Living vicariously through my daughter and it HURTS!

[Overcomer]

Hello All!  Haven't been online in awhile but something happened which I could use some feedback on.

When I was young and my Nmom didn't have time for me, I became obsessed with becoming a cheerleader.  I practiced everyday, all day and finally made it in my sophomore year.  My whole self esteem was wrapped up in being a cheerleader.  I was chubby growing up but got skinny to be a cheerleader.  Then I started getting jerked around.  My cheer coach thought I was too tall to be a cheerleader and rigged the tryouts (one of the judges came to me to tell me........)  When I told my mother, she just told me to deal with it and didn't go to the school authorities to confront them for the rigged tryouts..................of course, I was devastated and was jerked around a couple more times before I quit cheerleading in my senior year...............

Fast forward 27 years.  My daughter is a senior and has had some similar situations occur.  When she didn't make cheerleading in her junior year (after being one since seventh grade) I called the coach and accused her of rigging the tryouts.

Now she is getting jerked around again in cheerleading and she is taking it ok - but ME?  I am a basket case!  I am sick to my stomach.  The emotions are flooding back to me as if I am reliving my youth.  I realize this is irrational.  My daughter's self esteem isn't tied to cheerleading like mine was.........................but help!  I think I need counseling!  I am just so emotional over this whole cheerleading thing!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kelly,

First, the good news. You're trying to do for your daughter what you mother didn't do for you. You aren't repeating the cycle of neglect. The not-so-good news is what you've already told us. You're getting a bit overinvolved. It might be helpful to seek therapy for support while your daughter is triggering this earlier trauma...

bunny

[kelly as guest]

Thanks for your reply, Bunny.  You are always there for moral support and I appreciate it.

The scary thing for me is that her cheerleading "career" is following mine almost exactly.  I didn't make it in my junior year and then they called me during my summer vacation and put me back on the squad after someone decided to move.  The EXACT same thing happened to her.

Then in my senior year I was "demoted" from captain and she was essentially "demoted" to a lower squad on the all star team she has been a part of since 8th grade.  I quit half way during my senior year, and she has just quit (half way through her senior year.)  And to make matters worse a girl who is her "best" friend got promoted to the "elite" team.  (And this friend has been on a lower squad for two years.)

Is that all?  Right?  My Nmom basically poo-poos the whole thing and states that cheerleading doesn't amount to a hill of beans in the whole scheme of things.  TRUE.  But why does it just send me over the edge?

I'm 45 years old and this is gut wretching to me.  I just don't want my daughter to hurt like I did.  I also have never felt worthy in my life except during that triumphant sophomore year.  After I started getting jerked around and my mother didn't stick up for me, I took a turn in my life which sent me down the wrong path.  Drinking. Drugs. Sex.  Rock and Roll.  A "go to hell" attitude!

Geez!  I just don't want a similar fate for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your daughter and expressed your understanding of all she is experiencing and of how you had very similar experiences and of how it made/makes you feel?

Letting her know that you really care and feel for her, that you regret the poor choices you made when it happened to you, and that you want to be there for her in any way you can, may be just what is needed, possibly?

Being 45 doesn't erase your past.
It just puts it further behind you and these triggers have brought back all those memories and especially....the feelings related.

It would be soothing for your daughter to hear that her mother understands, wouldn't it?
What good things have you done since then, to improve your life, that have helped?
How did your thinking change and what wisdom can you teach her ahead of time, to help her avoid the same wrong paths??

[Anonymous]

Agree but not too much 'dumping' on your daughter, otherwise she might feel like she should be more interested in it?

My daughter's self esteem isn't tied to cheerleading like mine was

Maybe concentrate on her and what she does want to achieve, her interests, worries? Might take you out of your reaction and get to really enjoy the differencs between you. After all your reaction is to do with your mom, not your daughter.

[Anonymous]

sorry, more -

I just don't want a similar fate for my daughter.

Events don't make us what we are, it's how we respond. Your daughter seems ok, but are you sure? Is this what's eating you - not knowing for sure? Maybe she is okay. Ask her, listen to her and try not to think of her as being similar to you and your experiences. She's a completely separate, unique person with different hopes and fears!

[kelly as guest]

All good input.  In fact, since my daughter is not going to the National Cheer competition, (a competition reserved for the elite squad she is no longer on) I suggested that she do Spring Break with her friends.  She jumped on that and is planning it all.  I can tell she is not as devastated as I was over all this - hurt, yes - devastated no.  

It really is me.  The feelings are mine.  I have had conversations that her "career" is mimicking mine and I don't think she leans toward drinking and smoking, etc. but I do think she can get a bad attitude, like mine.  I don't want her living life with a chip on her shoulder against authority figures.  I have had that, too.  My Nmom (the ultimate authority figure) blew that for me.  I couldn't act out with her so I acted out with teachers and policemen and bosses....................now I realize that all that acting out only harmed me and not any of those people I was disobeying.  It just gave me a bad rep and I suffered from my rebellion.  

My daughter is so ready to go to college.  I told her this semester will pass quickly.  She is going to try out for college cheerleading so I encouraged her to go to the All Star gym and take tumbling classes and go to open gym but stand her ground that if she cannot be on the elite team that she chooses not to do it - not with a chip on her shoulder but because it is a decision she made after contemplating it.  No aggression.  No rebellion.  Now we'll see if she can do it.  My hopes for her is that she can.  Because I didn't and it cost me.

[Anonymous]

It really is me. The feelings are mine. I have had conversations that her "career" is mimicking mine and I don't think she leans toward drinking and smoking, etc. but I do think she can get a bad attitude, like mine.

Having a 16-year-old daughter, I've had some of the same thoughts. She isn't rebelling nearly as much as I did but her choices worry me sometimes. It's always hard for me to know when I am actually concerned for my daughter or crossed the line into my own plethora of experiences/emotions. It's a fine line, isn't it?

Sounds like you're working your way through it. Keep posting. One last thing, if this really continues to bother you perhaps journaling might be a tool to help you and prevent projecting this onto your daughter? Just a thought.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Kelly,

Maybe your daughter is less concerned about the situation than you were, and dealing with it pretty well because of support from her mom (you!)  

It sounds like the politics of cheerleading are as bad as corporate politics. Too bad teenagers have to deal with such ugliness. I consider cheerleaders to be the same as athletes and I don't trivialize it.

bunny

[serena]

All good input.  In fact, since my daughter is not going to the National Cheer competition, (a competition reserved for the elite squad she is no longer on) I suggested that she do Spring Break with her friends.  She jumped on that and is planning it all.  I can tell she is not as devastated as I was over all this - hurt, yes - devastated no.  

It really is me.  The feelings are mine.  I have had conversations that her "career" is mimicking mine and I don't think she leans toward drinking and smoking, etc. but I do think she can get a bad attitude, like mine.  I don't want her living life with a chip on her shoulder against authority figures.  I have had that, too.  My Nmom (the ultimate authority figure) blew that for me.  I couldn't act out with her so I acted out with teachers and policemen and bosses....................now I realize that all that acting out only harmed me and not any of those people I was disobeying.  It just gave me a bad rep and I suffered from my rebellion.  

My daughter is so ready to go to college.  I told her this semester will pass quickly.  She is going to try out for college cheerleading so I encouraged her to go to the All Star gym and take tumbling classes and go to open gym but stand her ground that if she cannot be on the elite team that she chooses not to do it - not with a chip on her shoulder but because it is a decision she made after contemplating it.  No aggression.  No rebellion.  Now we'll see if she can do it.  My hopes for her is that she can.  Because I didn't and it cost me.

I came from the epitome of middle class, professional families.  I rebelled (away from the home).  I smoke, I drank, I cut classes.  I flunked out at university in my first year.  I made really terrible life choices that hurt me and nobody else.  I chose the wrong boyfriends.  I chose guys I thought would 'tolerate' me because I was 'worthless', 'bad' and 'ugly'.

I am now 41 and in a wonderful marriage.  I realised only in my 30's that the fault did not lie with me, that I was a victim of an N mum who only had children because convention demanded it.  

I also went back to university, achieved a 2:1 in psychology and have the most wonderful job imaginable.

I surround myself with people who love ME and the rest are meaningless.

You understand as well as I do that your pain over your daughter is really you as a little girl / young adult being on the receiving end of CONDITIONAL love.  I hope with all my heart you surround your daughter with unconditional love - which I am sure you do.

SO WHAT if she isn't a cheerleader?  So what if she isn't the most popular girl in her class?

Focus on what matters for you and her:  LOVE - that in its' purest form between a mother and her child.  You won't go too far wrong!!

Kindest

[kelly as guest]

I really HAVE gone to bat with her.  I have called her coaches.  I have confronted what I consider to be unfairness by people.  And it is political.  I called the principal and told him I considered some of the try out politics unfair!

And it is funny that you mentioned journaling.  I honestly was looking at journals the other day thinking that it might be something that would help me.  But then I worry that someone might read my journal if I really let it all hang out.

When I THINK about it it makes no sense, but that doesn't keep me from FEELING negative feelings.  I don't think my daughter will make bad choices because I have never FORBID her from doing things (Like my Nmom forbad me to drink, smoke, cuss, have premarital sex, etc. - and guess what?  That's exactly what I did!)  I tell her that it is a stupid thing to start smoking.  And I tell her that drinking in moderation is ok - when you are of age.  And that premarital sex is not ok but if it ever happens, make sure you REALLY love that person - preferably your spouse to be.  But I have learned that when you try to manipulate someone into doing what YOU want - it often backfires.

I am going to try journaling - great idea!

[Anonymous]

Oh, and Kindest...............we must have been typing exactly at the same time.  I do show her unconditional love.  I care.  But my mom didn't care.  She says she didn't think I wanted her to go to my games or to be too involved.  I think that is an excuse to make her feel less guilty about neglecting me when I needed her.  Boy, I think I would have been ok if she would have called the school and complained about the try outs.  But for her to tell me to deal with it - I have felt so betrayed by her so many times.  Oh well, I cannot change the past or change the Nmom - but boy do I wish it had been different...................Kelly