mental health

[Hopalong]

Well here's a short mental health thought:

I'm struggling with state of mind. The world, my own wee concerns, the country collapsing into facism, general dread...it's all big enough to seep past my defenses.

I feel irritable with friends (try not to show it) and here it is glorious late spring and I'm still not feeling very sociable. I feel a dark cloud hanging over everyone I know, so there's nothing unique about my mood, I know. Going for another swim at the same place tomorrow late afternoon, which I'm sure will help a lot along with a little company.

But that's it. Remind me not to work up my usual dread of winter isolation in June, fer godssake! All will be well and what isn't will pass, even if it's only when I do.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Feel better today.
Yesterday cancelled a visit with old friend whose own anxiety doesn't mingle well with mine, and who doesn't take turns listening. Just decided it'd be better to meet on a day when I think we might both get a chance to share. She was working on something and content to do a raincheck too.

Today is lovely -- I woke at 430 and instead of fighting it, enjoyed the early morning a lot. Pooch cuddles, and recording a video reading a special poem by Wendell Berry They requested I do one for the Sunday service and it made me (and them) happy.

So I'm short on sleep but will nap, and later at 530 take my 80 y/o dear pal out to a gorgeous place near the mountains to swim (again). Looking forward to it.

Hope all'a y'all are well today and finding beauty where you can.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I hope you enjoy this summer solstice, Hops.  The swim witih your pal sounds amazing.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.
My pal is amazing. She's bringing her adult Ds too, both of whom are fabulous.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

My little video "benediction" (Wendell Berry) was well received today. One interesting thing happened: a woman I know but not well, called to ask for a copy and wound up inviting me to go to Botswana! She's been to amazing camps there, twice, and wants to go again.

It was painful to tell her I can't afford it. Imagine: stunning parks, darkest night sky, the African wildlife (you go from one camp to another via Cessna). Oy. Wanted to go to Africa all my life, but accept it's not in the cards.

But she inspires me regardless -- I can interpret that model for day trips in my gorgeous state, just as well. She invited me to visit so I'll go over tomorrow for a porch sit.

It'll be nice to get to know someone my age and gender who's seizing the day.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

So! I apologize for inflicting my processing here (dark events thread) but wanted to say I've weathered it for now and am better in the last day or so. I do think we all need safe spaces to express our pain, dismay, confusion or sorrow, regardless of where we are in the sacred privacy of a voting booth. YMMV on that and I don't want to rock the norms that let everyone feel safe and comfortable here, so please forgive me if I've distressed anyone. I'll try to stop referencing outer world stuff as best I can.

Some of my heart feeling better can be chalked up to getting re-involved in doing something constructive for community: https://www.vtvnetwork.org/

It feels both exciting and comforting to be in at the ground level. I'm also trying to bring in a few others who may want to join the board or the wider group) -- we just might launch in about a year.

As was true with the refugees effort, I feel better when I'm not just focused on myself. And with this work, there are regular meetings and I do feel valued. My church peers often (unintentionally I'm sure) made me feel taken for granted.

Anyhow, wanted to share what's getting me through and hope all of us are finding that passage. Would love to hear.

hugs, off to Zoom with T...
Hops

[lighter]

I'm glad you found something you feel builds you up AND gives back, Hops.

Such a worthy cause and you have so much to offer.

Lighter

PS  I responded to this post, at greater length, and it's just gone.

[Hopalong]

Sorry, this is the poem I videoed for the benediction. When I read it aloud, slowly, it changes how I feel. Every time.
Hugs, Hops

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

[Hopalong]

I've got a good load of things to talk to my T about this week. Sometimes, given how longwinded I am, it's hard to fit them into 55 minutes. So thought I'd try condensing part of it here, kind of outlining it in order to organize my thoughts before we talk.

Good News: May sound silly but this is biiig. My "paralysis" and ADD-associated (though maybe it's also been unrecognized depression-associated) clutter and disorder at home has changed in an unexpected way. When I randomly thought about trying the SAD light anew the other morning -- now I am worried I already told y'all this but whatev -- I just did it, and the whole day was amazing. I tidied up and finished things and put away stuff and just stayed in a positive, productive mood all day long. I didn't recognize myself. I ate healthy food and was more active and just felt more alive.

I felt a connection to my home that was happy and loving. In some weird way it was like being loving to myself. I feel as though it was a big and surprising breakthrough, my brain's response to the light. Circadian and more.

So I used the light again yesterday with the same energy result and this morning too, and I'm going to keep it up. It's SO extreme, the contrast. Inescapable. In a funny way, I'm also wondering if having that patio rebuilt was a giant act of self care. ??? Seems to have jogged something loose. I still read and wrote and did lots online, but every time I took a break I DID things that needed doing, from laundry to food to dog etc.

The SAD light seems to affect me in a very direct and dramatic way now --moreso than I've felt it before, though it always "worked" to a degree. All of it positive.

I would donate a toe if I could keep this uplifted, different feeling, but I know not to have too many expectations. I could be having mood shifts for other brain reasons I'm not clear about. But I sure have been liking it.

Hugs,
Hops
 

[sKePTiKal]

Hops - I see the absolute cause & effect of the patio and SAD light on your mood & ability to focus. It IS a form of self-care. Self-care of any kind (good food, tidy house, gifts to yourself) can lead to establishing a more permanent kind or level of positive outlook... creates a positive feedback loop.

Self-care starts out palliative, a lot of times. Then, it shifts down deeper into habit & lifestyle. It doesn't matter what helps or how silly it seems - if it WORKS and HELPS it's useful.

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Amber.
That's very solid support for just seeing and trusting the reality of new circuits, new habits...and how they all synergize.

I hope to keep it up!

And we've finally had rain. Just the air feels gentle and comforting now. I never really mind humidity and love grayer days.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Could be a bit of a placebo. The SAD light thing. idk

Read a while back that placebo is connected to genes. Some people have a placebo gene component and some people do not.

Whatever works.

[Hopalong]

In my case anyway, the response is so strong and obvious, it'd be mighty hard to read as placebo.

I respect the studies that show brains actually respond powerfully to light or its lack (as well as nutrients, all sorts of stuff). There's a lot of neuroscience behind this. I was amazed to also learn there's a subvariant of SAD that hits in spring, or even all the time (moi). My circadian rhythm has been severely off for a very long time (all-night insomnia, for example) but I remember it also from early childhood. Quirky brain. I'm so grateful there's a physical, nondrug solution for me. (SAD lights have been shown equally effective to SSRIs for some.)

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/seasonal-affective-disorder-bring-on-the-light-201212215663

In a nutshell, it reduces depression by reducing vigilance. Fascinating.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-internet-brain/202111/the-neuroscience-light-therapy

[Meh]

Coolio Hops.

Whatever works.

I live in a downstairs section of a house, nice and cool during the summer but pretty much too dark all the time. I'm sure it doesn't help one's mood.

Recently all of a sudden doctors are saying that 'depression' is not because of brain chemistry issues exactly. I think it stinks of the whole pharma industry or whatever.

Anyhow media people are making a deal about it. There are a lot of news reports right now like this one because of "a study."

But also it's kinda weird that people are framing it as some far-right political thing. Everything now I guess is put through some polarized narratives.

https://nypost.com/2022/07/28/do-antidepressants-really-help-depression/

Every once in a while I get more energy than normal. I will go out for a long power walk or something. It's kinda rare for me though to feel like doing much these days.

[Meh]

What is sort of shocking to me is that I've spoken to people who have problems but low-energy isn't something everybody experiences.

Like I know a guy who was explaining his binge eating to me something I've never dealt with. So he has like this extremely strict meal plan routine.