Please accept my appology

[Bkkabri]

I wrote a passage when I was drinking the other night and it seems to come out wrong.  I am so frustrated right now inside because I cant seem to shake off the rude and cruel comments my ex made to me, and about the loss of my father.  I cant beleive a woman can be in the medical field and be so harsh and it has ruined my self esteem to a point where I cant seem to talk anymore.  I went to the comedy club last night and my friends tell me they can see I am dead inside.  I am not the same person.  The truth I cant speak anymore.  I cant have an opinion, I cant say anything because I dont want to offend.  Before all this I had a complete life.  I had confidence, loved life, felt complete, felt like my life was going in the direction I wanted it to go.  I looked forward to a future with my ex and a life we could spend together.  to tell me I have a little of my dad in me because I can remodel my bathroom was a hit because I know she meant it to be rude.  I was walking on egg shells with her in the last six months and somehow she has been able to make this my fault.  I hate her for what she did, but I hate me more because in one regard she has me stuck.  I told her I cared, loved her, showed her love, but I also took care of my needs while she studied.  I feel like maybe I have given her more, but I dont know when  and how.  I cant speak medical 24/7.  Its hard to do.  I just wish she could talk about her day without telling me about diseases or how young everybody tells her she looks.  I cant tell a 37 year old woman she looks 21.  I cant.  I just kept listening to it and never realizing she was fishing for compliments.  I know its over, but she has me feeling like I am not capable of being a good man to any woman.  I know I am not right now.  I really did show her love, but it was never good enough.  I know she wants 80% of my day for her, but I have to ask anyone who will accept my appology if that sounds unreasonable.  I would like to say yes, but I dont know.  I always was positive with her.  When she talked I listened.  The problem was it was about ex boyfriends or elderly people being the greatest generation to live.  the twist and turns and "gaslighting" making me feel like I dreamed this all up.  My mom is setting me up with somebody because I need meds to stop the pain, but she condemned my dad for being gay, and accused me of being less than a man in loving her.  I cant beleive she really thinks she told me verbally that this relationship was one sided and she was unhappy.  I asked her what the problem was and she would walk away or clam up.  I never pushed.  I admit this, I need this sight to help me understand.  I am a logical man, but I dont understand why everyone close to me wants to lie about who they are.  I wake up everyday knowing I am not perfect, I dont expect perfection from others.  What I do expect is not to ripped by a 37 year old woman about somebodys body parts on television.  I cant do comedy because  I dont want women to think of me as a cartoon character.  I was good at what I did, but it seems to me that a woman is not impressed with the ability to make people laugh.  I didnt try to steal her thunder, I tried to stand together and show each others strengths, care for and nurture their weaknesses.  Do women really get upset with guys if they are doing something they are good at and it happens to be where people may praise you for your show?  I dont know why she was so impressed and then so turned off.  I was in the local papers a few times and on the radio and she never seemed happy for my success.  I never did it to be over her or make it one sided.  I made it for her and I to have fun together.  Is the 80% thing weird?  Again I am sorry for drinking and being on the sight.  I am hurting because I dont know what the hell to think.  longtire, thanks for being there.  your a great man who I am sorry has to go thru this.  Sorry.

[portia as guest]

Brian! You have every right to be here. I'm not sure who you are apologising to? Will you say? I don't imagine it's me...and I haven't read the threads today. Who are you saying sorry to?

I've had a little red wine tonight   (it's 9.27pm in the UK). So I won't say any more, just making contact...bye for now....Portia

[bkkabri]

Thanks portia.  I dont know what I am doing anymore.  I am in such a fog inside about who I am.  I spent my life taking care of everybody elses needs and never taking care of mine.  When Deena came into my life she was so great.  We were like destined to be together.  I could say no wrong, I was so happy and she seemed so happy too.  Now I am so depressed knowing she knows my weakness(which is my family and their disgusting problems), and she had no empathy at all.  She actually had the nerve to tell me that her family knows I am envious of them.  I was nothing but gracious to her family.  Her dad just never seemed to like me or warm up to me.  He has so much control over her that it is sick.  She called him anytime there was a problem.  I wanted to be the man she could call. She has her parents she has no idea what its like to say goodbye to somebody you love and you have no control over when it happens.  I just keep thinking what would have happened if I didnt mention my father in the context of her job.  She just doesnt get it.  Her day important, but now I feel like a bad listener.  I am in a fog.  I know this is nothing cared to a story like longtire, and I realize maybe I am over emotional.  I just saw once, and now I saw it again.  Different person that I cared about but same ending.  You lose them and they shit all over you and they truly dont care.  They just walk to the next one like it is no big deal.  God I hate life right now.

[dogbit]

Sorry?  A couple of drinks?  You have no need to be sorry.  I don't know anything about you but my "instant" advice is to go back to people who knew you when you were in a good place or knew you/have known you for a long time.  When I start thinking that I am a jerk, I have friends who have known me since childhood and I talk to them and ask them:  Who did I used to be?  And they tell me and things start to fall into perspective.  Maybe this person is just jealous of you...comedy is an art that is  a gift and I don't think can be learned.  Maybe because you have a gift, this person needs to put you down because they don't have any gifts...who knows.  Quite a lot of us come from "peculiar" families and it is not a death sentence.  Look at Jim Carey!  But for someone to take this information and use it to make us feel bad is really terrible.  I'm so sorry this person has so little sense of self-worth that she feels she has to drag you down to  her level.  To use an analogy, a pencil has two ends.  One to write with (your future) and one to erase (this person).  Use it as you will but remember you have both options.  Get my point!  (God, is this corny or what!)  Take care.

[bkkabri]

thanks.  I think this is why I feel so horrible.  She used my dad to hurt me.  I never intended for her to feel like she couldnt talk about her day.  i just dont understand why any of the conversations were about interactions with the people or things about their house, family, pets, some said that was funny.  if it wasnt about the disease, it was about old people telling her how young she looked.  After about 5 to 10 of saying how people say she looks 21, I got disturbed.  I admit I was frustrated because she never really talked about our future.  Where we should go, what our future will be like.  All it ever was dry communication about nothing.  No emotions displayed.  She was affectionate for the first few months, but then nothing.  I was afraid to touch her other than her hand.  Its strange, but I miss the woman I met.  The most painful part of this is how fast she moved on like it was nothing and how she denies that she ever said anything said.  I wish I had a tape recorder because alot of conversations were messed up.  I was told one time that people from WW2 are the most incredible people in the word.  She said its amazing how in love they were.  When I asked about our generation.  She said we could never love like that.  When I reminded her that people were young once she is not saying.    I start therapy tomorrow.