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2021 Farm Log

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lighter:
Amber:

You're very attuned to B and his health so I likely am saying this without any need for concern. 

When B finally lands, he won't have had the little break from doing doing doing you've had.

He's been paddling hard and long....trying to get to you....get doc's and possessions sorted and the house ready for sale....closing chapters. Opening new ones.

He might not ever slow down.  He might never decompress.  I'm curious if he knows how or is willing to learn, for his health's sake.

When I read...."I think it's time we have the 'serious' talks..." my stomach did a backflip, all on it's own.  Surprised me.  Possibly all about me and my stuff....nothing to do with you and B.

 Likely, in fact.

I'm glad your plans and projects are ticking along.  I vote yes to a second wood splitter if everyone splits a lot of wood. 

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
20 days till Buck returns...

Lighter, because he's spent his whole life in the military and has been deployed on short notice for multiple jobs in various locations or extended amounts of time it's dawned on me that he's absolutely used to separations and long-distance relationships. And he is absolutely dependent on staying busy to help his brain problem-solve instead of feel pain. Until he can't go anymore, THEN he slows down. Like all of us, he's found what works for him in trying to cope and regain some control over his body again. (Docs said he'd never walk -   :rolleyes:)

He is both stronger & more fit than most men his age -- and more at the mercy of his compounded injuries -- at the same time. While mostly being the happiest weirdo I've ever met. Yeah, like the rest of us - things make him angry, or hurt him. And he doesn't make any excuses for his emotions - they're just there; and like the rest of him - what you see is what you get. And he manages his emotions very well. I really like that about him. No mind games, no over-thinking, up front, direct - and blunt is just fine with me. (He doesn't think he's very good with words; that's bullshit. He's fine with words.) Some people are sensitive to that way of being - feel it's dominating - but it isn't. He's not made any demands of me; and the requests are few and far between too. Cookies - he needs cookies. And meatloaf.  :D    OH, and lots of gravy.

I just haven't had the get up & go energy, this separation, that I had previously. So many of the things he's dealing with, struggling with, would be non-existent or easier if he was here. But, for someone who's been alone for 20 years, that's a huge change... no matter how tempting it looks, he and I both have enough experience to worry over the types of things we've experienced in the past. And with my "winter mentality" setting in early - my retreat into cerebral stuff - I'm sure that looks (on the outside) like passivity, but it's honestly not. I am dealing with a lot of stuff that I'm managing about ME, in my head and emotions.... and I'm just not overly fussy about the doing side of things right now. I want to FINISH what's already been started; I'm not ready to add new stuff. I think Hol is about the same wavelength too. Even if she's constantly telling me what she thinks I should be doing -- instead of what I'm doing.  ;)

One of my online friends, very suddenly lost her husband to a massive heart attack last week. He was studying for a medical degree and was an author in Norse history/archeology/etc. Her needs are being met, for the moment, where she lives. So, no worries there - but a lot of us are sad for her.  Deb is coming out for another weekend Friday. Her birthday is this weekend, and I've been wanting a reason to make this decadent butter & brown sugar cream cake. She's been working hard at losing weight lately - the recent stress she went through jumpstarted the process a lot - but there's no reason not to celebrate a little. She hasn't been drinking alcohol, so I made an herbal simple syrup that we mix with a little fruit juice and seltzer water for her. She's been sounding better. Laughing more. And her plan of waiting till spring to try to buy a place makes sense. Her base requirements are a tad unusual, so it's going to take awhile.

So, while to Hol, it looks like I'm "not doing anything" - I have lots going on. I don't need to jump into the middle of "doing" to do it either - sometimes it's just connecting with someone, or guiding, or teaching/researching and turning them loose to succeed/fail as they do.  I have no desire to beat myself up physically working 12-14 hr days.

That said, there are some things I want to accomplish before Buck gets here this time. So a short list is in order. I cooked yesterday for the rest of the week. And I need to finish those jeans....   :D

Hopalong:
Your idea of hibernation is mine of full-tilt boogies, Amber!

Gotta dash but this popped up:
Why not make an amazing angel-food cake with a straight raspberrry (or anyberry) drizzle for Deb?

I'm projecting. When I'm really trying and beginning to feel a little control (re. eating right) and I allow myself one "decadent" binge before I'm ready...it can start what I'd call a sugar slide (or carb catastrophe).

I'm glad she's coming and things are going so clearly and calmly with you re. B!

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Well I'm glad he's on his way, Skep, even though it does all sound like the medical stuff is still a pain in the a.  I wish they could get all of that sorted out smoothly so he just didn't have to keep jumping through the same hoops over and over again.  Maddening stuff.  I'm glad he's properly on his way, though :)

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Tupp. This time it's harder not to totally miss him....

I've been in a state of suspended animation, it feels like. Still doing things; but sleep walking through it. I'm like holding my breath till he's sitting next to me again. It's the feeling that I was working hard on avoiding previous times we've been separated. I think because this was just a couple months separation, I figured I didn't have to discipline myself, set some ground rules... because it wouldn't be that long and momentum would prop me up through it.

Oopsie. I was definitely wrong. I finally cracked last night & called him. Just to hear his voice. His kitty had a tough "cat dignity" evening - and it was funny in a totally pure way. Mr. Stinker on the other hand, has been velcro cat. Totally attached to me and super lovey.

It hasn't helped a lot that Hol's been home unexpectedly. IATSE did vote to strike; so last-ditch negotiations are still going on. Her production shut down unexpectedly this week, due to a vague Covid excuse. She's in the mid-life re-examining everything phase... wants to know why I'm not in the same phase as she is... and not accepting that I've already done that work; changed what I could change... and now just want to be left alone to live my life anyway I see fit. Bettering humanity and myself sounds like too big a project to me. I got enough to work through, right here. And none of it is interesting enough (even to me) to talk about and make a "deal" about it.

I think I'm firmly ensconced in my old "in the world and not of it" mentality again. And it's cozy right now. Doing what I can and have to do... want to do. Not going out of my way to stick my nose into things I can only say "ain't it awful" about... and not feeling called to participate in teaching anyone anything about anything.  It's the inner child, crossing her arms, sticking out her tongue, saying "NO", "I don't wanna". It's someone else's turn.

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