What's going on?

[Anonymous]

But there is compassoion in my case. I can't tell you all the times I said "for some reason, I just feel sorry for him" ... dunno, but it was as though I saw him as someone who was fighting demons and will fight demons for the rest of his life in his head. That is where the compassion comes from despite the way he hurt and destroyed me. I will move on and find happiness again, and eventhough he is with someone else now, I don't "buy" that he is happy, b/c I truly don't think he is capable of it.

Terry, welcome to the board. It really sounds like you've come a long way in a year. To have compassion for those who hurt us, and to eventually work toward forgiveness, is landmark. IMO, it's when we are y free and have truly recovered. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to the breakup with the ex-N being more painful and difficult than with your marriage. Same for me.


Best,

bludie

[Guest_NewDay]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, bludie.  

I have read a bit on forgiveness and learned and realized that forgiveness has to do with *me* not the other person.  You wear anger like a ball and chain and it can drain you just like the N did!  You continue to focus on the other person, to focus on yourself as a victim, and to give all of your emotional power away.  When you figure out how to forgive, you stop being owned by anger or by the other person.  It's not an easy emotion to conquer, and I still have these waves of anger, but I think they are sometimes directed at me, for not probing or figuring this out sooner.  

One of the best things I have read is that " anger and resentment are like drugs -- they rarely do you good, and they usually do you harm."  They may serve a purpose in the beginning, but after a short time, you need to manage those emotions in order to recover and heal.  

One of my true regrets is that I just did not know or understand what was going on and just didn't know what to do to help myself or him.  I thought my inner resources were enough (I am a strong, resilient person in other respects of my life).  I kept saying "it is as though he systematically set out to destroy me" but it was all so subtle and worked on a cumulative basis over such a length of time.  

In any event, I have invested a lot of time and energy to understand what happened, and it is finally paying off.  
I wish you well.  I have read some of your posts and they are spot on.  

May your road to recovery continue,
Terry

[bludie]

Terry,

I thought my inner resources were enough (I am a strong, resilient person in other respects of my life).

So true. I thought most of my ex-Ns problems were related to addiction. Unfortunately, that was the tip of the ice berg. I also had a bit of the starry-eyed 'love will conquer all'  illusion but that faded quickly after getting engaged and moved in together.

You continue to focus on the other person, to focus on yourself as a victim, and to give all of your emotional power away.

I am really trying to break free of this. Wednesday marked 4 months since breaking it off with my ex-N. In some ways it seems long ago. Other days the wounds still seem fresh. I want to learn and grow from this but not become so immersed that it defines me.

I have read a bit on forgiveness and learned and realized that forgiveness has to do with *me* not the other person.

Again, so true. For some of us, like bunny said in another thread, it's somatic. Wish I could transmit what I've learned to my heart. It's taking me a bit longer than I'd like but I'll keep plugging along. And you, too! Thanks again for your post.

Best,

bludie

[Lara]

Love and hugs to all of us who are getting through this day by day, together! Before I started this thread I was afraid of posting my thoughts and feelings honestly: I felt that I was either being crazy or over-reacting to the aftermath of my relationship. But as I read the replies,I realise that I am not alone after all,and that there are fine people who know just what it's like to be in this situation. I am so pleased to 'know' everyone on this thread;and I hope that we can all take pride in what we have achieved so far in our recovery.

( I LOVE your description Pearl, of a 'shaken world' after you had contact with your ex. Mine phoned me early on Tuesday to say that his girlfriend has had a baby.First time he's spoken to me for a year. He started to tell me all the details of her name etc,at which point I put the phone down. Feel rude that I couldn't congatulate him...yes I know! Have been shaking as I write this,and crying at night.)

Sending my love,
Lara.

[bludie]

Mine phoned me early on Tuesday to say that his girlfriend has had a baby.First time he's spoken to me for a year. He started to tell me all the details of her name etc,at which point I put the phone down. Feel rude that I couldn't congatulate him...yes I know! Have been shaking as I write this,and crying at night.)

Lara, I hope you will consider not taking any more of his calls. Although the birth of a child is wonderful and miraculous, he had no business calling to update you...cruel. Either he doesn't get it (how this would make you feel) or he doesn't care. I encourage you to stop subjecting yourself to the pain of being in contact. It sounds as if you still have feelings for him, which is understandable. Protect yourself and the healing you've done throughout the past year by not allowing him to invade your life again. Even a phone call can send us reeling.

Best,

bludie

[bunny]

Mine phoned me early on Tuesday to say that his girlfriend has had a baby.First time he's spoken to me for a year. He started to tell me all the details of her name etc,at which point I put the phone down. Feel rude that I couldn't congatulate him...yes I know! Have been shaking as I write this,and crying at night.).

What a jerk. He is a huge narcissist, it's all about him. I hope you hung up on him (couldn't tell if that's what happened). I feel sorry for his baby. Please find ways to block him from contacting you. He is very bad news  and has zero to offer you in any way, shape or form.

{{{{ Lara }}}}

bunny

[Anonymous]

Laura:  I have a great book at  home, "Who's Pulling Your Strings"? by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D.  She lists several tactics to those people like us exposed to the manipulations of Narcs.   I read with interest your ex called to rub it in about his new relationship, his new wife, his new baby after not speaking to you for a year.  What a trip.  At any rate Dr. Braiker list several telephone tactics that I have employed that really work that you might want to try on any narc that tries that "oh look at what I have and you don't have in your life".  (1)  Just say when they call, it can be a narc family member or other significant other " I need to put you on hold for a minute or so.  Excuse me I will be right back"  Just leaving them hanging!  LOL  I really had fun with this one!  (2) "I have to ask you to hold the line for a minute. Excuse me."  (3) "I need to put the phone down for a minute, so and so I think is at the door".  (4) "I'm going to have to call you back in a few minutes, Thanks."   Cuts their water off every time! LOL Patz

[Blue Topaz]

So sorry for that experience Lara.

I just wanted to second what Bludie & Bunny said.  

Guilty for not wishing him congratulations? Conversely, I say he is lucky that he didn't get a "congratulations" from your foot to his behind for that phone call.  As has been said, it was a cruel & self serving act.  

Even if I believe that N's are disordered (vs. evil people) I still believe they are not exempt from consequences when they do abusive actions. You absolutely did the right thing in putting down the phone on him.  Now that you have an idea of how he is capable of calling you to hurt you with the carefully chosen details of his life, hopefully you can see he's calling beforehand & not pick up, or even call the phone company to have the service where you can block several numbers, etc.

If you ever do happen to pick up the phone by accident, you could always just put it down as soon as you heard the first note of his voice, with zero listening to anything.   These are the consequences he will have to endure from his N acting out toward you.

Something more you can always think about regarding any wonderings of a character change on his part....   If his girlfriend just had his baby, what is he doing re-contacting & e-mailing you several times, fooling around with endearing hints?   Actually, it is known that one trigger for acting out in abusive type personality people is when their partner is pregnant.

One can see again, even from yet a different perspective, how disordered in thinking he still is.  

I also find it very, very sad for N types like him themselves, but wherever we are helpless to effect any kind of change, all we can do is protect ourselves.  

Take care....

BT

[Guest_NewDay]

Lara, I am so sorry you had to endure your exN's cruelty, there is no excuse for what he did, it is completely pathological behavior, and it is a shame that he inflicted himself on you that way.  I also support you 100+++% in the way you handled it by putting the phone down while he was in mid-sentence, you not only did the right thing, but you saved yourself from the possibility of even more hurtful behavior, and hopefully, by doing that, he may now know never to contact you again.  

It is astounding that he felt the need to contact you like that and only proves that he has not and will not change.  Take heart in knowing that.  You're missing the man you met long ago, not the one who resides in his body today.  

Hang in there.
Warmly.
Terry

[Anonymous]

Dear Lara,

I hope, and wish with all my heart, that you are doing better now.

I fully understand you.  Believe me, you can make yourself stronger. I felt guilty last summer not doing what ex-N asked me for. But then I stopped myself with the following words: I feel better not doing this (as you feel better not listening his updates), hence I am doing favour for myself. Everything else is the next item in my priority list.

Love,
Pearl

[Lara]

Hi everyone,
I've been wanting to post for several days but had to wait for enough time and privacy with my computer.
I was feeling pretty low when I posted last weekend, but now I am feeling stronger. The replies I received from you,Bludie,Bunny, Patz,Blue Topaz,Terry and Pearl have really made a difference!
After I got the 'baby' call from my ex I was so shaken. In my mind's eye I had so many images of him and his gfriend, closer than ever and smiling with the new baby.As you said Bludie, I kept wondering if he just didn't 'get' how it was likely to affect me to receive that news with no warning and no meaningful contact for a year.

But when I read all your replies, I felt so supported,so validated in the action I had taken (putting the phone down on him.) They brought me real comfort. The most profound thing is that after reading your opinions,something seemed to switch itself off inside my head...it was the mechanism that for over five years has produced an excuse for anything he has said or done, such an automatic reaction that I didn't even realise I was doing it. I don't know if I'm making myself very clear;what I mean is that when I logged off from this site that day I suddenly felt some degree of  detachment from him, for the first time. I am PRAYING that this will continue;I don't want to be back where I was before,and I'm quite fearful of that.

Thank you for your advice about protecting myself from future calls;I certainly will.I didn't check the number before picking up on that day, because after a year I never thought he would actually call again.

There is something very bizarre about all this;I don't know if anyone can explain it. It was a Tuesday morning, very early, when he called. The previous evening I had taken out his photo for the first time for many months,and cried a little. I also decided that Monday night to write him a letter of final closure, including all my mixed feelings towards him, and I wrote in the letter 'because I will never speak to you again.' I had absolutely no intention of posting the letter to him;I just wanted to set out all my feelings and hopefully lay his ghost for ever, and get on with the rest of my life. It was only EIGHT HOURS LATER that I got the phone call from him, after a year's silence! That freaked me out a bit.

Thank you SO MUCH again!

Sincerely,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Dear Lara,

I think that this new sense of detachment is your best protection from the ex.  My congratulations that it has started.  You certainly worked on it. (I do not believe that detachment appears by itself, without your profound work)

By the way, you can reinforce it.  There is a simple technique that  I found very helpful. As soon as any thought (not specific memory) about him came to my mind I chose one of three options depending on what the thought was. Either I said "It is not my problem" - if it was about his problems, or "This does not concern me" - if it was what he is doing/thinking/etc,  or, and this is hilarious, tried to imagine a small blue elephant   .   I stopped doing this because I do not need it any more.  I am longing sometimes for what was going between us.  When I catch myself on memories then I come back to here-and-now, by counting chaires, for example.  Another thing: there was not much to long for  -  I know this, but  
 
You will help yourself remaining detached and strong. As for the ex: it is really difficult to prevent un-desirable meetings.  Although filtering email and phone calls certainly helps      

One practial thing: to pack all memories and put them in the attick/basement/garage/throw away. It was suggested by my friend - I did this - it helped a lot!

Love,
Pearl

[bludie]

tried to imagine a small blue elephant  

Too funny, Pearl. I love it. Along those lines, I read of someone's therapist recommending she say to herself over and over: "I reject this man. He is not someone I want in my life." It's supposed to rewire some cognitive process in the brain, though I don't pretend to know much about that stuff.

Anyway, Lara, it sounds as if you've had a break through - wahoo! So wonderful to reach the realm of detachment - good for you. As for thinking of and writing to him the night before he called, I don't view this as a coincidence. I think in the truest sense we're all connected and thoughts certainly can help manifest circumstances in our lives.

I hope you have a way of screening your calls in case he decides to phone again. Had I known my ex-Ns new phone number, I never would have picked up.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Lara:

Detachment is indeed progress.  Patz

[BlueTopaz]

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