Hi, Storm (and gang!)--
When I responded to your post on the other thread I didn't know you had started this one. Cool. Here we are
I guess it's clear I can relate to everything people are saying here. There is some sort of loyalty thing that happens in friendship-- Bunny is right it is delicate. But you sort of have to know they are there for you, in some sort of fundamental way. I feel all the little and big "shrugs" of the friends in each of our stories who, when we told them of deep pain, basically said back to us "so what?" Screw that.
Mudpup, I have been thinking about your very logical question a lot today (before I even read it). My borderline of all borderline friends called me yesterday, utterly distraught over something that is utterly her fault (she wants fertility treatments but can't afford them, and can't afford to raise the child she does have, and doesn't have a job or health insurance, even though she could easily have either). She wanted to talk at length about everything she is going through. I went through horrible treatments for a year and a half and she never asked about them, never supported me through them, never was anything but dismissive of me. In fact, when I went through the worst part she disappeared for three months, only to call me out of the blue one day and say "you have no idea what I've been going through."
So, nutshell, she's awful. But today driving around I remembered that a great, sweet, wonderful friend I have told me that the BPD friend was mean and crazy a long time ago. She told me that BPD lady had insulted her repeatedly and she didn't want to be around her. What did I do? I kept hanging out with the BPD friend and didn't spend as much time with my other friend.
Why? Well, I am not sure (craziness cannot be explained) but I think it had to do with the fact that my BPD friend is beautiful and exciting and fun. I liked the glamour of it. It was a very sex in the city friendship, glamourous, parties, men, whatever. In fact, imagine carrie on sex in the city and that's kind of like my BPD friend.
And at some level maybe being with people who truly love us in a deep way feels scary when we've been so injured? It's easy to be with shallow cynical selfish people who are "fun."
And maybe at some level when we hear them insult our judgments, this confirms what our inner voices are telling us (we are wrong, confused, not being fair, etc.) and it all sounds "true."
For what it's worth, I am going to apologize to my wonderful friend as soon as possible and I'm not taking any more calls from BPD lady. And I have cultivated the good friendship back to its previous level, or better, to my relief.
Boy am I long-winded. Sorry.
