I feel dead inside-I wish I felt warm again

[bkkabri]

thanks everyone for your comments.  In the end I hurt so bad because whenever I offer myself to people, they kick me.  I know its nothing I did to my ex, or my dad or brother.  The problem is that I love them all and they dont love me back.  My ex treated me so great the first year.  I thought I was doing the same for her.  In the end, the loss is crushing because I realize that I meant nothing to her.  It was all fake for whatever reason.  I dont know how to make anyone happy and it kills me inside because I wanted them to feel good about our relationships.  To know that they can count on me.  I will miss my ex because I loved her so much.  Its one thing to break up.  Its another to say the horrible things she said about me.  She says our relationship was one sided and that I didnt care or respect her.  I am guilty of not understanding medicine, but I always cared.  I wish I never told her about my dad.  She didnt look at me and understand my request.  She took it as I was condemning her career.  I know its over, but I miss feeling loved by her.  I miss her accepting my love.  I hate this disease.

[Wispery]

Hi, So sorry to hear that you are so depressed about the situation and you need time to heal. Isn't she the one who wanted 80% of you but was only willing to offer you 20% of her?

Sometimes it is the hardest thing to see...when we are truly better off without someone. I've been there...and in the end I am so much better off, I now have the love of a wonderful man who adores me and treats me so well, with kindness, love, respect, all those things that were missing. The best advice I can give to you is to recommend you take some time to heal. I know it hurts...and you don't know how to recover or which direction your life is taking you in now. It is confusing, so be good to YOU and treat yourself well. You deserve no less.

[bkkabri]

thank you.  I just want to know why these are always in my life.  I want to know why I cant find peace and love with anybody I give my life to.  I dont do it often, so when I do I want to be a good man.  I just dont understand why she treated me so good, and then hurt me so bad like I was nothing.  I know this is a personality disorder, but why does the angel have to be the devil.  She just loved me as long as I gave to her.  I did give but it never seemed to be enough.  I hate this day because I bought her a beautiful necklace, roses, and a great dinner.  I tell one story about VH1 and it happened to have a woman in the conversation(putting the woman down because of being stupid) and all hell breaks loose.  She just looked at me and said you realize her t!ts are fake down you?(sorry to be offensive but that is what happened).  I never mentioned the womans body.  When I asked her why she was upset she told me she wanted the night to be about her and not other women.  I didnt know what to say because it was so ridiulous.  Now she is gone like it was nothing.  I am not trying to obsess, I am trying to understand why people freak out over nothing.  I lost her because of her behaviour not mine.  Yet its my fault.  This is why I obsess.  I dont know what else I could have done.  I dont know what happened.

[Wispery]

Sorry, but she sounds SELFISH and doesn't deserve you.

[phillip]

b]

BKKABRI-First of all, I want to let you know that I am sorry for your anguish.  I met the woman of my dreams, the mother of my daughter, while I was in college.  She cheated on me, before and during the marriage.  I know your pain, I know how it hurts.  I know how long it hurts and I know the despair.  Even accepting then how much she hurt me, I was still willing to put up with her.  I told myself that it was because I loved her so much.  The truth was that I did not love myself enough.  I felt unworthy of even her love.  Eventually she threw me out anyway and it has taken me 30 years to trust again.  I even remarried, but I had not healed, and I pretty much ruined that marriage myself.  My second wife was a good woman.  I was simply still too damaged to trust in her love for me.  Can't you see what I am getting at?  The problem was in me.  I gave my love foolishly, childishly.  Because I never believed enough in myself to feel worthy of love.  My question to you is this:  Where is the woman who will see the capacity for true devotion in you, and be honored to have you for a mate?  Find her!  She is out there for you.  Stop settling for less.  But make sure that you are bringing your own self-respect to the table with you.  That is your first order of business.  Look at yourself in the mirror, and like what you see.  If you can not do that, you have your work cut out for you.  Now get busy.  Peace brother.[/b]

[Wispery]

Excellent post, Phillip. You know, just thinking about my X...realing that All that pain is gone...it's completely vanished. I thought I was going insane and that I would die or never recover. He treated me so badly yet the worse and worse he treated me, the harder I tried to fix it. Every day it got harder and harder. I didn't know what was happening to him. He would see a conspiracy behind every wall. He couldn't trust himself so he never saw the real me, how desparately I wanted to make him happy, to please him, to say just the right thing, to BE just the right thing, all the while walking on eggshells, afraid that he was going to flip out on me and not make sense.

It got so bad that he wouldn't even let the landlord come to our door, to collect the rent. He actually freaked out on the poor guy, he told him that if he wanted the rent, to call him on his cell phone and he would meet him downtown! This is how he treated me, he wouldn't even let me SEE another man, let alone even talk to one. He always said he felt inadequate, and so convinced was he that I would run away with another man or cheat on him, that he even thought that if he just slipped out to the corner store, that I would have an affair on him in fifteen minutes.

Now this is REALLY embarassing to share with you all, and it is shocking. But, he accused me of cheating on him with a neighbor (I didn't know of anyone that I would have cheated with either) and he came back from the store freaking out, paranoid, asking me, "How do I know that you didn't just cheat on me?" So...I did the unthinkable. I humiliated myself, which gave my husband great comfort. I took his hand, put it into my panties and made him feel me there, to prove that I hadn't just had sex. I was mortified, and he was relieved. I actually had to prove to him that another mans seminal fluids were not in me. I felt like one of those Islamic extremist woman, who is never trusted by her husband.

I saw a show of Amnesty International yesterday. This man had shot his wife in the back and killed her, and he bold facedly said right on the TV camera that "Women are despicable creatures, they cannot stay failthful to one man." I remembered how my husband made me feel, like I was a dirty rotten whore or a slut, when all I wanted was to please him and be everything for him that he wanted me to be. The perfect wife...only I could never reach that with my husband. After the final breakup with my husband, I became so afraid of him that he was going to kill me, that I started thinking he was ontop of buildings, following me, spying on me, watching me. I ended up having a breakdown that landed me in the hospital for five weeks.

The whole time I was trying to save our marriage, the thing that I was losing was myself, little by little. Piece by piece, I was losing myself, I wasn't loving myself, I blamed myself, and now, looking back, the single most important thing that I was missing was that he didn't deserve me. I needed to learn how to love myself, and answer the question to myself, "why did I let this man nearly destroy me?" Where was the love for myself? And my only answer is, that I grew up never knowing love and always tried so desparately to find it. Making wrong choices in men...Ilet them abuse me and in turn abused myself.

Don't feel bad for me, I am so much better these days, I have found a man who truly loves me, and trusts me (that is hard to get used to...being actually TRUSTED) and I am learning how trustworthy I really am. After it all....I think this has been a most exciting life, so much I've learned and so much I know I have yet to learn.  Now that I have love in my life, trust in my life, I still catch myself with those negative self images...finally, for the first time in my life I am feeling the freedom that being trusted brings. You realise that you are "allowed" to say this or that, or to even talk to other men without my sweety thinking I am going to cheat on him or have an affair. He trusts me!! I know I am trustworthy, and deserving of the love that I've wanted so much all my life. Be happy for me, I am a success story. I feel as though I have come full circle, and I am so inlove with the man I am with, I've never known such complete love and trust before. I tell him that I feel lucky.

[bkkabri]

thanks.  I have one question that eats at me.  Does she seem to have N traits?  I hate it because when I think about she never talked to me about her past.  I never met anyone from her past.  All she cared about was her career.  I feel like a bad listner because I didnt understand the language.  I just didnt want to talk about elderly people and their diseases everyday.  Just want to give an example of a story I delt with. One night she told me that elderly people from World War 2 was the greatest generation in the world and that nobody loves each other like they do.  I asked her if our generation could love that way and she said no.  I told her that makes me feel bad because I beleive in love at 35 and want to grow with memories.  She said they were the ideal love.and our generation would never feel like them.    Does that sound strange?  Thanks again.  I have to love myself, I just wish I paid attention to the warning signs.  Again I ask and its for me, do you think she has N traits?

[mum]

Brian< to answer you question, sure she had N traits.  But what if she had superwoman intellegence, supermodel looks and sainthood?  Would it then be your fault?  No.  It didn't work.  She wanted out.  Stop trying to attach blame to yourself or to her.  It is futile.
   
I know the pain.  I have been hurt. I have hated myself.  But there is another way to live, and you will find it only if and when you want to.

You asked why this "always" happens to you, and implied that people always shut you out or put you down.  But have you noticed that despite your obsession with this woman and your repetetive tale regarding your break up, that people here are still taking the time to acknowledge and respond to you?   You haven't been abandoned, probably because people here know how these things go....but I am not surprised at all that in the "real world", people would certainly tire of this. Pity can only go so far.  Heal yourself first.  

As I said before, you are probably very kind, sensitive and thus, would be attractive to many people if only you cared a lick for yourself!  Forget that girl, forget your story....get a new one.  Go back to the real you, pre-trauma.  That's what healing is.  Actively seek it.
Stop crying poor me, please.  You don't need to be stuck in that story.  You keep focusing on it out of choice, despite the caring and door opening going on all around you.  You make that choice, Brian.  You can make another one.

[Wispery]

When you ask if we think she has N traits...I think you can answer that question better than we could...I suggest reading up all about Narcissism and trying to find out if it sounds just like her, or even a little bit.

You are obsessing over her. I think that is being self destructive...you have to find a way to stop thinking about her all the time. Take her picture off the wall, put away all the things that remind you of her...try to give yourself a little bit of peace and tranquility, relax, remember to breathe, do anything you have to do to purge your mind from the trapped place it is in and start allowing yourself to heal. I feel very sad for you, I know what you are going through....separation is never easy...especially if you really loved that other person, in the way that you did, that seems so obvious to me. Even if she isn't an N, at least you are able to vent some steam here and allow yourself to get it all off your chest here, and try to find answers that will help you heal.

Ask yourself this....was she ever manipulative? Because that is truly an identifying trade mark of an N....but whether she was an N or not...she has managed to really confuse you and hurt you. I can tell from your posts that you truly loved her and gave it your everything. You've done all you can where she is concerned...now you have to concentrate on you...and you getting better so you can walk out into the sunshine again, and feel that warmth that you so crave to feel again. I wish the best for you...my heart really goes out to ya.

[phillip]

The "N" word is just a word that may carry all kind of connotations with it.  Kinda like the "LOVE" word.  Conversations usually involve talking and listening as a shared experience.  What you seem to be describing is one person talking and the other person listening, all the time.  I give her credit, she seems to know how to take care of herself.  I can not fault her for that if and I repeat"if that works for her".  It is up to you to do what works for you.  Has it?  Very simple question:  Have you been taking good care of yourself?  If not, why?  Can't blame her for that.  You matter, you may not have shown her that, and guess what?  She got that part of it.  Why did you expect her to care for you better than you care for yourself?  Find the innocence you were born with.  It is still there, just hiding behind scar tissue.  Maybe I am out of line here, but I am recovering from my own emotionally induced flu symptoms here, so I apologize.  Peace.

[phillip]

MUM-You are the best.  We are NOT our story.  Personal crisis=opportunity.  Everybody!!  Snap out of it!!

[Wispery]

Phillip {{{{{{hugs}}}}} you poody doody you .....

ps...I love reading Mums posts, she's a straightshooter, and no bs.

[mum]

Whispery, Phillip, I certainly appreciate that you take my posts with good humor.  But I really am concerned about Brian, not trying to "hear myself type".  I think you have both made excellent attempts at helping as do most people who write in.  We are simply helping each other.  But we get the help when we want to help ourselves.

Brian.  Are you listening?  You get to be happy, yes, you!  It's your birthright!!!  Everybody who has responded to you believes that.

[bkkabri]

I thank you.  I just want you to know that before this happened I was fine.  Our relationship was fine.  I shared feelings with her, and vulnerbility.  What I dont seem to understand is why it stopped.  I know I have to move on, but she told me I was perfect to her, I introduced her to everyone, gave her friendship when she needed it.  I just hate the fact that I told her about my dad and she didnt understand what I was saying.  I know we are not going to work, but I dont know why she went from loving me to pushing me away overnight.  I made a couple mistakes, but instead of being understanding she condemned me.  I loved me before her.  I am a stand up comic, I have a job, bought a condo, started a business(which she hates or could care less about).  Just so you know, I beleived her when she said I was her best friend.  Now she wont even talk to me.  How was I her best friend if she thinks I was out looking at other women.  I said she looked nice, and she yelled at me.  I loved me because I was secure in who I was.  Now I am unsure of myself because my personalitiy made her feel insecure.  I dont want a personality that makes a woman insecure about us.  I wanted her to be proud.  Instead she says it was all one sided.  I let her study without making demands.  I only tell you this because I just dont understand how there were no normal reations to what I did.  You look nice is a compliment, how can it be taken any other way.  This is why I am so confused.  I dont want to make a woman to condemn me for my dad.  It wasnt my fault.  Yet somehow his memories affect me in a negative way and cause me pain.  She didnt offer empathy, she told me I should be over it by now.  I am over it.  Her stories of people dying just stirred them up sometimes.  Thats all I was asking.  How could she not understand.  I will stop talking about it.

[phillip]

Think very carefully now.  Either you were wrong about her character then, or you are wrong now.  She was always who she is.  So, next time, and there WILL be a next time, see what is there, not that which you wish to be there.  The price for self-delusion is a higher fee than you are apparently willing to pay, as most of us sooner-or-later discover.[/b]