wishing she was dead

[pinecone]

ok, now i do have a sense of humor about this, i am NOT going to kill her, but i do have the sense that i will feel better when my mother is dead - is this an illusion on my part? - or might i feel a small sense of relief?  her poison continues to spread, and when she is gone, so will be the poison - of course hate is poison - and i do hate her - she does nothing for me - just the opposite, she drags me down - i can barely stand to talk to her -

[Anonymous]

pinecone,

My MIL was a massive narcissist. I never thought she'd die, but she did. And my H's life and mine has been far better ever since. How's your mother's health?

bunny

[pinecone]

great question - my mother is 82, and basically in good health, although she has complained about health problems forever; i.e. migraine, arthritis, nothing life threatening - in fact, she IS her health problems - if all of a sudden she felt happy, healthy, who would she be?  so nothing ever helps her, no medication, treatment, NOTHING - and she has led a fairly stressfree life, due to my fathers constant enabling of her narcissistic pathology - he, so to speak, deserves her - she may outlive me, if i succumb to my substance abuse problems - or just life in general -
i wonder if the intensity of my feelings indicate the depth of unresolved problems - although they rear their ugly heads, i actually have a pretty good life, a wonderful husband and 2 great kids - the substance abuse is the killer - i will be grateful when she dies -

[liberation]

This is my first post.  I've been reading this forum for about a week.   What an eye-opener.  I never knew there was a narcissism disorder -- just thought that it was an ego problem.  

Anyway, after reading a bit I realize that my mother was a classic narcissist.  As a child, I lived in constant fear because she always talked about dying.  However, when she did die, it felt like I had been liberated from a prison cell.  I didn't know I was in prison because that's all I had ever known.

I love the name of this board -- Voicelessness.  That is exactly how I felt for so much of my life.  I had constant nightmares as a child, being trapped and in danger and trying so hard to scream but nothing ever came out.  My mother was never able to see me or acknowledge the needs of her children.  I can't hate her for that but I'm not going to pretend that I loved her either.

Anyway, pincecone, just wanted to share that and to assure you that you're not a monster for thinking those thoughts.

I hope you don't have to wait until your mother dies to find some peace.  I still feel rage when I meet people who don't see or listen to me, but now I understand that I can't change them and that I have to leave them be.
It has nothing to do with me.

[Cadbury]

I am pregnant with my ex N's child. He is 38 years old and in perfect health and I sometimes can't help wishing he were dead so that I didn't have to deal with him in my life for as long as he wants to stay involved with our child! It is wicked of me and I don't think I even really mean it, it's just the pain and distress he causes on a daily basis have me so low that I look for a way out. I shouldn't worry too much about it, I think it is natural to want release.

[patz]

Cadbury, Pinecone and Newbies:  I am a newbie to the Narc board but I am a suvivor and recovered from and father and significant other for the last 10 years.  I have posted here to let you know there is life after death and you must preserve, albeit painful, so that you can also see the rainbow.  None of you are crazy, the finest technique of Narc's " is the crazy making method" i.e. you made me do this and you made me do that, and if only you were perfect then the reflection I see in you is also perfect.  Welcome to the world of Narc's. Patz

[Anonymous]

My Ngrandmother died last month. My lovely Nfather did not tell me. He told me three weeks later on my birthday. Funeral and everything was already over. It was the mother of my Nmother.I have to admit I feel a bit relieved and everyone I told about it, told me I should feel relieved. Well, she can not justify or excuse my mothers actions anymore (I quit contact to Ngrandmother and Nmother about a year).

When a N is death, they finally can not hurt us anymore. Even if we have seperated long time ago from them, I guess we still will feel relieved.I think it also depends on the fact how long they have tortured us. When a ExNboyfriend from over 10 years ago, with whom I was just 1 1/2 year together suddenly dies, I think I would feel nada.

But with family member who have tortued us for a long time, we might feel a bit relieved. Thats is why it is good to seperate from Nfamily members as soon as possible. When I think after I will seperate from my father finally, (I live in his flat, not withhim but in his flat and I will move soon) the sooner the better.

I twenty year, if he would be still alive then and I too, and he would die then, I would feel nothing. Maybe like, that was my father I had some nice times with him but the older he got the more worse he got. If they die we remember the very last nice times if there was any and thats it.

Samantha

[Anonymous]

Dear Sam:  I cut off my relationship with my Narc father for the last 8 years of his life. His emotional abuse toward my mother (who was a marytr) and toward myself (a helpless child) was tremendous.  When he died I felt nothing toward him and was really relived he was gone and could no longer hurt anyone.  The relief you feel is great.  Patz

[pinecone]

thank you everyone - all who have validated my feeling that i am not horrible for envisioning the day when my "southern belle" narcissistic mother dies - if i can verbalize it one day, i do want to tell my story - one of being "depressed from birth" (one therapist said) - hospitalized at 20 years of age at 83 lbs., bulimic for 18 years -  crushed beneath HER, and my inept, passive, and absent father, and my GAY brother (whom she cherishes) - no validation of my feelings ever - in fact, totally dismissed and berated, degrated - They called me "Sarah Heartburn" - rage, rage, frustration, hatred of self - damn them, damn them!!!

responses, please!

[Anonymous]

Dearest Pinecone:  How I feel for you.  That is what Narc's do best is to devalue you as a human.  You must have had something very valuable as a person for them to degrade you so.  The devastation of the devaluation process by Narc's is incomprehensible to others.  Their goal in life is to make you invisible.  It has been my experience that the more abililties you have, the more a Narc is threatened.  It deminishes their perception of who and what they are and the "accomplishments" for which they have taken from others.  You probably have many abilities that you have not given credit to yourself for having.  The envy of your mother of that is apparent.  The only thing you did was to believe you did not have good, lovable qualities........after all your mother never told you this.  The only fault Pinecone is you belived her.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Dear Patz, thank your for your post and for your sentence, the relief you feel is great. That did so good for me. Thanks again, Samantha

[Anonymous]

Hello Pinecone.

You and I have quite a bit in common, ah think. I also have a "Southern Belle" narcisissistic mother. I would venture to say that they're the most insidious ones of all, simply because, for women of a "certain age", the Narcissism of The Southern Belle is culturally enforced and celebrated.. And so is female physical weakness and fragility, to a certain extent, where any malady from getting "the vapors" to "being on death's door" is somehow saintly. Just watch gone with the wind and imagine the nightmare hybrid of Scarlett (bad enough) and Melanie!

My mother threatens to die on us frequently, and has done so for as long as I remember. It can range from "My medical problems are special and incurable (not those exact words, but god forbid you should offer any hope - you'll be met with serious hostility of you dare - and she'll go find a new disease if necessary to stay incurable)" to "I just hope I live long enough to xxx....", with that awful pause while she waits for you to break down and cry.

I very often think, "All right already. Go on and die then."  But I don't say, at least I haven't yet. I have come close, though!

For a humorous but deadly insightful look at this and other Southern cultural weirdnesses, read Florence King's books:

Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady

Southern Ladies and Gentlemen

They're a hoot, and they do provide sonme insight into the Peculiar Southern Cultural Spin on narcissism and everything else.

If all else fails, laugh.

T

[bunny]

pinecone,

They've told you a lot of bad things about yourself but none of it's true. They need to shut up and go away. That's my thought and I don't think I'm bad.

bunny

[liberation]

What a coincidence!  My mother was from Atlantah and also had that Southern Belle Syndrome.  All of us kids knew exactly where to find her smelling salts when she had her fainting spells.

The whole time I was growing up I heard, "if I live until next Christmas...."  Well guess what, she went to the hospital on Thanksgiving and died a week before Christmas.  Needless to say, neither I nor my siblings care much for the holidays.

[serena]

My mother's favourite time of the year is Christmas.  She goes to great lengths to impress the neighbours with decorations, home-cooked treats etc.  The house looks fantastic!

She also loves it because with four daughters mostly coming home for the holidays, it gives her the opportunity to run amok in the Narcissistic sense.  It's like a merry-go-round or musical chairs and would be hysterically funny were it not so psychologically damaging - she 'picks' one and cannot go beyond Boxind Day without picking a major row!!

It was my 'turn' this year and she is still not talking to me - spurious reason as always.

I have phoned her 4 times since then to be on the receiving end of what we siblings call the 'dying duck' voice i.e. yes, no, don't call me again etc.

Guess what?  I'm taking her advice and will not be phoning..........

Just received "Why is it always about you" from Amazon today - will be reading it over the weekend and probably purchasing 3 more copies to send to my sisters.

Hate to be crude but f**k her and thank God I don't feel guilty anymore about saying that.