Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
mental health
lighter:
Well done, Hops. Finding your balance, while others flail, is so powerful and makes you a more responsive listener/ friend/ support.
Getting dragged into your friend's reactivity with her doesn't help her and harms you, ime.
When your poet friend decides she wants something else..... she'll be able to release
unrealistic expectations around her marriage. It sounds like all her angst hinges on her struggle to accept what is, which I realize creates most of my angst.
So, ya......ask your friend what she intends to do about whatever she's complaining about....then listen.
Maybe you'll provide a new empowering perspective enough times for her to SEE she has the ability to choose learned helplessness OR something new and better for herself.
Sometimes one doesn't understand they're stuck in a trance until something shifts .... something new and unexpected, IME.
I can't listen to any gossip or the same complaints over and over without calling the speaker on it.....with more or less compassion or gangster compassion .... depending on how easily dismissed my words will be. Sometimes gangster/ plain talk for me, that is. ...is necessary.
If I care enough to listen then I likely want to help. Helping people see something new, they haven't been able to see before, is my new very short line in the sand....then I release expectation. It's all good, but I notice negative patterns repeat less frequently around me. People are listening more and ignoring me less. They do research and want to discuss it.
Currently I'm working on being patient with those who ignored or tortured me over healthier food choices when I was struggling.....and now want my help making better choices, finding better options at the store, with recipes, etc.
When I was trying to do it first r them I was dismissed and punished.
When I turned to my business they decided they were interested.
Dropping expectations sometimes makes it possible for people to HEAR us where expectations made it impossible before, IME.
Ask poet what she'll do to get herself out of her unhappy situation then leave it there....where it belongs. Nothing to do with you or your hope or cares.....but with her.
Sometimes modeling self care is the kindest and most helpful thing we can do for those who've never learned how, IME.
Maybe that's what "mind your own business" really means? Tend to oneself, cultivate positive uplifting things and relationships....steer them up, don't stay in the negative space...... Don't demand they leave it.
Show them how.
I hope that makes sense. I'll edit later.
Lighter
Hopalong:
No need to edit, that makes perfect sense.
I am clear now and feel relieved.
I may need to figure out the right response when the next cycle starts. Last time we talked I mentioned that I can get distressed and feel quite upset for a while after she describes an anguishing argument with him, or the cruel things he says.
But her last comment was just rationalizing it all as "Celtic temperament." They fight, argue and she almost depicted it as cute, an old Scottish couple "blethering." Not even the actual meaning of "blethering" but I think it's giving her a survivable narrative to think of it that way. She is utterly unable to face the idea of leaving, and that's her right. Though it's sad to me. That's my problem.
I'm really a little fed up (with myself) and want to remain compassionate but not hooked into the cycle of denial with her. Ultimately, it just makes me sad. For her. And indirectly, him too.
Anyhow, NOT MY BUSINESS. Thanks for the reminder to tend to my own. I've got plenty of work to do right here.
hugs
Hops
PS They are not married, though they had a "commitment ceremony" quite early in their relationship. I attended, wrote a poem for them, but remember thinking that it felt premature (nice party, though). The house is in her name and their finances are separated. So, to extricate herself, she'd really just have to require him to leave. They just moved to her daughter's state and he's enjoyed having a family (his Dtr is in France and his felon son in rehab, and all they want from him is his money). But in basic terms, he would have to move out or move on. It won't end otherwise and I've stopped imagining it will. She says, if she lost him she'd be very very sad. I believe her -- one can love an abusive mate. But to me she's living in constant sadness and has signed over her future. He's likely to die first. Then she'll be alone anyway, but with family support, which makes a huge difference. She's just not interested in serious therapy or changing the relationship so I'm OUT of the advice business. My job is only to learn how to listen without internalizing it all.
It's not my pebble. My nose needs a rest. LOL.
lighter:
Nose off pebble, Hops, yup yup 👍
It does come and go.
Light
Hopalong:
Instead of going all grievey over the holiday this time, I lolled in with a really interesting young YouTube counselor all morning who captivated me despite his background (way more Xian-conservative than I'm comfy with) -- he was SO compassionate with callers.
Then I had 4 friends over who hadn't seen Nanette or ever heard of Hannah Gadsby. It was SOOOO nice to have my back room full of talk and wine and laughter again, and even Pooch looked like the color had returned to her cheeks (if you could see beneath the fur). Plus, the conversation after the show was soooo satisfying.
I had windows open, ceiling fan blowing, and we all put on our masks when we weren't in our seats. Felt very safe and very joyful.
Gave my crows a handful of pistachios someone left. Happy Easter all around!
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I really enjoyed your holiday post, Hops. So much: )
Lighter
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