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acapella and the other n-partners

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hope2003:
another thought.  It was o.k. for topics to be left on the board like TantraGuy talking about orgasms and such, and it was o.k. for members to ocassionally swear, but I couldn't try to have a discussion about how different views should be expresseed.  It is crazy.

I notice there are a lot of people reading this thread.  I have to believe it is a lot of the members of Npartners.  I hope that you will come to the assistance of your fellow members.

hope2003:
one of you posted the mission statement on the other board.  It talks about inclusiveness of views.  The mission statement makes my point exactly.  I wanted to air the discussion in front of everyone.  Sandahl wanted it to be private-between her and the member.  It seems to me that she has violated the rules more than I did or Mindy or Acappella.

Acappella:
I only have read your post here Hope2003, I'll read the others later.

I am so glad you are here!  

I just went to the NPartner's board and I found that I had been deleted from there.  I was taken off as a member. I never wrote anything to Sandahl other than what I posted.  I kept copies of it all and am glad I did.  She never even emailed me to explain deleting me from the board.  

I think this just goes to show that we all have N-trait potential and forgetting that is the first step to inviting the development of those traits.  

I am so glad that i have enough support and am healed enough to have a shread of confidence regarding the exchange.  What a good group therapy lesson.  I am so glad that I used a venue with built in boundaries (the internet) to experience that.  I am about to do some job hunting and I am so very much clearer about what to watch out for especially with authority figures.  The strong voices that protested really give me more confidence in humanity in general.  I am so much more thankful for kind and strong people that I am now committed to finding more like YOU in my life.  

 I worry about others though.  If I had experienced that under slightly different circumstances it might have been a much bigger blow.  I hope that Hermoine is OK.  I wonder how many others have been subjected to controlling defensive, even offensive, reactions like that at that board?  

There is an excellent book I am reading called The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness.  Dispite my goal being more contentment than happiness and my childhood being long over (at least officially) I bought the book because I want to focus on what works not just what is broken.  And also I am volunteering soon to work with "at-risk" kids.  The author is full of heart and mentions many in depth longitudinal studies (same children studies over many years, decades even) with large sample sizes etc.  What is extra wonderful is his chapter on recognition.  He really gets to the core of narcissism and of echoism and even notes how he felt pangs of both in his youth (regarding specific recognition he received).  


I don't have time to post much right now but I am so glad this forum is here and I have learned to check out boards and be more discerning next time.  There seemed to be more chatting going on there but I will choose quality over quantity now.

I just wrote a post a week or two ago to Dr. Grossman and thanked him for the site and I didn't even know then how much more thankful I was about to become.

Anonymous:
Hi everyone,

On the Npartner forum I am Gshelbygirl.  I was the one who responded to Sand by saying she showed traits of N when she refused to listen to others opinions that might not have jived with hers.  To clarify what I meant by that, I did not call her a Narcissist, I stated she was acting like one.  Good communication between two people involves both a messenger and a receiver.  A dominated conversation involves a sender who is not receptive to letting the receiver reciprocate by stating their thoughts.  I can speak for myself, but this seemed to be the pattern that I experienced during my two year relationship with my N boyfriend.  He would ask me to clarify something, then as I began to explain my words, I would be silenced because he did not like what I was saying.

That is exactly what happened on that post.   You know the funny thing about all of this, I wasn't going to respond to what hope had posted because I was not aware of the Herm ordeal.  I have always practiced what I preach.  I feel that if you are not involved directly in a conflict, unless you are fully informed of all the circumstances, you really have no right to put your two cents in.  So, being the person I am, I did not respond about herm.  However I felt the way Sand handled the herm situation, she was wrong for thinking that the post should be deleted.  It would have been different if many voiced the same thoughts, but as far as I can tell, the only voicing about herm that was done was from those who were saddened by her departure.  Then what really made me want to speak out was that I noticed that when Sand posted anything, she would come across to me that it was her way or the highway.  Good gosh, she might be a manager but I really do not recall her title to be that of "Last and Final Word Judge".  She asked for members input, she didn't like what she was hearing, so IMHO she used her authority as a manager to silence the words that didn't coincide with her own opinions.  
I find this to be very hipocritical due to the fact that one of the lasting impressions that a relationship with a Narcissistic person leaves on another person is that the partner felt voiceless during the relationship.  Hummm, imagine that.  The name of this forum is how a N leaves you standing in the dust as they flee the relationship.  I have voiced many times that I felt I had lost the right to be my own person because of my relationship.  Everyone encouraged me to regain my strength to voice my own opinions.  There were many people who encouraged me to speak up when I feel I have something to contribute to the subject at hand.  Well, after reading Hope2003 post on Herm, I felt that as a member of that forum, as a person who had something to say about all the childish statements like "if members didnt like how it was run, they were free to leave at any time, and for the fact that Sand and Sand alone felt that the Herm saga was a done deal and that everyone must drop it now and move onto another subject".  It came across as domineering to me and by God, I will speak for myself here, I kept my opinion to myself to many times during my relationship while I was walking on egg shells to not set the N off.  I will not regress back to those times for anyone.  
You know, then for Sand to go on the board and post her version of events, and they were not forth coming with all of the information, was wrong and yet she refused to accept the majority of the replies as an indication of her wrong doing.  I also have read many articles that state that it is not abnormal for people involved in a N relationship to pick up some of the N traits.  I felt she demonstrated this very thing.  I reached MY OWN CONCLUSIONS by her actions.  I did not call her a N, but IMHO, she sure was acting with N behavior by her actions.  I meant nothing more, nothing less with that statement then that.
I have argued way more in the past two years with my xN then I care to ever experience again.  So argueing with strangers online over perceived or should I say misperceived typed words, just really to me isn't appealing right now.  She can think what she wants, and by golly I can think what I want.  Bottom line is, we both had the right to state our opinions, but we both should respect each others rights to voice them freely.  Sand assured that our side would not be presented.  Funny, how many posts did I read that stated the same feelings about dealing with a N post relationship.  Oh well, two wrongs do not make a right.  I just like to play a game with equal rules.  A game is no fun when the results are rigged and predetermined.  

Mindy

Acappella:
Nike,

"Problems can be worked out!! "

Only if dialogue is allowed.  

Hope,
"violated the rules more than I did or Mindy or Acappella"

I (Acappella on that site) violated NO rules.  I saw nothing in Mindy or in your posts Hope that violated any rules either.  The rules have been changed and now include no "bickering".  Wow is that ever subjective and we weren't bickering we only asked that our posts to Hermione be left on the site for a while.  I ASKED. You asked. " Bickering" suggests our debate was not valid.  It isn't about right nor wrong of a viewpoint it is ONLY about the validity of discussion.  

"Perhaps herm was a little too sensitive"  I have seem many posts along those same lines among those who chose to take the middle ground or even defer to Sandahl despite not investigating what happened.  "Too sensitive?!"  Too assertive is more like it.  There are many references now to messed up emotional people...the debate was belittled as whining and it was framed as being about Hermione.  It began in response to her disappearing BUT it wasn't about her.  Sadly some folks posting on the Npartners site are referring to themselves along those lines too ...we (they include themselves) are just messed up and get too emotional...etc. etc.  B.S. That can be true and that is not what this is about. The debate was calm and healthy and only escalated when Sandahl started acting very defensive, paranoid, controlling, manipulative etc.  Even then everything I saw was civil.  Sandahl was civil AND manipulative and controlling (unilateral use of power to effect another person/s) and paranoid.    

Again I have the posts and I will share them with anyone who is interested.  If Sandahl was having an emotional reaction we so would have welcomed her admitting to that.  Or at least just letting the discussion sit on the forum.  

This is bothering me so much.  I feel somewhat like an idiot.  I had reservations about the site that, unlike this site, did not subside with time.  

I am not clear why I am so totally pissed off right now but I am very ANGRY.  I am angry about being cut off in a place I let myself feel connected in and I let one stupid person control my connection with others and I had no idea I was allowing that.  My husband's N traits are less severe than those exhibited by Sandahl's recent behavior.

If this means I am too sensitive well then I am damned proud, proud of whatever it is that I am that means I finally am seeing a shared reality that I CHOOSE to belong to and some others I consciously DO NOT.

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