"I think I am held down, screaming and swinging wildly at someone. I know I am so frustrated! I feel so powerless and small and weak. Dont' know who....but I am not believed, some story is twisted against me, and I am told to be nice. I KNOW I am nice, and that I just got a whif of injustice.
Ok, I can't go there yet. This is really hard. WOW. I'll have to sit with this.
"
Mum, This IS something. I have these memories too. Not being held down, but I specifically remember when the tide changed as a child. More and more credence was given to my next younger brother. All of a sudden the rules didnt apply to him. He didnt have to do chores. He had football practice etc. Often discounted for his lack of academic skills, now he was cherished for something (???).
Gradually the rules were changing and I was no longer cherished for my abilities. I was never truly cherished for just being me. I think that is one of the saddest things about living in the Nar world. You are not "Ok" as you are. You must do this or be that ,to be loved. Again, all about externals.
I remember a specific incident in our driveway when I was about 16. I dont remember exactly what happened but the oldest brother was getting away with murder. Somehow I was blamed. I pretty much threw a fit. I remember it just came out. It got people's attention.
Maybe I should have raged more as a child. I did not know what to do with my rage so turned it inward into destructive habits. (Be nice, don't make waves). In retrospect I can see my rage mounting from 16-18, my final years in the house. My response to the anger was often to do more. Get more honors in school, more school activities etc. By college I had run myself into the ground.
The sad thing is our efforts and being are still discounted today by the Nar family members. As many have said to me here, they will never change and we can only change ourselves to strengthen our boundaries and aquire new or more copoing skills.
Still something has to be done with the anger. Recognizing it must be the first step. I know physical exercise has helped me alot. I am a runner and the training and general movement really help.
Also David Berneson's tool called , "The map of emotions". Has anyone heard of it? It's about allowing yourself and making space in your body to feel your emotions. Often if I will do this exercise the emotion will be felt and released and I am back to centered. Sometimes I just do a crazy witch dance to. Setting the whole mood to music and dance. Hey whatever works, right?
