N's and their Jobs

[bunny]

When narcissists are around there is so much posturing and competing and interesting shadings of the truth that somedays I feel like I'm in a play or a movie, and not in real life.  Does anyone else every have that feeling?

All the time. It's a sitcom, a soap opera, and a TV drama. The wierd thing is, it makes going to work more interesting.  

bunny

[mum]

Vunil: I felt that way (fake) with my second husband.  Everyone in the arts community here thinks he is soooo wonderful...Mr. Social.  Until they get close.  Only seeing people when they are partying helps/keeps them all blinded.  He is very, very talented.... a seductive trait, I can tell you.  He can shmmooooze like nobody's business, but he is empty and honestly cannot find anything other than that facade of his to occupy his mind.  We tried counseling together and after one session, the therapist pulled out a book of personality disorders and read to me....I thought she was making it up to sound like him...all in the book, though..... NPD.

(What a bolt of lightening that was........it also described my first husband)!

This is why he drinks/parties all the time.  I'm sure it's far too much work to find out what's under the layers of crap for him so we parted ways. He didn't want to do therapy or work on the marriage, he didn't want to assess his drinking, he didn't want to/or couldn't love my children.  Now that I know more, I see my kids represented competition to him..how sad.    

He now has a lovely, much younger girlfriend who is fresh off a divorce from a pompous jackass...oh, sounds familiar! (dancers love pattern he used to say!)  Poor girl!

[Anonymous]

It depends on the N. In my case my brother is so insecure and afraid of failure that he just piggy backs on any sap that comes along. For years I was that sap.
 He could be a very successful person if he wasn't such a frigging lunatic. As it is he sets things up so he always gets the credit and never takes the blame. How could I not see what an idiot I was being? I could have retired on what I made that ingrate.

[vunil]

I have had a lot of these types of successful, charming, narcissistic boyfriends.  And one thing I noticed about them, and about women friends I made before I realized what was going on, is that they are really great with new people.  The first few interactions or few months, people always love them.  I know I did!  They make good conversation.  Their jokes are funny.  They look you right in the eyes as if they care deeply about what you're saying.  It's only when I realized (after only about 1000000 disappointments!) that I was just their audience, not a person, that I was able to really see what was up.  They were looking in my eyes for my reaction to them, not to see me.  One big hint was that they never seemed to remember anything I had said...

They go through this pattern over and over again.  Fortunately for them, there are always new people.  For attractive successful men, there seem to always be 25 year olds willing to adore them, no matter how old they get.  As the women get wise they can trade them in on a new one.

I think a lot of professions have endless cycles of new people to impress, and this is why many narcissists excel in those kinds of jobs.  New constiuents, new students, new clients, new congregation members.

[Brigid]

Vunil,
You have described my N H to a tee.  People love him in a social setting because he gets on "stage" and tells jokes and does impressions and everyone thinks he's hilarious.  He was always looking for the next new audience to enthrall because those of us who had heard it all before didn't adore him and praise him while he was going through his routines.  He loved being around young adults because then he could be really inappropriate and they would love it.  He always wanted to be the cool dad who was hip to all the latest music and fashion and could talk to them in their language.  He is quickly slipping from being a cool dad to being a pathetic one as the kids begin to realize that he doesn't really care about them, but just wanted the adoration and attention.  Now that it is up to him to decide if he actively participates in their lives rather than me directing him to, he never has any involvement in their activities or even talks to them on a regular basis.  

I finally understand why he has so few friends (really only 2 and both of them are also getting divorced--big surprise!), but lots of acquaintances.  He is in sales where he is entertained by companies and entertains clients.  It is the perfect venue for constantly creating new stages and people to schmooz.  He has a way of making a woman feel that he really cares about her and is listening to what she says.  Mainly he just wants to talk about himself and have her care about him.

I hope that through therapy and a lot of soul searching that I can prevent myself from making the same mistake again.  They prey on the vulnerable and after going through the last 18 months I am certainly that.  But I think I've come a long way and have gotten a lot wiser.  I wish we could brand them with a big N on their forheads to warn their future victims.

[Lara]

Hi everyone,
This is a very interesting thread. My ex told me how women whom he worked with in various places  were attracted to him,and I think that was probably true. He had so many charming little tricks, like gazing into the person's eyes, listening very intently,giving little winks.I used to think that it was me alone who prompted this reaction from him, but of course it was in fact a routine, made easier for him no doubt by the fact that he is so handsome.

On the other hand,when his job brought him into contact with the public,he was sometimes told off by his boss for reacting badly to customers who challenged or annoyed him.

He (and I ) both thought that he was capable of getting a better job than the ones he had. To that end he applied for a university course.He had no money as usual,so guess which idiot paid  his course fees. After four weeks he dropped out. There was also some mystery about an earlier course he had left suddenly;I think he must have dropped out of that as well. It amazes me that in five years I never asked him about it.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[vunil]

I hope that through therapy and a lot of soul searching that I can prevent myself from making the same mistake again. They prey on the vulnerable and after going through the last 18 months I am certainly that. But I think I've come a long way and have gotten a lot wiser. I wish we could brand them with a big N on their forheads to warn their future victims.

Congratulations on your victory!  Pulling away is really tough.

I think you sound really wise and that wisdom will help you being able to see their invisible "N."  My newest thing is to try to really listen to how I feel when I'm with a new person, not the surface stuff, but deep down, am I comfortable?  Do I feel a little off-kilter as if I'm not really there, as if there is even some sort of vague danger in the air?  Because when I feel the latter it is almost always because the person is a narcissisist. I don't always listen to the feeling and get wrapped up in them and then realize-- but the feeling told me early.

Here's to all of us being able to spot them