Total exhaustion

[Bloopsy]

HI guys. I have been using this board for the opposite of what it is meant to be a support place. I read the posts and I realize that I am using them as ammunition against myself to call myself a narsissist.
About a year ago I was battling this voice in my head that kept telling me you don't deserve inspiration(I was and hopefully one day can be an artist) or to learn in any way. My mom's boyfriend who used to yell at me when I was happy---doing my art and sewing-saying how could you do that when people in the world are starving. A part of me got so traumatized at that point that I am afraid when I get a good feeling. Or I try to do something I like. The voices in my head are all about how could you who do you think you are. And I am scared because I feel like I am starting to identify with him. Where I used to be angry at him I now sort of see him as an all benevolent god. This means from what I have read that I could be turning narsissist. A year ago I found a good way (deep breathing) to help me to quit smoking) but the voices in my head were like but that would only help you and I felt so strongly that that would be wrong that I did not sdo it. I always thought that I had no right to have friends'/any support outside of this house, and now I am 28 and still here. I feel this place inside where there is me when I was being yelled at for making a skirt and I was so happy feeling my own pleasure and then it was like the whole blame for all the suffering in the world was seeped into me. Sometimes it has opened up and I have been so terrified shaking drowning. I have not had any of my own pleasure for a long time. I feel like it is no wonder I used to read over and over Franz Kafka's The Trial which for those of you that haven't read it is about a man who is on trial for some reason no one will tell him  ----windin mazes of guilt. And I stopped making that skirt and to this day I haven't been able to finish anything that would be good for me. I feel so sad that in that instant of him scorning me and yelling at me for finding my own pleasure it has been imprinted in my soul. I feel so devastated like a wasted life. I know that if I am to heal I am going to have to come against that fear and help the part of me that is still stuck there. I used to struggle to do my art and find ways to beat off the voice. It made me so sad because I was playing the piano one day and he said you should do that more and I felt like if only he had said that when it matters when I wasnot so exhausted form all the internalized shame that I had the heart to do it. My voice is so weak now I can hardly sing. And singing helps.
Thank you for listening and from writing this I have the feeling that I am about to have to become very militant------in giving myself what I need my own pleasure my own voice and stop living off of these people who hurt me. I can't move out yet but I can stop taking anything from them because it is all tainted and it is all poison.I can't ----every time I talk I feel like I may be lashed for it and I am internally ----- his anger has gone but it lives out in me. I once confronted him about how he used to treat me and he flat denied it eyes fixed on the TV. He is kind to me now but I can sense it is out of pity. I live in his house. I constantly want to please him and I admit that I think of him as the protector. I think he protects the status quo---you are stupid and weak and I am the All knowing ---oh my am I getting angry. I know I am living in the past------he doesn't know that his voice rinngs in my head along with many others whenever I try to be true to myself.  A hole opened in me I realized that since he shamed me for making that skirt I have felt that my own pleasure/being was wrong and to be ashamed of and hid and now I feel like it is all ebbing away and I just want the protection of the man who took it from me so whole world won't come flooding in and everyone's voice turn into his voice and everyone kill me like that. He is not a monster but he was to me. He took away the little things the pleasures that make life worth living, can anyone relate to that??? Now it all seems like a hopeless dance and getting myself better seems like a dead end always comeing back to the same place ehre the world came flooding in and me being there was a horrible shameful thing.

Thank you for listening.
Love B

[Portia]

Hiya Bloopsy, you said "He took away the little things the pleasures that make life worth living, can anyone relate to that??? "

Oh yes! And what's more, you've made me realise the same thing happened to me. Anything I did and enjoyed was degraded - listening to music, reading, writing, drawing, talking to or being with friends! - anything. That was my step-dad. He just stopped anything he wanted to. Anyway, you set me thinking. Thank you. He didn't think he was a control-freak, but he was. He was his own one-man cult!

Whatever he thought about himself, whatever anyone else thought about him - that doesn't lessen or negate the impact it had on me. What matters to me is what I felt at the time, regardless of his intention. It's the same for you. What matters is how you felt and feel now, what is real to you.

Doing - or not doing - what you do will not stop the bad things happening in the world. But if you do what you want to, and take pleasure from that, you make your small part of the world brighter. He was cruel making you feel guilty for feeling good. Feeling good is what you were born to rightly expect! (((Bloopsy)))

[Anonymous]

Bloopsy,

   I certainly don't think you are a narcissist, but you are receiving some very bad messages from others.  It's more than mere control, he has a huge problem and he's infecting you with it.  If anyone is the N, he would be in this case.

   The demeaning and devaluing of your good traits, the assault upon your character when you are happy, and the looming fear you feel that he may be right?  Arrrg.... I hope you don't mind if I tell you he sucks.  He's stuck only in his own head, with his own failures and his own lackings, and he's turning them around on you.  He's making his mission in life your own.
   But I'm familiar with it.
   I think part of the reason you may be putting those things off is because the reward you would expect in sharing your artistic accomplishments appears to be negative, or at very best non-existant, so what's the point?
   Yes, it may be said that we creative souls (of which I'm one) are supposed to create for our own personal release, but I can assure you we take great pleasure in having our creative endeavors enjoyed by others, to the point it may be our driving force to create.   So let's say, as a musician, you only have "visions" of one day playing to others.  If the others around you don't even want to hear it, what kind of message is that to you about the rest of the world? Not a good one.
 
  Well... let me remind you that the rest of the world is here and waiting.
  We don't care what the crusty head of your household thinks, how he walks, talks, or shapes his greasy comb-over.  We are out here waiting to be inspired by the artists of this world who create the things that make it worth living.
   We want your beauty, we want your creations, and we want to smile at you and share your joy of accomplishment.
   
 Even more so, I want you to be you, and I want you to express yourself, even if you grab the oil paints and create a Picasso-like rendering of the hellish, tormenting soul the governor of your house is.
  If you are looking for permission to create and be you...  you got it!
  Play me a nightmare in A Minor, anything at all... but get it out!
  If you're mad, I'm mad with you... and I'm singing harmony.
  Let 'er rip!

   -Gene

[Bloopsy]

Thank you Portia and Gene. It's been a while since I felt so understood and even validated(!!!) . I feel like I will have to read your letters over and over. I feel so far away that things can't get to me or I can't really understand them. I woke up this morning to this cynical voice in my head "so you have given up on yourself huh" and I admit that I couldn't say yes or no. I feel like my spirit is hiding from me until I can make a better place for it. Actually that is what my accupuncturist said and it helps me to understand how I've been feeling for a long time.
Thanks guys for your support. Thank you for helping me to feel like a real person and caring.
Love, Bridget/Bloopsy

[Anonymous]

<<My mom's boyfriend who used to yell at me when I was happy---doing my art and sewing-saying how could you do that when people in the world are starving.>>

What a stupid, thoughtless, moronic thing to say. (sorry but that's how I feel when reading this) I suppose he launched meanspirited attacks when he was in a bad mood and couldn't stand anyone else being happy. And he probably forgot he said it within seconds, while you were traumatized for years! It's torture for a sensitive, artistic, imaginative person to be cooped up with an oaf, but that's how life can be.  My only feedback is to KEEP BEING CREATIVE no matter what the miserabilists of the world say to you. Don't listen to them. Don't take it in.  That's it.

bunny

[Cardiac Thump]

I just wanted to add one more thing, Bloop...

     You ARE using this message board correctly.
     
     " get on yo' bad moto' scootah and ride!"

         -Gene

[Bloopsy]

Gene, does that mean that you think that I am an N?

[Anonymous]

...only if N is an abbreviation for Normal.  

    You are using this board correctly because you are sharing your problems and we are here to help.
    Your ability to discuss your situation and your emotions, your ability to see that you are being treated poorly all tell me you are okay.
    I think you are mis-using the term "voicelessness" in trying to apply it to yourself.
    Yes, you feel voiceless because you are surrounded by negativity.
    Nothing that's coming out of the mouth of the master of your home is real.  It's based from his own deep internal issues and his own lack of being able to positively express himself, or to show some understanding of your own feelings.  *He* is the one with the empty soul which cannot speak or relate properly,  thus can only feed his own hollowness through taking from your fullness.
   
    If you cannot separate yourself physically, then please make an effort to separate yourself emotionally from him.  Try to realize that what you are feeling is from his problems, not your own.
   
   In fact, I urge you to fight those messages he is placing into you... and don't believe a single one of them.   You don't have to get nasty with him, just show him.  
  Keep playing... play louder... play stronger...sing  and sing louder.
  Take your creativity back from him and set it free, all the while knowing that any negative commentary from him is nothing more than his own lacking of self-esteem surfacing to say " Hey, you're pretty good at that".
 
  But of all things, get out as soon as you can.  

  -Gene

[Bloopsy]

Dear Gene, I almost don't want to post this because the way you paint my situation would be a lot better and more nice to believe. It is not his voice that I have to worry about anymore it is the voice in myhead that I toolkk in from him and all the other people that treated me like crap. That lashes out at me whenever I am true to me. If I go away I take that voice with me wherever I go. It's not him. I can't get away. It punishes me when I do things like say affirmations for myself and I was talking to my therapist and sshe said so only say them once a day I just feel like my mentalk health is deteriorating to the point where I believe these voices and always will. It can't be true. I can't believe that it's true and youknow what I mean anyone?
Thank you Love Bloopsy

[Anonymous]

Hi Bloopsy,
   I will try to be brief, and will hopes someone else rings in for you.
     Here is a nice webpage on feelings resulting from family and emotional trauma:
     http://www.pureintimacy.org/gr/intimacy/understanding/a0000131.cfm

    and here is a link to Dr. Grossman's own page about destructive relationships and why we seem to fall into a trap of pursuing them:
    http://www.voicelessness.com/repetition.html


   So...I understand my post may have been "too easy", and by that I mean that it's easy for me to say those things, and much harder for you to believe them or accept them.  That's why you need to continue with your therapy.  Almost everyone here who has been exposed to narcissistic people have felt exactly like you do, yet the only difference may be the degree and depths of the personal doubt and shame transferred upon them.

   A genuine narcissist, in my way of thinking..is missing something that you have.   You have a memoryof the person you used to be, and you have a memory of the way you used to positively feel about yourself as well as the things you used to enjoy that brought you great personal satisfaction.
   I think a therapist should really be of help with getting your better side back.  I truly don't believe you enjoy feeling the way you are feeling.
  -Gene

[Bloopsy]

you are right Gene. I hate the way I am feeling. It feels like my passion/compassion for life is in a cage.
Thank you for those links they are helpful. It's hard for me to swallow all at once--I recognize almost everything and it makes me kind of nauseous.
This may just be me acting like a know it all but I have to ask myself why is it so easy to accept all the abusive lifekilling things and then when my therapist tells me I am fighting for my life my response is to want to hide in bed. The things that you said make me scared ---I know that the voices in my head will do their best to keep me in bed though. Thank you for saying something different.

[ellie as guest]

Hi Bloopsy

You are not alone dealing with the horrid voices in your head. I just want to validate you and encourage you to continue to get out what you are thinking and feeling.

I was right in your shoes earlier this spring. The day I realized what was really going on in my family, the day I put a label on the mental illness my parents own, the day I realized it wasn't me - it was them! was my first day to taking the steps your are climbing now.

How to get the voices out of your head. I asked this many times on this board. I have ridded myself of many so far. I don't live with them constantly ringing anymore. I am starting to hear my own voice first in many situations. I got here by doing the following exercise:
I had to dig deep, allow myself to revisit the terrible memories of my youth and talk it all out with someone.
I then owned up to my past, claimed it as mine - I had seen it more as someone else's past for so long. How could a person let someone control another so was what I asked myself. I was in denial for a long time.
Then I realized what was holding me captive. My Nparents did not hold any threat of money (inheritence), or things like that. I lived 2,000 miles away from them so I don't ever see them. But I still feared them. I still thought they would and could follow through with their threats made over many years.

My Nfather lived happily thinking he twirled me around his fingers. So my day of freedom from contant voices (fear) was the day I called them and told them both with much conviction that I no longer feared them. I told them I now realize they cannot beat me anymore, they cannot take my kids from me as promised, they cannot demean me anymore unless I call them, they cannot control me anymore. And I believed what I told them.

Now I hear only little, frail, pathetic mumors from the past.

I hope you can pinpoint what is holding the voices in your head so you can exercise whatever it is and be able to move on to finding your happiness.

BTW, I can't draw a lick, but I am a pianist, quilter, seamstress, music teacher. I can relate to your past somewhat. My Nparents only wanted the pianist part to come out. They shoned any other type of creative expression - they dismissed it and told me I was a failure at everything. The reason they kept the pianist part was they put me on stage to perform. Being a kid, the audience did not recognize my talents to me, they approached my parents and praised them. As I grew older and started getting the praise myself, they refused to hear me play anymore.

My mother is a seamstress and she refuses to admit that I am good. I made lap quilts for them for Christmas one year and she asked what they were supposed to do with them anyway. Funny, she still has them on the sofa and chair, but to my face she refused to accept the gifts.

I made my daughter many dresses, and my kids many costumes for Halloween. My Nmoms answer was to send them something to overshadow what I told her I made.

My Ndad refused to tell me I played the piano well. He always said 'girl, you're doing better but you will never be as good as your sister'. Then he would praise her in front of everyone.

But I know now what my talents have meant to others. I was church pianist for 15 years. I taught children's music for many years. I made baby quilts for hospitals. I made quilts for my mother-in-law and she loved them. I have many quilts in my home we all love to cuddle in. I have my memories of my little babies in their cute Halloween costumes. They were thrilled to have such creative costumes.

I made people happy. I know that now. My Nparents cannot take that away from me. It makes me happy now to think about it.

Your creative talents make others happy, and they make you happy. They probably would make your family happy if they weren't say damn jealous! Own your talents, own your happiness. Use some creative talents this holiday season to make someone else happy. It will be a gift you give yourself. Draw or paint a picture. Play a beautiful carol. Sing aloud. Get some carolers together and proclaim your happiness and merriment!

It is there waiting on you to claim. Go get it!

[onlyrenting1]

Hi Bloopsy

A Note on the creative side being crushed by the N's in our lives.

You almost have to show others you know what your doing.

Let me share this story: Making a long story short. I was recovering from cancer and surgery, so I was put on a long term disability for about a year. (I'M fine now) this was several years ago.

My Husband being the N that he is, expected me not to spend any money on making crafts.
He was working at the time but because I only had a limited income I was to use the little money I had to help with the bills, not spend it on TRYing  to make money with crafts.

At the time this was a novel Idea.

I live in a very rocky area, rocks are everywhere.
I went out and picked up all different sizes and started to paint them. Some became animals, others became pictures on rocks.
My friends flipped when I sold my garden frogs for $40.00 a piece. Needless to say the cost was minimal.

The doubt others place on you is only their short-sighted view.
Even my friends had great doubt. Not only the N's, we get this behavior from all sides.
You need to believe in your dreams and if that dream doesn't work out, dream another one.
 
I had never painted before needless to say rocks and to make money from something free was just sweet.
Some of those rocks didn't turn out quite the way I thought but most were impressive. Laugh at your failed ones and move on.
 
I think it was very healing to create from your own hands. I'm happy I got out there and showed those doubters how magic can happen with a little desire.

Don't let others take your desire away, keep it in a safe place. Take it out so others can share who you are and let us all be surprized.

keep on doing your thing......Onlyrenting1

[Bloopsy]

You are all beautiful beautiful beautiful. Thank you so much. Today I will try to disown the voices. I will say I know you  you are angry bitter Ivan. I know you you are be a nice girl mommy. I will say I know you and I am not you. I know you you are stingy Ivan, judging Ivan, shaming Cathy bad mean and stupid. Thank you guys. I drew a picture today.
I have to tiptoe around the voices.

[Bloopsy]

I am reading that site Gene about all the various things that it has on it thank you this time from my heart how come you are so kind? That sounds dumb to ask. I used to be kind too before. How come I am no longer kind? I think I am too tired too angry and too ashamed to be kind. There is a big lump in my throat. I want to smoke a cigarette. I used to care so much I thought I could recover. When I was in accupuncture today I saw the 13 year old me. she did a slow limping dance and then showed me the front of her body was torn open and blooddy like she had been gauged at by animals. But she/I did it to myself becuase I thought I deserved it. I just lay there shocked. I could not respons to my child except to say I see you. I can't stop the bad voices. But I will make us brush our teeth tonight so those don't get worse.