suicide

[write]

for those of you who know me, you'll understand why I'm in this impossible position.

For everyone else, suffice to say I'm an immigrant on a dependent visa with shared parental responsibilities with a npd ex.

I cannot tell you how hard I've tried and how difficult my life has been, but especially so in these last particularly powerless months.

But I've done all I can. Supported nh. Kept my family together.

But now- I feel it's come to the end. I don't want this enormous pain and responsibility any more.

I know enough about suicide to know that it is a terrible legacy for my family.

But how can I keep on like this any more?

[mum]

Write. You don't have to keep on "like this" any more.  But please "keep on."  The "like this" part is really optional.  Really.  Pain makes our world seem so small. We go smaller, we see limitations everywhere and no possibility.  But its the great lie.  The world IS large and there ARE options and possibilities.  Please believe me.
You are worth keeping....the world will feel a void without you.  I wish I could hold you and convince you.
Is there anyone in "real time" that you feel a connection to, who could help you?  The darkest hour is just before dawn.. it is the truth.  Darkness is the lie......Please hold on.

[mum]

Write: feel free to PM me.  If I were with you, I would walk you through what I do to release pain. It certainly changed my life. I have no idea if it would help you, but I have heard you enough here to know, your leaving this earth would be a great loss.  I think you are wonderful.  But I will respect and honor your divine path, whatever it is..and if it is to cross mine, or anyone elses' here and find out something that will help, I bless that as well.

[Stormchild]

Write -- hold on -- you could be cycling down -- don't let that claim you -- please call your pdoc or therapist before you consider doing anything -- or call the people you have 'on call' for times when you are cycling -- if it's a cycle it will pass, and if it's life circumstances they too shall pass, there is sun after rain, there is goodness here, there is some specially reserved for you, it will come to you, you are not alone, we are praying for you and standing with you.

Hold on, hold on, hold tight, don't give up, don't let go

(((((((((((((((((((((WRITE)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Kaz]

write, you responded to me in the past with kind words when I needed to hear them, and now I hope I can reach you with the same. You are needed and worthy. You are important. The enormous pain and responsibility you are feeling are things that can be conquered. You will get all the help you need here, but please, as Stormchild said, call someone. Don't be alone.

[Anonymous]

write,
I briefly mentioned this in another post and it isn't easy for me to talk about, but there was a time for several months when I felt the same as you do tonight. I thought I couldn't hold up the weight any longer. I was actually thinking of where would be the best place for me to do it.
When I thought of my daughter, and how she would miss me, I couldn't go through with it. I thought of her face and visualized how she would look if I did.
It will get better. There is always a bottom, but sometimes we don't know its a bottom when we are there because its so murky. But a bottom means you can't go any lower. Please don't focus on the junk in your life. Think of the good things that relieve the pain. Please call and talk to someone.
You can PM me as well, anytime.
We are praying for you and we care about you.
((((((((write))))))) Those are from everyone here.

mudpuppy and company

[bunny]

write,

You don't know what options tomorrow will bring. I'm glad you wrote to the group and I hope we can help you brainstorm. I can't really understand your immigrant status, for one thing. But don't hurt yourself.

keep posting,
bunny

[Dawning]

how can I keep on like this any more?

write,
are you taking on more than you should or want to?  based on what i've read and listened to, being around N's can cause us to take on more responsibility than is really necessary.  

please unload your burden here and get some fresh air back into your life.  we're listening.  

Love,
Dawning.

[longtire]

Write, I've been where you are now.  Please don't go through with it.  Every single day of my life gets better than the one before since that day for me.  I look back now and realize that it wasn't even my pain!  What a waste it would have been, and for no reason of my own.  Do anything you need to do to take care of yourself.  Tell as many people as you can.  Some can help, come can't.  Keep talking here.  We care.

[write]

I am not totally convinced I can go on, but I dropped another abusive relationship or two tonight, and I'm hearing what you're all saying.

It's just too hard though, not only the abusive childhood, but then the n- marriages then the fact that every other relationship is also abusive...

though I totally enjoyed something earlier:
this is what I wrote to someone who has been messing me about for ages



from what I see of you: you are only attracted to women who are
inadequate...you are not interested in an equal companion; and someone who
is more than you is more than your narcissistic soul could tolerate.

I don't approve of your ex-'fling' and her behaviour but frankly if you
treat people badly they tend to retaliate. That means entering someone's
world and respecting their journey including their pain.
If you thought she was mentally ill surely that would mean treating her more
carefully? Your
dismissiveness speaks volumes.

I'm shocked at the way you've behaved with me over the last months and
stating that ' because of my childhood I don't refuse love' isn't enough
explanation. You have told me you love me, behaved passionately with me,
been evasive and misleading.

I've done all I could because I liked and loved and appreciated you to
maintain this
relationship.

It's a pattern I have of relating.

But it's not worth the personal cost to me.

I need people around who appreciate me; I tried to explain to you how
difficult and painful my life has been, clearly I was not heard.

All you've done is act out with me, at the most vulnerable time of my life.

I won't be pelting eggs, but I'm equally disgusted and angry with you as
that poor woman felt.

Please drop my house key in my box and go away,

I never treat people this way, but I know that I should!

Encourage me please.

[mum]

Write! Do you realize how powerful you are?  It is wonderful.  What you wrote to that "person" was strong but NOT a bad thing at all.  You simply stood up for yourself.  You did it!  Not feeling ok about it is the N garbage still rolling around in your head....it's not you.  YOU are a good person.  Setting boundaries is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself AND for others.  If I could write and send something that strong and full of pure goodness and power, I would be elated....but I have pretty much re-written that N tape recording in my head....so you aren't there yet, but you have taken a very strong and healthy step!  PLEASE understand that.
Listen, I married two N's....and dated lots more.  I lived to tell the tale, and so can you.  As Lontire said: it's not even your pain!!!  It belongs to someone else, they were just dumping it on you.  Your letter shows that you can close that lid.  You just did, that's all.  "No more dumping of pain here, you get to keep yours".  There is not only nothing wrong with what you wrote, it is RIGHT ON!!!!
We're in this together, Write.  Don't stop now....you are on your way UP now. (although it's ok to be at the bottom of the fish tank for a while if you need to be). Just don't leave us ok?

[Stormchild]

WRITE ON!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. I'm very relieved you came back to the board and even more relieved that you did let go.... of something that will reduce the amount of pain in your life!

((((((((((((((((((((WRITE))))))))))))))))))))

Everything Mum said.

Don't leave us! we need you.

[longtire]

Wow!  What an assertive statement sticking up for yourself without being defensive. Sometimes we reach the end of our tolerance for situations, but don't confuse that with the end of your ability to deal with them.  The first leads to positive, affirming actions like your letter.  If it were the latter, some bed rest and medications can usually fix that.  I agree with Stormchild, we need you here.

[Kaz]

I need people around who appreciate me

Exactly, not abusive arseholes who undermine your sense of worth.

You have stood up for yourself, that takes an enormous amount of courage when you've been taught to be voiceless.

[mum]

Lontire: thank you for this line: " sometimes we reach the end of our tolerance for situations, but don't confuse that with the end of your ability to deal with them".  Awesome.  Write, I hope you read that one....it sums things up.  We love you Write.