mental health

[Hopalong]

I think it's like a specific recipe can work for a specific individual.
No idea if the light would work for all, I'm just pretty sure it works better than SSRIs for me. I was hoping never to need to take them again because I hated the side effects. But some people don't feel them or aren't bothered by them. Glad they're one thing in the toolbox. Wish I could send you a good SAD light, Mouse.

I've been bingeing carbs some lately too, so something's going on. Too early for the outdoor light to be changing drastically, although apparently some brains react to the SMALL changes after the solstice. Whew.

And exercise. I've got to re-start from below scratch and have been putting it off. More things hurt (naturally) than they did a few years ago.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Also, sometimes we don't know how much something is impacting us. Lots of things can seem subtle but not be.

Light, food, sleep, social activity and so on.

[Hopalong]

Exactly.

I need to program each of these things, as juggling them does overwhelm my brain. So much that I default to paralysis and neglect almost all of them.

I need to start thinking of my ADD as a uniqueness and plan for it pragmatically, instead of using it as an excuse.

[Hopalong]

What I've been doing with my T (for four years) has been rapidly (and usually anxiously) narrating "what's been happening since last time" while she responds at her natural pace, searching for words with lengthy pauses, which I find excruciating. I've been feeling stuck lately, but I'm trying to meet her where she is. I think she's given up saying much, suggesting much, or reacting much other than a very empathetic expression and brief responses like "That's good, right?" or "That's important", etc. I KNOW she means well.

Lately I've been thinking about whether we're a good fit, especially when my chronic issues don't seem to budge much (the ADD-disorder, etc, though I got through leaving M, which was a big step, with her strong support and tacit encouragement). She also shared that she has ADD herself, which felt great but also makes me wonder what effect it has in sessions. I'm not sure.

I decided to try to be more emotionally open, which I've sensed has frustrated her. I've often felt uncomfortable at how very close she gets (even on Zoom, she's way too close in for my sense of personal space.) So yesterday I just shared that briefly, and then went into a good bit of detail how deeply sad I can get, and why. She knows the outlines of lost D, fears of older age, and loneliness. But I said more about it and had a pretty naked face/expression.

Early in the session she'd started venting some about the lack of mental health resources in our area, especially "we don't have enough psychiatrists." I had asked about the possibility of a support group. She just looked negative. I mentioned a large psychology practice that I know includes group therapy and she (looking reluctant) said, well I suppose I could email him to ask. I felt, why such a low-energy reaction to me needing more or different help? I wondered if she resented my implication that our pace/processing (she's told me hers is slow) might not be working. So maybe she felt defensive. I honestly don't know.

Anyway, then she said, "Are you suicidal?" I'd expressed a lot of sadness and why, but never suggested I had any active interest in suicide, though I'm entirely willing to talk about it as a possibility if I become helpless one day and have the chance. That's an elder issue that a lot of people think about and I'll go past any taboo in conversation. Personally, I'm not sure I'd carry it out anyway. And that's it. But it hasn't been a theme for me or anything I've brought up with her.

My reaction was to feel upset and even a trace paranoid last night, reflecting back on the session. I am wondering if she's tiring of me and feeling frustrated that her very soft, slow style isn't bringing breakthroughs. It's what I'm trying to address and change, but her abrupt question felt to me like a kind of shortcut, or "checking off a professional box" when I didn't think I'd said anything to justify it.

I'll talk about it with her next time, but am thinking it might be time to go back to the Sikh. I fear the change because she does feel safe to me, and he may be in another lane entirely, or obvlivious to some of my issues because he's male and in a very different identity than most Ts I've known. But part of me wonders if that might be good for me, overall.

Thanks for listening. Trying to digest and process a lot of stuff. A good problem. Comments welcome, and advice too.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops, you have choices about what you'll do with your therapy and therapists.

Maybe don't schedule your next appointment with your current T after the next session or cancel the next appt and say you;ll reschedule when you have the next date in mind.

Continue seeing your therapist and make an appointment with the Sikh or see him instead of your regular appointment with the other T, but feel free to feel whatever you feel and let it be OK.

Your willingness to heal.... to surrender your protective parts in order to find and explore your wounded and vulerable parts is admirable and I hope you find a way to do that, no matter which Therapist holds your gaze while you do the work.

BTW, I've scared myself quite a bit with the things I've felt and said in sessions with my current T and she's never
even
flinched.

She's held my gaze while reflecting back my goodness.....my grace and she gently directs me back to the mission.... to the goal I set wtih her and she's never frustrated or short or jjudgy or anything but compassionate and straight up present.  Available, vulnerable and willing to allow me to be my most vulnerable.

Actually.... it feels more like she's grateful I'm willing to make the obligatory ugly crying faces.  She's...... authentic and it's clear helping her clients learn to reset their brains and heal themselves is her calling.

No fear.  No ego.

Just radiant patience and all the compassion in the world shining through her eyes.  Sometimes I'm brought to tears, meeting her gaze..... and that's not something I've ever experienced with a T or another human being, if I'm being honest.  She meets me where I am bc her T meets her where she is, imo.

[Meh]

Hi Hops,

I read what you wrote there.

Read it earlier and then came back to it. Sometimes I read things but don't write any response.

You are questioning if you want to continue with the therapist of 4 years or do something else.

[sKePTiKal]

Wacky Life Theorist (and part-time absurdist) response:

Feelings pass, are let go - when they're replaced with something else in your attention. "Healing" may very well consist of feeling something else, intensely, instead. Or otherwise occupying yourself with tasks that require your focus and attention.

Feelings AREN'T the end all, be all of authenticity. If humans were meant to be 100% "authentically" JUST their feelings - why do we develop a frontal cortex? It's how we choose to act and behave on our feelings that is the "magic" of being human.

Every person has a different comfort zone "balance" of thinking & feeling that is their experience of being alive and real; valuable and useful. What is comfortable for Ben, doesn't work at all for Betty - and individuality /spirit /DNA? - all help determine what that comfort zone is.

If "Happiness 24/7/365" was a real thing; achievable; no one would be motivated to creativity, or mind-numbingly difficult physical repetitve tasks. Chasing happiness, IMO, is one of the ways modern culture has gone off the rails. Oftentimes, I've lied to myself that feeling happy was all that mattered to me. And I'd go to extremes to try to find it - failing spectacularly. When, in truth, what it was - was I simply needed to appreciate and be grateful for all the things that are "just right" (for me) in my universe.

Sadness has a value too. It's a worthy emotion. But, at this point, I think I've come to the conclusion that the whole point of therapy - most kinds anyway - is to help people not BE STUCK - feeling just that one emotion ALL THE DAMN TIME. We're all going to have times when we touch base with our inner darkness. We're going to spend an undefined amount of time with all of them - comfortable feeling or not - and it's my experience (now) that we can spend enough time with those uncomfortable feelings until they pass naturally to something else and resume pursuing the goals or projects that were interrupted momentarily. Sometimes - it's a LONG time till it passes. But that's OK; it's what needed.

I hit a point in my grieving process (and juggling massive anger too) over Mike, where I was just SOOOOOOOoooo damn tired of crying, I just didn't want to do that anymore. And that's when I got my ass in gear to start purging the bulk of the Mike space-taker-uppers, dust collectors, and things I conceded letting him have because it filled some empty space for him. In him. Then, I found & bought the farm.    I didn't force it; I stayed with the grief till it shifted, let it shift through all the other things - till moving day saw me loading Mio-Mio into the car to make the last drive up here at sunset. We pulled in about 10 pm; in the dark; with a handful of unfamiliar keys.

Hops, I know you don't do well with solitude for extended periods of time. You perhaps could try to find a small group of friends nearby, to socialize with - singly or in groups. It doesn't have to become a mutual aid society or a daily practice but it would do you good, I think, to look in on some peeps you care about and not have so much time dedicated to sorting your own mess out. A small balance change at first; baby steps - might be enough change to replace attention to specific feelings that are stubbornly hanging around.

I accept that you're more emotionally oriented (as a poet) than the majority of people, including me. Your comfortable balance is gonna be different than a lot of people's. It's what floats YOUR boat, that's important and you'll need to engage your attention and perceptiveness in tiny refinements until you find what works for you. Your "recipe" for a contented life is a one-off; no two are exactly the same.

I need to run & make breakfast and then I'm sorting out a lot of studio crap. Getting it arranged & set up with the intent of starting to MAKE some things - pretties, utility items, dunno what all yet. I might even lose the urge to work out there. But it'll be ready & waiting (and CLEAN) for me to "play" should I have time & choose to do so.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Amber. I like your reminder that DOING is healing. I know it is; there it is. I need to motivate myself to pour love on my little home for myself. I tend to think -- oh what difference does it make, nobody's coming over. Kinds of stupidities.

I really don't cry much. The first few years of the no-child/no-family situation I'd open up like a firehose now and then. But it's been 10 years now and I rarely shed a tear. (To a fault, I think.) What I think I did was let the loss settle into my skeleton so it became part of me. A part I accept though I do talk about it with friends at times when it aches or when I get afraid of the long road ahead. I think I am blocked and have a lot of pent-up tears that my body turns into fear and chest stuff. Maybe I should encourage myself to have a weep-date with myself now and then. I've just dried up, kinda. My eyes get damp now and then, but no spillover.

For me, activity will heal a lot of it. But there's an ocean of ache for deeper connection and love. I know women friends love me and I had two (from the covenant group) over last evening for patio yak and it was lovely. I'm still not hugging, nor are they (one's had covid) and they're dears I'm grateful for, but. It's not the level of intimacy I yearn for (with a man). Even a mind connection is underwhelming with most of my women friends, oddly. My T said, "You need more love in your life" and there it is. I'm touch-starved, too. Pandemic didn't help.

I might be having coffee with a friendly retired railroad engineer. Saw his big-smile pic and wrote him. He lives 45 minutes away. Just seems like a happy, active guy who's obsessed with trains. Smart, not snobby. He went to Maine to a John Bonamassa concert so I looked that guy up and WOW. We might meet next week.

Mouse, thank you. You got it and it helped to read it restated simply. There it is.

Lighter, that really helped, your portrait of your T's presence and empathy. I think I kind of yearn for the Sikh and fear going back to him. I think I yearn for some male energy while fearing men. Or picking the wrong one, over and over.

I just don't know where things are with present T. She's kind and well intentioned but I wonder if she's as frustrated with me as I sometimes feel with her. I think she'd love it if I broke down crying but there's something in her way of reacting that can put me off. I believe empathy is completely genuine on her part but in some way I think her halting speech is scary to me -- can we ever ever connect without her slo-mo search for the next word, which is often so underwhelming when it comes I just feel flattened and give up. It's not her fault in the slightest.

Thanks so much, all-a y'all, for hearing all that and responding. YOU make a huge difference in my life. And my mental health.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

If you feel funny about taking a break with your T....maybe her ego is involved in that process.

Maybe you're worried about hurting her feelings when she wouldn't be hurt at all.

Maybe you worry you'll lose your regular appointment, something that happened to me,but ended up with my finding a much better regular appointment.

I don;t understsand the halting speech from your T. 

My T usually is repeating back to me and writing down what I'm saying bc we're about to do a session around the upsetting feelings I'm having.  I don't need her to respond.  She's already doing the work of guiding me to process the trauma.... what is there to say besides asking me if I'm comfortable doing EMDR, or pushing on a wall or AIT or ART therapy?  There's never just sitting and if there is, it's me talkng about stuff that isn't a poblem for me.... and it's time for a break. 

We're going to process the trauma OUT of my brain and body.  She's teaching me to do it for myself,which is amazing and so obvious to me now.

If there;s a theme song in my T's office it's Lets Get Down To Business..... truly.  She's as up for it and I can see in her eyes, she's there FOR THAT.  Simple chats are enjoyable.  We have them, but they're the beginning of a break OR deciding what we're going to work on next.  Chatting isn't the T.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, that's really helpful. Thank you.

I don't think I can make it her responsibility that we're not working together as you describe. I've had such fear located in my body that things like reprocessing trauma trigger SOB or chest pain, and I rely on narrative instead. It's not just "chatting" but for me, it helps simply to keep telling the story or the recent story until something in my mind/heart shifts and I have a new insight. Insight is all, for me.

I think it might just be personality stuff. She is patient and empathetic, but the pace thing really is an issue. I don't need a speed freak talker, but her responses are so labored and effortful that I get subtly triggered. Dunno what it is. Maybe she's having processing struggles in some way I don't understand, or maybe it's how her own ADD functions, who knows? I don't think I need to know the why, but just try to assess how "stuck" it is.

And also challenge myself. To take more pauses, to listen more calmly while she finds a word. Hmmm.

As I think of it now, I think I'm backing off the idea of seeing Sikh again. The reason is, when I'm strong and fighting and being a warrior for myself, I can talk to anyone and hold my own. But I have enough fear of males (and his religious stuff, even though he says it won't apply) that it might not be the best move.

But that's how I feel today.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I'm sure you'll figure out the best way to handle the therapy questions for yourself, Hops.

Your insights might lead you anywhere with regard to therapy and your needs. 

I explain my understanding and experience and you explain yours.  It's all good.

Lighter; )

[Hopalong]

Yup, all good.
Thanks for the support, Lighter.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

: )

[sKePTiKal]

HUH. That description leads me to wonder IF, perhaps - you keep talking to disguise the fear in your body and IF perhaps, the fear is because you can't know the reason for her prolonged silences. Giving away one's feeling of fear is almost at a level of threat to inner children - the more invisible one is, the "safer" one perceives one is.

I hope that kinda makes sense. Maybe it doesn't apply in your situation. I know I had a big struggle to feel comfortable in my own skin (regardless of what was going on in my environment) because I didn't really trust myself to keep myself safe. I faked it a lot for my job; and once I saw that it opened up the possibility of seeing that I could apply it in other situations. AND, FYI, that's still a work in progress. There are a lot more situations now, that I can navigate more comfortably... but I still let my intuition remove me from some place/people that don't "feel right".

All speculation in your situation, of course. Wash it out of your hair, if it doesn't apply.

[Hopalong]

That's an interesting suggestion, Amber. Thanks.
I definitely do feel some anxiety about her pace. Laborious searches for words.
Sometimes it's because I don't have a lot of faith that she'll say anything insightful.
Sometimes because I worry that I've got a lot pent up and the time will expire.

But yup, anxiety = fear. I'll sit with it next time and try to share what's happening in the moment with her. Kindly. I've mentioned "pace" only a couple times and she's replied, I know, my processing speed is slow.

I'm also anxious about what it'd be like to leave her. The regular appts with her have eased the struggle of dealing with winter isolation, which I dread but can't change yet for me.

hugs
Hops