I start therapy with my old therapist on Monday

[bkkabri]

I justt wanted to thank everyone who gave me advice.  I have never been afraid of therapy, I just found my old therapist and she has agreed to take me on again on one condition.  To stay in ti and continue even after I have my confidence back to make sure I am not being abused in the future.  I just wanted to say that my hurt for my ex stems further than just her.  It stems from the fact that I know inside I am a good person, but for some reason the people who I choose to love cant see it in me.  I feel I am brought in to solve problems, yet I was never told that was the reason for their wanting me.  I really beleived my ex when she said she loved me, but looking back I see red flags.  After reading her last conversation with me, I realize her "entitlement" to having a partner who will give 80% and accept 20% is unacceptable for a normal relationship.  I realize that her not wanting kids because she is selfish is not a good thing and telling me that her parents told her not to trust men to take care of her is a problem  I realize I need professional help because I am a co dependent.  I dont know how to look out for myself and my sanity when someone else flips out.  The problem I have is that she was so great to me the first year.  I realize now that she liked being with my friends because of the attention she got talking about who she was during the introduction phase.  She never had me out with people she knew because she didnt want me to have the attention.  In a nutshell, my ex Deena really doesnt care.  she only cared about what I could provide her and she never cared what she could do for us.  Our relationship was one sided.  I sat on the couch and watched TV while she studied.  I never complained,  I always supported.  I guess giving her the space to study without putting any demands on her wasnt good enough.  All I ever wanted was two things.  Appreciation and intamacy.  I just wanted her to appreciate who I was and what I would do for her to care for her needs.  I also wanted intimacy because I wanted to connect on the level I see couples have.  She never offered either.  I guess being raised by a gay man has caused me not to understand whether I give enough to a woman.  I feel I do, but the gloves always seem to come off from my ex about other women for no reason.  I dont talk about other women, I do even look.  What I did do was show her that I would have done anything to make our relationship work because I loved her from the heart.  How can I show it when she took my kind words and shoved it down my throat.  Do you ever feel like you have the ability to love and trust again?  I really want to have a home with a wife and family.  I really want that more than anything else.  I thought I found that in her.  My dreams dashed the first time freaked on me.  I stayed because I was hoping it was a one time thing.  I realize it just kept getting worst.  I hope the therapy will help me with my confusion.  I just dont understand how a nurse practioner can be upset with me and tell me to get over my dad dying.  She made me feel ashamed and weak to even mourn the loss of my father.  I hate him and miss him at the same time.  I miss him for obvious reasons.  I hate him for the memories he made me see.  My ex made me relive the experience because she is too self absorbed to understand.  I hate and miss her too.  It is for the same reasons.  I hope my therapy will go well.

[miaxo]

Best wishes to you.  Hope you start feeling better soon.

[bkkabri]

I read everybodies post from day one, and I realize the fog I was in.  I realize you were all right about her inabilities to love me.  I realize that this N stuff is real and that my involvement with her has opened so many wounds.  It was my dad who died in my arms, not a stranger.  I just dont understand how she could be so cruel and use my dad against me to bring on the pain.  Where is her soul, and why did she pick me to hurt so bad? I have so many questions.  I just want to understand why somebody would go out of their way to be impressed with my life, and then want to burn it to the ground because she feels I didnt give her 80% of my life to nurture her.  I hate that she thinks I didnt respect her job.  Some of the kindest people I met were at the hospital when he was dying.  I just wish she understood that I never meant disrespect to her career, I just dont know how she could think I didnt care.  I was there everynight, and she said nothing about me not meeting her needs.  Our conversations were arbitrary, about old people and ideal love they have.  I know its the N, I know the definition.  I just want her to be the way she was, I had so many plans for us that I beleived she wanted too.  Her island is her career.  Not me.  I hope this never happens again.  I cant handle anymore.  Thanks to everyone who tried to help me understand.  I get it, but god I hate it.  I hate that my holidays were ruined again.  First by my family, now by her.

[serena]

I am so glad you are going into therapy.   I have felt that you are 'stuck', firstly with your Dad's sad death and secondly by your unfortunate choice of partner.

I think you need to fully mourn your Dad's death and realise that your ex wasn't what you thought she was.  You idealised her but that wasn't the reality.

Therapy is great.... I did it for nine years and now am the most chilled-out person I know!!

Good Luck

[bkkabri]

I was doing fine before I met my ex, my life was great, I found peace within myself, and was going strong to the part of my life.  I dont understand why women and people in my life need to lie to me about who they are.  I accept people at face value.  If you are a genuine person than that is who you are.  I dont look at people for what they do for a living or what they dont have.  If you have a kind heart and a good person than that is what is important.  I dont know why she chose me or why she acted so in love and then turn on me like a snake.  She did though and acts like nothing happened.  I am mourning the loss of somebody who was never really there.  I start therapy today.  I hope I find the peace I had before Deena.  I know this sounds bad, but I hope someday she gets what she deserves.  Treating people like garbage for no reason is a horrible thing to do.  How can somebody not have a conscience?  How can anybody be so cruel?