I am pining after her anymore-I know too much was said

[bkkabri]

I am not going to pine about her anymore.  I know she has major issues that are beyond my control.  Just so the women here know, I know women can say things and get jealous.  That was not my point.  She freaked on me talking about the Surreal Life on VH1.  She bought me porn on Xmas because she thought that low of me.  She told me She wanted 80% of me and wanted to give 20% back.  She changed everything I said to make me look bad.  The list goes on and on.  My brain has been stuck on the woman I met, and where she could possibly have gone.  I read and reread everything and I know what you are all trying to say.  That God saved me from making a big mistake to be with her forever.  The problem is that it felt really great feeling like I had an opportunity to be with someone who cared for me and I cared back.  I am 36 years old and I am tired.  I really dreamed of the home and the life of the woman I met.  Her changes in behaviour made those dreams diminish to nothing.  I hope to find real love someday, and I am going back to therapy.  What nobody seems to know after all I wrote is that this is not about the woman.  This is about why everyone-mom, dad, family, and now a lover and friend could find it in their heart to use me and to lie to me for no other reason than the fact that they dont care.  I cant even trust my own mother to be honest with me anymore.  If you cant trust the people who gave you birth, who do you trust.  Its a lonely now for me, not because I dont have friends, but because I dont have the ability to beleive in anyone anymore.  When we met, she reallymade me beleive she was my friend and lover.  I had a moment about my dad,shared it with her and she resents me for the fact that I actually stayed with him for three years and watch him rot in front of me.  Instead of thinking in a humane way, she said I told her not to talk about her day.  In my head, I blame my dad because if he died without me having to sit and watch the pain, I could have stomached her conversations because I wouldnt have the memories of people dying such a god aweful death.  Be lucky you never seen it.  I wasnt looking for self pity, I was looking for understanding from a medical professional to have the decency to have a heart and respect my feeling.  Didnt happen.  I am actually being condemned for trying to help a person that was in need.  He is dead, and I am the one paying for what he did.  She actually had the nerve to joke about me having alittle of my dad in me because I remodeled my bathroom.  What kind of sick joke is that.  I am not pining over the woman she is.  I am mourning the loss of the person who I thought she was.  I dont know what normal is, but man I hope its out for me.  I am not a sick or crazy person.  I have a job, a condo, a boat, and friends.  What I dont have is anyone to support my emotional needs when I am down.  I have learned not to ask for anything because I know I am not a person who should be able too.  I am sorry I couldnt give 80% of me, nor did I think anyone could.  I just really wanted Deena to know that I really wanted nothing from you other than to be your best friend.  She said I was hers and I beleived it.  Again, I know God protected me long term, but I wish God could see that I cant take anymore.  Too much has been taken already.  I know you are all right about this.  I know I have to take my blinders off and realize that a woman with a heart woundnt act this way.  Thanks for listening.  I know you are right.  I just wish I never met her because it kills me inside to know I was lied to again.  Whatever it is I do to make people turn on me, I am sorry.  I was only trying to be a friend.  If you should read this and want to make a bad comment, please dont write.  For those who supported me through this, thank you so much.  You have no idea how much your stories make me feel like I am not alone.  I actually wish that we could have been freinds.  You seem like nice people.

[Anonymous]

Brian, I know how hard it is to mourn the loss of someone you thought was there for you, but wasn't. I think we've all had to do it with many people in our lives. I'm really happy that you're coming to terms with this. No, you're not crazy, you're just in need of comfort and support and you will not get it from the Ns in your life. It just won't happen. Take care of your own needs and the right people will come your way. There's nothing wrong with being alone or working on yourself. If you haven't got all you need emotionally, you won't be able to give yourself to the right person that will come along.

[mum]

Brian>
I am so sorry if my prodding comments in the past have made you feel worse.  I am a teacher, and it's in my nature as well, to never give up if I think someone wants to learn something.....so I find a million ways to the learning and I respect my students and fellow humans too much to give up (and the N's love that, huh?)
I respect you enough to keep on trying and to tell you the truth, that's all.  Now, keep in mind, it's only MY truth, not anyone elses.  And yours is yours to own as well.
I think you are perfectly capable of moving through this, as your last post demonstrates you really are.  So it's a slow movement, so what?  Who's to judge?  Just you.  
Everybody has their stories and their pain.  Everybody shares because they think it will help.
You and your situation have touched a nerve for those who responded.  You have seen, in this, that you are not alone.  But everybody has an opinion, and everyone has a perspective.  Please don't feel bad if people are trying to help you find different ones.  

When I finally figured out that the world was not trying to hurt me, that I was really hurting myself, my whole world changed for the better. It sounds like that would feel like more self-blame, and it did feel like that at first, but now I see it's my power, and ownership over my life.  And for me it was a way to happiness.

On the subject of love, a wonderful song for you to hear is "Love is Simple" by KD Lang.  Truly, "love, as a philosophy, is simple", as she says.  Your love affair with this woman was not simple.  Next time, go for simple.  You will know.
I only wish that for you.  You deserve it, really.

[Guest from afar]

I understand that you are disappointed in so many people, but I do think you expect too much of (normal) others. Other people are not counsellors and cannot give you a reply 100% of the time that will not affect your feelings negatively. Some of the people you know will be narcissists, certainly. However, not ALL of the people you know are narcissists. That is most unlikely.

If everyone you know turns out to be offending you somehow, then you have a problem in not being able to cope with everyday conversation with normal people. Normal people say hurtful things all the time, by accident. They don't mean to hurt you, but they are not professionals so don't know how to phrase things in less hurtful ways.

I am a good example, right here. I am probably upsetting you but am trying to help in my own way. I am sure a PAID therapist could say what I am trying to say in a less hurtful way, but I don't have therapist qualifications. The ONLY people who will NEVER say anything hurtful to you will be therapists, I am afraid, or miracle people like Mother Theresa. The rest of us don't have the skills.

In your own post, you have criticised those of us saying things you don't want to hear. That includes me, and "Mum" above, and many others. What if we all got offended because you rejected our help? See what I mean? I have to expect that you can say things that upset me as otherwise I couldn't interact with normal people. As I said, all normal people say things that upset one another in every conversation, accidentally. We can't find the right words to communicate our good intentions because we are not qualified professional therapists.

I wish you well and hope there is something useful for you in the responses you receive.

S

[bkkabri]

to everyone who understands thank you.  to guest afar, back up.  you have no idea what your talking about with me and what I was put through.  I appreciate everyones comments but for some reason you feel the need to tell me about the person I spent two years with and what she said is normal.  You have no idea what this woman put me through and to make the accusations you say to me make me sick.  just dont offer your opinion.  I have come from the fog of everyone else and if you truly think that a woman who said cares for me has the right to condemn me for the death of my father, then I question you as a human.  Simply stated, kiss my ass.  you have no idea who I am or what I am about.  The bottom line is I got used.  I am make no appoligizes for caring for someone who lied to me.  I have just as much right to feel the pain this woman put me through as your screw ups put you through.  Something tells me you actually enjoy your words.  Put them somewhere else.  To everyone else, thankyou for your kindness.  I understand I was used.  You showed me what these people are capable of, and I put down our conversation to show that this woman wanted all my time and never even offered an appology for her actions.  I know in my heart she screwed me over, the problem was that I was stupid enough to beleive her.  I dont beleive anymore.  She can keep the elderly if that is what she chooses.  I choose to live my life today in my 30s.  No need to be old before I have to.

[guest from afar]

I am sorry to come across as not helping, when in fact I did mean to help. This is the very problem I was talking about - misunderstanding other people's good intentions and overreacting.

I realise this woman gave you a lot of pain but was just trying to help with addressing how to manage interactions with the other people in your life.

Anyway, I'll not post to you again, as requested.

I hope you find happiness,

S

[vunil]

As someone else noted on another thread, any attempt to really clarify what is going on and provide guidance results in really angry rebuffs from this guy.  This leaves us without much to do except say 'you are right, you are valuable, I'm sorry about what you went through" and that has been said over and over.

One interesting aspect of this, in a sort of meta-level way, is that all of us have dealt extensively with narcissists who don't acknowledge what we say and who rebuff us if we are less than accommodating.  I wonder if some of that is going on here-- we sure are trying hard to help.

bkkabri, do you get that we are trying to help?  And do you have any sense that you were pretty harsh with poor guest, who took the time out to try to give to you?  

We are somehow caught in a pattern with you, I think.  Getting pushed to the point where we react in a way that leads to rejection and anger all around.  

When the truth is, people are really trying to throw a lot of love and insight your way, to help you through all of this.  Insights are like gifts-- it's the thought that counts.  Someone took the time to type a bunch of ideas, just for you!  That in itself seems worth feeling good about.

(I know this post is coming across as overly "instructive"-- maybe I should stop responding to these threads, too).




Guest, I thought your post was really well-put and accurate.  I think I learned a little bit from it myself

[Anonymous]

guest from afar, I learned a bunch from your post. Thank you.
Bkkarbi, there is a saying that I thought might help you it helps me some when i get so upset about things that other people say. It is "take what you like and leave the rest" Somehow that one day may help us not have to carry so much crap with us!!!!!
Love,
B

[Brigid]

Brian,
I'm going to say something here that you probably will also not want to hear, but I feel compelled to express it.  

If you find a therapist who is truly going to help you, he or she will also be telling you things that you must change about yourself in order to heal your pain.  A worthless therapist will just validate your feelings and keep you trapped for years with no real healing.  You must decide that you want to get off the hamster wheel where you can continue to express and obsess on the same injustices she imparted and move to the point of seeing that there is a possibility of a positive future.  A good therapist will help you do that, but I fear you will choose to find one who won't hold you accountable in the healing process and won't tell you that issues within you are part of the problem.

You say that no one else understands how much it hurts.  The man who did this to me was with me for 23 years.  If you don't think that is the pinnacle of betrayal and devastation, then you are not in any way being empathetic to your fellow victims of N.  We are all in pain here and we have tried to be supportive and helpful to you.  You need to learn to appreciate the support in whatever form it takes and stop criticizing those who may offer some ways for you to help yourself.  Right now you are choosing to be stuck and playing the victim because there is some payoff for you in the form of attention.  Maybe if you started paying attention to the pain of some of the other people on this site rather than constantly obsessing on your own you would begin to understand that you are not alone.

Brigid

[mum]

Bri: OUCH, you may not have responded to me directly, but ouch.  I don't willingly put myself in harms way anymore, so sorry to say, I'm out.  I pray that you find what you're looking for.  I have hope you will.
You are still worthy and always will be.  Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I've been watching you with Brian mum and you have a great big heart. I just want to (((((((((mum)))))))))  Portia

[Guest_NewDay]

Having been on other message boards, one in particular where I was a longstanding contributing member, I have seen people say that "tough love" does not work for them.  They say it right out to posters who try to give them some feedback or insight that is not what they want to hear.  People on message boards do get pushed to their limits b/c some of us are really trying to help people, and I for one, would not be where I am today with my recovery and healing from the destruction of being with a N were it not for listening and being listened to by some remarkable people on message boards.  

The operative words are to feel you are heard and also to HEAR others.  If you write on a message board and do not listen to others, thank them and appreciate all points of view, you short change yourself.   And you are are not keeping the Golden Rule "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  Listen.  Be thankful.  Take what you like and leave the rest.  The support is remarkable if you think about the idea we are all strangers here, with one thing in common:  pain and trying to heal and help eachother recover and resume happy, productive, good lives.

Off soap box.  
I think this MB is absolutely remarkable and thank you all.  

And mum, if you read this, your posts are awesome.

Terry