Most N comment everII

[mum]

What a sorry excuse for humans/parents these people are,huh?

October, you brought up a funny memory for me: one day I came home from high school, and my mother was so excited. She had bought me a new dresser and it was already in my room.  I had a crappy one before, so she thought I would be so pleased.  I wasn't.  But my mom was not a mean N or anything, and I didn't tell her how I felt completely, because she was crestfallen at my lackluster reaction.  After 10 minutes of processing how I felt, though, I was thrilled and told her so.

But now, as a parent and educator, I know exactly why I felt the way I did. Kids want a voice.  In anything that affects them, they want a say.  Even if it's to also get excited about a new thing, or even if it's to argue and dialogue about something that affects them.  We all just want to be heard.
If my mom had said, I found a great new dresser for you, what do you think?  I would have had such a different reaction, because I was involved or heard.  JEEEESH, and I had a pretty "normal" (whatever that it) parent situation.

I like to surprise my own children with things, but they are comfortable enough with me to say, "thanks, mom, but I'd rather have something else" and then we change it (or sometimes, they just want to say that, and change thier minds and love it).  It's all about being heard.

My kids have NO say at all at thier dad's house, none.  I predict they will have a say about seeing him at all as adults, though.

[sleepyhead]

I am not sure if this will sound bad to other people or not, but twice when I was growing up I went away from home - once to camp and once to University - and returned home to find that my bedroom had completely changed, without my knowing it would happen.

Oh, yes October, it sounds bad and it sounds familiar. My mother actually asked me if I wanted her to repaint my dresser, and I said no. (I wasn't living at home but my dresser was there, since I lived abroad) A few months later she asked my sister if she thought it was a good idea to paint it as a "surprise" to me, and my sister said no. Guess what my mother did?

I also remember being maybe ten and hiding under the stairs crying because my mother was throwing my bed out. She had bought my sister a new one, and I was getting my sister's. She ignored my crying and pleading that I wanted to keep my bed (there was nothing wrong with it), she just kept telling me that my sister's bed was "much better" (i.e., it had cost more money).

mum, you are so right that it is about being voiceless, I think it is also about controlling and at the same time looking good. "I am so nice and do this for you, and you don't even appreciate it." Makes them feel good since they can play the martyr. I remember my mother actually LAUGHING at my tears at times like this, as if my feelings were completely ridiculous and incomprehensible.    

Sorry for venting, this just brought up so much stuff from deep down.

[Stormchild Guesting]

My Nmom had a field day with this stuff. She'd promise me something in private, then make a big display of giving that same thing to my Nsibling - and not me - and making sure I did NOT get one of whatever it was - in front of others (so I'd look like a whiny brat if I protested). She especially loved to do this in front of Edad, who would then lecture ME about MY attitude, totally ignoring my assertion that Nmom had promised me the item in question. Nine times out of ten, my Nsib hadn't even asked for it, but since Nmom really enjoyed doing this to me, Nsib participated with gusto.

When I learned to stop asking for things, Nmom escalated to throwing my stuff out while I was out of the house. While I was in college, living on campus, my Nsib sold a bunch of my records (music, vinyl, pre-CD) to get money for drugs, but left the sleeves so it wouldn't be detected. My uselesss parents expected me to just put up with this.... and never once compelled Nbrat to replace anything of mine that Nbrat damaged or destroyed. We were poor, I made maybe $100.00 a month doing janitorial work on weekends, there was no way I could afford to replace what the brat had stolen. My parents couldn't have cared less.

Vicious, evil, inexcusable. And you can well imagine the slanderous outrage when I finally reached the limit of my tolerance, and much too late, wrote Nmom and Nsib off.

I then discovered that they'd been slandering me for decades! I'd done things for Nmom that Nbrat never would have done in a million years, such as replacing her refrigerator when the old one broke down the same day that her father died, and she didn't have enough money to both attend his funeral and replace the appliance. As you can imagine, nobody was ever told about any of the things I did for her. She either said nothing, took credit for the things herself, or claimed that Nbrat had done them instead of me.

Grrrrrrrrr      

[October]

That last post reminded me of my books and dolls.  While I was at University my mum gave all my childhood books and dolls to one of my young cousins, without me knowing about it.  I only found out one day on a visit to her house, when I found my books on her bookshelf.    

Another thing that happened to me much later in life relates to my daughter.  This is quite a difficult one.  I may have mentioned it before, so apologies for repetition.  When my marriage was in the process of falling to pieces, and life was very difficult for me, my daughter was still quite small, and it was coming up to her birthday.  Mum showed me a picture in a catalogue of a seesaw for the garden.  I asked her not to buy it, and explained that you need two children for a seesaw, and that seeing it would remind me of the children I had never had, because my marriage was in pieces.  There would never be a sibling for my daughter, even though both she and I would love there to be one.

I suggested a train set instead, and my mum did her usual silent response to dissent, which means that she is not going to disagree, but she is never in a million years going to give in.

On the day of the birthday there was a family party, and a big box turned  up in the garden, and my daughter was taken to open it.  I was also asked to go, but refused, because I knew what was in that box.  I refused to even look at it.  Mum said my daughter could keep it at her house, if I wanted, but I said no.  She also said she could play with her friends and cousins on it, but that is not the point.  An only child cannot enjoy a seesaw like a child with siblings.  Is this too difficult to understand??

I said that if it belonged to her, then it would stay at our house.  But I have always hated that seesaw as a symbol of my mum's utter lack of regard for me and my feelings, and determination to do what the hell she likes, no matter who she tramples in the process.

Sorry.  Ranting myself now.      

[vunil]

October, I can't believe that seasaw story.  I could just picture myself marching over to my mother and saying TAKE THAT THING BACK RIGHT NOW!.  I am sure I wouldn't have the nerve to do it, but boy did that story make me want to yell at someone  


This is weird-- almost all of the stories remind me of my grandmother's treatment of my mother.  She was all the time giving away her stuff.  She did it to me once, actually, when I was a teenager and I left a pair of pants in the dryer at her place and two days later (before I realized they were missing) she gave them to a charity that sent them to China!  Evidently this kind of thing went on in my mom's childhood all of the time.

So I guess my mother comes by her N tendencies naturally...  It's amazing the legacy these nutjobs leave.

I wish my mom would process what all of that did to her.  I wish it so much I might start a thread about it...

[October]

October, I can't believe that seasaw story.  I could just picture myself marching over to my mother and saying TAKE THAT THING BACK RIGHT NOW!.  I am sure I wouldn't have the nerve to do it, but boy did that story make me want to yell at someone  

That is what Ns do.  Even third hand, like this, they can stir up emotions in us.      Sorry, Vunil, I was not trying to make you feel bad about this.  But thank you for understanding.  There are tears somewhere wanting to fall over this kind of thing.  

[Anonymous]

my ex, when I was having a dissoaciated panic attack and could hardly walk " well I would thank you for heelping me move my bed, but you didn't"

[Anonymous]

Had to share this one.

My daughter told me last night that during her last visit with Dad he told her that he was going to be super rich from an invention he made. (I can remember the "invention talk" dating back 10 years).  He goes on to tell her that he will be putting the $$ in a trust for her and her brother.  My daughter asked if she could buy a shore house with the $$.  He told her yes but made her promise that ONLY her and her brother would use it.  He said, no Mommy, no StepDad no Grandma, no Uncles, no Aunts, etc.

My daughter told me this is why i hate Dad. He is so mean.  I became very alarmed when she said, "I wish he were dead".

He must be feeling insecure about something b/c I notice that is when he'll start with his grandiose ideas.

Mia

[October]

My daughter told me this is why i hate Dad. He is so mean.  I became very alarmed when she said, "I wish he were dead".

Mia

My daughter says this sometimes, and it is a difficult one to deal with.  I usually support the feelings, by saying, I can understand why you might feel that way.  And then I make sure she understands that wishing it doesn't make it happen.  Sometimes kids blame themselves if they wish someone dead and then they die.  I tell my daughter this, and say that feelings are important to us, but they don't make bad things happen.

((((Mia))))

[zeene]

Hello Stormchild Guesting

I can relate to you buying the fridge.  I paid off a lounge suite for my parents, then later on my own bedroom suite , and then later on a china cabinet full of stuff....came home one day and the lot was sold by N mother.

Zeene

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hi Zeene

I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. I'm sorry any of us had to go through it. How they take and take, and demand and demand, and never ever thank or give.

(((((Zeene)))))

It sounds as though you are getting free, though, at last, and I am very glad for you.

[Guesting]

I'm sorry if I haven't read all the posts on this thread before posting mine.  I feel like I'm jumping in abruptly, but the title of the thread is appropriate for my post.

Well, today, my mother said a very narcissistic comment to me.  What she said makes me wonder if I will cry at her funeral

She wanted me to go with her to the bank tomorrow to have some paperwork signed.  I told her I can't go with her b/c I have to attend a class tomorrow all day.  Her snide remark to me was, "I have seven kids, and yet I have to depend on outsiders to do things for me."  Her words were full of selfishness.  Mind you, just five minutes before she made her comment, I went out in the rain to buy her medicine, and just that afternoon my brother took her to the hospital for four hours for a surgical procedure.  Yet, she doesn't see the goodness in her own kids nor does she truly value us.  What a shame.  What a damn shame.  I was so angry and full of hurt.  The worst part is that she will never understand or unconditionally value or appreciate her own kids.  I don't want anything from her except her sense of pride for me.  I know that won't ever happen.   Well, life just goes on.

Butterfly

[Lara]

Dear Butterfly,
I'm sorry about your mother's comment;it truly does sound selfish and self-pitying. And you are right, these people seem unable to see all the things that other people do for them out of kindness. There is no awareness, no acknowledgment and no gratitude. I'm sorry Butterfly.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[Guesting]

Thanks so much (((Lara)))    

It means a whole lot to me.

Butterfly

[vunil as guest]

I wonder if your mother will keep saying things like this if they stop working? It just seems so obviously manipulative-- like she expected you to not go to your class because of her comment.  

I agree-- it's pretty narcissistic!  Like what you are doing is not even worth noticing or respecting.