Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
mental health
Hopalong:
Big happy at you, Lighter.
How did yours go?
hugs
Hops
PS On the basis of how Sunday went, we decided to form a monthly FFFFF group:
Funny Fantastic Feminist Film Fridays. My dear 80 y/o brought her lovely adult
daughter and next time wants to bring them both, so we'll be six. SO nice to
mix up the ages! Both lovely, smart and accomplished. Tight fit for safe social distancing, but we'll manage. I may have to haul the sofa and armchairs around
but I'll make 'em help. I don't want to try to cook so we'll do a snackpalooza.
around. They were super pleased with my sound system and spanikopita.
Hopalong:
Lots of anxiety today because I have zero energy and have gotten stressed out with the two-pooches change (though I looooove her). Woke up at 330 and haven't slept again since, so quite tired. Potty training is a challenge, she's clearly mostly chihuahua and they have a rep for being difficult to train, and at 5 y/o it's more of a challenge. So lots of accidents. I left a big pot in the sink with water running and was focusing so hard on her I forgot it, came back to an overflowing sink and lake on CORK floor (which hates being soaked). Cleaning it up took heavy rug-lugging and towel shoveling and running laundry.
The deal is, I am quite weak (from the deconditioning or who knows what, so I'm scared about the heart test) and lightheaded-with-SOB every time I bend down to do anything, if I'm honest. I'm always gripping counters and walls to steady myself.
What a ninny. Feels better just to say it. I DO believe in regeneration but am just feeling alone and anxious. It'll pass, just helps a lot to write it here. Thanks.
Also, I've recognized that 3 glasses of wine every afternoon is blatant self-medicating, and if not alcoholic, definitely a new and unhealthy habit I grew into over the last two years of isolation. Talking about it with my T some, but shit.
Thanks for reading, y'all.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I've had wet floors....3 stories of them from overflowing tub. I just had to laugh or would have gone crazy.
Be kind to yourself, Hops. You're getting stronger the more you move and lift and tote. Are you hydrating?
Banish the fear, if you can, and consider blocking off an area
With pee pads for new pooch. My brother has a little pen he puts his older dog in when he's not right with her..... she's a sneaky inside pee er. Limit the chaos as you can and don't beat yourself up about the wine.
Switch to 2 glasses or 1 if you're ready to make a change, but enjoy the wine if you're having it.
So sorry the cork floor got wet. You didn't need that.
Lighter
Hopalong:
It's amazing how much dog pee (in the right place) can do for one's mental health.
In my frazzlement, I'd completely forgotten two important training tools:
--She can sleep in her carrier all night long, won't soil it. Tried it, took her outside as soon as I woke up and gently plonked her over her last pee-spot in the grass and mirabile dictu! A widdle whizz!
--I can set a recurring alarm on my cell phone to remind me to keep refocusing and carrying her outdoors again. Done. Two-hour intervals now, but hope to gradually increase them as she becomes stronger.
I think she does already get the general idea, or wants to "do it right" but I hadn't made it easy enough. When she does have accidents, they're always right near the door. If the poor thing could get out there on her own she would, I think. (I don't let her use the big dog door as Pooch does, because the yard's big and there are owls/hawks -- she'd be good for a midnight snack.) So it's my responsibility to help her with the crate at night and clockwork schedule during the day. I think it might all work if I'm just consistent for a few months.
I'd like to encourage her to bark by the door to let me know it's out time, but dunno if that'll happen. I've heard one little yap-woo in 5 days, but she's still adapting. To a lot.
I feel more patient today with her and with myself, and my anxiety has dropped some. (Also narrated a whole lot about the health fears to poet friend, blesserheart, and we'll be on Zoom together in a poetry workshop tonight. Great distraction from head jammed into navel.)
I even wrote a new poem for the first time in months. Simple one, but I like it.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Delivered Newpooch back to the SPCA this morning. Sat and cried in the parking lot (after doing it with the kind receptionist). I was just trying to get out how all she needs is for anyone with her to be extremely GENTLE and I broke down a bit. No hysterics, but wow.
I'm okay. Still clear it was right -- for me. I'm just worried about her but need to have faith in another person who'll be unfazed by pee pads and doggie diapers and taking her out multiple times a day even when it's freezing. I could have chosen that route for a decade+ by keeping her but am sure it would've been more than I should take on for this chapter. I'm already fighting the ADD to get organized, focus is a struggle and so is adequate sleep. So back to peaceful, low-maintenance routines with Pooch, who is contented and independent.
I realized talking to my T that unconsciously I identified with Newpooch. All the trauma she's been through, and abandonment. That helped me understand why it was hard to maintain detached distance and within a few days, we were bonded and love was flowing both ways. That process was a healing joy with Pooch and still is, so it isn't bad to feel grief today, just helps to understand it more.
It was SO hard to leave Newpooch there; I could feel her trembling through the carrier. But ours is a stellar, no-kill SPCA, and I feel confident she'll be treated well.
When the time is right I'll do it again; fostering felt good. Fattened her up and got her safe. A later time, hoping to "foster fail" -- I'll be more careful about answering the call, though. I think what I'll need is a 10-15 pound dog who's 8-12 years old and ready to relax -- and I should stick to that. A 5 y/o small breed is super active.
I don't know whether an "overlap dog" is a good idea, now that I realize my fantasies of them bonding and snuggling were just that -- fantasies. I can wait.
Thanks for listening.
hugs
Hops
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