mental health

[lighter]

How are the refugees doing, Hops?  How is the housing solution going?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Our particular sponsored family has to move out by end of June as rent's being hiked.  The families in hotels are at the mercy of whatever the nonprofit can scrabble to find, still waiting (for months).

There truly is a massive affordable housing shortage, and the government subsidy for these refugees doesn't cover the gap.

It's a hard situation that won't get much easier soon.

But I'm glad they can now make clothes.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I've been struggling lately with mental health (worse since the war began). The magical inositol was hugely effective against anxiety symptoms and I was thrilled. But...I began to notice really significant cognitive lapses and memory problems. Not just normal "oops, we all forget stuff" but really striking disorientation and confusion. Pouring white wine in my tea instead of soymilk (understandable, similar bottles side by side). A few days later, shook up a bottle of kefir without the top on, sprayed it everywhere. I set things down and it's an arduous whole-house scan to find them again, as I have zero memory of where I put them down moments before. Scary shit.

I wake up zombified some mornings and feel weird in my head (which triggers stroke fears). I have SOB and chest pain periodically, more in the evenings. Cardiac stress test (chemically induced as he doesn't want me on the treadmill) coming up June 2nd. After that, I figure either:
--they'll find nothing cardiac (so the options I know of are anxiety, esophageal damage from GERD or remotely--since I never wheeze--unusual asthma).
--they'll find some blockage or other, which hopefully could be fixed (STENT or surgery), after which I'd be able to exercise again w/o fear.

I'm grateful to the cardiologist for listening to me (reading my message). I told him: I completely accept this could be aggravated anxiety symptoms, or GERD, or perhaps a lung condition, or something cardiac. But I'm exhausted from not knowing and have developed a phobic fear of exercise, especially alone. Embarrassing but true.

So once I have that test I will KNOW MORE. That's what helps most. Just getting to the reality of what I'm dealing with, symptom wise.

But the cognitive stuff, striking confusion, generally knowing my brain wasn't working right...I finally asked myself, is this due to the big dose of inositol? I cut it by 75% overnight and notice the brain is working better. Don't know why it happened but it does seem the best explanation, as it was the biggest change.

Studies often use huge doses to investigate new substances -- for inositol vs panic, the dose was 18g/day. I took 12g for weeks. Now I'm taking about 2. I'll cut it out entirely if brain fog doesn't go entirely (apart from NORMAL aging effects).

Hasn't been fun. Emotionally/mentally, I've been in rocky shape lately. Dysfunction at home bigger than usual, and I rarely go anywhere.

Socially, despite having people I love, there's still the pattern of FB and texting having taken over. So the phone doesn't ring. Conversations don't happen. The loneliness has become a way of life. So....reaching to Pooch and to crows for some sense of connection. Sad.

Anyway, I am trying to reach out more. I just hate being the ever-initiator. But now's not the time to worry about that.

Re-entry after two years of isolation is proving a big challenge, I'm sure for everyone. I remain the strictest among my friends about risk taking. Omicron is still here, though going down. People right and left still get it and for older folks, it's still dangerous. Booster shots wear off after 4 months so vaccination isn't a gold ticket. I will feel better after Booster #2 once they release it. (Pfizer).

This too will pass and I can get better. Just needed to vent about it. Wish so wish SO wish I had a daily companion. A little 5-minute vent a day, plus a have-your-back human and an occasional hug, would set my world to rights.

Thanks for listening, Amazons.

hugs
Hops

PS -- POSITIVES: Sun is out today, after another cold/snow snap. Tonight I do a new poetry group (online of course) which could be good. I Zoomed with my poet friend yesterday. Can't get excited about going back to church but it's open again, when I'm ready. Pooch is funny, sweet and fills my heart. I fear her aging too. Afghan family's doing better; father got his license and a member donated a car!

[lighter]

Hi, ((Hops:))

I want to gently remind you about pebbles and noses and collective fear and sadness during times of war and illness sweeping the earth.  You've been through so much in recent years and you won't have answers from the tests till June or July. That seems like a long time to no have ansers esp if you're worried about having a stroke.   Not knowing what's creating the brain fog and inability to sleep and forgetfulness would be upsetting for anyone experiencing it and you're human, so it's OK... go ahead and have it.

 I wonder how you're dealing with it.... if it comes and goes or are you IN IT without relief for extended periods?  Do you recover and get slammed with it again or is it chronic and rarely gives you a break?  Going back to some basics for getting your nose off the pebbles and I know you have those answers, but sometimes the fear and fog hide them, IME.  My T reminds me, brings me back, guides me to do remember and practice the things I know bring relief, bc I can't always remember on my own, esp when I'm in fight or flight.  THINKING just makes it worse and you're a thinker.

Perhaps moving the tests up might be possible so you have some answers sooner than later?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter, for these kind reminders.
My nose has been so anxious it's got pebbles stuck up it.

The test won't be moved up -- was already moved later for omicron.
Wish it could but I also dread it. You go in a big donut machine that contains a lot of cameras, then they inject the drugs that make your heart think you're exercising and jack it up in speed just as they would on a treadmill. I guess it's safer, dunno. I think a radioactive isotope is injected too but I'm not certain.

Regarding:
...if it comes and goes? -- that happens
...or are you IN IT without relief for extended periods?  -- that happens too
Do you recover and get slammed with it again? -- this happens
or is it chronic and rarely gives you a break? -- lately, it's more chronic

When I do have my face in the rocks tools and tricks don't feel available to me, even if they're across the room. I grow very very still, like a rabbit in shrubbery. Only doing that seems to let my breathing slow and the panic sensations recede.

I will do better tomorrow as I'm seeing my T. Tomorrow evening (I had it down for tonight, incorrectly) is the new poetry group. Forgot that my dear poet friend will be in it too, thanks to Zoom.

And I have a friend coming by Saturday for a bit. I need to do and plan more but when I feel this...weak...it's difficult to set things up. Although I can do that on condition it's a very flexible plan and we should confirm on the day. That would allow me to cancel with grace if I need to.

Thanks for caring, Lighter.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I'm sorry you're stuck in this. I get the interminable waits for tests & appts. is SOP now, unless you go to the ER - and you will likely wait there too.

It's warm & sunny today! Get out in the fresh air and soak it up! Throw a toy for pooch, sip some tea and feel the sun on your skin. It sounds like you need to upgrade your way of perceiving "being your body". Tweak it a bit. Without altering chemical balances with any supplements. Simplest way to GET in your body is to simply stand. Think of it as a sun salutation? Align your shoulders & back & hips... loosen your shoulders & neck & arms... feel down to your feet (and especially barefoot) feel the slow steady grounding earth energy soak in from the bottoms of your feet. Imagine a string at the very top of your head. And breath comfortably, feeling the fresh air nourish the cells in your body... the sunlight kissing your skin... and the earth energy holding you gently but securely.

The lonliness has been an issue for some time, hasn't it? I recall you mentioning a fear of being alone in old age a lot. Maybe you could feel less fear, if you got one of those med call buttons? I think there are bracelets and necklaces you could wear. And I think they can even be localized now - and possibly alert designated friends? Crazy, dumb things happen to all of us sometimes... and should it happen when we're alone and left the phone where we can't reach it... yeah, it can be scary. It could be your "If all else fails... " summon Superman button. 

I can wish all I want that you didn't have this fear and could find the joy in being alone, and make peace with how you live in your space. Find your way to providing your own sense of security in the situation. But only YOU can do that. And you CAN try some things that might practically speaking, help. They might not too. It's not a failure on your part or weakness - you just are exploring and discovering what is the right solution FOR YOU.

I get the impact of aging, too, on so many things about how we feel and perceive ourselves. My "guy in charge" turns 70 this month and I'm not THAT far behind him. If I were still alone here, I'm pretty sure I'd be looking at everything very differently. But I just don't FEEL that old and have been blessed with pretty good health. Yep, my stairs to get in/out of the house & studio, the hills between everything... all this has been my gym. Most days, I conquer them like a 40 yr old. Some days.... it seems more like Kilimanjaro. But I'm letting go the tendency to beat myself up mentally, because I AM older now. And have come to appreciate a slower pace in my life. (AND trust me!! Even THAT acceptance can be turned into a "problem" by my over-active brain. I have to watch myself like a hawk, or I'll regress into the old ruts I worked so hard to escape in T. This is why I consider myself "high maintenance" - but I'm also worth it. The benefits of doing that work are worth it.)

All this means, that I'm experiencing a lot of change right now. Younger people getting involved - Hol here, new people at the business; Buck and his indomitable one foot in front of the other... I kinda think that all the change around me (as I figure out what my old age might look like) kinda rubs off on me. It's good juju - even if it just exists in my landscape and isn't something I can claim; yet. But it's headed that way.

[Twoapenny]

Sounds really horrible Hopsie, I'm sorry you've got all this to deal with on top of everything else.  I completely get the wanting to have someone at your side - not dependency, have to be glued together day and night but just knowing someone (with a healthy attachment!) is part of your life and can help with whatever might be helpful at the time.  I don't know how your health system works there, do you have to contact individual docs yourself to arrange appointments or do you see a general doc who advises what to do?

I hope things start to settle/ease a bit soon xx

[lighter]

How did T appointment go, Hop?

[Hopalong]

Thanks y'all, I'm SO grateful for your voices.

I'm okay. Going to let your responses rest and settle overnight
and chime in again tomorrow.

(A little drained after the poetry thing, which went well.)

big hugs,
Hops

[Hopalong]

I love that grounding meditation, Amber. It is good advice, thanks. And you're right that loneliness is a lifelong issue, with the most acute two periods being childhood and recent years. In terms of vulnerability to isolation, those early and these later years are the chapters when it has had the most impact. So...more planning, reaching out, connecting and joining are as important for me to do as medical followups.

Thanks, Tupp, for literally understanding the feeling so well. I do think technology can help some in a practical way (the alert button, for example), but for me the problem is emotional and spiritual, not practical (or at least not yet). When I read an article yesterday about an AI companion for isolated elderly I wrote a friend that I'd rather sign up for Dignitas. Only partially tongue in cheek.

I'm doing fine managing my own medical appointments and the issue of having to wait a while for a non-emergency test isn't worrying me. I'm not giving up, just vulnerable to high anxiety and distress at times. Last night was another all-night-insomnia session, so today I'm lying low (well, I do that every day these days).

If all may not be well I can count on all being whatever it is. Working on getting good with that. T session went well, Lighter. I think we're a bit better as a team.

Crows still come for lunch. Today Pooch and I will have an expedition for dog food, when she loves the smell smorgasbord of the pet store. Tonight is covenant group, also a good thing. I can generally be quite open there.

Hope y'all have some early spring joys today, small or large.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It's jelly bean season Hops!!!!!!!!!

I'm the famous bean hoarder this time of year. They are extremely hard to find any other time of year. So my cover story (if anyone cares to ask) is that I make lots of easter baskets.

:silly:

But since I can't find cadbury eggs.....    at self.

[lighter]

Hops:

I'm definitely stronger with my T guiding me through tough times, redirecting me back to calmer waters..... going over everything with a calm mind and my whole brain when I can't manage it myself and sometimes I just can't and that's OK too.

Like my T says.... when I can't reach my center... it's usually bc I'm resisting acceptance in some way.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm tuning into my CoD traits a lot lately. It's cropping up mainly in how INTENSELY I react to Poet friend's toxic relationship. Here's the pattern (it's been helpful to figure it out):

She shares or describes some incredibly callous, mean, cruel, nasty, put-downs or even threats ("I want to leave") he emits. When she's hurt this way, it reverberates in me and I am just stricken. I react with powerful empathy but if this makes sense, too much. (Her inner narrative which she once said aloud: "I cannot be alone.")

Then...two days later I get a chirpy message saying again, for the umpteenth time,
"I've explained it to him. He sees it now. We're having a nice time now. He understands that now. Now he knows....etc". She has a kind of delusion (professor parents) that if she just INSTRUCTS him sufficiently about why what he's doing or thinking wrongly, he'll stop doing it. But from the outside, I see the pattern as a pernicious cycle that she (abused in toddlerhood and beaten by first spouse) repeats over and over and over. He always reverts to verbal cruelty, she always responds with lectures, there's a short honeymoon, and the moment he's frustrated or stressed, he does it again. She explains it again; he does it again. Repeat.

Then. I start to feel desperate to help her SEE. To free herself. To not commit the precious remaining years of her life entrapped with a mean, bullying, contemptuous man who's burned through three wives and I don't know how many other women. For a reason. So I try and try and try. And then it hits me:

What about MY pattern? What about ME is dysfunctional in being so intensely upset about her own choices for her own situation? Maybe what's stressing me about it is my desperation, more than her pattern? Why can't I insulate myself better against the suffering of someone I love? I'm not helping when I'm caught up in my own feelings about it. (I think I'm doing the same with Tupp sometimes.) More grist for the T.

So it's finally more clear that this is also about ME, not just others. How many times in my own life have I repeated the same old kinds of attractions and reactions that haven't freed me, strengthened me, or turned me in a healthier direction?

Got an abacus handy?

I'm owning it. Feel free to remind me.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I find myself working on responding instead of reacting all the time .. ...and accepting what is, now, Hops.

All the time....being kind to myself under stress, while relaxing, while supporting others....so very kind to me.  It's a new language and takes consistent practice.

I notice I'm super sturdy and less reactive when I m tending to my own Business first...  when my world is in balance.

Wouldn't it be nice if your poet friend left her bully and spent time healing with or nearby you?  I think it might be.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

responding instead of reacting

Yes yes, Lighter! Exactly the goal.

Interesting thing you posit -- I'm don't hink it'd be good for me at all to have her right by me, because I think she brings things to her struggle with him that might get turned against me were I pretending I could be that refuge. She has a temper too.

I think as long as she's caught up in what feels (from my perspective) like a delusion (she'll lecture and then he'll change) ... I actually wouldn't want that responsibility.

I'm not one to be "partner" (despite my intense opinions about it) to her healing. I think, honestly, that the most likely outcome is they're going to be locked in a terminal miserable pas de deux, and she'll wail in pain over it part of the time, and the rest of the time want to talk about butterflies. If she wants to do something different, she'll have to come to that choice on her own. (I know anybody close to a person in a toxic relationship yearns for them to "wake up." It's common, and commonly futile, ime. Almost like being close to an alcoholic. They have to find their own rock bottom or push-off point. You can't hand it to them.)

I think spilling all this out has helped me hear myself. I was getting unhealthy the more CoD I got about it, so I don't think having her right under my nose would improve anything. Better to send blessings and good hopes for her. She hasn't found a T and is full of la-la-la because she's just not ready. And might never be. Her agenda is hers, and she has a right to extricate herself or choose not to. I'm working at letting that all go...focusing on learning how to say "umm, hmmm, whatdoyouwanttodo?" instead of "RUN!"

I've said my piece often enough. I want to maintain my serenity while she vents but NOT keep repeating my piece. I've helped her to the degree I can, she is proceeding in her own life and choices, and I want to back off some for both our sakes.

I want serenity. I'm not the linchpin of her life. Love her dearly, but don't want to be that.

hugs
Hops