Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Captain's Log - 2024
lighter:
The end of a thing that doesn't work can feel like a tragedy.... a terrible loss,, ime. Until clarity lands and it's just the end of a broken thing.....clearing space for something new.
I hope grieving and time lead Hol into curiosity for what comes next.
I hope it's not fear and regret. Those are old things. We've all had enough of them.
Hol is closing ranks with friends. There's joy in that. There's choice.
I look forward to the bonfires to come.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Well, we'll see how she does.
I'm so tired of talking about Steve, it's just not funny. She's so obsessed, it's like she can't think of anything else. The friends help her process it a little more. I'm going to try to find a distraction for her... Friend Deb is coming out this weekend, so that should help.
sKePTiKal:
Well, I guess facing and feeling the hard facts vs the fantasy she held on to, too long, kicked her better judgement into gear. I noticed the contractor coming in early yesterday and when I asked how she was feeling that morning, got told contractor's estimates for two small projects to help her manage the two remaining dogs and life there mostly by herself. She paid deposits; I'll cover the balance (I own that parcel.) So, she'll get to watch men work...
Next week, her buddy and maybe a friend are coming out to help her finish the god-forsaken greenhouse. 2-3 weeks from now, she's been asked to help organize a white water raft trip near here by another very solid (and single, she thinks) friend. The group going is her core group of solid friends.
Then too - she got some closure; certainty about situation from S. FINALLY. That also helped. She's got the first coat of paint on ceiling in studio (while we dropped B's rental yesterday). It's going to need a second coat and she's trying to get some pink on at least two walls today. She realized - in passing - she can move her bed back to where she has the best view now and still have room to walk. She's packing up & storing S's stuff for him to take with him next time and do with as he pleases. So, she's shifting into notcing the silver linings in this situation. FINALLY. The intense feelings are receding, for now.
Over time, she'll realize on her own, how much of an obstacle S was to her, and her project of making her house a home. The rest of us around her have seen it for awhile. Some tried to tell her. But she had developed a narrative fantasy about the "relationship" - which consisted of her giving and him taking, without ever giving back and even engaging with her less & less to the point of not at all, about anything in her life - the house, property, dogs, "adventures"... and she's been grumbling about him and frustrated the whole 5 years. The one grudge I know kept haunting her, was that he refused to visit her in jail. (He didn't "like jails". ) <rolleyes> That DUI was directly related to the fact that S had frustrated the crap out of her and she went to visit a friend and blow off steam - getting carried away. I remember cautioning her when she left the house!
I ain't buying even his self-description. He's more of a serial monogamist; after using up all the patience, good graces of his partner, and then being asked for just the basics of any normal relationship... repeatedly, he'll search for and find someone else to leech off of. Never ever having said more than 5 words about his past. This generation's penchant for staying friends with ex's means Hol has met and talked to 3 of them. Same pattern. But of course, Hol was recently bouncing back from the Bovie mess of 9 years and understandably WANTED to be charmed into feeling part of a couple. And yes, I TRIED then, to point out what his actions were reading ilke, to me. To prevent this from happening, hopefully. She wasn't having it. Nor from her friends who tried.
Everything else he did say about himself was some made-up pretend fairy tale meant to "buy" himself out of actually doing what he said he liked to do. The "green man" moved to the suburbs into a small apartment with no yard. Living in the woods is just too much work for someone who would rather just play on his phone all day and be fed & picked up after like a 14 yr old boy. The "lie" got twisted into Hol's fantasy of him.
At 46, you'd think Mom wouldn't have to help her with this kind of thing. But she is rather isolated out here, compared to living in town. There isn't anyone else right here. So, it's a good thing she's been putting energy into developing her network of ladies and other friends and has been getting out to do things in other places. SAFELY, I might add.
Anyway, she's getting there, but Mom is already flat out RELIEVED that he's gone so we don't have to deal with this crap any longer. And if S just abandons his "stuff" out here... another pattern... Hol is not opposed to a really BIG bonfire. If feels like we can finally live our lives (B & I) without some new drama hanging over our heads to help Hol process. And maybe now we can get back to collaborating on studio.... and talk about SOMETHING, ANYTHING ELSE but S!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I'm exhausted!
So Monday, contractor will start building a gated fence around the Hut, so we can keep Kiri, the pup, contained and Hol wll have an easier time training her to voice commands. She's a smart dog; already knows some of the commands it took Knuckles 3-4 years to learn. At the same time, another team will start a pole barn behind her garage for equipment storage & wood oollection. This summer, B & I will clear a space next to the studio to build our own wood shed & wood processing "yard".
/end of the S saga & moving on... full speed ahead!
<BIG SMILES!!!!>
Hopalong:
I hear the relief and letting go....that's so good for all of you.
Hol does have access to an online therapist, who could help her stop relying on you as the safe, constant, no-consequence place to DUMP. For so long she allowed herself to depend intensely on you to sort out her own emotional and relationship life. She'll feel much more positive about herself once she has longer periods of independent practice (hopefully also in teamwork with a T) in discovering layers and recognizing indicators (of posers, narcissists, the selfish, and whatnot) and the red flags in hindsight. She can find nuances, too.
I'm glad she clarified her "open" relationship, meaning "the door's open and don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out." His entitlement was so off the charts.
I picked through the wreckage of two marriages for a long time after each. But I kept the pattern going: falling for men I could weave into my FANTASY of what would happen. Still did it on the cusp of 70, with M. Now I feel no fear of that mistake. Bit late in life for the penny to drop, but it done dropped!
I think Hol's smarter than that, and it'll be interesting to see her experiments and directions and adventures and retreats and learnings. But now you can watch from the comfort and closeness of being with B, dreaming your own separate dreams.
Pupper is chewing on my feet. My feet are not used to this. LOL
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I hope S is ready to move on. He might feel a certain way about losing the home, companionship and security of Hol always being there.
Hopefully, anger kicks in to carry Hol through and out.
I'd give S a date to get his things then use cleansing fire to finish that chapter. I dislike people using things to control. Hol will figure it out.
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