bludie:
I think mum, bunny and the rest who have weighed in on contacting the "friend" is correct. Anything you would say would fall into "methinks you doth protest" to much catagory.
Most narcs go to friends, or anyone else for that matter, when things begin to fall apart to devalue you and the relationship. It is a familiar pattern with all of them. Your true friends will just look at him with crossed eyes and go "say it ain't so!" LOL.
In reply to your question on my line of work. Well I used to teach school, I was a child of a dysfunctional family with a narc as head of the household for about 20 years, I was a parent to my mother, I had my on physical issues (asthma, eczema until teen years), married a engineer who was also a narc, cared for a ill mother-in-law, and am currently taking care of an autistic son.
The following qualifications are not to make you feel sorry or to respond in , ahem, awe (LOL) but to let you know that by virtue of surviving this chaos, I am still mentally (some would question) intact! I have learned over the years that "this shall pass" is really true. What you think is so horrific and no solution in sight, is really passing. You look at the people around you (say the narcs) right now..........just where do you think these people are going to be in your life in 12 months, 5 years, etc. Probably nowhere.
I finished reading article in SmartMoney magazine (this months) on what make's people happy. They found it is not the money that makes you happy, although those living on the edge would question that. What makes you happy is good relationships in your family, with your spouse and spending time with your children. Rich people do not have money only wealthy people have money. The difference is that rich people are rich in those things that truly give meaning to life. They interviewed people from around the world. The Masi tribes of the Serengeti were happy. By all appearances they lived in mud huts, wore grass skirts, carried spears, hunted each day.....but were happy. Why? Because most of the investments they eskewed as important revolved around their families.
Most of us responding at this site (global statement) suffer from very dysfuntional families, with narc SO. We long for these connections. We want them in the people that brought us into the world. Such has never been the case with me. I have had to make my own place, my own home for myself and son. I have made that soft place to land. If you have been reading some of my other posts, I had to get on the boat and set my own sail. No one else would do it for me. I did not say it did not come with pain and suffering. Success nevertheless came.
I encourage all of you not to settle. To settle for second best. By all accounts woman are likely to live to 85. Just what part of this 85 years are you willing to spend on people who do not love you, do not appreciate you? This is an investment that has gone belly up. Press on to the mark that God has meant for you to achieve. Life is truly a journey, where you end up is up to you and God.
Even though I have worked through many issues, I still have outstanding
issues with narcs in my family. My own brothers, but I recognize them for who they are. I take the parts I can stand and work with that, and work around the narc parts. I have a brother I have not spoken to in 2 years. I currently have another narc brother who is very manipulative when I call. I just know to whom I am speaking and recognize the narc parts for what they are. In this respect even though he feels he has control over the conversation, he really doesn't. I pick and choose what I will and will nto tolerate. You have to be very clear with narcs in this respect. Be blunt if you have to so no ambiguty exists in the information you are conveying. It they deny you said such and such, I just reply, that's your problem itsn't it? Then just go on. Over time you learn to build that wall between you and narcs so the hurtful does not penetrate, and it becomes like water off a duck's back. Narcs spend a lot of time with the "hooks". They knew were the soft spots are. These are the very spots you have to toughen up so the hooks cannot go in.
What do you care if they regard you less than...... respond to them as if you are mirroring their conversation. The key word here is care. You cannot care, as narcs view you less than human in the first place. I think we all are puzzled by the fact others can go through life not "caring". Swindlers mostly take money, narcs are swindlers of the "emotions". They suck up every last drop and cannot understand why you cannot give more. They are truly vapid creatures.
I post here because I am continue to learn.. it helps me to know there are others with as much insight and I might just be missing something important that I need to know. Much love to all, Patz
