Thank you all for your condolences and messages. Unfortunately, I am still so stubborn as to think that my mother can show any empathy or care towards me whatsoever.
First, my grandmother specifically stated *twice* that she did not want a funeral so there will be no funeral. I have no idea what is going on because when I call my mother to see how she is doing, she doesn't make any sense. She doesn't ask me how I am doing or how I am feeling. I sent an email to my blood relatives (except for my father who I believe doesn't care one way or the other) suggesting that we take a 5 minute moment of silence and coordinate it so that it could be at the same time. My female cousin responded and we are preparing to do that tonight. In a state of vulnerability - after having listened to my mother talk about herself for one hour on the phone and not setting any time limits b/c I thought she needed me to listen....I finally piped up and told her about some of my childhood memories regarding my father. She then proceeded to tell me that she did not believe me, that the doctors "put all this stuff in your head" and I told her that she didn't have to believe me but I would like her to respect my memories even if she questions them. She can't do this. And it hurts. Last night, she started talking about some distant cousins of hers (that I didn't even know existed) and one, in particular, who "makes life hard on herself but that is her choice." I know this way of hers....I told her, "pardon me, but it seems like you are using this cousin to make a point about me. But, I think you misunderstand...I am getting better, I am happy and I can live with the truth (however painful it is) more than living with lies." She didn't understand. She continued to tell me that the reason I was having these memories was because I was "hanging out with sad people." I, again, told her that I didn't feel that way; that I had a support group and that I was getting stronger and gaining more confidence. And her next line, "you know damn good and well that I support you." I told her that if she could not respect my memories thus causing me to self-doubt myself, that I would pull back from her and I don't want to do this. She then said that I was trying to control her and said, "I don't like that one bit." But, then, eventually it came back to being about her. The woman down the street telling her, "your mother may be dead but I'll be your mother" and how she is living in the house that her mother lived in and breathing the same air as she breathed and on and on and on...and that I should pray to god for salvation. My cell phone then rang and I spoke to the person and said, *I will call you back. I am talking to my mother and she is really wound up.* When I came back to the landline, she had hung up on me. I was stunned. I called my friend back and she called me back. She told me that she heard me say "my mother won't shut up" and I told her that she misunderstood. Then, it dawned on me....yes, I am dealing with a 6 year old mentality. Coo...coo....coo...tell lies but never, never face the truth. I am just not about that. And the more this dawns on me, the more painful her denial becomes and I see if for what it is: she would rather bring me down emotionally and psychologically than listen with a caring ear. Someone told me recently, *if you feel threatened in a relationship, then there is no relationship. A relationship exists as an entity on its own that needs nurturing and caring.* The painful part, for me, is to stop being so stubborn and accept that my mother will never see the relationship between us that way. I want to be there for her in her time of need and she takes advantage of it. But she *appears* to others as she would like them to see her. She said to me, "you have a good heart and a good soul but you are messed up in the head." And I don't believe this for a second. But it still hurts to hear it. This is the transition: the more I stand up for myself, the more threatened she gets. Why is that?
Thank you everybody for listening to me now.
With love and an open heart,
Dawning.
