I'm sorry I didn't mention about the sexuality part. But I did say the site can be provocative. The content of site has other topics besides human sexuality.
If nobody minds, I will post the article on "guilt and blame" here, so those who abhor/detest some of the topics on the website can read it here. At first glance, this article initially sounds like about a homosexuality relationship, however, if you read on, it's talks about the deeper issue of blame and guilt in any kind of relationships.
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"Blame and Guilt in Relationships" " I'm in the dog house again with my wife.
I don't know what I did,
but from the way she's reacting it must be pretty bad! "The Blame/Guilt game has two players. The person who blames. The partner who says and does things with the intent to make the other person feel guilty. And the receiver of blame. The partner who takes on the guilt.
I've been in both a marriage and a gay partnership and in both relationships I attracted lovers who used guilt as their "tool of choice" in letting me know "I'd done something wrong." After years of struggling to get out from under this blanket of twisted emotions and painful conflicts I've finally come to understand the pattern and role of blame and guilt in a relationship.
My objective here is to share my insights on the topic so you can move through any patterns of guilt or blame you might have much quicker and more painlessly than I did.
Here are some General Concepts:
1. There is no such thing as healthy guilt!
2. Blame is a manipulative tool used by someone who feels powerless to gain control.
3. The objective of blame is to make the recipient feel the same powerlessness.
4. The tool of blame only works to the degree that the recipient is willing to feel guilty.
5. Blame & guilt are a patterns learned in childhood (by both the sender & recipient) that must be released in order to have an effective and harmonious relationship
6. It only takes one partner to drop their part of the pattern to solve the conflict
What does Blame/Guilt look like in a Relationship?
As the initiator, it's finding blame in your partner for unpleasant emotions or situations that you are experiencing. You feel things are being done "to you," beyond your control. That you are a victim of circumstances that only your partner can control (and you must suffer with.) A feeling of powerlessness.
As the receiver, it's your partner blaming YOU for making THEM feel bad. When someone blames you for doing something, and you start to feel bad, you have gone into the pattern of guilt. You feel guilty for something you did or didn't do. It's often a sense of powerlessness accompanied by a feeling that you can't do anything right. That no matter what you do, you're wrong. At it's extreme the situation seems very illogical (the other person's reasoning makes no sense) yet you somehow feel trapped in the situation anyway.
Here is an example: I felt like I wanted to get out of the house, to go to the park and spend time with a friend of mine. I decided to go to the park that my wife and I always go to. When I tell her I'm going to the park with my friend, she gets upset. She says I'm not spending enough time with her and that she wants to go out too, but now she will be stuck in the house. That we never spend time at the park together anymore. (When we had just last week.) I argue that she is wrong and she starts to get emotional and starts yelling. Not liking the argument, I walk out feeling angry and confused. Later, after the anger calms down, you feel guilty and confused.
What is REALLY going on? A focus on being the powerless victim
The person has the pattern of putting the control for aspects of their life outside of themselves. They play the "victim game." They pretend that they are innocent victims to the world around them. Powerless to control their lives because of what other people are doing TO THEM. They feel they are trapped in a situation that is beyond their control. They see other people doing things that appear to limit their choices and freedom. Rather then seeking alternative ways of getting their needs met, they fixate on what is "blocking" their needs from being met. They can only see the "injustices" that other people are doing to them and how others are blocking them from attaining what they need. Life is something that is done "to them," rather than something that they can control. They feel powerless and will do whatever they can to try to regain control over the situations in their lives. Blaming is useful in exerting some control over other people.
Your own perceived inadequacies (weaknesses) brought forwardThe person has the pattern of feeling that some aspect of what they think, say and do is always wrong. That people will be unhappy with their decisions and that what they most want to do is not right. That people will always seek to find fault in them. So as a result they try to hide the aspects of themselves they feel are wrong. They try to keep their perceived weaknesses secret and hidden.
Any secrets that they have will trigger self guilt. Any aspects of their life that they believe to be wrong or places they feel inadequate, will also trigger self guilt. In the end the "blamer" is merely pointing out guilt or shame that already exists in the mind of the "guilter". They are pointing it out because they noticed the "guilter's" perceived weaknesses and feel they can use it to exert some control.
So looking at the example about going to the park, here is what is happening:
My wife was choosing to feel upset because she felt I didn't want to spend time with her. She was choosing to feeling rejected and left alone. That she was now stuck in the house, the victim of something beyond her control. I say choosing, because she could also have chosen to view the situation as now having time to go do something with one of her friends. The issue is really that she puts herself in a viewpoint of not having any control over the situation. Rather than seeking another way that she could get her needs met (without me.) She makes herself a victim.
I was tripping over my OWN guilt over feeling like I "should" be spending more time with my wife. Feeling my OWN guilt over choosing the same "romantic" park that my wife and I went to. I was also feeling guilty over spending time with a friend whom I felt very close to and the hidden secret (from my wife) that I felt very sexually attracted to my friend. The bottom line is that it was all my own "stuff" that I was feeling guilty over. I tried to just pretend my guilt didn't exist and hoped it would go away. It was just that my wife was bringing the guilt to the forefront because I was choosing to NOT be conscious of my guilt and release it.
Where does the Blame/Guilt Pattern come from?On a large scale, blame and guilt are societal patterns that are primarily products of demented religious organizations that have employed guilt and blame to control the populations. The old, "Do something we deem wrong and you'll burn in hell!" thing. (Seach the web for "Spiritual Abuse" for more info.)
On a localized scale, like most patterns, they come from situations in your early childhood. They are often reactions to or imitations of patterns that your parents had. A wife who uses blame to control the husband often had a mother who used blame to control the father. A pattern of guilt is an internalization of being told that you were a bad kid. You actually take on and believe that there are aspects of yourself that are inherently bad (when it's not true).
Like most patterns they can be very deeply emotionally rooted and effect EVERY area of your life in ways that are mostly transparent to you. But no where are these patterns more apparent then in your interaction within a relationship.
Relationships have the magical ability to bring out all your best qualities, and all of your negative patterns. The purpose is to become aware of the patterns, and to release them. But often these patterns are so transparent that all you notice is your partner behaving towards you in a manner that does not make you happy.
What to do about it:1. Recognition
To see the pattern clearly and understand how it plays out in your life is the first thing that needs to happen. It's not until you can see the dynamics of the pattern that you can even realize what is going on. If you are reading this, you have already take a HUGE leap into this first step.
2. Responsibility
Realizing the role that you play in the pattern is the second step. It is often SO easy to simply blame your partner for THEIR component and not see your own component. While you are most likely right in identifying your partner's flaws, they are beyond your control. There is nothing you can do about your partner's patterns, you can only solve your own. The hard part is to take responsibility for YOUR part of the pattern. For blamers to see that they create themselves to be powerless victims. For guilters to see that they are harboring unprocessed guilt in their own minds. To see how you contribute to the conflict and realize that only YOU can actually change YOU. (There is the old saying, "When you point your finger at someone else, there are at least 3 fingers pointing back to you!") Focus only on your own pattern, pointing fingers at your partner is a waste of time.
3. Releasing
Find out what it takes to release YOUR pattern.
Realizing that the pattern IS NOT YOURS, does not belong to you, and NEVER belonged to you; that it was fed to you as a child and you just kinda took it on without questioning it, often helps you to release it.
For me realizing that this pattern is in the way of me reaching my highest spiritual potential as well as blocking my fulfilling my purpose in life is a powerful motivator. That God's vision of me is of a person who is whole, perfect and complete... and does not include this pattern. God sees me as free of this pattern. Asking for spiritual intervention, assistance in having the pattern removed, taken away. And acknowledging that I learned anything I needed to learn from this pattern and that I am now done with it. All these things assist me in letting go of patterns.
Look for the things in your life that support you in staying in a victim space. Friends, groups or activities that encourage you to be a victim will keep you in the blame pattern. Let go of anything that is not PERSONALLY EMPOWERING in your life. Analyzing the various aspects of your life will show you where you do things that keep you small and unempowered.
The biggest suggestion I have for you is to join the group called "Alanon." While it's a program that's designed for children and spouses of alcoholics, it is powerful regardless of what you consider your "reason" for why you are a victim. This 12 step program has a powerful ability to completely turn your life around and put YOU back in control of it. To give you back your serenity and peace of mind. It's primary purpose is to re-empower you to let go of the need to be the victim.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Look for the things in your life that promote your feeling bad or wrong. Friends or Religious organizations that encourage you to feel guilty. Move away from anything in your life that does not empower you or promote your finding the perfection that you really are. Find the strongest aspects of guilt you carry in your life and begin to work at debunking these things. In the end the objective is to let go of ALL guilt, all shame and all secrets. (This website is part of my process of doing just that!)
Secrets are things you are unwilling to share over fear the other people will judge you as bad. Practice radical honesty. Always "Tell your truth, and tell it quickly." Eliminate any secrets from your life by being completely open and honest in all ways at all times. The freedom you will find from this practice is IMMENSE!! Guilt can't hide in the light of day. Aim to have NO SECRETS from anyone and then guilt has no place to hide in your mind. This especially includes being honest with YOURSELF.
Here are some things that have worked powerfully for me in breaking down guilt:
A lot of guilt programming comes directly from your religious upbringing. Deprogram it:
Join a group/organization that believes in the innate perfection in man. The Church of Religious Science or Unity Church are two good examples. Joining a supportive organization will give you the tools and backing to change your belief system. To realize that you were NOT born inherently sinful. That you were born in the "image and likeness of God." That anything else is a lie.
Read "Conversations with God" Books 1,2,3 by: Neale Donald Walsch
Read "Tomorrow's God" by: Neale Donald Walsch
These books have single handedly trashed more bullshit beliefs from my brain then from ANY other single thing I have ever done! I can't say they will do the same for you... but what do you have to lose by trying??
If you are intellectual, research on the internet and read about the opposite of whatever you think is wrong with you. If you think there is something wrong with you sexually, read about people who are happily doing and living what you think (incorrectly) is wrong or bad. If you think you are too fat, read about people who are happy being larger. If you think your views on some topic are messed up, read other people who share the same views but think of them as being beneficial. In other words, change your thinking by getting a different and empowering viewpoint.
Gently start challenging your guilt by taking action
Example: I had an immense amount of guilt around the issue of my sexuality. I had guilt about possibly being gay and liking anal exploration. The more I began pushing my comfort zone by exploring these areas the more the guilt vanished. Today I am openly gay and have my own web pages on anal sex... it's safe to say this guilt is no longer a part of my life!
4. Vigilance & Support
The final step is to work towards paying conscious attention to your patterns and any other places in your life they might show up. Work towards COMPLETE FREEDOM from the pattern. Continually focusing on being completely free of your pattern will bring up any areas that may be lingering until you have completely freed yourself from the pattern.
Getting support is also very helpful. Talking with and spending time with people and organizations that can support your freedom and empowerment are extremely useful. Seek out people and organizations that can support you, avoid anyone who does not empower you.
