Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

mental health

<< < (19/26) > >>

Hopalong:
I think it's like a specific recipe can work for a specific individual.
No idea if the light would work for all, I'm just pretty sure it works better than SSRIs for me. I was hoping never to need to take them again because I hated the side effects. But some people don't feel them or aren't bothered by them. Glad they're one thing in the toolbox. Wish I could send you a good SAD light, Mouse.

I've been bingeing carbs some lately too, so something's going on. Too early for the outdoor light to be changing drastically, although apparently some brains react to the SMALL changes after the solstice. Whew.

And exercise. I've got to re-start from below scratch and have been putting it off. More things hurt (naturally) than they did a few years ago.

hugs
Hops

Meh:

Also, sometimes we don't know how much something is impacting us. Lots of things can seem subtle but not be.

Light, food, sleep, social activity and so on.

Hopalong:
Exactly.

I need to program each of these things, as juggling them does overwhelm my brain. So much that I default to paralysis and neglect almost all of them.

I need to start thinking of my ADD as a uniqueness and plan for it pragmatically, instead of using it as an excuse.

Hopalong:
What I've been doing with my T (for four years) has been rapidly (and usually anxiously) narrating "what's been happening since last time" while she responds at her natural pace, searching for words with lengthy pauses, which I find excruciating. I've been feeling stuck lately, but I'm trying to meet her where she is. I think she's given up saying much, suggesting much, or reacting much other than a very empathetic expression and brief responses like "That's good, right?" or "That's important", etc. I KNOW she means well.

Lately I've been thinking about whether we're a good fit, especially when my chronic issues don't seem to budge much (the ADD-disorder, etc, though I got through leaving M, which was a big step, with her strong support and tacit encouragement). She also shared that she has ADD herself, which felt great but also makes me wonder what effect it has in sessions. I'm not sure.

I decided to try to be more emotionally open, which I've sensed has frustrated her. I've often felt uncomfortable at how very close she gets (even on Zoom, she's way too close in for my sense of personal space.) So yesterday I just shared that briefly, and then went into a good bit of detail how deeply sad I can get, and why. She knows the outlines of lost D, fears of older age, and loneliness. But I said more about it and had a pretty naked face/expression.

Early in the session she'd started venting some about the lack of mental health resources in our area, especially "we don't have enough psychiatrists." I had asked about the possibility of a support group. She just looked negative. I mentioned a large psychology practice that I know includes group therapy and she (looking reluctant) said, well I suppose I could email him to ask. I felt, why such a low-energy reaction to me needing more or different help? I wondered if she resented my implication that our pace/processing (she's told me hers is slow) might not be working. So maybe she felt defensive. I honestly don't know.

Anyway, then she said, "Are you suicidal?" I'd expressed a lot of sadness and why, but never suggested I had any active interest in suicide, though I'm entirely willing to talk about it as a possibility if I become helpless one day and have the chance. That's an elder issue that a lot of people think about and I'll go past any taboo in conversation. Personally, I'm not sure I'd carry it out anyway. And that's it. But it hasn't been a theme for me or anything I've brought up with her.

My reaction was to feel upset and even a trace paranoid last night, reflecting back on the session. I am wondering if she's tiring of me and feeling frustrated that her very soft, slow style isn't bringing breakthroughs. It's what I'm trying to address and change, but her abrupt question felt to me like a kind of shortcut, or "checking off a professional box" when I didn't think I'd said anything to justify it.

I'll talk about it with her next time, but am thinking it might be time to go back to the Sikh. I fear the change because she does feel safe to me, and he may be in another lane entirely, or obvlivious to some of my issues because he's male and in a very different identity than most Ts I've known. But part of me wonders if that might be good for me, overall.

Thanks for listening. Trying to digest and process a lot of stuff. A good problem. Comments welcome, and advice too.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Hops, you have choices about what you'll do with your therapy and therapists.

Maybe don't schedule your next appointment with your current T after the next session or cancel the next appt and say you;ll reschedule when you have the next date in mind.

Continue seeing your therapist and make an appointment with the Sikh or see him instead of your regular appointment with the other T, but feel free to feel whatever you feel and let it be OK.

Your willingness to heal.... to surrender your protective parts in order to find and explore your wounded and vulerable parts is admirable and I hope you find a way to do that, no matter which Therapist holds your gaze while you do the work.

BTW, I've scared myself quite a bit with the things I've felt and said in sessions with my current T and she's never
even
flinched.

She's held my gaze while reflecting back my goodness.....my grace and she gently directs me back to the mission.... to the goal I set wtih her and she's never frustrated or short or jjudgy or anything but compassionate and straight up present.  Available, vulnerable and willing to allow me to be my most vulnerable.

Actually.... it feels more like she's grateful I'm willing to make the obligatory ugly crying faces.  She's...... authentic and it's clear helping her clients learn to reset their brains and heal themselves is her calling.

No fear.  No ego.

Just radiant patience and all the compassion in the world shining through her eyes.  Sometimes I'm brought to tears, meeting her gaze..... and that's not something I've ever experienced with a T or another human being, if I'm being honest.  She meets me where I am bc her T meets her where she is, imo.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page