Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
mental health
Phyll:
Hops,
So sorry to hear of your struggle. Sounds like you know the pattern well.
I was 12 years clean and sober before I agreed to take an antidepressant. My first sponsor took massive doses, went off the deep end and got 53 ECT treatments, bucket loads of meds, gained 300 extra pounds and died at the age of 43. Anyway, I was convinced that was not me. I must say the Lexapro (Escitalopram) has very few side effects (compared to other SSRIs) and helped my anxiety too.
Keep writing us, stay open, ask for help and hang in there.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Phyll. I appreciate this wisdom.
That is terribly tragic and also strange, what happened to your first sponsor.
Did he just misunderstand instructions or was it a suicide attempt? I can't imagine taking a fistful of an SSRI. Either way, what an awful cascade of disaster he went through. Horrible.
I can't imagine either the impact on a newbie, recovering, when her sponsor derailed that way. It's remarkable what you've been through and the strength you found to become sober and stay that way. Bravo.
I'm a little better though my lungs aren't back to normal yet. Got another wakeup call the other day when I took a two-block slow-old-lady walk with a neighbor and when I got back I was so exhausted my legs nearly gave out and I immediately collapsed into a nap.
Friends keep thinking I'm exaggerating when I talk about how deeply, severely deconditioned I am. Because I don't look overweight and emit happy energy whenever I see somebody, maybe they just don't realize how a healthy-LOOKING person could be in bad shape.
Anyway, I needed that to happen. Back to the Do It Anyway philosophy Amber was talking about. When anxiety's running, I have to remember to celebrate every small accomplishment. If I walk just ONE block today, that'll be better than not.
I can't go on another year letting my neuroses keep me sedentary.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hops - look around pls for a tai chi class with a certified instructor. Don't let the long form discourage you! A good school teaches only 2-3 moves per week - and the movement is v e r y SLOW. There is accomodation for strength, balance, and physical limitations -- and you can STILL gain the stamina improvements by sticking with it long enough to learn the whole 103 position long form.
Seriously useful help - even if it doesn't seem like it - specifically for you to get your energy, stength & stamina back.
Most schools have a little social interaction too, and especially during the winter that can be helpful with those isolation issues.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber. When I took tai ji the instructor was great. His bio: He was "a student of the Three Emperors style of martial arts taught by Wang Zhenhua, a former coach at Beijing University. The local program was initiated by Mr. Wang’s student, a resident recognized by the Chinese government as an expert in Chinese health practices. Lei Xilai, an instructor who came to the states from the Beijing area, taught advanced classes [here] and introduced new forms to the class. The current instructor has taught for 12 years and is a student of Lei and Alton."
Dunno if that means certified, but he knows his stuff. And he's very likeable. His day job is as a journalist.
That said, with my double slipped disks and general lack of coordination, it wasn't for me. Frustratingly, because I wanted to learn it and do well. The classes were also early in the morning, when I'm subhuman. So alas, that's a no go. Good idea though. My social focus will be more on writers and church stuff, I think. Maybe a date or two when the website coughs up somebody.
If I ever told this story, I once nearly knocked over a whole line of line dancers like dominos because I always went the wrong way. Familiar feeling. I'm not upset about it, though I do know that formal structured exercise always backfires for me. I just need to WALK and ride my RECUMBENT -- both of which I can solo if I fire myself up to get to it. Neither triggers the sciatica that yoga and Tai Ji did.
But THANK YOU for thinking about this, Amber. For something to reduce stress and confer better control of the body...that was a really really GOOD idea. I'm just mad at myself for not being a good candidate for it.
hugs
Hops
Phyll:
Hops - I hope you aren't beating yourself up for having slipped disks? I am not equipped for Yoga either, but I admire those who do. I took a Chi Kong class once years ago. I chuckle of the image you describe on knocking over other dancers like dominos!
My 1st sponsor was okay for the first 6 years of recovery, although I had outgrown her before then. It took her 5 years to kill her self with psychiatry. I was 12 years sober when she died. I knew there was trouble when her counselor called me and asked that I meet her at her house so she could pack a bag for an inpatient stay at the psychiatric hospital. She admitted to drinking Nyquil. She tried to blow me off so she could buy alcohol but I stuck to the agreement and accompanied her to the hospital. She was one of those natural beauties - looked like Ali McGraw. It was so sad.
The first SSRI I was on was called Serzone. I think they since took it off the market. It gave me horrible cotton mouth. While on chemotherapy I would get so dehydrated that the levels of serotonin got too concentrated in my system and I had some hallucinations. I saw trails and the bathroom light behind the louvered door in my hospital room appeared to pulsate. I also saw people's auras. Kind of freaked me out at the time and I wondered if the cancer spread to my brain.
All in all it was good I had the medication a couple months before getting diagnosed with breast cancer. I was better able to cope with that than I would have been otherwise.
Your description of the "two-block slow-old-lady walk" reminded me of those chemo days when all I could manage was a one block walk with my dog, Miss Jessie. She was okay with it though. I started calling her "Miss" Jessie when I started dating this man whose name was Jesse. :D
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