Maybe not a NAR problem

[Bliz]

This may not fit here but maybe people can help me find peace with this situation or direct me to somewhere else where I can gain some peace.  

The other family company, where I dont work, has been under seige for some time from a public company's eforts to take it by eminent domain. I guess this has been going on for several years.  We won in local court where the judge dismissed this case saying the public entity did not follow proper proceedure and didnt seem to have the means to complete their project for that site.  This was almost 1 1/2 years ago.  We immediatley filed for our substantial legal costs and they appealed.  It sat in appeals court, apparently until Firday, when the appeals court sent it back to local court for yet another hearing.  

It is quite unusual for the appeals court to send it back, but there are powerful forces behind the scene trying to take our property.  I guess that is where the narcissim comes in.  I am so scared and infuriated by this.  THis proceedure has taken such a toll on my father's health. He never really recovered and I fear this latest action will kill him.

Unfortunately due to a role I have in the community, I see these powerful forces on a regular basis.  It was hell during the initial period, where I could hardly stomach being around them.  Talk about a false front! There was some satisfaction in the fact we "won" the first round.  I truly felt  I was finally getting back to normal as well as the family, at least in this respect.

I've been pretty upset since finding out yesterday and talked to one of my brothers about it. Of course he is worried too for our father. I know I have no control over any of this but would like to try to make some kind of peace with it as I am sure we are in for another long, painful legal battle.  

Becaues of my role in the commjunity I may be called to testify which will be another stressful ordeal like my original deposition.  Speaking of Nar behavior, let me tell you it is not about telling the truth.  It is about making sure their lawyer doesnt lead you down a path where you will get burned.   Teling the truth would be easy.  

Maybe some lessons in regaining my serenity. Some ideas how to direct my worry over my father's health to something more productive.  Some ideas on how to remain myself in the face of these people I have to see at least once a week.  I want to rage at them and call the newspapers and reveal all the sordid sides of this picture but we have a gag order.  

It is so ironic, this public company just went through a long and very publicized campaign to get more money from the citizenry due to their dire financial situation.  Has anybody seen that they  still seem to have plenty of money to sue us?  Of course not.

[P as guest]

This sounds testing Bliz. All I can think of is:

- find some way to use your anger to fuel your inner strength. Showing any anger to outsiders will work against you, you may appear weak. Smile at your 'enemies'. You know your truth: that's all that matters.

- close ranks within the family and talk to each other, a lot. Encourage your father to talk. He may be taking all the responsibility on himself, try to get him to share it. Support each other. Allow each other to express your feelings in your safe group.

and good luck. Portia

[Bliz]

Portia,
Thanks for the support.  Dad is in Florida and I am not even sure he knows about it yet.  Of course he will soon. I need to tell him, again,  that is health is not worth it, but I am not sure he hears it.  This is such his legacy, in his mind.  I would rather he let it go and stay healthy.

[vunil]

It is so ironic, this public company just went through a long and very publicized campaign to get more money from the citizenry due to their dire financial situation. Has anybody seen that they still seem to have plenty of money to sue us? Of course not.

Hi, Bliz--

I posted awhile ago about a situation at work where something important was being taken from me by a dishonest person bent on winning at any cost.  I got a lot of good advice, and ended up following two (seemingly opposite) pieces.  They are:

1.  Hit back with such a full force of intelligent gamewomanship that they don't know what hit them (or at least know not to trifle with you and yours any more), and
2.  Do this so covertly that they never can say for sure that it was you in particular who did it, or what you did.  When you see them in person, be just as polite as can be (not so much that they think you are being sarcastic).  Act scared of them.  Really worried about them.  Then behind the scenes, wollup them.

I don't remember your gender, but I think you are female.  If so, that helps tons.  People often underestimate us.

As far as details, you will be able to figure them out better than I.  Does the company have a publicist?  If not, it would be good to have one. Do you know people who know people in the media?  I am betting you do.  Can't they, without any prompting from little old you, reveal some of the egregious stuff that's happening here?  Or even the unpleasant stuff that might make the public mad?

Gag orders are usually pretty loosely written, and very loosely enforced.  I get the impression people like them to keep from having to talk, but if they *want* to talk, they find a way.  Your lawyer and publicist can help with this.  I mean, there is talking and then there is making things known, right?

I would also look up examples of failed mergers and acquisitions on-line.  There are a ton of them.  Almost always the failure is because there was negative publicity about the taker-overs that made them back on off-- exactly how did that play out?  You can always crib the tactics of others.

I do think inner peace is good at a time like this. So is being a tiger  It will feel better in the long run and will potentially save the business.

After the excellent advice I got here I was able to do much better with my situation.  I haven't completely won yet, but I might, and regardless of the battle I am in  a much better position in the war.

[Bliz]

Thank you so much for taking time to read the dilimna and offer advice.

Here is probably where the powerlessness and voicelessness comes in for me.  I do not work at that company, so I feel that I have to take directive from the brother and my father who works there. I never know for sure if I am getting the correct info from them as it comes through the lawyer.  I can call the lawyer but that is another how many hundred an hour burned up.  Because I may have to testify and we were told originally not to "let it play out in the press," it makes the decision as to what I do more difficult.  

I know many people in the local press and could call any of them up tomorrow.  Whether they will care, it will do any good and/or make my position more precarious are difficult to tell. It is that whole loss of power and control that make it all the more diffiuclt. I am wondering whether part of my lesson here is to learn to give up control and just accept what happens.  That it may kill my father and I have no control over it.  That he could die anyway whether this continues or not.
 
Still I have also said to myself several times today, that no matter what I should call a press person tomorrow and pose the question of why hasnt somebody connected the damn dots.  It is maddening.

Despite working for the Nar brother and those issues and being from the nar family, it was certainly better when this also wasnt hanging over our heads.  WHen the case got tossed, we felt right had won.  Now we are back to shady dealings, it appears, behind the scene string pulling and looking at a dark world we would never want to.  All I can say without  revealing too much that could possibly identify me is having the original legal decision overturned is highly, highly unusual.

Thanks for letting me verbalize all this in a safe place instead of just keeping it festering inside.

[bunny]

Hi Bliz,

I don't have any advice since I'm pretty ignorant about corporate stuff. But I hope you can find some decent advisors. Even if you have to pay the attorney maybe it's worth it to hear some solid advice on what to do.

bunny

[vunil]

I agree with Bunny, getting some advice is a great idea.  A lawyer or a publicist or both would be great. And, if they agree, talking to the press seems to at least increase the possibility of more information making its way to the public.

In my previous post I was assuming you wanted to take on this fight.  Of course, if you decide it isn't your fight then that is your right to do-- it just mostly depends on what would make you feel best in the long run, trying to stop this or letting it go.  If letting it go would help you not feel you are responsible for them, it could be a great thing to do.  In the end the takeover may happen anyway, maybe even is likely to  happen, so the key is what you need and feel.

It doesn't come as naturally to me to let go as to try to fix things I would have trouble not fighting, at least a little. But that has no bearing on what you should do (and may mean something pathological about me).  Also, you don't have an ongoing relationship with the folks trying to take over the business (I don't think?) so there may be less need to let them know you will not be pushed around.

[delphine]

Hi Bliz,
This sounds like one of those times when having a Nar family truly sucks. I know how that feels all too well... This part sounds particularly problematic......
"I feel that I have to take directive from the brother and my father who works there. I never know for sure if I am getting the correct info from them as it comes through the lawyer. I can call the lawyer but that is another how many hundred an hour burned up. Because I may have to testify and we were told originally not to "let it play out in the press," it makes the decision as to what I do more difficult. "

(someone please tell me how to use the quote thing)


That concerns me since Ns are out for themselves and never the family as a whole, and Ns also use scapegoats, so they'd have no problem setting you up to testify in a way that benefits them at your expense.

Is the lawyer retained by the family, the company, or just your Brother/dad? If the lawyer is retained by the family, by all means, ask your questions even if it costs $$$$. If your questions aren't answered in a way that both sounds and feels right, I'd consider getting your own counsel at least to advise you regarding your testimony.

Peace of mind within a Nar family is what I consider an oxymoron, but that's just me... fight it out tacticly if you must, and if you do, I sincerely hope it brings you peace. From my experiences, winning battles within or for my Nar family has brought me a sense of accomplishment, power, or prestige, but it has never brought me peace, respect nor love. These I have found by acknowleging that I am powerless over them being Nars, powerless in my attempts to make them live by the rules of social or familial decency. They DON'T love me and I spent so much useless time trying to get them to act as if they did. They don't respect or support me, and no amount of effort on my part is going to change that. I have built a life for myself outside of my family that supports my peace of mind. When it comes to family business, I do what's best for me personally, never for anyone else.

Losing this business might stress your dad and impair his health. knowing that the family he raised could not rally support might also stress him out. But you are not morally nor ethically obligated to protect him, nor, in reality, can you. This is all part of accepting one's powerlessness. You can't control other people and you can't dictate the way the events of the world unfold.  People who can ban together for their own common good do have a better chance but Ns can't do that, ever.  To do anything for your Dad's company you'd have to go against your brother's wishes, and the disharmony amoung his children might be an equally stressful situation., for him and you.

Good luck in your decisions,
Delphine

[Bliz]

This is all such good advice. Thank you very much.  I am tossing around different plans of action in my head from calling the newspapers today, calling the lawyers myself to at least find out what this new twist means, to just letting it go until more information is revealed. Delphine, your advice is very good regarding what I can and cannot control.  Also Vunil on what course of action.

It IS  a dilemna and part of me is just so pissed off that I even have to deal with it again.  I am sure the other family members will feel the same anger. I didnt hire a seperate lawyer for my deposition and it went okay, but the other side has a real pit bull.  Like I said it is not about telling the truth.  Telling the truth would be easy.  It is about not letting the other lawyer leading you down a path that hurts you or your side. Kind of like, "when did you stop beating your wife?"  

I may wait today and see if we hear from the lawyer and maybe call him tomorrow if we do not.  I have to face some of yhe people that put us in this dilemna tonight and am conserving my energy for that.

And yes sometimes I was the family scapegoat because of my community position. That was a lot of fun. LIke getting it from all sides.

One of you asked who hired the lawyer.  It is probably the company.  It was actually my suggestion to hire them as they had a top notch reputation in this area.

Thank you also for reminding me I have no control over my father's health.  It just seems like life has been so hard the last few years between this, the ex, the family etc.  I was just starting to feel like myself again.  I hope this doestn deter me in that goal. Of course maybe there is an off chance that in some way this is good news. There was a theory if the actual "right to take" was never on trial it could come back.  That appears to be what this latest action is about.  Maybe there is a silver lining somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Hi delphine,
Others were kind enough to let me in how the quote thing works so here goes,
Left click on your mouse and drag it across the the text you want to quote in 'topic review'....
Once it is highlighted, right click it....from the small pop up menu click 'copy'.......
Go up to your reply box and left click where you want the quote to appear......
Then right click and from the small pop up menu click paste....the line you want to quote should appear.....
Now left click and highlight the text again....
With it highlighted, go up to the main menu above your reply and click "quote."
The words 'quote' should be before and after the line you want to quote.
When it posts it will be highlighted as a quote.

mudpup

[Bliz]

I want to thank everyone here that gave advice and supported me as I verbalized a lot of my feeligns around this issue.  I talked to the brother at that company and told him why I felt I needed to talk to the lawyer today.  I may have called the lawyer anyway but this way I coveredmyself on that end.  

I got an actual copy of the decision handed down which has helped.  One of the judges on the panel is a relative of someone I must work with very closely in my community position.  I was was somewhat distraught about this as the newspaper said he had voted for it.  WHen I read the actual ruling, he had voted against it.  Of coures I do not know his reasons and it may have nothing to do with us but it was encouraging I did not have to face that particular issue.

So getting some informaiton instead of feeling paralyzed which was my first reaction was good.  It nowhere solves all the issues and it still looks like we are in for antoher long battle.  The lawyers say they have the press covered. We will see.