4 phone calls and 4 voice mails from ex-N today - I'm mad

[bludie]

Hi,

I'm ticked off and upset. I'm on the phone with clients this morning and had to screen four separate calls. I now know his new cell phone. The voice messages were disturbing. Among the rants, he claimed antiques were missing from his storage unit. Didn't want to phone him back but called the movers since I had hired and paid for them. It would have been my contractual obligation. Anyway, I suspected he was lying (I guess the stuff is still in storage but in a few weeks he'll be moving - most likely with his new squeeze in some Hyde Park crib or something).

In his first message he raged that I owed him money and stuff was missing. In his second message he almost sounded human and compassionate. He started with: "Look, there's something I want to say from my heart..." The upshot of it was to say he had been treated poorly (since I won't return his phone calls and have blocked him from my life in every other conceivable way) and he was disappointed that I wasn't being more of an adult (taking the bait and responding to his calls). He went onto say that he could accept the ill treatment but couldn't "leave the money on the table" that he feels is his due.

His heartfelt message was about him. Duh? What was I thinking?! Could it have to do with anyone other than his needs, wants, slights, hurts??

Without getting into financial details, he kept one place and I kept the one I'm in....He sold his. I'm hanging onto mine. He wants his portion of down payment money on my place. I'm not hurrying to cough it up. He left me and my daughter in a strange city with a huge mortgage and no bonafide job. Fortunately, I have developed a consultant business and have managed to land on my feet. But if you tabulated what I gave up to move here (salary, retirement, health insurance not to mention blood, sweat, tears and other punitive damage) his down payment money is paltry.

Further, I'm in grad school now so I have to watch finances. The letter of the law is on my side. It says I owe him nothing and he knows it. His only option is to harass, scare and alternately appeal to my humanity. His strategy is backfiring. The nastier and more bothersome he becomes, the less likely I am to do anything his way.

His last statement really hurt: "I can accept how you've treated me but I won't accept leaving money on the table." Translation: You meant nothing to me, babe. All I'm concerned about is the jack."

Anyway, in between client calls/appts. I've had all calls formally traced. I am going to the police department tomorrow and file a formal complaint. The phone company said they can't block his number. This would be the second phone number change for me inside of six months. I don't want to do it. He'll think he can make me flinch. More importantly, it disrupts communication with personal and professional contacts. Not to mention how my daughter feels when she has to tell her school, Dad, and friends that our phone number changed again.

Once I talk to the PD I may contact my lawyer again. But all of this makes me feel like I am back to hoop-jumping because of an idiot.

Am I pole-vaulting over mouse turds? I am angrier than I've ever been about this situation. Just when I feel I am turning a corner, he's back. I'm sick of the drama. Sick of the adrenaline. Sick of the disruption in our lives. Thanks for letting me vent an irrational blue streak!

bludie

[Anonymous]

I'm ticked off and upset. I'm on the phone with clients this morning and had to screen four separate calls. I now know his new cell phone. The voice messages were disturbing. Among the rants, he claimed antiques were missing from his storage unit. Didn't want to phone him back but called the movers since I had hired and paid for them. It would have been my contractual obligation.

This is just a ploy to get you to invest time/energy on his behalf. Don't call the movers any more. He can investigate his own missing antiques. It's not your problem anymore.

In his first message he raged that I owed him money and stuff was missing. In his second message he almost sounded human and compassionate. He started with: "Look, there's something I want to say from my heart..."

More manipulation to get you to hear his crap.

 

The letter of the law is on my side. It says I owe him nothing and he knows it.

Then I hope you won't give him any money.
 

His last statement really hurt: "I can accept how you've treated me but I won't accept leaving money on the table."

I'd be laughing at him. He sounds like a fool!

Anyway, in between client calls/appts. I've had all calls formally traced. I am going to the police department tomorrow and file a formal complaint.

Good idea unless you can simply delete any phone message from him, unheard, and then you don't even have to bother. You can also get a lawyer to write a letter asking him to cease contacting you. Someone else on this board (or somewhere) suggested that.

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Bludie

Am I pole-vaulting over mouse turds? I am angrier than I've ever been about this situation. Just when I feel I am turning a corner, he's back. I'm sick of the drama. Sick of the adrenaline. Sick of the disruption in our lives. Thanks for letting me vent an irrational blue streak!

Sorry, you can't shake this guy. Maybe the mouse turds are all there is, because he is a mouse. You are so much smarter than the silly little mouse trying to get thru the cracks in your very strong foundation.

Bunny, always has good thoughts and insights.

Hang in there don't let him ruin your day. He knew he would cause you aggravation when he called you. This was his well thought out plan.

you have his cell phone number now, sell it to some sales department so they call him everyday. Maybe next time he will think twice before he calls you again.....

Take Care Hugs to you...onlyrenting

[Chandra]

Bludie,

Sorry you are going through all this..... Sounds REALLY awful. But here's the upside: the fact that you are so angry and see him so clearly for who he is (a complete and utter jerk) is far better than an earlier stage where you were missing him and longing for him and wishing you were still with him. I don't know your entire history, but I imagine feelings like that were part of it. And you have definitely progressed beyond that. I think where you are at now is healthier in that your view of him is more realistic. It's now just a logistical annoyance. I like what the last poster suggested about deleting his messages unheard. If you know the letter of the law is on your side, who cares what he does? (unless of course he is dangerous, in which case you WOULD want to involve the police).

My thoughts are with you!

Chandra

[Anonymous]

{{bunny, onlyrenting, chandra}}}

Here's what happened since my last post. Eleven phone calls later (with voice mails that progressively got more sloshy and threatening "I will not stop. I'll do whatever it takes to get what's fair." THEN he informs me in his 6th or 7th VM that HE'S IN TOWN (where I live). Lordy. I had just gone for a jog, shoveled the walk and got creeped to think he may have been lurking around; not to mention my daughter. I just hate that her world is subjected to this crap.

I called the PD and consented to having an officer come over. I thought if the a-hole decided to show up or drive by a cop car would make for a nice welcome wagon. Cop came in and listened to the 7 VMs (which contained some highly personal information) and said this bordered on harassment; that he'd file a report but didn't know if it would result in a charge through the city attorney's office. He offered to call my ex-N back and tell him to knock it off. He did this in his squad car so I couldn't hear what was said. I felt stupid, raw, vulnerable and like a Jerry Springer refugee.

EVEN AFTER THAT the ex-N called 4 more times leaving messages that he knew would press my buttons. (Unfortunately some of them really did dammit  Anyway, his last one (he said forever and ever -- good luck -- have a good life) was to an old friend of mine he had become acquainted with a year ago. He said that my (male) friend said to let go of the money because every day it would cost me a little bit of my life. I didn't call my friend. It was too late and we weren't terribly close. But from the last time I saw this friend (summertime) I could tell my ex-N had done some damage. Things weren't the same. But that's been the case with several of my friends since I moved away.

The last VM was what got me. He took someone from my past, part of my pre-N life, part of my support system and has made it seem foreboding and formidable. I don't want to call this person because it would seem desperate and I'm worried that he agrees with my ex-N (the guy pact thing).

Anyway, it's been a HORRIBLE day. This is not the way I wanted things to end between us. But the more angry, castigating and vicious he's become the less empathic I am to his situation. But it bugs me because he knows I have integrity and now I'm not so sure. He said some pretty gut-level stuff that really hurt. It's caused self-doubt again. He was masterful at doing this during the relationship.

I've unplugged the phones and will call the PD again tomorrow if there are any more VMs. I am praying this is it. He said "That's it, bludie. You've won. Take it. And if you believe in karma, remember this will catch up with you."

There is an intellectual side of me that knows this is crap. But there is this soulful part of me that he has truly affected tonight. Dumb and lame as this sounds, I want absolution from my ex-N. I want absolution from my friend whom he has now influenced. I want absolution from my brain.

Thanks for listening to my sordid plight. I'm going to scan the rest of the board and try to sleep. I am sad but will be okay. I don't think I will ever be able to trust or love again, though. I am almost 46 years old. I feel used up, worn out, rejected and helter skelter.

Not the best,

bludie

[serena]

I must be brief as am dashing to work.

This volume of VM's and his harassment of you is disgusting.  I am glad you called the PD.  I think he is jealous of the fact that you are coping so well and in grad school.  Congratulations - that can't be easy along with raising a daughter AND working.  You are doing an amazing job.

I don't know why you want to seek any absolution from your tormentor?

Hopefully, with the passage of time, he'll move on and leave you in peace.

You are very strong, remember that.

[Anonymous]

bludie:


If you look at this whole episode a different way it might help.  I remember well when my ex N went off the deep end when I decided that enough was enough i.e. I left HIM, HIM of all people!  He would "drop" by unannounced, he would fax irritating messages, he would have his "friends" to call, or come by.......you name it.  Of course this all occured before stalking laws.  Well at any rate I would get in a dither about it, obessess about it, rant about it etc.  It finally occurred to me that I was looking at this in the wrong way.  Instead of me getting bent out of shape, I should look rather with amusement at his childish behavior as him throwing the tantrum.  So I just decided to view his behaviour as such.  Any time he would call about the money, I would just go "ho hum" is that right, well you have a nice day ok?"  This would totally infuriate him and he would go into another tantrum.  I really enjoyed watching him lose control.  Such is the case with your N.  Enjoy him lose the control he so admireably thinks he has.  As far as the phone calls.  Go to your lawyer and tell him these calls are costing you money and business.  Let him notify the N that if your business suffers as a result of his "stalking"  he will be charged not only with stalking but with monetary penalties as well.  I realize this might be throwing gasoline on a burning fire.  Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.  Many hugs, Patz

[bludie]

sweet serena and dear patz,

Thank you for your posts. I appreciate, serena, that you view me as coming from a position of strength. I'm not certain if it's an accurate assessment (especially this morning) but I am comforted. Thank you.

Patz, you've been through so much and it sounds as though you really have perspective on your ordeal. For the past few months when he occasionally phoned, and I didn't respond, I had the same ho-hum response. He's banging on an empty drum and it won't work. But yesterday, with the barrage of calls and the last one: "Go ahead. Take it. Keep everything bludie. Because as ____ (my friend that he's influenced) said this will take a little bit off every day of your life" -- that one, for some reason, really struck me. Almost a voodoo curse though I'm not partial to this Cajun belief.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this paltry sum of money (paltry compared to my financial losses) that he did, in fact, put as a down payment on my house. I'll let this percolate for a while before doing anything but have thought about contacting his ex-sister-in-law. She's a reputable business person in my former community. She has also attempted to help my ex-Ns sons, one of whom has major emotional and addiction issues plus a learning disorder. At times the kid has been homeless and it's really bothered me because aside from his problems he (my ex-Ns son) is really a gentle soul. When with my ex-N I had virtually become his social worker trying to establish services through human service organizations.

I digress...any way, what I was thinking was to contact my ex-Ns former sister-in-law and talk to her about setting up a fund for my ex-Ns son. This way I could uphold a sense of integrity while putting the funds toward a viable need.

Any thoughts? Am I just nuts from lack of sleep and only my first cup of java?

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

bludie:

If indeed it is a small sum of money, this might be worth a consideration in the larger scheme of things.  I also have a relative that has a mentally ill son that his father does not take care of.  It is very sad to see, however, my cousin lately has taken him in under her wing, and he is improving with the stability.  Is your ex sister-in-law,(is she the sister or Aunt to this son?) well at any rate, this will not only show you own humanity but your ex N's lack of it.  He might be shocked by this.  You might point out that his learning disordered son, if not provided for, will  be a homeless individual roaming the streets.  I have an autistic son that has to be provided for.  I had to get rid of an N to accomplish the goals that was necessary for my son.  

If  you feel you can do this in a monetary way, I say kudos to you.  In fact maybe some of N's other unN's family members could later make a contribution to this trust as well.  Just make sure you have someone that is responsible to set the trust up and to administer it.  Love Patz

[mum]

Bludie:  I feel for you.  It is obvious your ex has spun out of control....and doing whatever he can to get some back (ie; control you).  Don't beat yourself up for the times he actually does push your buttons.  You are doing an unbelievably good job with this.
Just because he gets to you sometimes does not mean he "wins".  As long as you look this fear right in the eye, see what it does and doesn't do to /for you, you will be fine... even if you are shaken and trembling, it's ok.   Just don't do what fear tells you to do.  
You could consider this a "good" thing... You have an opportunity here to really demonstrate power to yourself (who gives a shit if he understands....we all know he never will, so give that one up).
Seriously, I for one, am blown away by how strong you sound and how well you are handling this.
The next time I have to face my ex while he has an out of control temper tantrum, I will definately remember your strength.  Seriously, you are a model to me:  
walking right through this, head held high, perhaps still trembling inside, but doing it anyway, because you can!!!!
It reminds me of a comment made by "liz" on thelizlibrary.org...  in this she is challenging a "fathers rights activist"/pedophile supporter...I think of this line all the time:  "BRING IT ON, SPARKY!"

[Anonymous]

bludie,

This guy is a sociopath who will stop at nothing to intimidate, threaten, and blackmail you. Keep the police involved. This guy has criminal aspects to him. And I wonder if he was intoxicated when he left all those messages. In any case, it's harassment of the worst kind.

Do not feel guilty about the mafioso-like threats and attempts to shake you down for money. Do not give him any money. If he lost some money on a down payment TOO BAD. He left and that's his problem!!

My advice: don't set up a trust fund for his son!! Don't get involved with his son!! That is crossing a boundary with this guy that I would not cross. I'm sorry for his son but don't do it. It's not a good idea.

Do you have a therapist you can call?  Sorry I can't remember.

bunny

[bludie]

Again, ladies. Your strength is my strength today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

bunny said:

Do you have a therapist you can call? Sorry I can't remember.

Just called her. As usual, bunny, you're spot-on.

bunny also said:

Do not feel guilty about the mafioso-like threats and attempts to shake you down for money. Do not give him any money. If he lost some money on a down payment TOO BAD. He left and that's his problem!!

Many people who know my situation have said the same thing - and from all economic walks of life, too. You're right, bunny. This man is sociopathic. I am convinced of that after yesterday. His poker face is off and his cards are squarely on the table.
patz said:

If you feel you can do this in a monetary way, I say kudos to you. In fact maybe some of N's other unN's family members could later make a contribution to this trust as well. Just make sure you have someone that is responsible to set the trust up and to administer it. Love Patz

I won't take any action on this until simmering down. I am trying to take client calls today and sound weird and wired. Am drinking water instead of coffee and will try to nap after picking my daughter up from school today.
mum said:

Just because he gets to you sometimes does not mean he "wins". As long as you look this fear right in the eye, see what it does and doesn't do to /for you, you will be fine... even if you are shaken and trembling, it's ok. Just don't do what fear tells you to do.
You could consider this a "good" thing... You have an opportunity here to really demonstrate power to yourself (who gives a shit if he understands....we all know he never will, so give that one up).

I am trying to light a candle rather than curse the darkness today. But I am very jumbled and am having a hard time understanding how or why he was able to achieve so much mental control over me. This is a juggernaut and probably one I'll not likely uncover today. But why and how I'm allowing myself to be so affected over the machinations of a truly crazy person is perplexing.

I have a call into the shift officer about what happened last night after the other officer left. I just want all of yesterday on record. In my days as a paralegal nearly 20 years ago, I learned to document and memorialize facts to avoid he-said/she said situations. If I get one more call today I am cancelling appts. and going to municipal court.

ALERT - he just called again. That's it. I am torked. He is going to pay.

What a waste of time and energy.

bludie

[mum]

Go, Bludie, go!  Sparky brought it on!  It's ok that he "got you going"....it's old habitspatterns.  My old habit with my ex is to get scared and cower and go limp and do nothing.  I applaud you for putting your foot down!!!!!
You're my hero.

[longtire]

Bludie, you are feeling angry because he is not treating you with any respect, caring or recognition.  You SUPPOSED to feel angry when someone treats you that way.  It shows that you value and care about yourself.  Anger is energy you can use to get what you need and what you want in life.

I say don't suppress or avoid the anger at all, welcome it in and feel all of it.  I think the natural fear is that if you're angry you'll get out of control and act just like him.  My experience is going out of control comes from trying to deny or displace my angry feelings onto someone else, just like he always does.  When I accept that they are my precious feelings and that these feelings are all about me.  When I am able to lovingly invite my feelings to be more present and value them, all the pressure disappears.  It becomes clear what I need and want to do about the situation, and the feelings give me all the energy I need to take those actions.

It's a horrible situation.  It's about him.  You can still value, learn and grow from your reaction to the situation.  I invite you to share all the details that you are comfortable with.  There are a lot of people here who care about you.

[bunny]

bludie,

If this guy wants your money, let him take you to court. Threatening phone calls isn't going to cut it. I hope you get a TRO against him today! He needs to be put in his place by the legal system.

The reason a crazy person can make you upset is because their craziness attacks your psyche in any vulnerable crack in the armor. He could do this to anyone, it's not because anything is wrong with you. Sociopaths are skilled at pushing people's buttons.

Keep posting and let us know how it goes.

bunny