Trashing away...

[Anonymous]

Today, I went though a lot of papers, stuff from college, stuff from work in foreign countrys, old pictures and bills and so on.

I threw a lot of papers away. I collected the things between times, which I really loved (I kept the stuff) and times which are of none importance for me in my memory and I trashed that away. I also trashed old letters and pictures of my Ngrandmother away. Since she never admitted the abuse, I have received from my Nmother, well which she could not because she treated my mother, when she was child even worse then me, and my mother was left with a depression and now is kind of metall ill and N either, I had skipped contact with her a year ago. She died last month. I did not want to keep the letters and pictures, because I just felt that is would be not important for me anymore in my life. And really I do not remember any nice time with my Ngrandmother. There is nothing. She never attended my school or anything else like my mother. They both are very alike, just that my Ngrandmother was never depressed, she lived a wonderful life. She was like my mother never been there for me. Just got on a regular basis letters from her. For what I should keep them? They are as already said of none importance of me. I also trashed reminders and pictures of an old friend who became abusive last year and I had to skip contact either.  After I did that, I felt kind of relieved and like I have space and room again. I had a good feeling, like well, I can continue to go on with my life.

I do not need the pictures, letters and so on for my present and future life anymore. I am convinced that if times were not happy or impressive, why should I keep memories of them? No, I will just keep memories of the times in my life which are meaningful for me.

One thought hit me tonight: Things are changing, aren't they? We continue to live, but maybe we change views, friends and places, furniture, clothes, haircuts and so on. And then they are the changes we do not have control of, like new developments, progessive things like the internet or a changing in society and the world, changing in thinking and so on. If we do not move on, things are stopping and suddenly everything is different, but we are stock.

It is so different, when in former times people kept all the pictures of their relatives and siblings on the wall and today, I just throw it away. I really see no sense why I should keep them.

Any thoughts on that?

Samantha

[onlyrenting1]

Hi Samantha,

Maybe you keep old pictures and letters because of Emotion.

It's funny I have been working on my family geneology, my fathers side, I love every little piece of information, letters, pictures etc. I did not know my grandparents, they died when I was an infant. This is the only way I will ever know them. I have only heard stories about them, they are talked about with a lot of love.

she treated my mother, when she was child even worse then me, and my mother was left with a depression and now is kind of metall ill and N either

Smantha, I can so relate my Mother is an N, but her parents were even worse.

My mothers side my grandparents were Big N's, They were horrible to my mother and other siblings. I knew of them, my G-father just died.
My G-M is still alive.
I have little desire to know about this side of my family. I do have 2 or 3 pictures and no desire to have more.

I have so much more focus on the G-P that I never knew.
I can only imagine how wonderful it would have been to have them in my life.
But life has its way, I had G-P that lived on an on. I think if I had everything on their life I would not care about it for anything more than
they did exist and this is who they were.

I feel a lack of emotion or maybe a bad emotion for them.

Onlyrenting

[serena]

I felt like a bullet went through me this Christmas when I travelled home for Christmas.  My N Mother is ill, old and probably about to die.  I did everything I could to pander to her, make her happy.  

She engineered a massive row with me, causing problems between my sister, myself and my husband.  Thankfully, I am getting over this but - hey, no surprise - Mum is 'not talking' to me.  When I phone, she doesn't respond, so I have stopped phoning.

I am internally resigned to the fact that she might die before I speak to her again.  I feel no guilt but am distraught at the prospect.  

Although I feel secure within myself, I think her death will leave me in pieces because I think I'll be mourning the fact that I never had a mother.

Regarding photos etc. - My mother's house is stuffed with antiques, expensive items etc.  The day I walk out of there for the last time, I will shake the dust off my shoes.  I won't carry a single item with me.  I never want to be reminded of the mausoleum I grew up in.

What you did was probably very cathartic for you - I hope you feel better.

[Samantha!]

Dear Onlyrenting, dear Serena, dear all





 
Hi Samantha,

I have only heard stories about them, they are talked about with a lot of love.

My fathers family seems to be better either, but I had not much contact either, They cutted it short because of my Nmother. And unfortunately, after being married to my mother since over 40y years, my father has many Ntraits now either and is already or is on his wy to become a N either. Just yesterday, I discovered again, how dysfunctional the whole family of my mother is. None you want to have in our life.

I feel a lack of emotion or maybe a bad emotion for them.

I do not think that it is lack of emotion or bad emotion. It is just a natural response to people like that. Lack of emotion would be no empathy. Bad emotion would be rage or greed. Now that is just a natural response of your body to these people. Nothing we have to be ashamed or sorry about or think we are guilty to have these feelings.
 

I am internally resigned to the fact that she might die before I speak to her again. I feel no guilt but am distraught at the prospect.

That happened to my Ngrandmother and me. Last time, I spoke to her, she just hung up on me. I was upset about her, because she told my mother lies about me around. She always hung up on me, when I told her how bad my mother was. Well, after that I discovered that she was even more N, more selfish, lacking more empathy than my mother. So of course she could not admit how wrongful my mother is to me, because she was kind of similar. Okay, she had not the rage like my mother, but she was a very controlling and selfish person and did only thought about herself. So she saw no neccessity to think over that all and continued her life, like making holidays and visits like before. I do not feel anything about that, it was her decesion. They are N, they are always right, the other one has to excuse and so on. it is like with a game, it was her turn and if she did not turn, her loss.
 

Regarding photos etc. - My mother's house is stuffed with antiques, expensive items etc. The day I walk out of there for the last time, I will shake the dust off my shoes. I won't carry a single item with me. I never want to be reminded of the mausoleum I grew up in.

I can understand that, I guess I would do the same. Memories, we just do not need.

What you did was probably very cathartic for you - I hope you feel better.

I think so too. Thanks. Samantha