No need to read it, it's a long boring rant about minutiae. I'm going to write this and go for a walk later if it doesn't rain.
Was at my mother's house. I'm actually stuck in this area without transportation. My mother had said she was going to take me to car dealers which are quite a ways away, like truly a bit away because I'm not in the city right now. And of course it never really happens, it's always some kind of neglect situation where my needs are less-than everybody elses. And pointing out something like that causes her to go into RAGE and ATTACK mode.
Anyhow, I'm just writing this for my own benefit even if it's repeated. I guess I will REPEAT the same thing for as long as it's STILL an issue. I will just repeat the same thing because nothing has ever changed, there have been no improvements really.
So I was at her house, the next door neighbor came over and we were sitting at the dinner table. I was having a cup of tea and listening to the neighbor. At some point I said something, maybe I won't repeat it here, I said something about current events which is on my mind due to having had too much time to read about it I suppose. What else does a person do during chit chat then to talk about current events. Well, I didn't make any personal attacks or accusations but it's a socially contentious issue though really I wasn't thinking about it so much as being contentious, anyhow I mentioned something and the neighbor looked at me and she snapped in a very emotionally reactive way, she said "Oh, you're wrong." Which is fine she can say I'm wrong all she wants but frankly I feel that SHE was being rude as it was obvious she just wanted to SHUT ME DOWN. She didn't explain or back up her position, she just got ANGRY, she didn't want me to speak, how dare I speak or exist or have thoughts. But she was pissed off. I asked her a simple question about the issue after she said I was wrong and she just looked at me wide-eyed she clearly was likely programmed to be reactive but she really didn't seem to even have anything to say about it. She had no REASONING for why or how I was wrong. None. Zero.
Of course my narcissistic mother loves the opportunity to gang up against me, so my bitch of a mother has used this as an opportunity to blame me for breathing/existing/talking because she would have preferred if she had given birth to a lump of gold that she could cash in. And her husband who is usually mostly silent had something rude to say to me in that moment as well. In theory, my mother and her husband don't actually agree with the neighbor's stance, but it's not about that. It's about me talking and existing, and the neighbor being angry. And ultimately the neighbor's feelings, thoughts and opinions and existence being more signficant that me existing and taking up space. So this is more sadistic training to take up as little space as possible, no physical space, no space where one's voice exists, no space where one's needs exist. I am to not exist is the secret rule.
Now, I was not being rude. I just said something which unbeknownst to me made the neighbor reactive BUT I was BLAMED for her reacting and for her storming off.
But of course here is the other part of it... within the family of origin which I came from I somehow am often invisible or mostly ignored, they really would like it if I were dead. Mostly I am expected to not speak, to be silent. Now, I think that is abuse, I think it's abuse that no matter how old I am, I am put into this roll of some mute-dead child. I am talked down to in a nasty way... I am blamed for things which are not my fault.
It's totally not my fault that the neighbor has a specific disposition about current events which causes her to freak out and close her ears up because heaven forbid she hear something that she can't deal with which actually has nothing to do with her personally but then again I don't consume the news she does so I'm not affectively programmed the way she is. She left in a huff, stormed off back across the street. Dumb cunt. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of being blamed for every fucking thing.
I probably won't see her again and the whole thing is stupid. I'm sick of people though. Being blamed for her flipping out, well now I really DON'T have anything nice to say.
There's more but I'm tired of these things. I couldn't care less if they all went up in a forest fire of smoke. Am I psychopathic, I don't know but after years and years, an entire lifetime of shit, who fucking cares. Everything is always dysfunctional when it comes to my mother as far as I'm concerned AND she has always gotten away with it, doesn't seem to ever impact her badly.
It doesn't really matter how much I read about dynamics, or personality disorders, it doesn't matter because it doesn't impact me less. There's no real fixing it, there is no recuperating from it. I'm really stuck with it. I am stuck with this shit. It's a nightmare.
Yes, I will just repeat myself. It strikes me how narcissism or whatever it is, it creates a collective delusion which others are happy to participate in. When my brother committed suicide, my mother said that he was a "low-life," she really does view herself as better than other people.
Why can't I sue my mother for being a bitch, or actually for long-term emotional damage.
The neighbor that had come over was complaining about someone's yard across the street, it was brown grass. I mean really these are the things that constitutes whatever is important to them. Appearances of someone else's lawn. The thing is my mother's front yard LOOKS EXACTLY like the yard which is brown and uglified. They've been strategically uglifying the yard by killing plants, neglecting plants and undoing the actual landscape that was there. If only there were before and after photos. Oh well. But I can't help it, I just see it right in front of my own eyes. I'm not in their bubble of mutual delusion. I say that my mother's brown ugly yard looks exactly like the one across the street with dead plants. I know it seems these things aren't important they aren't. It's just it stands out to me how people suspend reality in order to get along with people.
Being polite isn't always a bad thing. But disregarding what you can see in front of your own fucking eyes in order to appease the narcissism-delusion of better than someone else. It annoys me. It's not even so much that it annoys me. I just can't do it.
I'm going to go on, this is boring but I am going to go on because that whole thing with the neighbor sort of blew up.
My mother has a stupid sign post that was put up on the edge of her property but on county land so she complained about that. Some people finally came and took it down, but even with it gone SHE IS still complaining about it. I interjected and I said "okay, well just be glad they took it down." Like it's not there now. Why should I buy into the delusion that the sign post is still causing her some kind of fucking mental anguish. It's not fucking there. It's was on a side of her house that she doesn't even use.
I guess I'm just tired that with her everything is phony, topical, petty, whatever. She hasn't had hobbies for years, she could but she is a dull person, she drinks alcohol and watches television so what could she possibly have to talk about.
Oh, the narcissism-bitch sends me a text message later that day to tell me I should go get therapy. Insinuating I am mentally ill because her CUNT of a neighbor stormed off. Well, If I'm mentally ill I guess it has nothing to do with having an alcoholic narcissistic bitch for a mother.
They're going to hate me no matter what I do. That is all there is to it. If I'm silent they will hate me, if I speak they will hate me, if I were dead they would hate me, if I'm alive they will hate me. So whatever. They can be assholes that's their problem.
I'm just going to continually repeat myself I do not fucking care. It's NOT my fault that I'm in some perpetual washing machine cycle that circulates the same dirty water over and over and over and over and over and over. Repeating the same emotional hatred and gaslighting and the bitch probably taking some kind of delight in putting me down and treating me like shit.
