Most N comment everII

[Lara]

I phoned my ex,feeling very low because I had spent the day arranging my father's funeral.

He said,'Yes,I'm fed up too, I've had a really busy day at work.'

[Kaz]

My MIL on hearing that my father had liver cancer.
"Oh, when you come over for the funeral I'll arrange a family reunion!!"

My XNH on seeing my newly pierced ears with earrings.
"You didn't ask me."

[promqueencasualty]

All of these posts of ex's listing all the things they "did for you" upon being finally confronted about their N behavior really reminds me of my parents.....

I guess in their mind there is some sort of a balance sheet?  And what do they think balances out the awful stuff they did?  It's almost like a count-- one ride to school equals one slap across the face.  Cancels it out.  I mean.....?   So weird. I don't get it.

Anyone have a clue what in the heck they are thinking when they say this stuff?

Vunil, that is the BIGGEST mystery to me. My parents attempted to minimize any of the abuse they inflicted upon me by either trotting-out their parental "score card"(if I were to take their behavior as gospel, I guess I should assume that paying for a child's braces means that you have the right to treat the child however the hell you see fit) or I would get the "you don't appreciate how good you have it, because when I was a kid, MY parents...(insert really horrific stories of abuse here)."

I guess that in their mind a certain moral relativism exists re: how they parented me(their abuse of me was not nearly the scope and severity of the abuse that they suffered as children, so they must be doing OK...or actually, because they did not inflict upon me the exact same cruel behaviors that their folks inflicted upon them, my parents don't have to contemplate that maybe they were abusive toward me?)

What I really love is my mother's modus operandi. When confronted with the possibility that she is not quite the uber-Mom that she wants to think that she is, not only does she brandish the parental score card("I changed your dirty diapers/cleaned-up your vomit," etc.), she goes one step further and launches into her soliloquy of "Here is Everything that You Ever Did Wrong Over the Course of Your Lifetime." Now, we're not talking about felonious or destructive behavior, as I was too afraid of my folks to ever get out of line---it is more along the lines of stupid stuff that I said or did as a KID, or instances where I didn't behave exactly as she had wanted me to(like not having danced a jig after being ordered to ride my bike to the store in a monsoon to buy milk for her because she didn't drive)...

That is her favorite line of defense---she trots-out all kinds of dumb crap that I did as a youngster, because it happened in the past and it can't be changed. But, excuse me, I was seven years old! I was behaving like a kid, because I WAS one! Do any of you have parents who placed unrealistic expectations of conduct upon you while growing up(i.e., you were only seven yet they expected you to possess the thought processes and self-possession of a fully mature adult)?

[October]

or if he had drank any beers I had in the fridge. i repeatedly told him not too.
"I'll get you them back" he said with complete anger for me raising the subject.

This reminded me of a 'conversation' with my mum.  She had been on a long car journey with my young daughter, and had not been able to wait for a cigarette, so had smoked in the car.  When my daughter then opened a window for fresh air, my mum told her off, because it was cold outside, and made her shut the window.  Mum had her window open, but as anyone would know, that just blew the smoke into the car.    

So, lots to 'discuss' there.  I spoke to mum about it, and, not allowing my anger to show, only said, 'I understand you smoked a cigarette in the car with C?'

Her reply was to say, in a very angry, very victimised tone, 'It only happened once' (which is not true; C said she did it several times on the journey).  Then I said that was not the point, so she changed to saying; 'Well, it will never happen again!!!!!'  Then she closed down completely.  Nothing more to say.  And she truly looked like a martyr.  Sorry?  Not a bit of it.  Only sorry to be caught.

No admission of fault.  No validation of our point of view.  Just her assuming a victim status and enjoying it.  However, having learned to take whatever is going, I said, 'Good, I am glad to hear that.'  And let it drop.

[October]

Do any of you have parents who placed unrealistic expectations of conduct upon you while growing up(i.e., you were only seven yet they expected you to possess the thought processes and self-possession of a fully mature adult)?

Yes.  All the time.  We were never told that anything didn't matter, because we were too young.  Everything we did wrong mattered.  

[jondo]

(Do any of you have parents who placed unrealistic expectations of conduct upon you while growing up)

I think this is how most N parents raise their children.  We never had a childhood - period.  We were expected to be adults at birth - they didn't have the history therefore ability to nuture children.  We were taught nothing and then critisizes for what we didn't know.  That is the basis for felling "useless" and "stupid" that alot of us suffer from even as adults.  The frustration remains in adulthood for us because we want/need them to acknowledge their fault in this rather than take the position in our current lives that "something was wrong with us" That is the source of my anger anyway.  I just can't continue to live their lies.

[vunil]

PQC!

I stopped copying parts of your message to quote, and gave up because it was all of it.

We have the exact same mother.  For instance, when told that I thought it was a little odd for them to have taken my money in my childhood, she said (and I quote) "well, we *had* to charge you for your behavior!  It was the only way to teach you!"

I remember this throughout my childhood.   I would be looking for my shoes or coat or whatever and they would tell me that they didn't know where they were and I'd be panicked I'd miss the schoolbus and at the last minute they would reveal that they had taken my clothes and I would have to pay (x amount-- magically what I happened to have from my allowance or babysitting) to get them back.  This was from age 6 on.

And your mention of braces cracked me up.  My mother mentions having paid for our braces with great regularity (even though it was 30 years ago).  She seems to still be thinking about what else she could have done with that money...

Man.  It's good to remember this stuff, and also painful.  Because I have to really recognize how lost they are.

[vunil]

oops I left out of the previous post that my "sin" was leaving my coat/shoes/whatever somewhere they didn't belong. I often put my shoes under the TV, which I guess is the same as murdering someone.  A six year old should never do something so terrible!  

Talk about unrealistic expectations...

Now I leave my shoes all over the damn house  

[sleepyhead]

Do any of you have parents who placed unrealistic expectations of conduct upon you while growing up(i.e., you were only seven yet they expected you to possess the thought processes and self-possession of a fully mature adult)?

Oh, yes, all the time. And be scorned and ridiculed and told off, if I couldn't do it. The funny thing is though... Now she is completely the opposite! Now that I am grown up, she expects me to be completely helpless and treats me like a little kid instead! What is going on in her head? Does she think I am like Merlin and was born old and become younger every year?      

[Stormchild Guesting]

Do any of you have parents who placed unrealistic expectations of conduct upon you while growing up(i.e., you were only seven yet they expected you to possess the thought processes and self-possession of a fully mature adult)?

Oh, yes, all the time. And be scorned and ridiculed and told off, if I couldn't do it. The funny thing is though... Now she is completely the opposite! Now that I am grown up, she expects me to be completely helpless and treats me like a little kid instead! What is going on in her head? Does she think I am like Merlin and was born old and become younger every year?      

No, dear, it's about control. The way to control you is to always impose totally unrealistic expectations. When you're a child, you will be expected to act like an adult. When you're an adult, you will be treated as though you are a child. This always allows the N to maintain a posture of superiority.

They are jerks, by God, but at least once you have the playbook, they all seem to follow it. You just have to make sure you're reading the right chapter for their particular pathology...

[vunil]

They are jerks, by God, but at least once you have the playbook, they all seem to follow it. You just have to make sure you're reading the right chapter for their particular pathology...

It does help me a lot to have a label, books to read, other people's (very similar!) experiences to read.  In a way that feels lucky.

[mum]

One of the many not so endearing things my second (ex) husband would do was to put one of my children's backpacks (or any belongings)  in the other child's room if he found it in a place he didn't like.  The kids would be late for school, performances, rehearsals, frantically looking for things and he wouldn't fess up.  this is even after I had put things in the aleged 'wrong' place (like by the door, to save time.
The kids would go looking, never think to look in the other's room, and upon final discovery, the sadistic moron would grin and say: "see, they'll never do that again!"
Think again pal, you'll never do that again....(I divorced him).

My children's father, another enormous N, has soo many examples of these unrealistic and ridiculous expectations of his children, that they will both be able to write books, hopefully citing thier mother's saving them by divorcing the cruel idiot.

I am appalled to say the least, at the abuse so many of you endured at the hands of those who were entrusted to be your "protectors" and those who were supposed to love you "most of all".  But I am amazed and in admiration of your ability to get beyond this trouble and carve happiness out of this life instead.

[October]

I am not sure if this will sound bad to other people or not, but twice when I was growing up I went away from home - once to camp and once to University - and returned home to find that my bedroom had completely changed, without my knowing it would happen.

The first time there was a set of new furniture, which I was supposed to be delighted with, and I think I was in part, but I also felt very confused, and that part was not allowed to show.  That was 'ungrateful.'

The second time my dad was working on an extension to the house, and knocked down a wall in my room.  In the process water got in and ruined my wardrobe (which nobody bothered to move first), and many of my books.  Again, there was no chance - and no words - to complain or say, why did this happen in this way?  I was expected to smile and be grateful.

Now that I understand more about boundaries I can see why this was unsettling.  At the time it just made me very unhappy, with no words to explain why.

Forgot to say, my Nmum calls these things 'surprises'.   She loves surprises, because to her they are a power game.  I hate surprises.  

[vunil]

Wow, Mum, isn't that weird?  Your husband and my parents did the exact same thing.  Except I think my parents are especially fancy to have thrown a monetary twist into it, don't you?  They got to be sadistic AND be paid for it.

I am glad you sent that guy packing.

And, October, you poor thing.  Not only being violated like that but then being asked to smile and like it.  Man.

[longtire]

mum, your ExH behavior reminds me of my wife's.  When I left something anywhere in the house without her prior "permission."  She would move it somewhere else in the house without asking or even telling me where.  Then she was angry because my stuff was somewhere where it "didn't belong," because she moved it there.  If there was ever reasoning about where she decided put things, I never figured it out.  Things might end up in the garage or the kitchen or the closet, who knew?  Every attempt on my part to find a compromise solution where I could act like I lived in the house failed.  I used to think it was just about claiming the house as her sole domain.  Now, I see the control and the manipulation, because I had to go to her to find what I was looking for and ask her to tell me what she did with it.  Yeeuucchh!