Anything

[Anonymous]

Hiya'll:

Hey P!  Thanks for the pics.  I'm afraid I do need specs and can't see 'em real well but I get the idea.  I also peeked at the "stork's nest"!  Whooee!
So that's where storks come from eh?  Please tell us more about your Greece bear?

Hi Brigid:  Did you read many of Erma's books?  Boy!  I remember her saving my sanity more than once, when my guys were little!  She taught me not to be so serious!   Otherwise, I might have ended up being one of those stone-faced-bald parents (after pulling out all of my hair).

Lucky you for seeing that moose!  Did he smile at you?  Did he at least smile while you took his picture?  Wow!  And grizzly cubs too!  Aren't they sweet?   I'd be headin' for the hills if I saw mama though!  Wonder what happened to her?

And Mudbrother!  How the heck did you almost manage to ....sit....on several rattlesnakes???  You have one lucky arse!!!   I think the mountain lion woulda been my scariest moment!  Those fellas will jump you just for entertainment value!

I haven't had any close calls with cows but that's because the closest I usually get to them is the bar-b-que.

And those blood curdling noises in the bush!  I've heard some of those too.  What the heck are they?  Nobody seems to know. (I tend to think...."Deliverance".....just slightly paranoid eh?).

Well.....here I thought I had a pretty good bear story (I've only had close encounters with big old black bears).  But.....I can't top almost sitting on several rattlesnakes or flying over fences with mad cows after me.  I doubt many can.

Aw well.....there's still time...I think??     But I'm a city slicker camper now.....only going to my safer than any tent cabin in the woods.  Still....I did have a disagreement with a porcupine once.    

GFN

[Brigid]

GFN,

Still....I did have a disagreement with a porcupine once.

Hopefully, you did not almost sit on it like Mudboy did with the rattlers.  Now THAT could be a REAL pain in the arse.    

I have not read any of Erma's books, but they have been on my list for a few years.  Too many others just keep climbing up to the top, however.

I don't think anything bad happened to the mama grizzly.  She may have been lurking around or maybe they had been kicked out of the den and told to make it on their own.   I know a few parents who would be wise to do that same thing.  

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi all!

Brigid:

No.  I did not almost sit on that porcupine and I will gladly tell that little tale, some time, if anyone wants to hear it but NOT  until my brother, Mudbuddy, tells us alllll about how NOT to sit on rattlesnakes (and I don't think he's in the mood for that right now but I'm quite willing....to wait!! )

In the meantime, I found this.....to help us all ease our stress:



Stress Management Technique
 
In case you've had a rough day, I would like to recommend the following stress management technique that has been recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
 
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
 
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air .
 
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
 
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"!
 
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
 
6. The water is crystal clear.
 
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
 
See! You're smiling already.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hi GFN, Portia, et al, as the lawyers say,

and I don't think he's in the mood for that right now but I'm quite willing....to wait!!

GFN,
Your post on the dreams thread actually helped me out. I have faith October will know I wasn't directing anything at her. She's a kind and sympathetic lady. Wait a minute....
(((((October)))))
Hope that helps.

I said I almost sat or stepped on several rattlers. I only almost sat on onlyone, that I'm aware of.
When I was a mere pup I was playing in the dirt as was my wont (still is), when I decided to fetch a more proficient digging implement. Upon my return I espied a mere pup of a rattlesnake coiled up not six inches from where my hind most parts had been suspended over his fortunately dozing noggin. He was soon sleeping with the fishes, as our Sicilian friends say.
All other encounters have been by foot or bicycle; three I can think of being within about six inches of treading on the rascals.
As far as mountain lions, I had one cross right in front of my truck a few years back and then while in the woods a couple of years ago I heard but never saw one pretty darn close. I only realized what it was after I saw the tracks.
The unidentified noises I think were also mountain lions. They let out some gawdawful squawks at times.
I was also once attacked, in my truck, for approximately 15 minutes by an amorous grouse. However that story will have to wait until after we hear about GFN's close encounter of the porcupine kind.

mudpup

[Brigid]

GFN & Mudpup,

  I am taking a break from pouring over the hundreds (probably thousands) of sheets of paper in regard to the financial aspect of my divorce.  We are meeting with the mediator tomorrow and I want to be as prepared as possible.  Even though I pay my attorney a fortune and he hired a forensic accountant, (to whom I have also paid a great deal) I still feel like I need to point things out to these guys as I am so familiar with how the business operates.  

I really needed a laugh right now and I knew you two would be up to the challenge.

GFN said:

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

I most certainly can.    What a great stress reliever.  Thank you for that serene image.   Its probably easier than pounding sand up his a$$.

 

Mudpuppy said:

I was also once attacked, in my truck, for approximately 15 minutes by an amorous grouse.

Now this I gotta hear.  GFN, hurry up and tell the porcupine story so Muddy has to tell us about the amorous grouse.  Were you particularly feathery that day Muddy?  Or was it a blind grouse?  You must give off some very interesting pheromones (sp?).

Brigid

[Stormchild Guesting]

The Amorous Grouse?

Sounds like a British rock band.

[Anonymous]

Welll...ok but it's not a very exciting story.  I'm only telling it because I want Muddy to cheer up and because I too am dying to hear about this military grouse.  

Although my tale does have things in common with yours about the arse Mud, like sitting... and almosts... and mountain lion-like beings (well that wasn't the same story but who's counting)...and stuff.
And I was an full grown person, not a little tyke like you, at the time, Mud.

There had been warnings about a bob cat in the area.  We don't have mountain lions but we do have cougars and bob cats.   They're pretty big cats and they like to eat just about anything, or anybody who looks interesting or like it might be fun to play with.  Anyway, one was spotted close to my cabin and I was told about it.

I have this really bad habit of liking to sit outside, when it's really late and dark, and nobody's around,... listening to the sounds and gazing at the stars and the sparkling water.  So, on this particular night in question, that's what I was doing.  Kids were snoring inside the cabin.  Dog snoring inside, in time with kids.  Me, sitting in chair, by the door, just outside of the cabin, keenly enjoying the night and it's wonders.

Except this night I had forgotten to put the bar-b-que back in the shed (where it is kept, after use, to avoid attracting bears and such).  It was dark enough... but light enough to see a couple pair of legs...thick, strong, hairy bob cat-like legs..stepping behind the bar-b-que.  The rest of the body was hidden by that handy gadget.

At this point, most normal people would have high tailed it inside and awakened the dog.  But not me.  Oh no.  That curiosity gets me almost killed every time!!!  Almost.

So, I stay there sitting and watching and waiting for Mr. Bob to waltz out and give me a good look at him.  I want to see him and enjoy him for just a moment before I speed-leap inside (I'm stupidly confident in my speed-leaping abilities).

The legs move...and you guessed it...it wasn't Mr. Bob at all, it was a lovely porcupine.  He walked toward me.  Beady little eyes glaring right into mine.  Almost smiling at me.  He was about 10, maybe 12 feet away when I decided that was quite close enough thankyou.  So I stood up.

He didn't care.  He kept coming.  "Get lost!"  I ordered in my firm, assertive scare-away porcupine voice.

Notta.  On toward me he walked.  He was about 2 feet, 1 inch, 3mm away when I decided to stamp the ground with my stinky feet and roar at him, raising my arms high and waving my hands, to look like a giant and the biggest threat to all porcupines ever known!!!  As soon as I did this, I grabbed a fair sized stick (one I kept handy just for an occasion such as this) and smashed on the ground, by my foot, and it broke.  A piece flew off in some direction away from both of us.  We both watched it go.

No effect whatsoever.  Onward he came, except now he raised his pines to their extreme position.  What a display!!  Magnificent!!!  Wonderous!!  No wonder he's not afraid of much.  Those things are truly nasty looking up close!!!  Too darn close!!!  12 inches or less!!   Woopsie!!

I decided instantly that he had won the argument.  "Ok, you win!", I said.  He was coming my way and I exitted very quickly and quietly.  Gave him his space, (which was my space but who's counting that either), as he was obviously demanding it.  He moseyed around for awhile and then....waddled off to some other place better.

I was a tad nervous about going back out but I did it, after awhile.  I put the bar b que in the shed to sleep.  And I haven't forgotten to do it since.

Neither snoring dog nor child awoke to save me.  No one heard my ferocious stamping and roaring or desperate stick breaking.  So I found a large, hard-wood-4inch thick-beaver-chewed-taller-than-me-good-solid-seemingly-less-breakable-stick, the next day.   Put a good coat of Sikens on it.

And there it stands beside the door and my chair.  When people ask I say:

"Oh that's my porcupine-disagreement-dog-fight-breaking-up bear-nose-poking-bob-cat-striking stick.  I keep there just in case."

GFN

[Anonymous]

It's late and I almost forgot:

Good luck tomorrow Brigid!!  My prayers for you tonight my dear sister!

And for you too Mud.  ((((Brigid)))  ((((Mudpuppy))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Stormchild wrote:

The Amorous Grouse?

Sounds like a British rock band.

Sorry I was too tired to post any more last night but I wanted to add:

Ya.    Now can you picture that???   Or maybe....the Grouse was one of those rockin' types?

Did he have armor on, or an electric guitar on his hip, Mud??

Now I'm really curious???

GFN

[Anonymous]

Good evening all,

                                  The Amorous Grouse
                                       A Love Story
                                            sort of

First, while the protagonist of our story was in a very agitated state brought on by his raging hormones no doubt, you would be mistaken if you thought that I was the object of his affection.

Quite the contrary; he looked upon me as an intruding Lothario. A threat to his lady fair, whom he had apparently stashed away out of sight.
While she may have been pining for me and for all I know quite voluptuous, I have never felt particularly attracted to any of our fine feathered friends, with the exception of those that are baked, broiled, fried, breaded, fricasseed or otherwise immobile, plucked, cooked and awaiting my fork.
And so began our epic struggle alone and unwitnessed......

 I was slowly driving down a dirt road out in the woods one spring day when I saw something dash across the road in front of my truck. I stopped and leaned over to the passenger window and looked down to see a rather cross looking grouse. I'm not sure what made him look cross but it was unmistakable.
I leaned back to my side and started to get out to see what was up with this little fart of a bird. (a grouse is about the size of a small chicken)
As I put my boot out to step down, the little bugger came out from under the truck and delivered a tremendous blow to my boot with his beak. Well as tremendous as a bird the size of a small chicken is able.
A tad bit taken aback, I retracted said boot and closed my door. Looking out my window I got the distinct impression his nibs intended to join me in the cab of my pickup momentarily. I hastily rolled up my window, mainly to prevent him from injuring himself if he got in the cab but also because that whack on my boot was pretty stout.
Just as my window closed he assumed a perch on my mirror and began knocking the tar out of my window with his beak, about an inch from my nose.
Somewhat stymied, he worked his way around to my windshield, took a grip on my windshield wipers, and began bashing my windshield with the same disappointing results, at least from his perspective.
He eventually fluttered up on to the top of my cab gave a few whacks and then onto the bed rail. He spent several minutes probing for weaknesses in my defenses at various points on my truck. Finally he jumped down off the back at which point I figured I should take off before he hurt himself. I got about a hundred yards up the road and looked in my rear view mirror. The little nut was about fifty yards behind me, mobating up the road as fast as his little feet would carry him, his head jerking from side to side. I took off around the turn and stopped about a hundred yards farther up the road again. Presently, tilting to the side to compensate for his speed, he came screaming around the turn, his little feet a blur.
Again I took off.
He stopped.
I stopped.
He started up after me again .
 I took off.
He stopped.
I stopped.
The same result.
I finally figured he would die of a heart attack if I didn't leave, so I did.

Because I high tailed it out of his territory, he was no doubt the victor, although I'm sure his lady friend was sore disappointed to see me leave. Evidently I'm irresistable  to any member of the fairer sex.    

I never saw his missus but she must have been one hot mama, considering the effort he undertook to eject me.
Evidently he was a breast man; if you've ever seen a grouse's legs you know why. They never shave.

So if you're ever out in grouse territory in the spring with a man, make sure you're carrying something like GFN's porcupine stick. Oh, and a frying pan might come in handy also. Maybe some onions and garlic. A little olive oil. Some marsala sauce would probably finish him off just nicely.
                                           The End

As you can tell I got my phone calls and paperwork done early today and had a little time to kill.
I hope it was everything everyone dreamed it was. It sounded a lot more boring in the retelling than in real life.

mudpup

[Stormchild Guesting]

Snort, giggle, giggle, snort, muffled howl, snort.

Twice.

First, envisioning that tiny little Yosemite Sam screeching to a halt at the end of the logging road, watching your dust plume trail off into the distance, and shaking a nonexistent fist in your general direction while hollering, "Right! and STAY out!"

At the same time, I have this image of an entire (male) rock band whaling away at various bits of your truck with their guitars, drumsticks, microphones... with no idea on earth of why they feel compelled to do it, man, it just seemed, like, totally natural at the time, you know? Obviously the truck emerges entirely unharmed, not so the instruments, and when everything is held together by strings, splinters, and wires they all look at each other, shrug, and wander off into the brush... on the back of all their t-shirts is the band's logo, "The Amorous Grouse", which is, of course, a little bitty teeny weeny bird, hightailing it after a logging truck.

What color's your truck, mud? Do ruffed grouse males have a chest or tailfeather display of a certain color? You might have waaaaaay outclassed the boy.

Snort giggle snort snort giggle giggle giggle....

[Brigid]

Mudboy,
Since I am reading your Tale of Two Feathers right before going nighty-night, I have a sneaking suspicion that I may have a dream about you again tonight.  But rather than rolling in the mud, frollicking and laughing, I think you will be strutting your tail feathers  trying to attract yo new mama.  

OK I'm too tired for this.  I'll keep the pen close by.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the story Mud!

What an amazing writer you are!!!  I want your next book, please, please, pretty please!!!  Too funny and vivid!  As far as grouse (grice??) stories go......that's the best I've heard yet!!  Sure beats my one little experience of seeing one on a similar dirt road and watching him display himself for his mate (dance for all of us, in the middle of the road).  They're such cool birdies aren't they??

At the same time, I have this image of an entire (male) rock band whaling away at various bits of your truck with their guitars, drumsticks, microphones... with no idea on earth of why they feel compelled to do it, man, it just seemed, like, totally natural at the time, you know? Obviously the truck emerges entirely unharmed, not so the instruments, and when everything is held together by strings, splinters, and wires they all look at each other, shrug, and wander off into the brush... on the back of all their t-shirts is the band's logo, "The Amorous Grouse", which is, of course, a little bitty teeny weeny bird, hightailing it after a logging truck.

Stormy, you have one of the most extensive imaginations I have ever seen written in bytes.  May I please have your next book too??  Please, please, pretty please, as well?

Brigid:

I may have a dream about you again tonight. But rather than rolling in the mud, frollicking and laughing, I think you will be strutting your tail feathers trying to attract yo new mama

If so, I hope you will post it on the dream thread so it can be properly analyzed and all value/meaning/etc excised and brought into good view!!

     

GFN

[Anonymous]

I don't think......I've posted this here yet....have I???


SIPPING VODKA


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.



Gave me a good giggle!

GFN

[Brigid]

Me TOO, GFN.    

Thanks  

Brigid