Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Friendship Moments: good or bad
lighter:
Inner.
Nun.
Whooboy, she did have it coming, Hops. I'm proud of you for standing up to her and calling out the judgment.
Would it have been more about you and your feelings if you said you often feel you've had your emotional knuckles smacked by a nun....when she judges you.....instead of called out "her" inner nun?
Lighter
Phyll:
This "inner nun" discussion has helped me to understand the behavior of a woman I know I'll call her M), who was a casual friend I met up here at an AA meeting. M has a cottage up here 4 miles from where I live. I found M makes many of what I consider to be judgmental statements about others. I noticed too M does not keep confidences even when asked. M also added a phone number to the meeting list without asking the woman's permission. I learned this when the woman contacted me - she was upset that a male member called her and did not know how he got her number. The male member was married and was trying to get something going on the side. I suggested the woman confront M for adding her number to the list without permission.
Anyway, M came on hot and heavy when we first met, wanting to ride to the meeting together, wanting me to stop by for breakfast, take me fishing, etc. I set some boundaries back then and it was fine. At one point though she got pretty distant. It could be that I did not respond when she sent me a request to "like" her business as a spiritual advisor on FB. (She used to work as a chaplain in a hospital). I am only guessing.
I arranged to speak with M after our meeting one day, to ask if I offended her in some way, but the conversation was focused on her husband who was needing nursing home care. I decided M had enough on her plate and did not bring it up. Since the pandemic I no longer go to the meeting and do not hear from M. I texted a few times to ask about her husband and to offer support. I know M still comes up as her cottage is on the main county road and I need to drive by her place when I go to town or the post office.
The last time we spoke on the phone (I reached out to her during my struggle with the hip replacement and Lyme's disease) she told me she noticed we put up a fence here. I am angry that she would drive around my house to snoop, but not even call or text. We live off a dead end road 2 miles from the county highway - she went out of her way. I did not say anything then but it has been eating at me. I know I will not reach out to her again.
I dunno, I should and will let it go. M is really not someone I want to be involved with. I can be such a damn people pleaser though, and regret not telling her how I feel.
Hopalong:
Absolutely, Lighter.
That would have been the PERFECT way to convey how I felt. (Keeping it to I-statements, about my own feelings. Instead, I veered off into the blaming you-statement: "It must be your inner nun." (Presented as a joke but the edge was audible.) Ooo, hindsight.
I hear you about your M friend, Phyl. So disappointing.
Sometimes those with "inner nuns" are both agreeable, very group-focused, and bossy as hell. Do good works while driving folks nuts.
I'm going to try to focus on what's good/admirable and also on continuing to find the inner calm when somebody hurts (even little slights) or harms (BIG slights) me. And still forgive (my own inner Xian) but not forget. So I can have strong boundaries around them without anger.
I just hate anger. It sickens me. I'm nearly phobic about it, which ain't healthy either.
BTW, I wrote Nun a kind message owning my annoyance about feeling disapproved of, but also apologizing for my uncessary and inappropriate analysis of her motives.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Poet friend update:
At LAST. She called in tears yesterday to relate the hundredth incident of him saying belittling things, not registering her vulnerability to nasty criticical comments (or worse, registering it just fine and enjoying the effect he has). She was reduced to a frightened, quivering mess of hurt, as she so often is with him. Her confidence evaporates in an instant. I've suggested too many times that she needs therapy and she always agrees but doesn't make it happen. Maybe she's feared it all this time because if she actually does do the healing work, hard decisions would be clear.
She said: "I've decided to leave him." (That means figuring out per MI law how to get him out of HER house.) No idea how soon or how she'll manage it, but my CoD alarm is blaring. So far I've just been supportive (she said I'm the only one she talks to about it) and yet I've also made some direct statements about his cruelty.
She mentioned maybe after she tells him he has to go, she'd leave town for a while until he moves out. I worry about whether she'll have the confidence to be her own advocate and have urged her to see a lawyer to find out if there'd be any "tenant" issues to deal with. He's contributed monthly to her mortgage but isn't a legal tenant, I think. They're not married. First, she said, she's going to "continue to play the game" so as to not let on to him her intention. I can't imagine this period. My divorce was peaceful and those months of living-together-while-separated were still awful. But she does have her daughter near.
I gotta back off some though and be careful. She's so dependent on not being alone, and I did offer her a standing invite to visit or have a stay here. That could be really good, or if she found herself lashing out at me to diffuse her stress, awful. Still the invite's sincere and I'll stand by it. Will just try to be very mindful and clear about boundaries I'd need if she should come. Chances are good she might rent a lake cottage for a few weeks instead, but I'm not sure. Being ANYWHERE alone seems to be impossible for her.
All this is cart way before horse, however. I would not be surprised at all to get another call for her to explain that "he understands it now" and she's changed her mind. I hope not. Rooting for her to see it through. Supporting her has been both good (genuine closeness) but also draining (CoD-Me doesn't always know where to draw a line).
All in all, I felt such relief for her when she announced that decision. I hope she can reclaim and heal to enjoy as much of the rest of her 70s and beyond as she possibly can. She loves to write poetry, explore cultures, travel and so many things -- not on her own but she can still be active if she makes new friends. And her grand-D and D bring her joy too.
Whew. Feels like a big event. If it fizzles I'll have to practice more detachment.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Sounds like self-image & self-esteem are the core issues for her. Confidence, in a nutshell, in her own abilities. So she'll likely look for a "friend" to transfer that dependence to. A T, would be the best choice - but depending on their experience and skill may still lean on the side of doing "too much" FOR her - instead of teaching her that she can rely on herself for that kind of "support". Could've been a pattern that developed from her FOO, could've been an unconscious or subsconscious choice... or simply not being active enough in developing her self.
But that's all stuff a good T could help her discover & deal with. Not your job, in other words. But making a gift of your support in a difficult time for her - even past what you think is healthy occasionally - doesn't necessarily equal CoDependency. The key to that definition for me, is when your OWN sense of "it's OK" DEPENDS on you going above & beyond to keep HER OK. "Occasionally" is the operative word, here.
But that's just my perspective today, colored by some things (good & bad) I'm going through at the moment. It's not meant to be taken as absolute truth that works in all situations for all people, ALL the time. I'm still trying to decide if there is any purported "truth" that would meet those criteria.
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