DOs and DON'Ts
I've been thinkin'. Dangerous, I know... LOL!
I think sometimes when people go through traumatic stuff... our inner "glasses" - the lens of perception through which we see, hear, feel and judge (discernment type judging) get permanently "set" to only recognizing the "don't" side of things. Instead of the "dos".
Again, it's probably better if I describe what I observe about myself. Limits and boundaries were brand-new concepts to me, when I heard about 'em in my 40s. I didn't really understand that I was allowed to exercise these in my life and relationships, just like other people did. And at one level, I didn't even know what they were, at all. I already had that inner commandment on my feelings, choices, behaviors -- to "not be like HER" -- engraved on my neural pathways... even when it was covered up by a lot of "her stuff" as a form of protective camoflauge.
So, what I've noticed is that my whole focus has been on NO; DON'T; DO NOT [be, think, feel, say, do... or ask].
The "don't" isn't any more (or less) important than the "dos". If one stops with just internalizing all the "don'ts"... there's still something "missing".
Especially, when one is having to struggle to change lifelong patterns of pre-emptively denying oneself, putting oneself last on the list, in a way... abusing oneself... because it's the "comfort zone", "normal", experience that one's lived with all one's life....... it's important to practice some kind of "do", over & over & over & over & over & over & over &.... until finally, the brain asks the question:
what ELSE could be a "do"? what else am I missing out on, because I've put all my energy, habits, mental focus on "don'ts"? After all, life is short. It is what we "make it"... in other words, what we train our perception, attention, and spend time being engaged in. I now know the value of limits, boundaries... and how to scale these, for different situations. Life's questions and dilemma's almost never have a "correct" or "one size fits all" answer... but I'm tempted to generalize on this point and say definitively - for me - it's about high time, I shift over to the "dos" and let the "don'ts" run on auto-pilot.
I've practiced brushing my teeth, taking care of them. I've practiced, getting my hair done - and letting someone else make decisions about what it should look like (because my perception, looking in the mirror is suspect; I don't trust what I think I see about myself completely...). I've practiced this for a few years... but haven't been able to add anything to that short list of "dos". The reason why, is that the filter in my brain first takes the emotional wish and turns it into a "don't".
I wanted to stop the emotional eating of potato chips, while reading -- my "numbing" equilibrium rebalancing bad habit. I really am not active enough to burn all those calories anymore. When I've had a bit of boundary-stress in social situations, especially... is when I was used to doing this. All that visual and sound stimulus makes me tense. People milling about like drunk ants on speed while shopping, herding kids and talking on the cell phone and not even SEEING the people around them, as people... is one that always gets me.
But, I'd framed that completely as one of those "don'ts": don't do X, don't feel X, don't, don't, don't. Well... that just DIDN'T (LOL) work for me. I think my "don't" list was already full and there wasn't any more room, for any new "don'ts". Plus - it left me wondering just how I was going to actively re-establish that "feeling" and "sensory" equilibrium again. Well duh: that requires a "do".
And I'd been taught a "do" - that this mindless eating, while filling my brain with the sound of words in my head, from a page - worked. And that because it worked, that mattered way more than any possible "side effects". Like 20 lbs. I need a new "do"!!!! And that "do" needs to feel just as important to me... so that I don't trip over the switch that triggers the "permission to reward myself inappropriately with the the precise thing that's causing the "side effect", because I've been a "good girl" -- and tried. So that I don't feel so overwhelmed - or assaulted by Too Much Other People's Sensory Environments - that I feel desperate and discouraged, and reach for the old security blanket... comfort-zone... what's worked in the past.
Do's need a lot of emotional care and feeding. Nurturing. Tending. Attention and Input. Feedback. They're needy little things! LOL. But if they are practiced - on schedule, the same time, the same way - over & over & over... then they can run on auto-pilot too. Dos come from "I wants".
And I still have trouble with "I wants"... like I'm still not sure it's SAFE to invest anything with so much importance, that I can clearly say: I want. That I'm allowed to want -- without the cosmic, karmic fates snickering somewhere, saying "Yeah, careful what you wish for....". I still expect that Dr. Jekyll | Mr. Hyde monster to come take away, or ruin... my "want"... to rain on my parade... to make me sorry I ever wished for anything... to make it perfectly clear to me that: I don't deserve anything at all except the crap that rolls downhill -- and that's my "lot in life".
Dos, however - can also create a Feedback Loop; just like the old Don'ts have their own feedback loop. It gets easier, the stronger the feedback loop is and there's still plenty of room on the "do" side of my list to add some more "dos". The mantra for taking the leap and "doing the do" is: Nothing bad will happen. Because really, statistically, 99.9% of the time nothing bad happens when I give myself permission to "do" some I want to do.
No matter what traumatic thing DID happen - once - that was bad enough to imprint it forever in how I engage with life. It was awful; and a very long time ago. It's positively SILLY of my brain to keep on expecting the same response from life, karma, or bad people now... and the "don't" list is getting really, really boring. I already know all of that. The only way to convince my brain that my "theory" is right is:
to start "doing" a bunch of things I "want" to do.
[I hope this seemingly rambly monologue of my own self-talk helps someone else find an "aha" for themselves...]
