I start therapy today, but I still appreciate your thoughts.

[bkkabri]

I dont know what to think about all this-I dont understand why I am so intimate with all these problems people have.  I have been intimate with AIDS, bi polar, bulemia, and now this.  I feel like I should have went to school to be a doctor.  I am so lost, and I know you have given me great posts.  I am not trying to obsess about my ex.  She is a part of a bigger problem.  I just wanted to beleive I found my friend, lover, person I could count on and who could count on me.  I just found out another friend from my old work died today.  Fifty five years old, and a nice lady.   I really liked her.  I am 36 and I am scared because I never have had the opportunity to be unconditionally loved or give love without a person freaking out.  I lay in bed at night thinking about all the times I could have said something to help my relationship.  I think about how many times I thought I said the things that made her feel special.  I think about all the times I wanted to talk about us and how it never happened.  I hate her telling me that she wanted to feel like the most important person in my life and I thought I was providing that for her.  I hate the fact that I may never be able to find that love because the next will be worst than the one before.  I hate the fact taht people lie about who they are.  I talked to friends of mine who said they didnt understand how my ex and I were together because she was so quiet and I was so outgoing.  I thought we complimented each other.  She said she was proud, but never helped me with anything.  I didnt know what to do to help her with school, I made no demands.  I lived my life around her schedule.  I feel like a bad man because I dont know what else I could have done.  Not for any of them.  I wish I knew why my personality is so attractive to these people in the beginning and then so vengeful in the end.  I actually am admitting that I am voiceless now because it is my personality that I hate most.  Not because I dont think I am good person, but because I dont have the slightest idea what I am doing to make the people I care about turn away and act like everything I did was for nothing.  My ex actually told me near the end, I will give you back all the gifts you gave me except the palm pilot-I need that for work.  What a hurtful thing to say.  It was all for nothing.  I am so dead inside knowing I never had anything real in my life.  I tell God every night-whatever it is I did to deserve this-I am sorry.  I jsut want to feel good inside like I used to.  I am back to square one.  Thanks for listening.

[TorZombie]

Hi Bkkari, I feel sorry about what had happen to your co-worker and your ex.  I've never met her so I don't know what kind of person she is, but I think she is mean for returning all the gifts to you, and tells u she must keep the pam pilot.  I don't think she really knows how to care for other people's feelings.  

During sometime in my lfe, I met some people who doesn't care about others' feelings.  

Don't worry, we are here to support you and are ready to listen to u.

[Anonymous]

bkkabri,
Feeling good inside about yourself is something that you have to do for yourself, hopefully your therapist can help you with that.  I think this is what you really need to concentrate on, because if you don't have that you will continue to feel overwhelmed by the problems in life.
LM

[BKKABRI]

I went to my therapist today.  She told me that a healthy woman wouldnt purchase me porn, or freak out like she did.  I feel like like I failed her because I didnt understand the stress of her school.  She made it look like she knew what she was doing and I gave her space to study.  I asked her about her day, but she said nothing.  I want to heal, but I really lost somebody I loved so much.  And after all the unnormal stuff in my life, I really was led to beleive this was normal.  I hope thru my therapy I realize that my ex had problems that were beyond my control.  I wish she had the capacity to see that I was there for her.  I am not perfect, and I am not a mind reader.  What I am is somebody who can make honest mistakes, I can apologize, and hope that you realize that I never meant to make you feel insecure.  I never understood why you couldnt talk to me.  I dont understand why people come to me to solve their problems.  I dont have that ability.  I only have the ability to try and be a freind.  I know this N stuff is for real, and I am pretty sure she has alot of traits, but God what a waste.  What a waste to have people who can feel so bad that they need to hurt others to build them up.  I wish I knew what 80% was, because I loved her enough to give her my all.  I just cant be your doormat, I can only be an equal.  I dont want feel emotions anymore.  They hurt too much.  I hope I dont develop these traits.  I want to be a good man to a woman.

[Anonymous]

bkkabri,

Most the time situations like this happen because both people are hurting and wounded.  It helps to realize that you did the best you could and so did she.  You need to work on yourself now and get to where you are standing on firm ground.  A healthy person experiences the full range of emotions and responds appropriately to them.  A healthy person does not close down there emotions.  Anyways it sounds like your therapist got you heading in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Sorry again, that last post was me, LM.

[BKKABRI]

I know what my problem is, and I know where it hides.  I was and am over my dad dying.  I accept this as reality.  I accept he was a hurtful and mean person who treated me like crap.  My only sin was that I had to be born to him being my father.  I look for peace and I seek normal everyday life.  I thought I had it.  She acted so normal.  The only red flag we had was the lack of intimacy.  It seemed like it was orchastrated for my benefit.  It just kept getting less and less each month.  She never seemed to want to get close in a loving way with physical or emotional touch.  She bought me gifts, but she never she never accepted my intamacy.  I dont know what to do.  She makes me feel like I am not man enough to make her happy.  I tried the best I could, but I dont know what 80% is.  Does anyone understand what this means.  It would help me alot to hear your perspective if you had relationships with a person who made you feel like you didnt do enough for them.

[Anonymous]

bkkabri,

What are you talking about as far as this 80%, what does this 80% refer to?  You say you are 36, how old is this girl?  I think if you are honest with yourself you would see that you have had problems with intimacy forever, that's what happens when you don't get proper parenting.  You got to get that proper parenting somehow in life in order to experience true intimacy.  Have you had other intimate relationships?  If so what happened with them?
LM

[bkkabri]

I dont have issues with intimacy.  I actually was there for her.  I was there to talk whenever she wanted.  When she needed anything I was there to provide it.  I know I am normal functioning inside as a human being.  I complimented and she yelled.  I gave to her and she pushed me away.  I dont know what the hell is going on.  I just want the girl back I knew.  I know its over, but why would anyone freak out like she did.  I am walking down the street with her at a fair holding her hand looking at art work.  She actually freaked on me about a woman walking by because she was wearing a tight sweater and she said look at the breast on her, I bet you love those.  I told her I dont know what she was talking about and she was like well you should have looked you really would have liked them.  I dont know what the hell she is talking about.  I cant win.  I cant understand when I am trying to love her why she is pushing me away.  It just kept happening and I hated it because I only wanted her in my life.  I hate her now because she used me.  I just talked to my neighbor and she says that my ex dumped on her because she wanted to meet us up for a drink.  She said my ex actually told her that she did not want me hanging out with people she knew as a couple.  What the heck does that mean?  I wish I complimented her more.  I wish I knew how to talk like a doctor.  I thought life was important outsided the career as well.  That is all she cares about is her career.

[Anonymous]

bkkabri,
I feel like you are talking at me and not with me.
LM

[longtire]

Brian, you DO have a problem with intimacy.  I know because you have the SAME problem I do.  We know how to give, but we do not consistently insist on being around people who are able to give enough back to us in return.  Intimacy is something that is shared between people.  You (I) cannot have intimacy with someone unless that someone is giving back to you.  It doesn't matter how much you are able to give.  If the other person cannot or will not give back to you, you will not be intimate with them.

I tolerate or even attract people who do not give in return because that's what I grew up with.  There was no discussion of feelings in my family.  No sharing = no intimacy.  I dealt with this by having an inner relationship with myself to compensate.  This does NOT replace my need (it is a NEED, not a want) for intimacy from others.  I am having an awful time right now insisting on intimacy in my life without falling back to that inner "intimacy light."  I'm struggling to make intimacy a right for me, not just a need.

[Anonymous]

Intimacy, how would you define it, anyone?

Is being intimate being completely honest with another person? Sharing everything on a particular topic, without worrying about how you are perceived?

Is it getting to know another person - their mind - very well? So well that you can predict what they are thinking and how they will respond, given any particular situation?

Any more definitions please, I struggle with this. Thank you.

[mum]

Guest: here is a rather "finky" description of intimacy someone told me, although corny, perhaps true:
intimacy= into me see

[write]

for me it's being able to be myself and let someone else be themself and be close on many levels.

I think one reason many of us chose relationships with emotionally unavailable people was fear of intimacy. I know I prefer to dance around playing games for ages and that even now I pull away or wreck things if someone gets too close...

Therapy really helps. I still go back each time I get 'stuck'. How did it go?

[Brigid]

Guest,
I think intimacy is all the things you describe except that I don't think you are expected to always know how the person will act/react to a situation, but that whatever the reaction is, it can be discussed and eventually understood without causing a breakdown of the intimacy.  I don't think you need to be a mindreader of your intimate partner, but that you care enough about the other to talk through problems, questions, concerns and reach a common ground.  I believe intimacy builds over time and never truly stops or reaches an end point.  With a real intimate partner, growing together and learning about one another should continue for a lifetime.  I also believe that real intimacy must have honesty at its core and would not involve secrets or lies about anything.  This may all be pie in the sky, but it is certainly my goal for any long-term relationship in the future.

Brigid