The Third Step

[MywifeandI]

The Third  Step

The First Step for my wife and I was about six months ago. While listening to the news, I heard Mark Hacking described as a narcissist. As the story unfolded, we became appalled  as we realized that we have been the target of the same disorder for over 30 years. During that time, we  almost lost our minds because of the manipulation and targeting that we have received by our N’s.  The horrors and belittling is just unbelievable. From this comes the voicelessness that follows, as your whole family is turned against you by the narcissist. Three times I have seen in the faces of three different N’ s,  the pleasure that comes across their faces as they have what they think is you squirming under their thumb. They did not even see that what we  were giving them was grace, or a chance to turn around before it was too late to mend the relationship. N s are almost all the same, just different faces.  As we listened to the reports of the lack of empathy that Mark Hacking and Scott Peterson had for their own wives, we saw for the first time in over 30 years that there was a reason for these unending attacks and belittling toward us by our N s. We took our first step, narcissistic NPD behavior was uncovered, we were not nuts.

The Second Step  Armed with the knowledge of discovery of N’s, which is the first step,  my wife and I went to the net to find information on what a narcissist was, how they think, what makes them tick, and how they operate. We had questions, were those who had targeted us for so many years really narcissistic?  Were we narcissistic?  We found books, articles, and web pages of information. We ordered books, read articles, searched and armed ourselves with knowledge.  We also changed our clothes. We stepped out of the garments that had been placed upon us by our N’ s.  We embraced empathy and thanked God that we could feel emotion. We celebrated the simple fact that we knew that we had faults. To be able to change your course, to be able to say that you are sorry and mean it, to be able to cry in gratitude over the goodness in another person are not signs of illness or that you are mentally unstable, but they are signs that you have one of God’s greatest gifts. You are human, you are well, you can love and feel other’s pain. You are whole, you are normal.  What had been a great confusion now became understandable and even predictable. Once you  identify the problem, which is the first step, take the second step and arm yourself with knowledge as we are doing.  Over the years we have tried to deal with our  N’s in different ways. We have  tried to love them out of it. We have gone  toe to toe with them and had to back off.  If you go toe to toe with a N they will never back down, they will go at it with you until one of you is dead. They have no empathy. They will do anything to protect their beloved image of themselves that they have produced,so people will give them their much needed supply.

The Third Step  Armed with the first step of discovery and the second step of knowledge, you then press forward for the third step. Are there others out there who are going through the same things that we are going through?
We searched and we found you.  We found you and we have cried with you, we have laughed with you, we have hurt with you. We  are the veterans of the war that N’ s have waged against us. We are not perfect. We don’t always write with wisdom. As we gain knowledge and look back, there are some things we wish we had said differently. But finally, for once in our lives, we can speak and be heard. This may be the only place we may ever have that privilege.

Right here,  my N’ s would say I am too emotional, but I would have to tell you that we love you and would wrap our arms around you and hold you and tell you that you are not crazy. I can not tell you how much each and everyone of your posts have meant to me and my wife. We are printing them out and making a book of them. We will never see your faces, but you will forever be cherished in our hearts because you have dared to open up and share  your hurts and stories with us. As you are healing and trying to come to grips with the fact that your whole life has been messed up by  N’s,  you sometimes revert to trying to fix the problem because the nightmare is sometimes too great to bare. When we do that, please just love us. It hurts so bad, just hold us. If you are having a hard time dealing with your N know that you are not alone.

 This web site is not a clique as we have been accused of being. It is a meeting place of imperfect, hurting people who are hurting and healing and who desperately need each other. I hope  we can  put this accusation behind us and get on  with our mission. Our mission is to help each other to heal from the targeting of N’s and to regain our dignity and voice. All that I can say to each and everyone of you is, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You are beautiful, You can cry, you can love, you can feel,  you can change, you are made in the image of the one who is above all, through all, and in you all. Hugs to you, be healed. Now  we must go on to the forth step, and that is to make a new life that is not controlled by  N’s.

With Love  MywifeandI

[Anonymous]

Wow! Thank you and hugs and smiles and laughs and life for both of you too  

[serena]

This thread is one of the most life affirming and wonderful things I have ever read on a message board.

Thank you (and your wife!!)

[Anonymous]

to make a new life

.....

It feels as though you are already living it and sharing it : the warmth from your post is incredible Steph

[flower]

Thanks "MywifeandI" and anyone reading and posting here,

Thankyou for your post MWAI. (hope you don't mind the acronym) You said some things that I had been thinking about, so your post really resonated with me. So many things are the same for our family. With us, it was only 27 years of being targeted.

Among the things I related to:

The horrors and belittling is just unbelievable. From this comes the voicelessness that follows, as your whole family is turned against you by the narcissist.

This is so familiar.

They did not even see that what we were giving them was grace, or a chance to turn around before it was too late to mend the relationship.

This fits what my husband and I have said about my parents. We tried for years to, as you described, love them out of their problem.

They didn't want our grace. Nothing was wrong with the relationship in their eyes for we turned the other cheek until they had us going back and forth like a doors on  hinges.  
 

We celebrated the simple fact that we knew that we had faults. To be able to change your course, to be able to say that you are sorry and mean it, to be able to cry in gratitude over the goodness in another person are not signs of illness or that you are mentally unstable, but they are signs that you have one of God’s greatest gifts. You are human, you are well, you can love and feel other’s pain. You are whole, you are normal.

So well put.

There certainly is freedom in knowing oneself is flawed. One doesn't have to pretend or be afraid of other's criticism or correction, ever again.
We are forgiven so we can forgive others and take correction ourselves from others.

This web site is not a clique as we have been accused of being. It is a meeting place of imperfect, hurting people who are hurting and healing and who desperately need each other. I hope we can put this accusation behind us and get on with our mission. Our mission is to help each other to heal from the targeting of N’s and to regain our dignity and voice. All that I can say to each and everyone of you is, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You are beautiful, You can cry, you can love, you can feel, you can change, you are made in the image of the one who is above all, through all, and in you all. Hugs to you, be healed. Now we must go on to the forth step, and that is to make a new life that is not controlled by N’s.

Thank you for your optimism. I benefited from your post in many ways.

We are definitely all hurting, for sure.  I am ready for the fourth step.

This board has many sensitive souls who post and visit. I thank  the empathetic, intuitive people who have helped me along on my journey.  The support from this board has been invaluable for me and others in getting freedom from "doormat status" from Ns.

Many of us grew up without a voice, we are finding our voices, trying out our voices. Sometimes our voices may sound awkward, sometimes empathetic, sometimes clueless, sometimes mistaken, sometimes selfish, sometimes paranoid, sometimes harsh, sometimes kind. Many of us grew up without healthy role models. We are all learning and need others' patience. We are often blind to our own faults.  Or we have just been misunderstood!

 Our attempts at helping can be crude at times. Maybe it is our lack of eloquence in writing and we just don't pick the right words or are in a hurry at the keyboard. We can't see each others faces, reactions, body language at our words. We all come to the board with our own world views and perspectives that color our interpretation of other's words. As Portia said:

.... we are all trapped inside our own world-views and we can never enter someone else’s brain to make sure they see things exactly the way we do.

This is so true.
My husband and I have trouble communicating at times just sitting in the same room and having been married 27 years. So, here we are on this board with just a little screen and a few words and we really don't know each other and are shy sometimes. It is a wonder we even get along at all after all the abuse we have taken from Ns in our 3D lives.

Also, how can compassion always come naturally to one who didn't receive it growing up? Or didn't have it for years and forgot what compassion feels like.  It is very hard to make oneself unhurt and unparanoid, unPTSD. It is a wonder that any of us have energy to reply to each other. I'm going through the stage now of having not absolutely no contact from my parents since November 10.  The finality (It seems) of my boundary's effectiveness is just hitting home and hurts even though my health is growing.  As has been said, we are a bunch of hurt people trying to help other hurt people.

When voices get harsh here, we are speaking from our problems, our own pain or cluelessness. Hopefully, any harshness here is a just a stage in the growth from voicelessness to get past. For none of us wants to be like our abusers.  Sometimes we only see our mistakes in retrospect.  We are all learning , certainly I am still learning.  Our perspectives are changing as we grow.  

I'd like to add that this is one of the most responsive discussion forums I have ever seen. If anyone feels ignored it may be that you didn't ask specifically for input about a specific question. Also only one or two responses to a post  is good imo. And some of us are getting burn out. I've posted over 300 posts (I don't have the record by any means! I think Portia is the top poster - which is great in my opinion. kudos) Anyway, I'm kinda tired, have been for quite awhile and just haven't been putting the thought I used to into posts..sorry if my posts got junky, anyone...or for any cluelessness on my part. I don't even read all the posts. Life has gotten a bit overwhelming in the 3D world.

 My wish for 2005 is for peace and understanding here on the board and lots of chocolate for everyone.
Please keep posting MWAI, I think you may have some valuable insights for us from your journey.

[flower]

"MywifeandI" and others,

Thanks again for the post. I'm printing it out for my husband.

I am just too tired. Thankyou everyone for your support these last seven months.  Take care and don't let your Ns get to you.  They are rattle snakes without rattles - unnatural trouble makers full of poison not happy unless they are stirring things up and putting us down.