two friends my age (one less so) are comforting, but not really as much as I'd like. But I'm still open to finding new ones.
I did a lay sermon once on loneliness (two, actually, 15 years apart). For me the key image was how vicious Western culture is toward people by describing them as "needy." I'm needy as heck. I NEEEEED people, connection, a sense of caring and being cared about. Particularly because I have no family in my life (like you). It just makes it more intense when other people seem to just open their hands and let you float away, not motivated enough to put in the effort to hold on to the thread. And you feel that the thread is YOU, so you feel abandoned over and over. Ouch ouch.
What I HAVE (finally, finally, finally) learned is that this is not about me or my worth or goodness or dignity or value--or theirs either. This is about our culture, how it's disconnected us from communities of belonging, or conducting friendships in more conscious, caring, reciprocal ways. I don't blame any individual any more for letting the thread that represents me float away. I feel sad about it from time to time, like you do, but I'm finding it's less often and less piercing.
I have come to believe that most people's minds are scattered, their hearts are anxious, their brains are tired, and their souls are weary. So the regular, satisfying, reassuring contacts that mean SO MUCH to needy-me, mean less to many others. I think most people are trudging in place right now, overwhelmed even if still functioning. And often the bright perky online reports of doings and such ring shallow (one reason I don't do social media). Not because activities or accomplishments ARE shallow--they're not!--but because I am more interested in the deep deep stuff when it's available. That's tiring for many people who find comfort in activity reports more than in navel-gazing (my major).
I can't imagine how hard it is for you to get your social needs met. And they ARE needs. There's nothing weird about weeping in the tub when you can't summon up a friend who cares enough to remember that visiting you in the evening when Son is preoccupied is for you the most meaningful connection possible. Especially while you could still drag chairs outside.
One question: Have you ever this directly and simply (shortly, briefly) stated that to friends? Such as (drumroll, script time):
Hi XXX, Would you be free to come visit me in an early evening, while Son is entertaining himself upstairs on his own? I need social contact and am realizing that meeting friends "out" is wearing me out because of how all the stimulation affects him. If you can do that, please suggest a few dates and let's pick one. If you can't these days, just say so--it helps to know either way. Thanks, Tupp
I have (belatedly) learned that it really IS okay to ask for what you want as long as you release the outcome. I have asked something similar very recently--sending out a direct message about how much I'd love to have patio or backyard visits from people I know and like. Results: Having broadcast that message to lots of friends/acquaintances, I've gotten replies (and visits) from a verrrry small handful. A couple neighbors, one close friend, and two out of the eight members in my Covenant Group (a group that meets twice a month and knows each other well).
And that's me, somebody who has worked intentionally and consistently to build relationships and community for years now. And have been friends with some of these people for ages. There's just a passivity there, that I'm accepting.
The conclusion I came to is:
--This is okay. It doesn't mean people dislike or reject me. Others' motivation to do anything meets a LOT of inertia for a host of reasons I do not need to know. That's been huge. I don't need to puzzle it out. I just need to keep living in as happy a way as I can and continue reaching out in a direct way, asking them (meaning the universe) for what I want, and releasing the outcome whatever it is.
And the reason it's really okay is that I accept that's how it often turns out, people are just doing their people thing, and I'm a unique people, and I'm just fine and lovely, and new people like me too so I can reach out to them with my direct message, and then I need to remember to reach out to another one now and then, and take walks, and refuse to draw any drastic conclusions from my current level of connectedness or its lack, because I am a fine and valuable and worthwhile human being with an intesting mind and good heart and quirky nature and great stories and I like other people generally and specifically and it's good to be alive and there are dogs.
That's about it and I doubt it will lift you out of the tub but I have complete faith that you will form friendships that are kind. No idea what shape they'll take but don't ever stop asking the universe for what you want. You'll maybe find that your "needy need" changes its shape too. Over time. Mine has modified and I'm grateful to recognize that I seldom feel pure anguish. Sad sometimes, hurt occasionally but more often "lightly" if that makes sense. I just expect less so I'm disappointed less.
One thing you CAN count on is that everything changes and flows and goes, and our individual sorrows do too.
You SO don't deserve loneliness, Tupp. I'm very very sorry you're experiencing it.
hugs and comfort and chamomile and pats on the back,
Hops
