Anything again

[sKePTiKal]

Meh, I tried to reply about your list yesterday but deleted it coz ye olde inner critic thought I was being too... something. It felt wrong.

The important part of my response was your list is what I would describe as symptoms you experience because of your lived life so far - and trauma, abuse, neglect, insecure attachment.... WHATEVER. You could explain most of that list with almost ANY DSM "diagnosis". But that doesn't mean you can't start working to minimize how you experience the things in the list, in the absence of pinpointing a diagnosis.

Maybe it would help to rank the symptoms on the list for continuity - always, sometimes, rarely - and then intensity. Maybe it would let you decide to shorten the list to 2 or 3 things to focus on changing or understanding in a deeper way? Maybe assign a tentative time limit - 2 weeks, a month - always remembering that if your exploration and work shows results you can always devote more time to it. Also - we tend to work on the same things our whole lives - to lesser/greater degree. Just like I can't really change my white hair - different hair cuts are helpful at projecting a younger, stronger image. And I feel more confident.

I know you're creative and very smart. I'm sorry you're also lonely. Maybe THAT'S because you feel isolated from your inner self? Instead of needing other people/community. I dunno - but you can figure that out.

I'm just spitballing some ideas that might/might not inspire you into a direction. You sound a lot more open and clearer these days. So, maybe you're getting close to an actual breakthrough - hatching out into a spring chicken??? LOL. Rebirth.

[Meh]

Thanks Skeptikal.

I'm not looking for people to give me solutions.

It's more an act of thinking outloud. Some of these things to some extent give me some shame and I've gotten in the habit of trying to like acknowledge the things with some shame around it.

Time limit sounds reasonable. I doubt my mind's mode of operation is reasonable though.

The other thing is I think I do have some important thoughts bubble up from the black bog every once in a great while and I often register it as a blip on the radar and forget it and just keep doing whatever I am doing.

The fact of the matter is I have been living a very schizoid type life style for much of my life and it was imposed on me I think as this is a normal world-view.

I know it's dull to be self-absorbed. I think my "social self" is very fragile and withdrawn.

Oh that is what I have been reflecting on the general idea of being withdrawn and as a child I sort of felt something was wrong with me for various things including the part of being withdrawn. Anyhow. It's very unlikely I should get a chance to see someone equipped to deal with this stuff. I have some appointment scheduled to see a counselor in May it takes that long and it's just an intake on a video conference with a guy in a different city. Anyhow.

I know people say it's improbable but I am at the point of patient heal-thyself.

Right now I have time to ruminate.

Thank you though. The part you say about the time limit seems legit. More importantly I think it's somehow utilizing action steps.

[Meh]

I'm a fan of casseroles because it's not what I ate growing up and it's flexible if you get the basic cheese-can of cream of something ratio to everything else. I had an 8x8 pan and I got one of those ham steaks cut it up into cubes browned it, put can of cream of celery and maybe aprox half a cup of milk, some kind of cheap sharp generic cheddar didn't really measure it just like halfish of a small block, some frozen celery, cooked macaroni pasta and almost too much onion powder which I measured with my lazy hand giant pinch maybe three tablespoons idk. I think that is all I stuck in there. It's funny how I always wanted to make homemade macaroni and cheese but for some reason I couldn't figure it out before like I tried making something in a crockpot with cream-cheese I think and it over cooked and all separated etc. I think it was crockpot cheesy cauliflower thing. It didn't work. Anyhow I love casseroles. I want to make one with pepperoni. Since I have weird allergies at least I know what is in a casserole and I can make something like a pizza casserole maybe idk? -- I want to make a weird one pepperoni, yams, corn, olives. I'm at risk of gaining weight. I've never had a weight problem but without doing gardening, hiking, art or something then the next active thing is just like making food stuff. Shrug.

[Meh]

Narcissists (and their children) often confuse the pain of being a victim with empathy.

True Empathy: "I feel the cow’s pain because I value the cow’s life as separate from mine."

Projective Empathy: "I feel the cow’s pain because I am the cow. If I save the cow, I am symbolically saving myself from my parents."


I've sometimes wondered what vegetarianism is really about.

[sKePTiKal]

No worries. I know you're usually not looking for advice. Just sharing in hopes there might be a bit to inspire you or shine a light somewhere. And to essentially, let you know - it's not just you going through stuff like this.

[Meh]

No worries. I know you're usually not looking for advice. Just sharing in hopes there might be a bit to inspire you or shine a light somewhere. And to essentially, let you know - it's not just you going through stuff like this.

               LOVELOVE           LOVELOVE
         LOVELOVELOVE       LOVELOVELOVE
   LOVELOVELOVELOVE   LOVELOVELOVELOVE
  LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
     LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
       LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
         LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
           LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
             LOVELOVELOVELOVE
               LOVELOVELOVE
                 LOVELOVE
                     LOVE

[Hopalong]

What SHE (Amber) said.
I don't find your thinking dull at ALL, Meh.

You are valuable and interesting to me.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

I found a book about lament not sure if mentioned that before. It's titled A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card. The way it's written doesn't draw me into reading it. Lots of blah blah about nothing it feels like but I just like that a book on this topic exists as I was reading laments anyhow. So I will skim it. Flip through it. I like the concept that there is something in lament that is lost in society and something of value in it. That lament is a legit form of thought or expression. Why not. I feel people have suppressed laments. Not just a suppressed feeling but a whole string of something. Outside of toxic positivity and toxic negativity there has to just be plain real positivity and real negativity. I feel like if I quietly check in with myself at night and sort of think about how I am feeling even if they are not happy thoughts and if it's sad at least it's real and I don't feel that is negative. --- Actually what am I trying to say. I think I often just have a sad disposition and I feel it should be okay just to be that if that is how one is. I don't understand why it has to be like socially unacceptable to be a sad person.

being knee-jerk judgemental maybe is a habitual toxic-negativity thing idk. I'm getting into the false-positive/false-negatives like it's a medical test.

Wasn't always cynical really. It sort of started with one particular work group long ago that were all kinda grumpy and I caught it and kept it and have just been developing the cynicism oh well. 

I'm really not feeling like I have a strong sense of self these days. I feel like one of those ocean rocks that have the holes  all-over them. I think it's because I never keep all juggling everything and I've never had the emotional strength to have a lot of personal life as well as work. I sort of just completely lean into the work identity when I am working. The bits and pieces of me not the work person feel very small. My life is weird. This morning I asked someone how their week had been and they told me they had gone to a funeral ... and they asked me about mine and I couldn't say much because I've been self-absorbed/navel-gazing/barely existing or not existing in a socially acceptable way so what do I say to people: "oh just doing lots of errands." ---

Shrug doesn't matter. There just haven't been any mile stones recently. Nor hobbies. Nor going places. I better not think about it too much I will want to find the nearest moshpit which there are none.

[Meh]

"Scheper-Hughes, N. (1992). Death Without Weeping: The Violence of Everyday Life in Brazil. University of California Press.

This book is considered a masterpiece of medical anthropology. It specifically details her fieldwork in the "Alto do Cruzeiro," a hillside shantytown in the town of Bom Jesus da Mata, Northeast Brazil.

The Core Concept: "Selective Neglect"
Scheper-Hughes challenged the Western idea that "maternal instinct" is universal and automatic. In a world of extreme poverty and high infant mortality, she observed:

Life-Leaning vs. Death-Leaning: Mothers categorized infants as either "fighters" (survivors) or those "wanting to die" (weak).

Delayed Attachment: Because babies died so frequently from diarrhea and malnutrition, mothers practiced what she called "maternal detachment." They would not name the child, talk to the child, or "mirror" its emotions until it had passed the high-risk infancy stage."

[Hopalong]

I dunno. Taking a positive risk, no matter the outcome, is something.

You got close to and loved a dog for a while.
You went to a church. It turned out not to fit you, but you did it. (Try UUs?)

Both of those were human engagement with sources of love. Or potential love.

If your rock didn't have that porosity, you wouldn't be able to try new things.
And it sounds like you're doing better in the self-love department. Whether it's through research, navel-gazing (my major) or taking gentle risks, you're trying, imo.

Small steps can be real leaps sometimes.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hops, you had mentioned that you had an N relative and you at one point were wondering IF they had some cross-over with autism like spectrum.

This is something I was wondering about one of the covert-paranoid-sadistic narcissist relative in my orbit. If they also had some cross over with autism and the reason why I was wondering it was due to their lack of motivation to do basic things like executive function issues.

The thing is today I was really thinking how the N I know has a sadistic element to their personality they enjoy making other people uncomfortable AND they are passive aggressive and then the more I thought about the situation I thought I think the autism-like traits I am seeing are actually long-term passive aggressive behaviors.

[Meh]

???

Distinguishing Neurodivergence from Covert Manipulation

When an individual neglects daily responsibilities while remaining absorbed in digital media, the distinction between Executive Dysfunction (Autism/ADHD) and Weaponized Incompetence (Covert Narcissism) lies in the intent and the reaction to accountability.

1. The "Boredom" of the Superior
To the narcissist, mundane functionality is viewed as "beneath" them. They frame their refusal to participate as "boredom" or a sign of "High Intelligence," suggesting their mind is too complex for "pedestrian" labor. In reality, this is a defense mechanism. Being a functional adult requires humility and presence, both of which threaten the narcissist’s fragile ego.

2. The Mask of the "Innocent Victim"
To protect their low-effort lifestyle, the narcissist adopts a strategic posture designed to flip the script on anyone requesting help:

The "Confused Intellectual": They play the role of someone so focused on "complex systems" that they "simply didn't notice" the environment. This forces others to take over their responsibilities.

DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender): If challenged, they don't address the task; they address the ask. They frame the person requesting help as an "aggressor" or "nag," shifting the focus away from their own neglect and onto the other person’s "tone."

3. Why Functionality Causes Discomfort
The Mirror Effect: Completing a mundane task forces them to acknowledge they are ordinary. It shatters the fantasy of being a "special case" exempt from the rules of life.

Shame-Triggering: In their mind, a task left undone is a failure. To avoid the shame of that failure, they simply refuse to look at the task, effectively "deleting" it from their reality.

Autism (Special Interest) vs. Narcissism (Defensive Withdrawal)
Primary Goal: Autistic focus is for Regulation (finding joy, flow, or mastery to manage a chaotic world). Narcissistic focus is for Shielding (creating a "bunker" to stay unavailable to the demands of reality).

Social Mask: Autistic neglect is Unfiltered and usually due to genuine "blindness" caused by deep focus. Narcissistic neglect is Strategic, relying on a "Postured Mask" of being a "distracted genius" to avoid labor.

Internal Logic: Autism involves Monotropism (the brain is biologically funneled into one channel). Narcissism involves Entitlement (the belief that they are exempt from the mundane duties of living).

Resources for Research
Freyd, J.J. (1997): Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and institutional betrayal. (The foundation of DARVO mechanics).

Miller, J. D., et al. (2011): Vulnerable Narcissism: An Analysis of Its Components. (Detailing the "innocent victim" mask).

Murray, D., et al. (2005): Attention, monotropism and the diagnostic criteria for autism. (Distinguishing between biological focus and defensive withdrawal).

[Meh]

I feel annoyed and stupid with my current situation of therapy appointment.

After looking into the place even more it's not feeling like a good match at all they assign people to a therapist? That seems more like a case-manager. And after reading more on their website I realized it's a Prison-to-Community Pipeline: a major contractor for "Jail-Based Behavioral Health Services" (JBBS). They specialize in transitional care for people leaving incarceration. Their primary focus is on recidivism reduction and court-ordered compliance. And also a lot of focus on some kind of deferral process for drug addiction stuff.

This mental health service center is really just an extension of the prison industrial complex. Yeah they've got some weird government contracts... like whatever.

I think I might flip this place the invisible middle finger and just move on. It's just a conveyor of compliance and conformity lol.