Reading individuals comments on the Quora website about Narcissism. I'm not signed into the site. I guess it's one more thing I don't really want tracking my data as the public users provide the content and whatever Quora probably has a lot of cookies as a business model idk. Anyhow.
Sometimes simple words stand out to me. This user "Rachel Soltis" has written: "They are stuck in a state where their inner self and soul are unreachable." "There just simply isn't anything there to love... and they can never love you back."
https://www.quora.com/Why-does-a-narcissist-take-you-on-a-trip-and-then-argue-on-the-way-homeI've often used the word zombie-like to describe my mother maybe for a lack of other ways to understand it. I also don't often use terms like soul as it has so many religious connotations which I don't really want to link any of this to religious ideology.. .and yet the description about a Narcissist seeming like their INNER SELF or SOUL are unreachable... I guess again it's just another way of saying they seem emotionally dead aka "zombified"... like a walking lie. I have spent years and years and years reflecting from time to time on (What the heck is wrong here?!)
She also writes "if you are in their life, you serve the purpose of being the garbage receptacle for all of their negative inner turmoil."
Here is the thing. My mother's husband was going out of town so she invited me over to "do something fun." YES I KNOW THIS IS A HORROR-ABLE IDEA... but still I went to her place because I don't have any family around.
I put on some music and she complained about it. It was country music, she likes country music, but she didn't like "this kind" of country music. What she really means is there are only three or four musicians that she listens to. Okay whatever. I had been looking for movies the day prior that were somewhat Halloweenish but not scary movies right. We put on a FREE no pay one of course because she is cheap as fuck but also fine there are lots of free movies. So we put one on and afterwards she complained that she didn't like it that much. SHE did not look for a movie we could both watch. I had texted her a few recipes I thought maybe she might want to make a nice meal, watch a movie, be cozy as the weather is cold and rainy and stormy. She complained about all the recipes I found because she had never had them before. One was a german recipe she complained that it has pickles in it even though she cooks with pickles. One was a Fondue recipe... she said she had fondue twice a long time ago and didn't like it. The other was a pumpkin recipe which she never said anything about. Doesn't matter because I have food anyhow and ate some fried eggs.
She wanted to drive a long distance for no real reason so she could go to a store for nothing in particular and driving a long ways just seemed pointless to me. I asked her what she was looking for she said nothing. So really it seems she wants to KILL TIME aimlessly which can be fun IF you are with a friend who is fun. We are not friends and we are NOT fun.
I had suggested maybe we find something closer with less driving so we aren't on the road all day. She had said fine. She had mentioned going out to eat in the town where I had said..."there is a free museum, there are some art galleries... why don't we go there and we can get something to eat if you feel like it... so we went to this town she walked very quickly through the art museum.. I get it that one of the displays was not for everyone but still why not take a few minutes and read anything about the art...before we had went in there a restaurant smelled nice I said why don't we just get a small bite to eat... she didn't say anything... there was a fancy wine store, she is an alcoholic, I asked her if she wanted to go in, I like the smell of stale wine stores actually, I went in for a couple minutes, she sat outside and refused to go in. She started to complain she was tired. We left the town. We showed up 45 minutes early to this music event I wanted to check out... again FREE and all of it is just me researching stuff to do locally. She was weirdly twitching and looking around in the car. I can actually sit still haha AND I BROUGHT A book. I sat and read in the car for a while but I was by that point extremely angry inside. The pace at which she walked through the museum but not just the museum everything in that town really bothered me.. like why did we even come here.. Then she complained later that day that she had "already seen everything there is to see there" but she had agreed to go there and she had told me she had NEVER been to that museum. Then when we get there she says she has been there... but the thing is the exhibit changes anyhow.
Anyways so we are way too early in the next town over and so I'm pissed off reading in the car. She goes into the music thing and listens to some live music. I eventually come in after I just have some quiet time to myself in my own mind trying to figure out what I want to do if I even want to partake in anymore activities AS I START TO FEEL CONFUSED FROM WHEN SHE RUSHED THROUGH THAT TOWN SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO GO TO. But before she goes into the music event she also says "do you have anymore snacks?" She says this because I brought crackers, eggs, fruit slices etc. But the thing is we arrived super early to the music thing because she wanted to rush out of that town in a big hurry WHERE I SUGGESTED WE EAT. I guess it has a lot to do with her not wanting to sit down for a meal even though the day before she said she wanted to get fish and chips somewhere there... and she has actually taken her husband's daughter to that town to get fish and chips.. that is why she thought of it.. she has done it before she is on a routine.. I just suggested why not try something else in that town ... the whole place is like a tourist thing but it's a pretty nice tourist place LOTS of places to eat etc. She didn't want to eat anywhere then she is hungry.
Anyhow the mood was fucked, the cadence of the day was fucked. She wasn't visiting with me of course. She is just walking quickly on her own down the road ignoring me. I'm not kidding this is her idea of doing something "fun together."
It's all these little things about her that isn't easy to summarize to people and also nobody cares but me.
In the end the music place I had discovered by doing research online is pretty nice and there will be another concert there I might go to soon ALONE BY MYSELF just ME,MYSELF, AND i and other concert goers likely most of them musicians... so.
Anyhow by the end of the day with her I'm feeling SAD and unwell. I just don't feel good after being with her it's like everything about it. She had said like five or six times.. when is the music thing starting and I TELL HER AND I ALSO CLEARLY SAY... it's going on for a while we have plenty of time etc. I also know from experience that sometimes these things pick up half an hour into them because more musicians arrive as it's casual like that. But she has to arrive 45 minutes early and then she is just staring at the door of the venue to see if people are coming and going and commenting if she sees anybody coming and going as I stare at the pages of my book.
I'm not joking she rushes to show up early. I told her we don't have to rush to get there. She rushes anyhow SO SHE CAN STARE AT THE ENTRANCE. I just think she is weird as fuck rushing through a day making everything awful. I mean I also feel confused. The way I see it is... if you are hungry find a decent place and sit down and relax, you have nothing else to do, be cozy, look at the bad weather and then show up for music at the right time... but why fuck everything up by not being able to cooperate. Even if I tell her something multiple times she doesn't pay attention to what I am saying. This all makes me just feel confused. But also by the end of the day after reflecting now the entire day is sort of me trying to figure out what SHE WANTS AND WHY SHE IS DOING WHAT SHE IS DOING AND IF SHE IS WANTS TO DO THIS ACTIVITY OR THAT ACTIVITY. BLEH.
I mean is all of this so she can say "I spent the day with my daughter and my daughter was a bitch like usual"...
Ahhh and before we left the house to go out she called me into her bathroom to give an opinion about a shirt she had purchased. It was just a black shirt with sort of a masculine looking neckline collar going on. So she is looking at herself in the mirror wants to know what I think. I say well it's just a black shirt and she can wear it with other things but I tell her the shade and the neckline I think is a bit harsh with her complexion and I think the neckline looks very corporate and masculine. I grabbed a lightweight scarf and put it on her.. I said it would look better if something softened the neckline... and then she starts complaining that she "doesn't like scarfs" even though she has them, wears them.... etc. etc. and she starts getting really whining like... she is actually arguing with me even though she asked me for my opinion... you see somehow they can fucking argue about anythign and everything. I eventually say like "I don't give a fuck what you do with the shirt, wear it, return it, don't wear it whatever I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO." That is the fashion advice I gave her about her dumb shirt.
OH AND that's not all. While she had asked me for my opinion about the shirt she also told me to speak more quietly that I was being too loud... this is her most recent thing. But you know what there was nobody else there.. it's just the two of us. There is nobody else to disturb. I'm not even loud I am just speaking in a normal level of sound. I don't have strong lungs like some people just have resonant voice. I am just fucking talking at a normal decible.
Anyhow at the end of the day I tell her "you complained about the music, you complained about the movie, you didn't like the recipes and complained about pickles, you rushed out of the town and showed up to the music thing way too early, you said you were hungry but didn't want to stop and eat..." I forgot about the shirt thing. I mean it's really like 90% of every interaction is very difficult.
I told her that she could have put more thought or planning into the day but she hadn't come up with any ideas of what to do even though she said "I just need to get out of the house" "we can find something fun to do" ...
OH and there was also a parking lot of this seasonal venue here which she turned into because you have to turn quick or you miss it on the road... I said if you want to stop there it is and I pointed it out as I had already gone a week earlier. She drove right through the parking lot and left complaining as she drove through the parking lot that there were "too many cars."
It's NOT my job to entertain her. I told her about the book I was reading she had nothing to say about it at all.
Like honestly it's almost comical if it wasn't such a big waste of my time and frankly emotionally damaging somehow. This is pretty much her all the time when she is around me. She will act differently around her husbands family but this is her when she is around me.
Oh well. I think I will put a jacket on and go for a short hike today.
