Typical N behavior, right?

[miaxo]

The one bone that the judge threw my X N regarding custody issues was that he be listed as the number 2 emergency contact at the children's schools.  He insisted in court papers that he was the number 4 as he was told such by the office people at the school.  I had told him fine put your name as number 2 (Honestly, I couldn't remember how I filled out the card back in Sept).

Yesterday, I received an emial from my attorney.  Ex n's attorney had mailed my lawyer a letter requesting the status on the emergency contact list.  

Fast forward to today.  I went to school and was told the school nurse handles all the emergency contact stuff. I went into her office ( i know her fairly well).  She pulls the card and plain as day is Ex N as #2 contact...that way all along.  Ex N had just been in court two weeks ago insisting he met with the school and they were refusing to put him at #2 b/c of me and that I do nothing but try to prevent him to see the kids, etc. X N really made a big "to do" about this to the Judge.
The school nurse had no memory of ever speaking to him or ever meeting him.  I can't believe this.

Well, the school nurse is giving me a copy of the card so I have proof that he was always the number 2 contact and that everything he said was a lie.  

Should I laugh or spit out of anger???  At the very least it is one more incident of his deceptive ways that I am documenting and telling my lawyer about.

I am frustrated b/c I know I have years and years of this BS ahead of me since my kids are so very young.

Thanks for listening to my vent.

mia

[bunny]

I would laugh because I got this hard evidence...now he looks even more foolish.

bunny

[vunil]

Should I laugh or spit out of anger???

You should count your lucky stars you aren't married to him anymore


I'm betting showing him the truth isn't going to make a bit of difference.  But it might help make clearer to the lawyers what's going on. If they don't know already (I'm betting they know).  Who throws a fit like that over an emergency contact card?

[miaxo]

I still can't believe that he made this a part of his motion.  

To be honest, I couldn't recall how I filled out the emergency contact card.  But it turns out he was the second contact listed...plain as day.

I worry because he seems to be getting worse and worse with his behavior.  I thought age would start to mellow him but now I am beginning to think that he is just going to escalate with each passing year.

He really has become more of a nightmare over the past two years.

Thankfully, like it was mentioned here....I am no longer married to him.  In some ways it makes me feel guilty b/c my children have no choice but to be tied to him.

Mia

[Anonymous]

In some ways it makes me feel guilty b/c my children have no choice but to be tied to him.

My H was stuck with his N-father after his parents divorced during his childhood. He was the only child of this marriage and had to take care of his N-father for years. [He also had to take care of his N-mother separately.] But he never hated his father the way his mother did. He loved his father. But it was a painful relationship where an N-parent exploited the child.

bunny

[mum]

Miaxo: Oh, my god, we were married to the same person!!!  This is exactly the kind of stuff my ex does!  I wonder if your ex has money....if so, he may be making a stink because everytime his lawyer contacts your lawyer it costs you money too.
I was told by many people in the "field" that my ex does this crap because the healthier I get the worse he spins out of control.  He is desperate to control me and can't.

Laugh....a lot. It's like watching a dog chase his tail!  Get mad and tell him to back off, too (better yet, have your lawyer do it....he could be charged with harrassment!)  I have a lawyer friend, in a different state, who tells me I should file complaints against him constantly so he will back off (he has $ but is cheap).  I still toy with the idea, but I think he loves the fighting more than anything, so I don't.
He just likes any attention, I guess.

My children were young when I divorced him, so yes, you have years to go with this. Whatever you do, don't sign a divorce decree when you wish he would just shut up....I did, and now I am stuck in this state and can't move (although he can go anytime)!

Hang in there.....not having a "charge" emotionally or an emotional reaction to his antics (that he knows about!)  is the best medicine for you....and yes, the worst for him (but who cares about him).
I know it's hard to share kids with such a person, believe me.  Your kids will learn how to love from you, not him (ever).

[miaxo]

Mum
Yes, he does have money but is also very cheap.  The only time that worked to my benefit was during the divorce....he had saved so much (stocks, etc) and I received half. I walked away from the divorce financially well off.  I was kinda of mad though b/c he had us living so below our means.  He always made an above average salary.  

During my marriage to him he controlled me completely.  I would hand over my pay checks to him and would be given a 40.00 weekly allowance for myself and 100.00 for weekly groceries (to include diapers, formula, meat, paper products, everything)  If I went over 100 even by one dollar he would go into a rage.

Since I remarried he is even worse with trying to control me and always ordering me through his emails to do his bidding.  My lawyer couldn't believe the emails until he read them.  Most of his emails rant and don't make sense and constantly contradict everything he says.  I figure the more he writes to me the more evidence I have of his mental problems. The worst part is that he believes he is the most reasonable and together person walking the planet.

X N still demands demands demands!  But now he doesn't get a response and that drives him even more to the dark side.

[mum]

Miaxo: yeah, that part (going even darker) is hard for me, because my children spend time with him.  They are older, though, and the negativity they experience with him is driving a wedge in their relationship with him. However, he scares and manipulates them even more. I thought I was being so PC by having joint custody the way I did, now I wish I had gotten the hell away from them or at least back to my family's area sooner.  I am hoping the upcoming evaluation we will have on visitation bring some of his stuff into the open.
The kind of money controlling was like that for me, too.  I just don't know how anybody can speak to the man, but obviously there are many who think that's ok.  He never allowed me to have a dishwasher, even though I worked full time and had two kids and he was out of town most of the time.  When we seperated, I bought a dishwasher for myself.   I  felt so defiant......a dishwasher!!!  He had lots of money, that wasn't the point.  It was all control!

AGain, lets remember together, we are not married to them anymore!!!  Our children do not have to see that as "love".   They will be ok....even if they have to see dad, they can see another way to live as well.

[miaxo]

mum

After my divorce...I went on shopping binges...just to buy clothes for me..went to the spa...all the stuff I wasn't *allowed* to do while married to N.  To this day, I marvel that I lived in a prison for those seven years.

You're right.  It wasn't about the money so much as the control.  

My daughter is afraid of her Dad as well.  She feels very intimidated by him.  She's only seven but has learned methods to keep in at arm's length during her visitations and copes by appeasing him.  She will often come home and tell me that I told Dad such and such "to get him off my back".  She is beginning to pick-up on his paranoia and has told me that he often accuses her of* talking behind his back*.  When she tells me these things I can see the confusion on her face b/c she doesn't understand why he is acting like that.  

I'm happy to say that therapy starts next week and I am hoping that it will be a safeguard to help monitor what the he!! goes on at his place during visits.  It is court ordered so X N has to participate. However, I spoke with the new therapist yesterday and N has yet to contact her.  I believe he only has a few more days to do so as per the order.  I know he is reeling about the therapy and doesn't want it to happen.  I am so hoping that the therapist will dectect his N tendencies.  I figure I won't come out and say it but I plan on describing his behaviors/symptoms in hopes that she will put two and two together.  In past years, he used to be more charming and would make good first impressions but as of late he seems to be falling apart more and more.  The "perfect appearance" that he used to be so obsessive about is no longer something he seems to be able to pull off.  This scares me in many ways b/c I don't know how desperate he feels and how he will cope as his world is slowly crashing around him.  He does have a tendency towards violent and destructive behavior.  

Well, thanks for listening.
mia

[mum]

Mia: my kids too, have developed ways to "deal" with dad, none of which involve genuine sharing of feelings.  I am hoping the evaluator will pick up on how it is for them.  If they refuse again, to talk, I have to accept that their "non" choice is still a choice.  I think a smart evaluator will pick up on kids not wanting to say anything as kids who are afraid.  The worst that could happen is that they end up at his house pretty much the same acount of time that they are now.  My daughter wants to talk, probably because she has more to lose (5 more years of this if we don't move).

My fiance worries that as things go wrong for my ex (my daughter told me his marriage is failing...big surprise) that he will become violent.  He has never been physically violent with me, but mostly because I avoided explosive situations with him ... but I think my fiance is just overprotective.    
I'm sorry you can't say that about your ex.  At least he is exposing himself and may soon be his own undoing.  Honestly, for my ex, a heart attack during a rage session would be most likely.  Oh, can I say I actually dream of that?  I used to say, oh, but my kids will be so sad.....now I say, yeah, but only for a while, then they will like being able to relax.

[Anonymous]

Hello Mia:

He does have a tendency towards violent and destructive behavior.

Do you have any proof of this (even from the past)??
Can you get affidavits from anyone to support this??
Have you ever been to the police about him?
Has anyone else ever seen him act like this?

Gather as much info re this as humanly possible because it's a biggie.

Your daughter might be safer having supervised contact with him.  Would that be something to consider asking for?   Is she safe with him?

Since I remarried he is even worse with trying to control me and always ordering me through his emails to do his bidding.

My alarms are going off.

GFN

[miaxo]

His violence and destructiveness happened during the marriage and consisted of him punching in walls, destroying furntiture, denting cars, kicking in doors, etc (over five years ago).

Now I will witness him throwing temper tantrums in my drive and I do have him admitting in an email that he had to apologize to the kids for hurling profanities at them (a four and seven year old).  

He did go to therapy briefly for anger management and stopped stating he was cured after two sessions.

His one employer sent him to workshops to address his temper.

He has never struck the children to my knowledge. I check for marks all the time and the kids don't show any signs.  

I was warned before marrying him by his own mother and step mom that he had a bad temper.  He basically hid it from me until about our 6th month of marriage and then he slowly started showing his true colors.

In the past I have filed a total of two police reports (during divorce).  One for him shoving me and another one for stalking outiside the house in the middle of the night.  

My brothers have witnessed his temper....viciously throwing golf clubs and storming off the course....wanting to bang out his car windows b/c he locked his keys in the car...almost getting into fights with customer service rep at a car rental place....and the list goes on.

I document as much as I can.  Hopefully I am building a good case.
The kids will report that Dad carrys on over stupid stuff and that he swears and yells a lot at them but they have never said that he hits them.