falling apart

[longtire]

Guest, we have much in common.  I just posted, but I see too many similarities between our stories that I am going to post again.

I have spent my entire life believing that some day things will be better.  I don't anymore.  I'm sorry, everybody.  I just don't know if I can live in a space this small.  And there is so little reason for me to stay.

Guest, it sounds like you are depressed.  I recognize it because I was too.  Do you know what depression is?  It is when you have been miserable and stressed for so long that your brain runs out of some important chemicals.  That can be changed.  If your brain does not have enough of these chemicals right now, it is physically impossible for you to feel happy or hopeful right now.  You are avaluable and wonderful person, maybe you just can't "feel" like it right now.

I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons.  We fell into each other's arms out of mutual fear that no one else would have us.  We got married out of relief.

ditto my wife.  Fear of abandonment sucks.

He does not hear me.  If I try to speak, he explodes and then denies his own words.  What am I supposed to say to that?  I'm starting to feel not just alone but insane.  Do I hallucinate what he says?

I have a very long thread talking about exactly this in my marriage.  You are not insane.  You did not hallucinate.  He explodes to avoid hearing you and then he denies to avoid hearing or seeing himself.  He is too terrified to listen.  He isn't able to care for you in the way you need.  You deserve to be cared for in the way you need.

I guess there has to be a breaking point.  I told my therapist that I felt like he (the therapist) didn't listen to me, that he was so busy defending his image of himself as a compassionate person that he wasn't actually, you know, compassionate.  It was like talking to my husband.  He said, "I didn't hear you asking me to listen."  And five minutes later he denied having said that.  Then he started saying, "Tell me when.  Tell me exactly when I didn't listen to you."  I felt cornered and trapped.  I just stopped talking and waited until I could leave.  He didn't say, "Tell me how you felt when you perceived that I wasn't listening to you" or something like that.  He could have said a lot of things without turning into my husband.  But he didn't.

I would ask if you had called your T on emergency to tell him that you are feeling suicdal.  After reading this, maybe you could try Dr. Grossman or a hotline.  There are many people who care.  I recently fired my T because he seemed to be stuck in his own stuff and wasn't being helpful.  I found someone who is much better for me.  What T would say that you didn't "ask" them to listen?  Whad kind of person would even say that?  What an idiot!! Maybe this is a decision point, rather than a breaking point?  You can decide not to put up with bad treatment from now on and insist on being valued as you deserve.

And now I feel like I can't even buy someone who'll listen to me.  I have a long history of being invisible in my family.  I don't want anybody to look at me, so I walk with my eyes on the ground.  But 41 years is a long time to do that.  I know that no one--not the man I married, not the person whose job it is to help me, not the people I'm related to--will hear me.  And I don't know how to cope 20 or 30 years of knowing that.

We hear you.  We hear each other.

We sign living wills saying that we don't want extraordinary measures used to keep us alive if there's no chance of recovery.  I wonder if this isn't much the same thing.

Anyway, thank you all.  As I said, it was wrong of me to post here.  You were all very kind.

As long as you are alive there IS hope.  Don't act out your feelings of hopelessness.  Look in a different place for ears to hear you.  Speak to us.

[write]

came to the same conclusions, hit rock bottom.

Reach out and people will be there for you like they were for me.

I called a crisis line one night for an hour until the worst of it passed; do it, don't give up.

Keep posting, people do care and you will get through this.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Guest))))))))))

Please don't give up. We do hear you, and you didn't have to rent us... we were all here waiting for you. Please check in with us, please go to an ER or call a hotline tonight if it's just too much to bear, or email Dr. G - he answers emails, Guest, he's answered mine.

We are here for you, and we are concerned about you, and we do want you to come through this OK. We care.

And dear one, I can't have children either... several of us here do know that pain very intimately... you aren't alone, truly. Let us be with you.

[Portia]

Guest, if you want to talk, we’re here.

I’ve got some ideas for you if you want them. Sorry I missed you last night. P

[vunil as guest]

Guest!  You're therapist sounds utterly irritating!  And incompetent.

The first thing to do is to fire this poor insecure guy and get someone else.  I mean, really, the way he was asking you for some sort of validation and then that he got defensive (!!!!) the one thing therapists should never get.  Bleah.

[Warning:  sexist comment follows]:  For your new therapist, I would get a woman.  Not because male therapists are worse, but [warning:  speaking just for myself here!] women understand our own situations better.  I tried to talk to a very wonderful male therapist about wanting children, feeling badly I had never married, not being able to find the right love relationship, and he was just an utter blank-- he just told me what I had going for me.  When I tried to talk to him about adopting a child on my own it was clear he thought I was nuts.  I felt dismissed, even though I think it's just that we were from different planets.

As women we face these biological clocks that are stressful beyond understanding.  It just isn't fair that we live so long now but our fertility hasn't kept pace.  I know how you feel about this-- it has driven my life for the last two years.  And I know that many people are just not open to talking about it.  I always found that demoralizing, too, just really tough to deal with when you feel so vulnerable.

My choice was to have a child on my own.  I am not saying you should do that, just that different choices happen.  And one thing I am realizing now is that it honestly (honestly!) does not matter if you carry the child yourself.  Not a bit.  Because even if you do carry the child, it is very clearly from the first moment it's own being, nothing to do with you.  You love it because you are in charge of it, that's all.

Please keep posting.  I'm sorry you feel so lonely.

I also agree with Longtire that sometimes brain chemistry gets confused and needs some help to crawl out-- it can be short-term help, but it is invaluable.  Your general pratitioner can talk to you abou tthat.

[Anonymous]

Dear guest

I am just reading your post now. I apologize for not getting to it sooner.

I pray that you are doing better today.  If you aren't, I would urge you to go to the hospital (screening center) and speak to someone.

We do care here and would like to see you posting.

Hope to hear from you very soon.

Mia

[Stormchild Guesting]

Dear Guest,

What Mia said. I came here today to look for you first thing. Hope you are OK, please get in touch and let us know how it's going.

There's someone here who's gone through the fire in pretty much every way possible, and we're all a little browned at the edges but we all believe it has an end and that we will reach the coolness on the other side.

We'll stand with you and help you on the way. We're here.

[Anonymous]

Welcome Guest:

Please add my name to the list of people who are sorry they missed your thread until now and who are here for you and want to support you.

I don't want anybody to look at me, so I walk with my eyes on the ground.

Some of the people in your life, the situations, the experiences, etc have given you the impression.....the very deep impression, which you believe to be true.....that you are not worthy.

Not worthy of love.
Not worthy of children.
Not worthy of friendships.
Not worthy of even being looked at.

But Guest.......these are lies!!!  Evil lies!!!  

Bold and totally worthless lies, useless, wrong lies!!!

You are just as worthy of love as any other person on this earth.  You just haven't met the right person to share your love with yet.

You are just as worthy of children, even if you have not had your own.  Maybe some will come into your life?  Maybe you'll decide to adopt?  Maybe you'll decide that you don't want to adopt but that you can give your love to children by volunteering some place?(Is there an organization called:  "Big Sisters" in your area?  For girls who can benefit by the experience of a relationship with an older female?)  Who knows?
I know you are not feeling up to this right now.....but maybe later?

You are worthy of friends.  Just as worthy as anyone.  The fact that you don't have many may simply mean you haven't met them yet.  You may still.  You may need a puppy or a kitty or a lizard???  Do you have any pets?

You are worthy of being looked at and being looked at with respect and kindness and understanding and even.....admiration!!  You just don't know it!  Because the impressions you have internalized, even though they are lies, are dictating your thoughts.

Take charge Guest!!!  Don't let the b@#$%^*rd's win!!  The lies you have been told about not being worthy, even if they were only told to you incidiously, are still lies!!  And they must be over ridden.

Beauty is what's on the inside, not just the outside.  And in the eye of the beholder.  I can already see that you have a beautiful way of sharing.  Your words are so honest.  You have tried so hard to express your deep sorrow and then......did you feel guilty for doing that?  Unworthy??

You are allowed to express your sorrow here, Guest and we will hear you.

Not having babies is not your fault.  You can't control it.  If you didn't feel ready or wanting, that was the right thing to do then.  If you tried and did not succeed, there is a logical physical reason and it might be for the best.  Your marriage is not loving and your relationship would be better to be a good one, which would make it a much better place to raise a child, right?  That's ok.  That can change for the better.  It really can!!  You don't have to stay there!!!  You are better off on your own than in a relationship that is making you so sad that you want to end it all!!

You can leave but you don't have to die going.
There may be no religious reason to stop you but there is a very important reason to stop you.......

You reached out here to all of us.   We are reaching back.  Some people have even lost a night of sleep worrying over you.  Many are here, hoping, praying for you, wanting to help you and give you hope.

We here are asking to know you, to hear you, to be your cyber-friends, to support you, to encourage you, to give you whatever we can to keep you with us....to share with you..cry with you, laugh with you (and you might end up laughing if you hang around here long enough)...we want to know you Guest!

Are you still there Guest?  Will you hear us?  Please come back.

((((((((((((((((((Guest)))))))))))))))))))))

You are not alone.  We are here, waiting.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Well, night turned into morning, and I am here.  I am even at work.

I spent a good part of last night in front of my computer, weeping tears of gratitude that there are people like you who will genuinely care about a stranger.  I am humbled by your generosity of spirit.

I can't say that I'm "better."  Right now, I don't even know what "better" means.  But I do know that I'm not quite as certain as I was that there's no reason to stay in the world.  That's something, anyway.

Bless you all.

[Anonymous]

Oh Guest:

I am humbled by your generosity of spirit.

I am humbled by your will to survive!!!

Thankyou for coming back and trying so hard to hang on!!

Please keep doing that!

Bless you too, Guest.  You will be constantly in my prayers now.

Keep posting.  Did you speak with anyone....a doc....a hotline... at all?

Do you like your work?  What are the people like there?

Hope today gets better and better for you!  ((((((Guest)))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Also:

You are not a stranger Guest.

You are someone who has been deeply hurt.

You are one of us.  You are welcome here and wanted.  

Crying is a good release.  

((((((((Guest)))))))

Hope you will keep posting Guest.

GFN

[Brigid]

Guest,

Of course you are better--you are still alive and even working.    That is a long way from being "worse."  Congratulations on hanging in and fighting the pain.  You can be so proud of the strength that took.  

Might I suggest you start a journal when you feel up to it.  That way you can keep track of each day--the good and not-so-good parts.  But over time, the good will outweigh the not-so-good and the dips won't be as deep or for as long.  You begin to anticipate those things which will make you sad or angry so you can get your armour on and be ready to take them on.

There are some really wonderful people here who will help you through this.  As GFN put it

 

We here are asking to know you, to hear you, to be your cyber-friends, to support you, to encourage you, to give you whatever we can to keep you with us....to share with you..cry with you, laugh with you (and you might end up laughing if you hang around here long enough)

Bless you,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Dear Guest,

Do you believe that you are on this earth for a good reason.  Perhaps, you don't know what it is b/c the gray clouds of despair are so overwhelming.  Guest you are meant to be here and meant to post your feelings on this board.  YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE, AND CERTAINLY YOUR POSTING WAS NOT A MISTAKE!  This may be an odd question.  But, would you allow someone to murder somebody else, or think that's okay?  Would you condone that action?  If not, why would you want to commit murder on yourself??  What if the punishment on the other end for life takers is far worse than the pain you are feeling on this earth?  The "what if" is a scary question, indeed.  But, would you know the consequences of the outcome of your action?  Are you willing to take that chance??  I wouldn't, for that very reason...if for nothing else.

I'm soooo sorry for sounding harsh and insensitive.  But, I think this question has to be address by you.  This action for which you have planted into your mind is very serious and causes irreversible damage and consequences.  Do you believe in life after death, Guest?  If not, what if there is life after death?  We don't know for sure if there is.  Are you willing to take that chance?

Please, please...know that the blue sky is much bigger than the gray cloud hovering over you.  Even if all you see is the gray clouds, the blue sky is right above it.  It's just a matter of focus, Guest.

Please, keep posting.  Please, don't leave us in the dark.  Just b/c you can't see your worth at the present moment, doesn't mean you are not worthy.  You are too worthy and valuable to have your life ended in such a manner.  This is the truth!  Please, guest...don't let deception win over you.  You are stronger than all the deception that have been introduced into your life.

[Portia]

Hiya Guest , I’m Portia, very good to meet you and hey, you’re still here - fantastic , wonderful , coooool   beyond words! I was worried we might have lost you. Thank you, thank you for posting again, it made me feel happy, yes, it did.  

Many things are better than nothing, and nothing is what death is. Just nothing. Not the end to pain necessarily (it hurts to end life), once it’s done that’s it, there’s nothing (in my opinion, I’m not religious). So what’s the logical reason for doing it?

Wouldn’t it be more interesting to: …………   (imagine the possibilities….)

Hey, how about you tell me your possibilities (and compared to death, many things become possible) and I’ll tell you mine. How about it? Gotta go soon, but I’ll be back tomorrow. Big hug for (((((((((Guest)))))))))

Portia (female, 43, no kids, in England)

[Anonymous]

Dear Guest,

Thanks for letting us know that you're hanging in there and at work. That's good news. Keep us posted, we care.

bunny