Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Captain's Log - 2024
sKePTiKal:
WELL. She certainly processed all her feelings about S in record time. I guess all the pre-grieving she did does have a use. She's back centered & grounded and now the topic is how she can get away to do things she's interested in with other people, as a way to meet someone new.
This weekend she'll have her group of lady friends out for Beltane fire. Studio is ready to paint, too.
Contractor is DONE with driveway, two days early and a grand under the estimate. But he'll be back to build a couple projects - fence and equipment shed - so she can check out all his guys. LOLOL. I am really impressed with this guy; younger guy - Hol thought he was VERY attractive, jumping right to, to get things done and doing math in his head. I definitely like him and how he operates/does business. He was recommended by the biggest, oldest commercial site prep company in the city over the mountain and is a local guy to me. And he likes our place.
B will be home Monday. He can help me with the garden, I need to get some stuff planted NOW.
Hopalong:
Whoosh! And, gee willikers.
Dunno if I "disapprove" of open relationships or just think they're deeply unrealistic, and except for a few, usually wind up in HURT. I might've once viewed it differently, when I still had hormones. Of course it'd be nice if Hol fully freed herself, but her path may be rocky to give her strong muscles for the future.
I'm bemused. There are humans, including attractive intelligent male ones, in the town near y'all. There must be a few peaceful pubs. But finding some group activity there would be a more practical way to connect. Volunteer for something local if she's willing. That's what I'd do in her lonely shoes. She doesn't have to give up the city and work connections, but maybe find some local ways to connect to the social web.
Sounds like she works like an engine just like her Mom. I personally think you both work too much, and perhaps that's one observation S made of Hol that could be fair to ponder. But what floats one boat sinks another and you two are sorta Amazons and seem to be happiest when pushing to the limit. Lighter is too.
I've completely lost track of what full productivity looks like, but I've turned out to feel happier the less that's on my plate. As Stanley Kunitz once said to me, "Carpenters at work look busy; poets at work look abstracted." (Probably told this one here sometime already.) But I'm at peace with the abstraction, which gets nothing done that's externally practical or productive.
Hearing about your absolutely whirlwind lives is fascinating and engaging to me.
I wish you happy-busy, same to Hol, and loved seeing your comment on B, too.
Hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Yeah, I think her BRAIN thinks this non-manogamy is something she SHOULD agree with. She's not entirely sure about that, as regards her feelings. My observation is that everyone actually defines that philosophy differently; we used to call that "playing the field", right? Secondly, what she WANTS from a partner is a solid, show up & help out type with some skills... that she can also enjoy spending time with and have fun adventures with. I mean, don't we all want that? In some way shape or form?
So she's willing to simply add more friends to her circle for now. And I think that's wise on her part. We started talking about the benefits I found in being alone. The thing I wasn't - much or often - was lonely. I enjoyed my solitude a great deal. She's definitely seeing the opportunities for her to explore and grow in this new phase. And she's seeing through the bit of manipulation S is trying to run in having his freedom yet still enjoy all the privileges he had before. She's not finding it an attractive arrangement - it means he'll be less engaged & present here than he was when he WAS here. She's exhaustively analyzing what she wants to do about this; how she really feels.
Working physically, for both of us, is a way to turn off the hamster wheel thought loops. Being IN our bodies and feeling that, feeling competent and safe there... is good stuff for how both she and I are built. It's taken me some time to be ABLE to do that again, but it's been worth it. She intends to also sign up for tai chi again. It's a chance to meet people and it's another good tool for quieting the mind. Connecting with one's self. She's realizing that she can help out & give more to her lady friends too. Whether just babysitting kids or connecting and supporting them. Through those local friends - she can go out more and meet people. Just because we live rural doesn't mean that's a hopeless cause. It takes a bit of coordination, support and planning but it IS doable.
So, I need to give her some space now that I know she's not going to fall apart emotionally and make some reckless impulsive decisions. Let her chew on this some more. I need to do MY stuff, with/without her help. There's no absolute deadlines, except for the planting.
B is so anxious he even packed his phone already! Heard it vibrating and had to repack that ruck. LOLOLOL.
lighter:
Good riddance to S..... when and if Hol accepts his proposed arrangement to give much less. Ptooh. I can't see her making peace with that, particularly as it takes up space for something and someone new.
I do have to say..... I appreciate S' honesty. He didn't have to tell the truth. He did. That's information Hol can't ignore or explain away. Whatever unconscious belief systems are behind her willingness to accept so little from S can be discovered and sorted, it's hoped. Maybe all her busy-ness can be stilled for a while...... to just feel what's real and follow the feelings where they live.
Is the bonfire done? I would have like to participate from afar.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Oh, there will be more fire. We have a massive amount of cardboard from recent studio purchases and old cabinets that won't be reused.
And maybe a few other things, if Hol gets tired of waiting for him to decide if he's in or out of their relationship. Like I said, she doesn't really "feel" this non-manogamy thing. Her girlfriends shared their experiences with her and I think that helped. She's planning on working on herself with the extra time she has now.
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